We made it. We lived through all 15 episodes of The Real Housewives Of New Jersey, and came out on the other side worn out, weary, and ready for a nice long break. Before rumors of cast shake ups for next season start swirling (as they most certainly will), let’s re-live the last gasps of this season’s wreckage.
In the second part of RHONJ’s Reunion, accusations are thrown like tables in the back room of a Manzo restaurant. Dolores Catania accuses Danielle Staub of being on drugs, Teresa Giudice (and, by association, Melissa Gorga) accuses Kim DePaola of being a
White Walker madame (!!), Siggy Flicker and Margaret Josephs accuse each other of so much dirt, it’s beyond what any recap can handle. So – let’s just take a look at the highlights! Or lowlights?
After Teresa is prevented from clawing Kim D’s eyes out, tape rolls on all of the sh*t this cock-A-roach stirred up. The deeper issue is why Siggy and Dolores still pledge allegiance to the Kim D flag. What gives? In the case of the fashion show, both women are glad they walked in the show for the sake of the grieving families. When Kim goes for Teresa’s “shaky” friendship with Dolores, Teresa screams at Dolores until she begrudgingly half-looks at Kim to admit, no, they’re “real friends.”
Melissa suddenly becomes the voice of reason when she calmly tries to tame the gnarly beast that is Kim D. She wants her to admit that going below the belt is her style, period. Kim admits that, yeah, it is. But does she care? NOPE! Especially since she feels like all of these women are coming for her all day, every day. (Um – except that they don’t really care about her sorry butt until she inserts herself into the show out of PURE thirst, right??)
When Teresa accuses Kim of having a “prostitution business” – which is close, but no cigar to PROSTITUTION WH*RE!!! – Kim just shrugs it off. And maybe something is wrong with me, but I could watch these two dopes do the “clink clink!” handcuff shade to each other all day long. Oh my god, the sheer stupidity of it all is strangely entertaining.
Kim claims she’s not a madame, but would gladly be one if there are some prostitutes in need! “Be gone! Be gone!” yells Melissa, but Kim isn’t done yet. More screaming about tax returns, lawsuits, who-knows-what is screamed, then Siggy tries on her “peacemaker” hat to preach about “everyone getting along.” OH, SPARE ME. If Siggy was being accused of cheating, she would take Cake-Gate to the level of nuclear war.
Before Kim leaves the stage – without reading the envelope of dirt we’ve been teased with ALL season (I am so distraught right now that Bravo edited this out!! WHY? WHY?) – Danielle walks down memory lane to argue with Kim about hair-snatching of Posche fashion shows past. Kim thinks Danielle needs to let it go. And with that, it’s buh-bye b*tch! For now. This broad has nine thousand lives so, much like the undead, she won’t be buried for long.
Moving on to Siggy, Andy rolls footage of the 2-season Housewife, who is ready to say goodbye forever. She plans to move to Boca, where she knows literally everyone, owns the town, can reconnect with herself – yadda yadda yadda. As for her career as a “relationship expert,” Margaret quietly offers that she hopes Siggy starts taking her advice sometime soon. Siggy claims she does! She just hates Margaret! To make this point crystal clear, Siggy brings up Marge’s lawsuits, which Marge admits to – but she calls it “common business practice” in her industry. Hmm. Okay…?
Andy tries to reel in the drama by focusing on family. We see a fun montage of the extended family goofiness that RHONJ is always good for, then it’s time to move on to the issue at hand. Namely, the curious case of Dolores and Frank Catania. Are they together? Yes. Are they having sex? No. Will they ever live apart again? Probably not. No one understands their relationship, especially Dolores’s mystery boyfriend, David, but Dolores gives no f**ks! She likes waking up in the morning to Frank, who sleeps in a separate bed (allegedly), and that’s that. Sigh. This will never make sense in my brain, but then again, nothing on this show does. So, I guess – Mazel!
Dolores is sick of everyone judging her, especially Danielle. Thus, it’s time to go head to head with the scumbag who needs another welcoming back! Their beef is not about judgment; it’s about Danielle trying to take Teresa away from Dolores. Danielle still claims that Dolores did speak out of turn behind Tre’s back, but Dolores claims innocence. The truth is probably somewhere in the middle, but it doesn’t matter. Dolores will never trust Danielle (and who can blame her?) and thinks she’s a pathological liar. “I haven’t ever met one person that likes you,” sneers Dolores, while looking at the two people seated beside Danielle who seem to be her best buddies.
When Dolores accuses Danielle of being “off” like “maybe on Xanax or something,” Danielle pops ALL the way off. She tells Dolores to just shut up about her already, Dolores calls her a skank and a professional victim. Since Andy has no control over any of these chicks, he desperately just cuts to break while Danielle walks backstage to scream threats about “tearing the whole f**king set apart!” Oh damn! Production staff scatters in every direction while tropical storm Danielle whips past them, followed by Margaret trying (in vain) to calm her down. “TURN IT OFF – PLEASE!” Danielle shouts, swatting the cameras away from her cleavage.
When we cut back from commercial, Danielle has been wrestled back to her seat, and conversation turns to Milan. Which sucked. Because of the nightmarish Anti-Semitism claims that destroyed the entire last half of the season. Instead of reliving the nightmare here, let’s just jump to Siggy and Margaret’s feelings on the matter now. Bottom line: Margaret is still horrified about the accusation, and feels it was character assassination.
Siggy feels like the Hitler comment was insensitive (true), and warranted a big reaction. The split-screen screaming match that ensues is on LEVEL TEN and shows just how far apart these women are from ever making peace. The only one on the couch who isn’t fazed by the argument is Teresa, who likely still doesn’t know what Anti-Semitic means, nor how to pronounce it.
Danielle explains why she flipped out at dinner in Milan: She felt marginalized when trying to defend Margaret. But she can barely get her pathetic reasons out before Marge and Siggy go at it again, ending in Siggy screaming and pointing, “SHAME ON YOU! SHAME ON YOU! SHAME ON YOU!!!!” in Margaret’s face. Enough, already. Omg, we get it. (Somebody – anybody – make it stop!)
Margaret rightly points out that Siggy just wanted to hate her, and Andy agrees. He actually inserts himself in the argument and – he’s on Margaret’s side! He’s Jewish, and he (and his parents) don’t understand how Marge’s comment could be turned into an Anti-Semitic hate campaign against her. It’s just too much. Siggy says she doesn’t give a f**k what ANY of them think! She’s done.
Can we all be done with this now? Pretty please? Have we not suffered enough??? <sob> Apparently, we have, because it’s time to wrap this Reunion up RHONY-style with everyone’s “rose and thorn.” Dolores regrets her fractured friendship with Teresa, but loves that they made it through the rain. Siggy loved her pellets, but admits the worst part of this season (for everyone involved!) was her war with Margaret.
Marge’s rose was finding new friends, her thorn is obviously Siggy. Melissa’s thorn was her mother in law passing away, and her rose was getting Envy back up on its feet. Teresa’s thorn was of course losing her mom, but her rose will always be her daughters. (Danielle already got booted from the set, so we’ll just have to imagine that her rose was receiving a paycheck again, and her thorn was getting her marriage proposal cut from the season due to disgusting bathroom hijinks!)
Well, it’s only fitting that Andy ends this whole shebang by wheeling out a replica of Siggy’s precious cake, which they all eat – except for Teresa, who promptly smashes hers in Andy’s face! It’s is a perfect ending to a not so perfect season.
Writer’s Note: Check out my podcast, Pink Shade With Erin Martin, for more Reality TV talk – plus a dash of cults & the supernatural. Available on Podbean, Stitcher, and iTunes!
TELL US: WHAT DID YOU THINK OF THE REUNION NONSENSE? WHAT CAST SHAKE UPS DO YOU WANT TO SEE NEXT YEAR?
Photo Credit: Bravo