Below Deck Sailing Yacht Recap: Cling Level 1000, Bro

Last week’s Below Deck Sailing Yacht ended on a very naked cliffhanger. Surely you remember. With Gary King, Alli Dore and Sydney Zaruba taking their weird love triangle to an uncomfortable level with a 2 a.m. skinny dip? Well, I think it’s well past time that Bravo learns to tone down the incessant use of “To Be Continued” because it really couldn’t have been less necessary.

What happens after the trio jump into the Mediterranean? Why, they’re wet and cold and force Gary to run naked down the dock to get towels, of course. How else could this scenario have ended? Certainly not with the fake out of Captain Glenn Shephard being woken by the noise. Because Glenn rolls over and goes right back to sleep. And while Gary finally calls it a night, the girls stay up even longer for an emotional (and drunken) heart-to-heart on the bow.

Sydney admits she really likes Gary. Like, really, really, really likes him. Alli obviously had no idea her roommate was in so deep. So she wisely takes herself out of the game. Gary is all yours if you want him, Syd! In fact, the third stew takes it a step further by encouraging Sydney to sleep in Gary’s bed for the night. Which the deckhand happily does, taking his sleepy and drunken grunt as an invitation. And then immediately proceeds to concoct an entire fantasy where Gary moves to Florida and works for her family and they stay together forever and live happily ever after. All while a mostly oblivious Gary sleeps through her whispered plans to run off into the Floridian sunset together. This is getting creepy, you guys.

The mood on the boat the next morning is…tense. Seemingly everyone is grumpy. Except Captain Glenn, who (rightly) feels no sympathy whatsoever for the massive hangovers several of his crew members have given themselves on a charter day. “Self-imposed wounds,” indeed. Jean-Luc Cerza Lanaux is cranky about being rudely woken up by Alli in the middle of the night. Dude values his sleep. And like, I totally get it. As for Gary? Gary is both confused and furious at how Sydney ended up in his bed the night before.

Below Deck Sailing Yacht Recap: Cling Level 1000, Bro

To get to the bottom of it, Gary heads down to the cabins. Where he immediately walks in on Alli consoling Sydney about how much she likes him. Oops. Somehow, this leads to a verbal spat between Alli and Gary. More specifically, with Alli telling the first officer flat out that he’s “full of sh*t” and accusing him of leading Sydney on. Particularly when Gary knows full well that his deckhand is catching feelings. However, Gary’s argument is that he went to bed alone, and Colin Macrae heard Alli encouraging Sydney to get in bed with him. So who’s really at fault here? This love triangle is a mess.

In the meantime, a preference sheet meeting still has to happen. And would you look at that, we have a returning charter guest! Last year, the primary, Frank Martinis, brought an entourage of rowdy and inappropriate party boys onto Parsifal. (They were the ones who crossed several lines with Madison Stalker in Season 1. Not the least of which was physically picking her up despite her repeated and firm requests not to be touched.) However, this time he’s bringing his “proud trophy wife” and a completely new set of pals. There’s even a vegan! So the toxic masculinity this time around will be completely different. Right?

Below Deck Sailing Yacht Recap: Cling Level 1000, Bro

Ahead of pickup, the tension in the air continues to ratchet up. Daisy Kelliher is stressed about Natasha De Bourg. But also feeling guilty for being so hard on her last charter. For her part, Natasha is feeling defeated after being subjected to four days and three nights of Barrie’s twisted Brady Bunch and overthinking her menus. Gary‘s venting to Colin about his tangled throuple situation while they repair the tender. And suddenly, fighting becomes contagious. Because the next thing we know, Alli and Jean-Luc are getting into it. Over how he reacted when she woke him up, of all things. First, Alli apologizes. But she also wants an apology in return for Jean-Luc telling her to “f**k off.” But frankly, he’s not all that inclined to give one. Because apparently that’s what you get when you wake the sleeping giant.

Instead, she tries to smooth things over with Gary. But Gary doesn’t want to accept her apology for their earlier spat, either. Basically, everyone wants to argue and no one wants to take accountability. For anything. So let’s just all be mad! Of course, a few hours later, Gary’s singing a different tune and manages to hug it out with both Alli and Sydney minutes before the charter begins. Though he’s noticeably more chummy while making up with the former than with the latter.

Finally, the guests arrive on board, and Alli, Daisy and Dani Soares quickly realize there won’t be any eye candy on charter number four. Though one guest does have approximately 18 abs, Alli admits she’s more into weirdos, misfits and…silver teeth? (Yes, really.) Despite the guests’ machismo, I have to admit there is a certain moronic charm about them. At the very least, they can’t be worse than Barrie and co., right? So surprisingly, things go relatively well while sailing to Ciovo. And Daisy even remarks on the calm vibe happening before the first dinner service. Don’t hold your breath though…

Below Deck Sailing Yacht Recap: Cling Level 1000, Bro

Speaking of dinner, Natasha‘s on a mission to redeem herself. So she’s pulling out all the stops, with extra-fancy plating inspired by her personal favorite chef, Massimo Bottura. And honestly, I have to hand it to the chef. She turns it out. There’s a gorgeous deconstructed burrata salad. An entree that looks like a mafia hit on a plate. A dessert involving lemon curd and a limoncello shot. And major compliments from the guests, who come away overly full and unable to even finish their meals. (Put a pin in that detail for the moment…) Somehow, Colin and Gary are left to do the dishes until midnight. Which is when Jean-Luc and Dani find themselves alone on the late shift again. Cue the two making out in the stairwell again like a couple of giddy teenagers!

The next morning, a distraught Sydney wakes to find the boat a disaster. According to the dead flies and bugs on the deck, Jean-Luc didn’t spend the night doing a full rinse-down of the boat like he was supposed to. Hmm…what could he possibly have been doing instead? However, I’m much more concerned about Sydney referring to Gary once again friend zoning her as a “breakup.” Honey. It’s been like three weeks. You’re not in love with this guy. It’ll be OK.

Below Deck Sailing Yacht Recap: Cling Level 1000, Bro

What won’t be OK, though, is breakfast. I just knew Natasha‘s winning streak couldn’t last more than one meal. And like the poached stumbling blocks that came before, her nemeses are once again…eggs. Now, in the preference sheet meeting, Captain Glenn did make the point that this primary loves his all-American breakfasts. So she should’ve been prepared for this. And yes, there was a large and complicated order of eggs: three over easy, two scrambled and five fried in total. But the girl apparently doesn’t know what an over easy egg is, because instead she sends them up scrambled. Like…what? Who doesn’t know how to cook an egg over easy? Naturally they get sent back to the galley, which only adds to the tension between Natasha and Daisy, who chooses bite her tongue instead of saying”I told you so.” Which she totally could’ve done.

What Daisy does decide to do, though, is offer the chef some constructive criticism. This is much later in the day, after a full afternoon of water sports. Oh, and also after Daisy locked Colin in the bilge while giving the guests a tour of the galley, laundry and cabins. And warning: the guests asked to move dinner up from 9 p.m. to 8:15, so Natasha is already in a mood. And all Daisy suggests is cutting down on the portion sizes. Since, you know, the guests literally all mentioned it and couldn’t finish their meals. But you can guess how this is received by Natasha. In the immortal words of Dorinda Medley, “not well, bitch!” Instead, she storms off after clapping back that she’s the chef so she knows what portion sizes to feed the guests, thank you very much. Sorry Daisy, your constructive criticism is not welcome here…


[Photo Credit: Bravo]