Sometimes it’s easy to forget that Below Deck Mediterranean is basically a show that never ends. Over the years, it’s turned into an endless cycle of cliffhangers. With cameras rolling virtually 24/7, it’s at times hard to recall where one episode ends and the next begins. This became all the more noticeable to me over the past few weeks as I’ve been binging an old season of the OG Below Deck. (Season 3, to be exact.) Can you even believe that entire charters used to begin and end in the same episode? Now we’re four episodes in and still only in the middle of the crew’s first night out!
Speaking of that, last week we left on in the midst of Mathew Shea and Lexi Wilson‘s tiff over whether they would ever deign to speak to one another in real life. We all know the answer is a resounding “NO,” so why are we still arguing about this? I’d much rather hear all the reasons Katie Flood never wanted to become a chief stew. Or all of the girls gossip about the creepy uncle vibes Mat continuously gives off. Or listen to Malia White argue that you can be a “good person and work in yachting.” Kind of rich coming from her of all people, but OK…
Plus, don’t we have a birthday to celebrate? It’s the night before Mzi Dempers turns 26, which can only mean one thing. It’s time for the entire crew to get blackout wasted back on board Lady Michelle. Forgoing the typical jacuzzi party, Katie leads the merry band to the master cabin (because she’s a cool chief stew) where a dance party spontaneously breaks out. And, well, that’s certainly not all that happens. Somewhere between Lloyd Spencer‘s famous “Goose Gets Loose” and Chef Mathew waving his arms around in the corner, Zee gets a birthday lap dance from Courtney Veale. One thing leads to another and the pair start kissing in front of the entire crew. Mzi is officially crowned birthday daddy.
The next morning happens to be pick-up day for charter number two. And everyone is feeling the effects of the night before. Honestly, as someone who doesn’t drink, I always wonder how the crew can party so hard on their off nights and then even be able to function the next day. Hangovers all around! And best of all, Courtney has no recollection whatsoever of locking lips with Mzi the night before. In fact, her reaction when production breaks the news in her confessional is downright hilarious. So far, Courtney is a gem.
Captain Sandy Yawn calls a preference sheet meeting, where Katie, Malia and Mathew learn the primary is a returning charter guest. That’s right, Roy Orbison, Jr. is back with his sweet, adorable family! Last season, the Orbisons were pretty much the ideal charter guests: easy-going, polite, not too demanding. And not even very big drinkers. Like, they’re requesting non-alcoholic beer so everyone feels in on the fun. Plus, this will be a shorter charter, so everything should be smooth sailing, right?
Naturally, Lexi takes every opportunity during provisioning to berate Mathew and get on his nerves. Now, I haven’t been too impressed with the chef so far, but Lexi’s terrible attitude is the real problem here. Talk about aggressive. Entitled. Rude. Unpleasant. Enter any negative adjective of your choice, really. I mean, it’s only the second charter and she’s already threatening to strangle someone. And when she’s not mad at Mathew, she’s finding reasons to resent Katie. This time because the chief stew is giving Courtney the chance to work service and she’s down in the laundry. There’s nothing a second stew will get more up in arms about than hierarchy in a three-person “department.”
Roy Orbison, Jr. and company arrive and the charter is officially under way. Poor Mzi is stressed to death over handling the heaving line as the boat sets sail, but he manages to make it out to sea unscathed. Then down the guest cabins, he plays a game of “How Many Yachties Does It Take to Assemble a Crib?” with Courtney and David Pascoe. (In case this question ever comes up at your Below Deck Med trivia night, the answer is three.) After anchoring in Borovnik, Mathew serves up lunch just the way he apparently likes to cook, which in his own words is healthy, light…kids’ menu food. I mean, I guess that’s an update from what I thought he liked cooking, which was…nothing. At least certainly not food for the crew.
But just as Mathew gets a little too overconfident thinking that he’s the hero of the boat for throwing together a bibb lettuce salad, the gods of the Mediterranean cut him right back down to size. Well, it was either that or his own basic ineptitude. As he’s prepping dinner, a pan of grapeseed oil fully catches fire without him even noticing. He blames it on accidentally setting the burner at “9” instead of “0.” Which, honest mistake…if you’re not a chef who claims to have cooked for some of the most exclusive clientele in the country. Thankfully, the fire wasn’t worse and the only thing singed is the chef’s ego. But I really wonder how long he’ll be sticking around this season, because I’m not getting finisher vibes from Creepy Uncle Mat.
Speaking of things burning…Malia‘s down in her cabin minding her own business (for once) when she comes across a handwritten list of names. We’re talking quite the long list too — though the scrawl is blurred out, the names take up an entire page. It’s Lexi‘s burn list. Of all the people who’ve ever wronged her in her life. Now, as a general rule, I’m all for proving your haters wrong. We all have them. And spite can be quite the powerful motivator. But having a list of enemies so long that it takes up an entire page seems…excessive? This girl really thinks she’s some sort of Bahamian Regina George, doesn’t she. I guess that makes Malia Janis Ian because now she’s scared to go to sleep at night with Lexi lying in wait.
During dinner, Mathew reveals that he actually has no formal training. Which is…interesting. How did he get this job, exactly? But the guests seem over the moon about the Asian-infused meal he serves. Having a traditional Croatian folk band serenading them afterwards probably didn’t hurt the experience, either. (In fact, the only person the band angered was — surprise! — Lexi, who seemed incapable of understanding Katie‘s instructions they couldn’t come aboard because of social distancing guidelines.)
With the weather turning bad, Captain Sandy decides the boat has to go back to the dock. To Mzi‘s horror, this means a rare nighttime docking is happening. As if the poor kid wasn’t stressed enough, now you’re making him throw the heaving line in pitch-black darkness. Complicating matters further, Roy Orbison, Jr. has decided to forgo the non-alcoholic agenda and get utterly sloshed over dinner. The man’s wife looks about ready to murder him for embarrassing her on national TV. But Roy wants to party. And by party, he means threaten to jump off the deck into the nighttime ocean a la the instantly iconic Deloris on last season’s Below Deck. Of course, the commotion becomes a perfect storm of chaos just as Lady Michelle is docking. Suddenly a line snaps, we hear Malia scream “Zee!” and the screen goes dark. Told you there’s always a cliffhanger.
TELL US – WOULD MZI AND COURTNEY MAKE A CUTE BOATMANCE? WHO WILL SNAP FIRST: LEXI OR MATHEW? WHICH OF THE YACHTIES WILL BE ON LEXI’S BURN LIST BY THE END OF THE SEASON?
[Photo Credit: Bravo]