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Tom Schwartz

Tom Sandoval & Tom Schwartz

Are Tom Sandoval and Tom Schwartz Lisa Vanderpump’s business partners or not? Based on the small snippets we get to see on Vanderpump Rules, it’s as if she can’t decide. One minute, she’s entrusting them to come up cocktails for the menu. The next, she asks her daughter Pandora Vanderpump to take on the task instead. On last night’s episode, Lisa had the Toms come up with some drink recipes for a Daily Mail event.

During that same episode, Lisa banned Tom and Tom from being present when Nick Alain, their restaurant designer, showed up with decor and furniture for the restaurant. Really? They can’t even help unload boxes for a restaurant named in their honor? Nevertheless, they showed up anyway much to Lisa’s (perceived) dismay. She claimed that she didn’t want to leave them in suspense if they saw everything before it was set up, but that just doesn’t make the most sense.

Yes, we get it, Lisa and Ken Todd have contributed a majority of the money to  TomTom and they have greater ownership in the restaurant. And, of course, there’s no doubt that they’re experts in this industry. Nevertheless, the inconsistent inclusion of Tom and Tom at a restaurant called TomTom is pretty ironic. Tom Sandoval’s girlfriend Ariana Madix stood up for the Toms and called out Vanderpump Rules production in a series of tweets.

Vanderpump Rules Recap: Bad Mutha

Last night’s Vanderpump Rules was the collision of past and future as Stassi Schroeder’s mother demonstrated that the rotten apple doesn’t fall far from the tree!

The morning after her birthday meltdown, Stassi has some amends to make with Beau Clark. Stassi’s hangover face, puffy and red, has aged her 15 years yet she’s still drinking a beer for breakfast! It’s like one of those aging apps that shows what you’ll look like on your 50th birthday.

Apparently Stassi’s telephone harassment of Beau escalated to in-person harassment. She stormed back into the party to demand he come to bed with her immediately. And in response Beau cried. The next morning he whines that when Stassi yelled it felt like getting “dick punched” in the heart. Do dicks punch? I hadn’t known. Oh, maybe Beau means like being punched by an actual dick. Someone like Jax Taylor, perhaps.

Stassi Schroeder & Her Mom

On tonight’s all new Vanderpump Rules the fallout from Stassi Schroeder and Ariana Madix‘s joint birthday proves to have long-term drama in Stassi’s life.

First Stassi has to make amends with Beau Clark after drunkenly calling him, texting him, and screaming at him during her party. Thankfully, Beau loves Stassi but he is not willing to put up with her antics. 

Stariana

Whew! Last night’s Vanderpump Rules was packed full of drama, wrapped in Stariana’s delusion, and doused with the warm flat remains of Tom Schwartz‘s Coors Light after he passed out in some random person’s house.

Lisa Vanderpump will be working to stop Yulin forever. To accomplish her goal of replacing all people in the world with dogs she requires each SURvian to own at least one canine. Even James Kennedy, who gets left out of everything, is not exempt. And guess what – to demonstrate what a topsy-turvy world this is, his dog is the cutest. The only exception is Scheana Marie, who has a cat. Because Scheana is more of a pariah than even James, and obviously has to own a me-centric animal (true confession I am a cat person).

Everyone meets at Vanderpump Dogs to put a temporary tattoo on their face and get a photo with their pooch, then post it on Instagram. Including James. Whose firing is the talk of the pound as he strolls through the door with Raquel Leviss by his side.

Lisa Vanderpump & James Kennedy

Tonight Vanderpump Rules returns after it’s holiday hiatus. And I am ready for it!

Last time we saw this crew of geriatric bartenders and former bartenders, James Kennedy was sobbing over being fired by Lisa Vanderpump for fat shaming Katie Maloney. It’s a sick, sad world indeed when Katie is allowed to give ultimatums and Lisa capitulates. However, it seems like Lisa she realized the error of her ways. I mean, nobody really wants to put Katie Jong-Un in charge of anything! 

Lisa Vanderpump

So, nothing really happened on last night’s Vanderpump Rules except that James Kennedy got fired and Brittany Cartwright made goopy neon orange sauce from stale beer, gourmet cheese, and ranch dressing. BECAUSE NO ONE HAS EVER DISCOVERED THE SPLENDORS OF BEER CHEESE.

James can’t eat beer cheese though because he’s given up alcohol for the 300th time. That, my friend, is a blessing in disguise. I have tasted this mythic beer goop that only comes from the bosom of mammaw’s Kentucky paws, you know, and meh. 

Raquel Leviss

On last night’s Vanderpump Rules the quest to destroy James Kennedy continued. Will he be victorious?! Read on to find out…. or at least hear more about what happened.

Back in the trenches of SUR, the dumpster cesspool is oozing with slime and gooey particles as everyone watches the time bomb that is James‘ sex life explode. After calling Katie Maloney too fat for her green shorts, James storms out. He does a lap around the building and ends up at Jax Taylor‘s little bar shack as he is scrambling to remember what goes in a Pumptini.

Stassi Schroeder is just complaining about James being unhinged, and like that moment in a horror movie where you just know the heroine (it pains me to compare Stassi to a heroine) is about to get killed, James lurks right behind wielding an insult about dildos. Does it have spikes – we know Stassi loves those sort of things as weapons!

Katie Asks Lisa To Choose Between Her & James On Tonight’s Vanderpump Rules Episode

It’s still hard to figure out if the Vanderpump Rules cast work at SUR or if they just “work” at SUR when the cameras are rolling. Nevertheless, they do film the show there a lot. During last week’s episode, James Kennedy fat shamed Katie Maloney, and now everyone is on the warpath against him.

This show might as well be called “Everybody Hates James Kennedy.” At the very least, that would be a great title for tonight’s episode.