Below Deck season finale

Below Deck Season Finale Recap: Row Row Row Your Boat Home

Last night was the season finale of Below Deck. Valor whooshed into the dock for the very last time – at least it didn’t crash! Captain Lee Rosbach sent off his motley – literally – crew into the choppy seas and looked forward to a blue horizon filled with competent people. Unless Bravo has anything to do with!

Of course the last gasps of drama were still washing up onto the beach, little bottles with messages that people stopped caring about long ago. Well, all people except Jen Howell. And one little pirate of hearts who swashbuckled his way home – I’m talking about Nico Scholly. And aren’t all my sailing metaphors just as horrific as he is?!

World’s most demanding charter guest Timothy is still onboard and requesting an ALL PROTEIN, all the time – kill all the fish in the ocean dinner from Matt Burns, who let’s be honest has had a rather shaky relationship with successful culinary skills this season. However for this guest Matt is lobster-ing it out of the park (Please cut me off from ocean metaphors! Save me from myself and save the fish from Timothy).

Matt Burns knocks the last meal out of the park

While Timothy is goring himself on the many splendors of the sea, but not kale – never kale which he does not like (Matt should’ve gone with seaweed), Kate Chastain is planning the little circus that couldn’t suck. Tips depend upon it! Aaaahhh… Kate’s parties. Is there some sort of floating Party City barge that sells all this crappy junk? Like it roams from yacht to yacht pedaling plastic beads and plastic wigs. If not, Kate ought to think about going into business, because her managerial skills sure suck. Well, at least according to Kyle Dixon and Jen.

Kate is running round with a monkey on her back – literally – and she finally got Jen to shut-up by assigning her the role of a mime, except now Kyle is complaining and complaining that Kate doesn’t wanna be his friend no more after he criticized the stewardesses. Kyle takes his whining to Nico who is like dude, you hit the titanic iceberg of Kate. She’s all business; not friends, so don’t take it personally. Yet Kyle has such fond memories of their ever close relationship last season, and now he’s a sad clown. Again, literally. Kate assigned him the part of Sad Clown for Timothy’s sea circus, so Kyle consoles himself by making a million balloon animals. A skill he picked up in jail. Too bad Kyle never learned how to do things with condoms!

Hilariously Kate also warned Kyle not to suck any helium. Even though it was Jen’s job to blow up the balloons. It’s always Jen’s job to blow up everything, actually.

And, of course, there is Jen. Always Jen. J for Jrama. Since she’s using method acting to get into the role of mime, Jen can’t communicate over the radio that she actually doesn’t know what a mime is. While everyone is putting on their costumes, she runs frantically from room to room gesturing wildly at the packages of stage makeup, then finally admits to Baker Manning that she doesn’t have WiFi to look up mime outfits.

Baker basically told Jen to take a hike – or in yachting terms take a tender, row to shore, and borrow some WiFi from shore, then watch Kate turn into the human fireworks display when she literally explodes and refuses to let Jen back on board. Oh the perils of WiFi on the high seas! How can internet service be available on an airplane but not a yacht? Do rockets have WiFi?

Anyway, Jen is so slow getting ready and Kate is so frazzled concocting a champagne tower using plastic cups and duct tape, that Matt is reduced to clearing the dinner dishes to serve dessert.

All is well that ends in a champagne and pie fight, though, and the circus ended with a big giant BOOM. I’m sure no one is surprised to learn that Kyle is excellent at spraying champs with serious gusto using a jack-off motion.

When the guests return to their rooms, the crew is left with a big ol mess, BUT it is the last charter guest dinner mess they’ll ever have to clean up, so that’s good, right?!

Kate Chastain

The next morning everyone is up early to serve Timothy’s last meal. Except Jen, who slept in – as always! Kate is, predictably, unimpressed. One person who is impressed, though, is Timothy. He departed Valor with a gushing review – and a special shoutout to Matt’s amazing meals. In fact Timothy’s only criticism was Kate’s refusal to smile! He also left them a whopping $30,000 tip!

There are other storm clouds brewing though. Days before landing Nico suddenly had a change of heart – literally – and decided he wants to get back together with Melissa. Which means blowing Bri Adekeye off. And it’s kinda hard to completely ice someone out when you share a room the size of a candy box. Bri, smart girl that she is, senses something is up. She and Nico had plans to stay together in St. Martins after the charter wrapped, but now he’s staying silent on the subject and pretty much ignoring her.

Nico is a total sleaze. He dumped Melissa VIA TEXT to hookup with Bri because he had to follow his peen passion, now realizing that Bri probably isn’t the type of girl who is gong to coddle and mommy him forever, he’s dumping Bri via cold shoulder to beg Melissa back. He claims it’s really hard for him to break the bad news, so instead of being honest, he’s stringing both women along. Texting Melissa, telling her he loves her, while pretending to Bri that he’s dealing with family issues. More on this later.

Jen is still frustrated

With the guests off the boat and the crew wrapping up their final tasks, Kate invites Bri and Jen to the star lounge for a champagne celebration and charter season review. Obviously, instead of discussing feedback like an adult, Jen started throwing a tantrum about how “that one” (meaning Bri) and Kate ganged up on her, never let her speak, and treated her like a child. Precisely. Kate snatches the champagne out of Jen’s hand (OK, she didn’t, but she should’ve) and called the meeting to a close. Jen is just salty because Brianna was preening around in her new stripes. Preening according to Jen, that is, getting dressed to everyone else.

Jen gets one final lecture from Kate

Speaking of stripes Captain Lee promoted Nico to boson, because he had an exemplary season filled with learning and development. Uhhhh… Did Captain Lee hit his head on something recently? Perhaps mercury poisoning from too much seafood? Nico who nearly got in a fistfight with EJ and cussed him out regularly? Nico who spent most of the season humping Bri and doing such a terrible job training the crew that Captain Lee had to call in reinforcements? Nico who lay in his bunk for an entire charter with a mysterious injury where his hand only worked to send texts? Yeah, that Nico had an exemplary season! Captain Lee must’ve been feeling charitable though because he also agreed to write Bruno Duarte a letter of recommendation… probably to be a steward, not a deck crew, though!

Final tip of the charter season

For their last night on board, Matt suggests everyone hike to watch the sunset. Baker makes a toast to a season where it only took 9 charters to finally start working as a team.

Afterwards, over dinner and drinks, Nico officially broke up with Bri. After swiping her drink and chugging it, Nico pulls Bri aside to LIE about how he needs to go home and deal with family matters, so he can’t stay in St. Martins. Bri was kind, sympathetic, and concerned, and even though she admitted to really liking Nico, she understood that his family comes first. Too bad he was deceiving her and really just wanted to run home and beg Melissa back! I hope she’s dumped him after watching this season! I’ve been trying to give Nico credit because he’s grieving and probably in a bizarre emotional space, but c’mon – he knows the difference between a truth and a lie. Especially when the lie is gonna be exposed by reality TV!

Well, that’s the end of Brico! Too bad there will never be an end to Jen’s complaints, though. She actually has the audacity to pull Kate aside and continue her litany of frustrations about how Kate is a bad manager who used, abused, and mistreated her all season. Kate basically walked away. OK Yachterealla – maybe some day your prince will come, but certainly not with that attitude. Despite her terrible work ethic, and constant whining, Jen is still proud of herself for showing her daughter that she hasn’t let of go of her dreams. And yes, Jen still loves big boats and she cannot lie. Unlike Nico.

Farewell to Valor

The next morning everyone is in good spirits as they say their goodbyes. Matt is thrilled to have ended the season on a good note and to have stopped drinking so much. The experience made him realize he needs to fall in love with cooking again. Jen and Kate have one final moment of clarity where Kate forgives Jen for all the rude comments she made “out of frustration” and doesn’t take them personally. For once, Jen just smiles and nods.

Kyle feels sad that Kate is still cool towards him. He has burned that bridge and will have to literally conduct another one from crystal goblets, ropes of diamonds, and endless compliments then toss Kate a pair of designer stilettos, so she can cross over it, and even then she may not forgive him. But at least Captain Lee appreciates him!

And Kate and Captain Lee end as friends, as always, BFFs til the end. Until next season yachties!


[Photo Credits: Bravo]