Real Housewives Of New York Recap: There's No Place Like Home

Real Housewives Of New York Recap: There’s No Place Like Home

The Real Housewives Of New York are back in the city and on the other side of that diarrhea situation – but that doesn’t mean the sh*t is done exploding. This week finds everyone recovering from the hellish adventure they just shared together in Cartegena, mainly by throwing parties and showing off renovations. Housewives style!

The first event is Ramona Singer’s big reveal in the Hamptons. Her home is officially renovated and de-Mario’d, courtesy of Ramona’s maven-like bargain hunting. It does look gorgeous, and Ramona basks in her new digs as Dorinda Medley, Luann de Lesseps, and  Sonja Morgan come over to ooh and ahh. “I did everything online!” chirps Ramona as Luann channels her former Countess, side-eyeing the simplicity (i.e. non decorator-approved) of the home. “This is the reveal?” she wonders. “Revealing.” At least Ramona did Jill Zarin a solid and promoted her rugs on air!

Then Sonja reveals the true celebration of the day – she had her first “hard” bowel movement. (All together now: Thanks for sharing, Sonja!) By the way, Sonja wore a diaper on the flight home from Colombia, and FULLY ADMITS that she regularly straps on a diaper when traveling by bus – as one does! (Jitney travelers: YOU’VE BEEN WARNED.) This, of course, just serves to make Sonja more of the Grey Gardens legend/tragedy she’s already become. Oh. Emm. Gee.

Real Housewives Of New York Recap: There’s No Place Like Home

Meanwhile, Dorinda is getting razzed by Luann for trying to take all of the non-existent life vests for herself when everyone was losing their marbles on the boat. Dorinda just laughs at the mayhem because, now that they’re all out of diapers and whatnot, it’s all good!

Ramona toasts her friends, then announces her skincare launch party. She wants all of the girls to come, despite their leftover issues from Cartegena. In fact, Ramona might be the only chick getting along with EVERYONE right now, right?!? Are we in an alternate universe?!? Alright, Ramona – go ahead, girl!

Real Housewives Of New York Recap: There’s No Place Like Home

Carole Radziwill, who also had her first proper crap recently, is at her apartment in the city talking to Tinsley Mortimer about the boat ride. Tinsley doesn’t feel like the whole SNAFU was a big deal, which shocks Carole. She thinks maybe Tinsley, being accustomed to “abusive” relationships, reacts to f**ked up situations by brushing them off. Carole reflects that sure, they didn’t DIE, but they could have!

Real Housewives Of New York Recap: There’s No Place Like Home

But when Tinsley hears Carole’s new theory that she basically has battered women’s syndrome, she immediately bursts out in tears. “Carole, I’m taking this very personally!” she cries. Carole is totally uncomfortable with this level of emotion, so she just stares at Tinsley and wills her to stop feeling her feelings. That she caused.

When Sonja gets back to the city, she needs to prep the house for rental. Translation: Sonja needs to scrape the feces off her rugs, flush the brown ice down the bidet, and throw a bra on. The Morgan estate shall only be let to the highest end renters, people! Kristi the realtor just hopes Sonja doesn’t try to hit on whoever walks through the door next.

Real Housewives Of New York Recap: There’s No Place Like Home

Bethenny Frankel is also going through her constant real estate roulette. She’s in her new massive apartment, which is yet another upgrade and is also the real estate porn every non-filthy-rich humanoid dreams of. Dorinda comes over to drool over the place, then sits down to have a salad and a chat with Bethenny. She’s still reeling from the trip, physically and emotionally. She’s still pissed at Luann for her hypocrisy, reminding Bethenny how she “went through hell with Tom” for Luann. So she gets a free pass on being an evil drunk, then? Hmm.

After her showings, Sonja is told that her rental price needs to be reduced because of construction going on nearby. Sonja refuses to budge on the price. Her crumbling house of horrors (which, fine, does look decidedly better these days) commands top dollar, yo!

Real Housewives Of New York Recap: There’s No Place Like Home

Later on, Bethenny meets Luann at Lip Lab to try on custom colors and gossip about the Cartegena fallout. While Luann mulls over her “Countess Cabaret” red, she celebrates her new connection with Bethenny. Now that Carole’s “out of the way,” Luann says she can hang out with “fun” Beth. But she’s not having any fun with Dorinda lately, especially after that drunken outburst. Bethenny and Carole are also done. Bethenny says they’re like “burnt marinara sauce” now. Soooo…the whole pot tastes like a rotten foot?

At dinner, Carole and Dorinda meet up to talk about Carole possibly turning her book, Widow’s Guide To Sex & Dating, into a TV series. It’s been optioned again, which excites Carole. She’s also throwing a party for the 1,000-word article she finally wrote for Cosmo. “Professionally, this has been a transformative year,” she declares. Yip. Especially because she just got the boot from her main Bravo gig. Allegedly! Allegedly! (Calm down if you’re reading this, Radziwill. Easy on those tweets, sister.)

Dorinda and Carole discuss more of the same – Luann, Bethenny, and why everyone has issues with everyone. OH MY GOD I CAN’T LISTEN TO ANYMORE OF THIS. Please baby Jesus, let this fight be over sometime this century.#MoveOn

Real Housewives Of New York Recap: There’s No Place Like Home

At Neo restaurant, Carole and her editor, Michelle are throwing their “athletic chic” cocktail party. Heather Thomson makes an appearance, and Carole reminds us she is a “real” friend. Once she hears the update about Carole and Bethenny, Heather counsels Carole on self-absorbed people. Basically, avoid them for they know not what they do.

Tinsley shows up in Columbia University cheerleader warmup gear, and Adam even drops in (with a trophy for Carole!) in his best windbreaker. Carole reminds us that Adam is still a good friend, even though they’re not doing “coffee” dates anymore. Mmm hmm. Tinsley and Scott both wish Adam and Carole were still together, at least for the sake of their fancy group trips. Oh well. At least everyone gets a great photo op at the end of the night together with their new svelte figures, courtesy of having the chronic sh*ts!

Real Housewives Of New York Recap: There’s No Place Like Home

Cut to Sonja and Bethenny visiting the Skinnygirl jeans factory, which um…seems like the strangest and most abruptly spliced in scene ever, no? Whatever. On to observe giant washing machines and bedazzled jeans we go! Bethenny says she loves how Sonja never takes herself too seriously, unlike the very serious and very busy Carole Radziwill. Sonja admires the prison dryers, noting how you can kill people in them. Bethenny appreciates these very important business notes.

Real Housewives Of New York Recap: There’s No Place Like Home

Then the ladies get to sand their own jeans while learning about “big package denim.” This kind of humor is not lost on Sonja and Bethenny. In fact, it’s their preferred jam. What’s NO ONE’s preferred jam is the look this guy Bill is rocking. Is our dude wearing a fur vest over flannel? What is going on here? We need ANSWERS.

Dorinda is at John’s dry cleaning shop, where the front desk person refers to her as John’s “wife.” Because she isn’t 17 drinks in, Dorinda refrains from having a CLIIIIP! CLIIIIP! moment, which is good news for everyone. John is going on the Rachael Ray show soon, so he’s planning gifts for the audience. Dorinda loves John’s generosity, reflecting on how much he’s grown. He’s almost a real boyfriend now! Dorinda does seem happier than usual with John, even though she still has no plans of marrying him. At least she does plan on taking him to Luann’s cabaret show, which is nearly as good – although previews reveal that Luann might not be inviting him. Oof!

Real Housewives Of New York Recap: There’s No Place Like Home

It’s the night of Ramona’s “Ageless” skincare pre-launch party at Megu, and she wants everyone to remember it’s about HER and only HER! Never one to miss promoting her janky crap all over town, Sonja shows up with her new shoe collection – family crest and all? – to upstage the maven of honor. This should go well.

At least Dorinda dutifully calls Ramona “Benjamin Button” to stroke her ego. Admittedly, Ramona looks FAB and is basically aging backward so good for her. But when Sonja whips out her shoes for everyone to see, Ramona ages allllllll the way back to Ramona Quimby: Age 8, as she blows a virtual gasket and screams, “This night is about ME! ME!” Then she hits Sonja in the ass later with one of her shoes, which is pretty much the only way to handle a problem like Sonja.

Other notable party moments include Bethenny not showing up, Dorinda and Luann making it nice (but still kinda hating each other), and us seeing a cringe-worthy clip of Luann’s cabaret show to come. And, oh, it’s coming. Get ready to lay your eyes on the beatbox version of Money Can’t Buy You Class, coming to your TV screen next week! I’ll make the popcorn.


Photo Credit: Bravo