After a short season of Siggy Flicker unravelling, Teresa Giuidice namaste-ing, and Margaret Josephs pig-tailing, it’s the end of the road for The Real Housewives Of New Jersey. Despite the left turns and dead ends going on behind the scenes (and damn, is it a MESS!), the cast boldly pretends to finish out the season on a unified path. Well, except for Siggy and Margaret. And Danielle Staub and Dolores Catania. And Kim DePaola and…everyone else. Okay – never mind! All these b*tches still hate each other. But they did wear glittery eyeshadow and weird wigs!
Margaret and Marge Sr. are checking out the custom made dress commissioned for Margaret’s 50th birthday party. She’s forever 21 in her head, but in the dress, her boobage is still 49. As she yanks and tugs at her cleavage, Danielle saunters in to join the party. They all discuss Siggy’s rude behavior at the Gorga’s restaurant opening. Marge isn’t going to uninvite Siggy to her disco bash just because she acted crazy – I mean, everyone’s used to that sh*t by now, right?!
Speaking of crazy…Siggy is shopping for prom tuxes with JOSH-U-AAAAAA!!! She’s not looking forward to empty-nesting it, but is happy to hear Josh has made his decision to go to a college nearby. “I’m gonna be there every weekend!” cheers Siggy, to which Joshua mentally reminds himself to change his phone number and let the air out of mom’s tires in September.
Over at Teresa’s house, Nonno is cooking dinner while Tre meets with her book publisher. Joe and Melissa Gorga come over to set up a sweet little surprise birthday dinner for Teresa, even commissioning the girls to write cards. “Surprise!
Have some sprinkle cookies!” they yell as Teresa walks through the door. She loves the girls’ cards, and they love hearing the news that they’ll be visiting their dad in prison soon. Teresa hasn’t visited him in 7-8 months, which even her brother side eyes. She’s angry, plain and simple. And she expects an apology from her husband, which makes me think maybe she’s never met her husband before.
Dolores, Frank Sr. and Frank Jr. go bowling. It’s about as fun as…bowling. Frank Sr. and Dolores have struck some kind of deal wherein they love being a couple, but don’t want to couple. Dolores is sick of everyone putting her relationship in a box. Frank Jr. wonders if his divorced parents will still be living together when he leaves for college? Magic 8 Ball reads: Outlook Good.
At Margaret’s house, she’s getting excited for her disco party. But before that can go down, interior decorator Joyce is coming over to talk renovation. Joe The Contractor, bless his heart, is even willing to consider black leopard couches and green velour EVERYWHERE to get Marge off his back. Plus, it’s her world (and Willy Wonka’s) – he’s just living in it.
Meanwhile, cue the depressing music for Teresa’s trip to Fort Dix Penitentiary. As she drives Audriana and Milania to prison, she thinks about whether things will be different when Joe comes home.
Like him not living in America. The girls are naturally excited to see their father, but Tre is hoping for some straight talk about responsibility. Because responsibility is Teresa’a middle name, people! Oh lordy.
After the visit, Teresa admits she couldn’t face off with Joe. She choked up once she saw him, and all of her former courage went out the window. She drives home in silence thinking about her future.
As Melissa and Joe shop for home goods, they wonder if Teresa is going to walk away from her marriage if her Joe doesn’t apologize. “She sounds like she’s gonna walk,” says Melissa, who likely knows exactly where and when Tre plans to file those divorce papers.
When Teresa joins them at the store, she confesses that she couldn’t bring herself to confront Joe. But apparently she did ask him to say sorry – and HE COMPLIED!!! They cried and hugged it out afterward. Allegedly. Teresa, now in tears, seems like she’s slightly forgiving…but not convinced that things will be any different between them when he’s released. Keep your eyes on Page Six, guys! #WinterIsHere #TheNorthRemembers
As Siggy sends Joshua off to prom with Demi, his super cute girlfriend, Siggy does her best to tone it down so as not to frighten the poor girl off. It’s actually a sweet moment seeing these crazy kids take prom pics with the mamas tearing up in the background. Siggy – why couldn’t we have more of THIS from you? Where did it all go wrong, girl?!?
It’s the day of Margaret’s birthday bash and there are disco balls and horse statues galore. Because, why the hell not? As Dolores gets her hair did at home, she tries to call mystery man David, who doesn’t pick up. Again. She’s taking Frank Sr. to Marge’s party anyway because he’s
actually real available. Mmmkay.
Over at Margaret’s Studio 54-meets-acid trip party, guests are assembling and Marge has successfully wrestled her girls into her gown. Everyone shows up and resists acting like animals, perhaps because there is a scary animal in the form of a giant horse-beast in their midst. In possibly the strangest moment ever, Margaret is hoisted atop the plywood horse to make her grand entrance – or exit? Or just a prance across the porch? Whatever the f**k is going on, it’s over quickly! Then Margaret joins her hubby to thank everyone for coming. She’s bummed about her stepkids not being there, but hopes it changes one day. Even Dolores is touched by Margaret’s speech, believing Marge has a heart after all.
But hearts almost stop when texts start pouring in from Camp Siggy – she’s in the hospital! No one is sure what the truth of this news is. Did Siggy give herself food poisoning to avoid the party? Did she throw herself down the steps, Dynasty style? Margaret is equal parts suspicious and concerned. She asks the ladies what the hell is happening? Dolores has the intel: Siggy fell and she can’t get up. She might even have a broken ankle.
Danielle doesn’t buy the story, which immediately pisses Dolores off. “You’re such a slob!” she barks at Danielle, pointing out that if Siggy didn’t want to come, she would have simply said so. As Siggy updates everyone via text from her hospital bed, Margaret wonders why she – the host – never received a single text? Well, probably because the two of you hate each other, ma’am! Melissa doesn’t think that Siggy is creating fake drama, but Joe thinks the Sigster is juuuuuuust about crazy enough to scam them all. “She always has a way out,” Melissa admits.
Cut to Siggy leaving the ER, where she’s been released with a sprained ankle and an “arm contusion.” She’s pissed at Danielle for saying she’s faking it (courtesy of Dolores sending word), so she plans to drive straight to Margaret’s house to defend herself. Jeesh. First this broad falls down 18 steps, now she’s going to voluntarily get Staub’ed? On a bum ankle?! Not a great plan for someone who wants to keep her extensions firmly woven into her head all night.
Siggy busts into the party to the surprise and delight of a few, and the shock and awe of most. Danielle is especially surprised to see Siggy, who Dolores has already tee’d up for a good ole’ fashioned throwdown right here in Marge’s garden. Melissa jokes that they thought she might have thrown herself down the steps rather than come, but Siggy surprisingly laughs it off. Margaret wonders why Siggy wouldn’t want to come to her party in the first place though? Didn’t they lay down their swords in Milan? At least for the sake of appearances?
No, apparently they did not. Siggy is not over it! Because – of course she isn’t. “I never said I want to be friends!” she snarks at Margaret. “I don’t want to be friends! I came here to be with Teresa and Melissa.” This is what a party guest says to the party host, people. The host who’s BIRTHDAY is being celebrated. Marge is sick of extending the olive branch to this crazy mo-fo, so she tells her to just leave if she doesn’t want to be there. Although Siggy tries to recruit and army to go with her, it’s only Dolores who marches out beside her.
But wait! As Teresa tries to talk Siggy off the ledge outside, she has a change of heart. She wants Siggy to know that her loyalty ultimately lies with her, so she leaves too. Inside, Margaret is like, “Are you f**king kidding me?” when she hears Tre has run off with the enemy. Thus, this is where we leave all the players before entering into the two-part RHONJ Reunion. Sources have been spilling ALL KINDSA TEA about the mess we’re about to see there. If they air it, that is.
TELL US: WHY DID TERESA LEAVE WITH SIGGY? WILL SHE FORGIVE JOE OR KICK HIM TO THE CURB? PREDICTIONS FOR THE REUNION?
Photo Credit: Bravo