“I don’t think I’ve ever had this much engine trouble with guests on board in my career,” Captain Glenn Shephard commented. “Hopefully it’s the last [time], knock on wood.” And he did that thing we all do and knocked his knuckles on his head. Funny, Glenn.
As Glenn was looking for a safe place to anchor for the night, stews Lucy Edmunds and Madison “Mads” Herrera worried about what talents they could bring to the evening’s guest-requested talent show. Lucy laughed she could do cheerleader moves, “Go, Tigers!”
“How the f*** are we supposed to top last year’s talent show?” Chief Stew Daisy Kelliher asked. In case you don’t remember, production kindly inserted a clip from last year’s show. Daisy and one of the other stews did a little dance, Colin played an original song on his guitar and First Mate Gary King did a strip tease. Captain Glenn said he could “crack some jokes. That’s all I can do.” Oh, I remember Glenn’s dad jokes. So bad.
Finally, Colin told Daisy, “I’ll make up a song in like the next hour.”
“But you’re Mr. Amazing, apparently,” Daisy giggled. “You can do it all … according to everyone!”
Gary creates a conflict among his crew
“I need to have a little word with [deckhand] Alex [Propson],” Gary told Colin. “I just don’t know what was happening last night. Chase [Lemacks] came to me and complained. He was like, ‘I’m going to speak to Alex.’ And I said, ‘No, you’re not.'” Gary’s Alex’s boss, not you. Calm down, Chase.
On the first day, Gary had told both his deckhands when they have anchor watch, “Leave the boat how you want the boat to be left to you. The more you do, the less he’s got to do. And it’s going to work in your favor for when he’s on night watch.” But it didn’t look as if Alex had rinsed anywhere, even though we saw him doing it in the last episode.
As Alex struggled to take the flag down, he complimented Chase on the bowline knot he’d tied it up with, “Nice job, dude!”
But Chase was still annoyed that Gary wouldn’t let him “have a conversation” with Alex about what a mess the boat was when he turned it over that morning. It’s not your job, dude. Let it go.
At that moment, Gary arrived and pulled Alex aside for a chat. “What happened last night, bro?” the first mate asked. “The boat looked like absolute sh** this morning.”
“You’re serious?” Alex was shocked. “I spent like six hours on it. What looked like sh** this morning?”
“Mainly the anchor pocket,” Gary told him. “And everything around there on the list … Scuppers, everything, bro. Glenn commented on the flybridge also.” Alex admitted that he’d forgotten the anchor pocket.
“I just think it was very unfair on Chase for you to leave the boat like that,” Gary continued.
When Alex agreed with him, Gary added, “I know it wasn’t your intention … [Chase] was claiming laziness. And I’m like, Alex isn’t that lazy, so I don’t think so.” Now Gary’s let it out of the bag that it was Chase who ratted him out. Way to throw His Contrariness under the bus. And as production rolled the earlier scene for us, it was clear that Chase never said any such thing about “laziness.” Uh oh.
“That’s honestly like f***ing shocking,” Alex responded.
Then Gary backed the bus up and ran over Chase a couple more times, “He thought you were just sitting doing f*** all the whole night, so he was f***ing livid. And he was like, ‘F*** this!'” Does Gary have early-onset dementia or something? That’s not what happened at all. Is he trying to start a war between his deckies?
“F*** me, seriously?” Alex interviewed. “I feel like I’m working really, really hard. So I don’t know why Chase is attacking me behind my back. If you’re upset about things, Chase, come talk to me,” which is what Chase wanted to do in the first place. Maybe he had the right idea after all. Gary really f***ed that up. Meanwhile, the man in question was innocently enjoying his dinner, unaware that his boss had just thoroughly wound up his co-worker and sent him off in his direction, steaming mad. Nice move, Gary. What do you call that leadership style? Darwin’s Survival of the Nitwits?
As Chase headed down to his cabin for a nap, he passed Alex in the mess. “Goodnight, Chase,” Alex mumbled. “Good night, my friend,” a clueless Chase called back, oblivious to the fact that his “friend” was internally planning the best way to murder him in his sleep.
Cheffie creates a seafood-palooza, while Gary does some “fishing” of his own
The guests had requested a seafood dinner for night two, so Chef Ileisha Dell was cooking up a fabulous meal of lobster tails, oysters, whole-baked snapper, fresh fish and grilled prawns. “I’m gonna smash it!” she predicted. I’m sure she will. Her food so far seems to be right on point.
When Gary overheard Alex and Mads bantering (flirting) in the salon, he immediately called from the bridge, “What’re you up to? Come hang.”
Though she’d rather stay and get to know Alex, she knew Gary had rank, so answered his call. “Sounds like you’re busy,” she told the first mate, trying to make it a short visit.
“No, no, no,” Gary insisted. “I’m never too busy for you.” Muttering “over it” under his breath, Alex took his cue to exit.
Gary got right to the point, “You know you’re gorgeous, eh?” Trying to hurry the conversation along, Mads asked, “What did you want to speak about?”
“Now that we’ve hooked up twice,” Gary reminded her, “I just wanted to know what you want out of it. If you want a casual hookup, by all means, I’m down for that.” Really, Gary? Are you pressing the girl to define the relationship already? It’s a bit early for a DTR. We know you just want to get laid, and she’d really rather be with Alex if he could only stay sober long enough.
“I’m fine with [a casual hookup],” she said. When he accused her of flirting with everyone else, she answered, “I’m not flirting. I can’t hold Alex’s hand? To me, that’s very friendly. That’s not, like, intimate.” Girl just wants to keep her options open, but Gary wants to lock her down.
“Uh uh,” he told her. “That’s a bit [too] intimate.”
In a production interview, Mads said, “I don’t know Gary’s expectations, but I like to enjoy myself. And just because we hooked up, that doesn’t necessarily mean now we’re settling down for life.” Back with Gary, she tried to make it clear, “This isn’t serious.” But the giggle may have undermined her intent. “Sorry, I’m a f***ing bitch.”
Mads had no intention of letting Gary tell her what to do. “I’ll flirt with Alex if I want to,” she insisted. Good girl. Gary is not your boss. But he’s Alex’s, and Alex is intimidated by him. So there’s that.
Gary and Colin were writing a song for the talent show. They were saying that Alex has “hair like spaghetti … How do you rhyme something with ‘deckie?'” How about “good hair like Becky?” See I’m a great songwriter. They should’ve asked me. I’m a whiz at parodies, too.
The 2nd Annual Big Jim Talent Show
At the talent show, Glenn was up first. His “talent” was telling Dad jokes. Badly. “I went to the zoo last week, and all they had was one fluffy little dog … it was a shih tzu.” Okay, I laughed. I’m a sucker for a good Dad joke.
Chase’s “talent” was catching things with his mouth. He should do that more often. It would keep him from talking so much.
Mads and Lucy did cheerleader moves for their talent, while Lucy showed off her boobs’ amazing ability to move independently of each other. Alex was jealous. “Is that even a talent? Like, I can do that, too!” Nobody wants to see you move your boobies, Alex. Meanwhile, legions of women have paid their way through law school working in strip clubs.
Mads, Lucy, Ileisha and Daisy did an Irish jig and eventually involved the guests in their dancing. Having composed a song about the guests last year, Colin announced that he and Alex were singing one this year about the crew. “Gary is the first mate, there’s no girl that he won’t date … Alex is the deckie, his hair is like spaghetti … Thanks for joining us, it’s great to have you back. Please keep your clothes on, Jim, no one wants to see your crack.” It was cute, and the guests loved it.
A meeting of the deck crew
With the conclusion of the talent show, the guests were off to bed, and Gary invited his crew to the hot tub for an impromptu meeting. Alex apologized for the way the boat looked that morning and promised he was going to work a lot harder overnight.
“Dude, don’t say it to me like I’m your boss,” Chase told him. “The only problem [I had] is Glenn comes out and he’s like, ‘The boat looks like sh**,’ and I feel like an ass.”
Alex claimed that he really took his time cleaning, but Chase assured him, “I’m not the kind of guy to be pissed about some dumb sh** like that.” Flashback to Gary telling Alex that Chase was “f***ing livid” about him “doing f*** all the whole night.”
“I know you’re not trying to screw me,” Chase told his co-worker. “I fully believe you, bro. We’re chillin’.”
I think that’s where the penny dropped for Alex. “From what I can tell,” Alex interviewed, “either Chase isn’t that fired up about it, or maybe Gary was instigating some drama. It just seems like somebody’s not telling the truth.” I’ll take door number two for $500, Alex.
At the end of their little chat, Chase went off to bed, and Gary put his arm around Alex’s shoulders, all friendly. “Just make sure the boat’s clean tomorrow morning, okay?” he repeated. “I’ve got faith in you, bru.”
The next morning when Chase asked Alex how his night went, Alex told him, “I didn’t stop moving, man. The boat should be perfect.”
“Tag, you’re out,” Chase said, as they slapped hands. And Alex went off to bed.
When Gary came up on deck, he exclaimed, “Woo hoo, the boat looks good this morning. I’m happy. Sh**, Alex, good job.”
It’s Drop-off Day! Colin and Gary were looking forward to some fun at the end of the charter. “Everyone’s ready for some carnage,” Colin claimed.
“I’m gonna have a chat with Mads tonight and see where I stand,” Gary told his buddy. Didn’t you already try to do that, Gary? You’re not hearing what she’s telling you. Does she have to write you a letter? “I don’t think she takes me seriously, to be honest.” Oh, she takes you seriously, all right. She’s seriously just not that into you. She likes your deckie, Alex.
“I want to fall in love also,” the first mate continued. “So badly. It just doesn’t seem like that’s going to happen.”
“I think Gary’s all talk,” Colin said in an interview. “I’ve heard all of this before. What we’re dealing with is a stage five clingage.” Colin has a way with words, doesn’t he? Nailed it.
“Mads isn’t just completely giving in to all of his shenanigans,” Colin observed. “It’s kind of funny.” When Gary assured him he wasn’t going to hook up with another chick, Colin asked him, “Yeah, how much you wanna bet?” Colin knows his buddy well.
A tricky docking situation requires all hands on deck
When the Parsifal III arrived at the dock, the boats already there had left very little space for the sailboat. Gary called for the interior crew to come outside and help handle fenders to keep from touching the boats on either side of them. It’s precarious docking in such a narrow space.
As Glenn explained, “I can do a lot of damage with this boat. If I get ground lines stuck under the rudder, I’m gonna be pulling these guys into me. If I push in too fast or too hard, I can pop their stern lines. Focus is absolutely critical.” That’s why you make the big bucks, Skipper.
It was a really tight fit. Of course, Chase being the classy guy he is, piped up with, “That’s what she said!” Har har.
Finally, Glenn was able to “shuffle his way” into the slip, with the help of nearly all the crew and lots of bumpers. The lines were tossed and tied. The fenders were wedged so tightly, they squeaked like balloons under pressure of popping. A masterful job. Well done, Cap!
“You couldn’t afford a bigger dock?” Charter guest Jim quipped. “Zip up your pants, Veronica. It’s time to go.” Jim must be exhausting to live with. Everything’s a joke.
“It’s a small tip,” Jim told them at the dock, as he clutched, not one, but two fat envelopes in his hand. “It won’t really go very far. But you know, it’s all ones, ’cause I usually spend them at the strip bar. So, farewell to you all, and I love you is what I will say.” In the end, he was very sweet, despite all the kidding around.
“I miss them already,” Chase admitted. So do I. The next guests surely won’t be as nice. Back to work!
Chase is really annoying
As the crew started their turnaround cleaning, Glenn called them to the “Saloon” for the Tip Meeting. “Just when you think we’re about to have an easy charter,” he told them, “something can always go wrong. Colin, never a dull moment … once again, you saved the charter, dude.”
“Daisy and interior, it’s fun to watch you guys gel,” he continued. “I think it’s a real testament to your leadership … I’ve noticed a marked improvement. For sure.”
“So the tip amount in US dollars: $27,500,” the captain finally announced. “That works out in euros to just shy of $2700 each.” Nice. Everyone was very happy with that.
“Love them,” Ileisha said. “Plus, I am so happy Glenn has started giving compliments to me, but honestly, I’m just so exhausted, mentally and physically.” It’s a high-pressure job, Cheffie. You’re killing it, but you need a couple of days off. Have a fun night out and sleep late tomorrow.
Chase is soooooo socially awkward. Again and again, he just says and does the weirdest, most abrasive things. Even the girls were getting tired of his antics. “He’s so obnoxious already,” Mads said. “He’s, like, on 10.” I’d say more like 12.
As Gary was in the salon trying to tempt Daisy with a shot, Chase had already started drinking and was outside shouting, “Gary!”
“Ugh, he’s driving me crazy,” Gary muttered to himself. “Yes?” he answered the deckhand in his sweetest (fake) voice.
“Are there any men left with any balls in this world?” Chase asked him.
“No, clearly not, bru,” Gary shot back. “I’ve only got half a ball … F***ing hell, Chase.”
Chase was upset that nobody else wanted to funnel a beer with him. “I don’t know how I feel about Chase, to be honest,” Gary admitted. “I think he tries far too hard.” You think, Gary?
“Lovable guy,” Gary concluded, “but interesting.”
Chase was already plastered, and they hadn’t even left the boat yet. He slipped going down the gangway and almost went into the drink, then cackled uncontrollably. Gary had had enough of Chase’s bullsh** and decided to ride with the girls, rather than hang with the guys per the usual.
“What an asshole,” Chase yelled at him, before taking a flying leap into the boys’ van. Wearing his sunglasses upside down, he danced like a white boy in the car on the way to dinner. So embarrassing.
Attempting to get Chase to act like a normal guy, Colin asked him, “Chase, out of all the girls, who would you want to bang?”
“Cheffie,” Chase admitted. “But she’s got a boyfriend, and I respect that.”
“That was unexpected!” Colin laughed.
Still talking about the girls, Chase added, “Yeah, but Lucy got some tig old bitties, though,” getting a big guffaw in response. Nice, Chase. Classy. “Before this season is over, I’m gonna boob-luge some tequila through her tig old bitties.”
“Seems like tonight’s the night,” Alex told him. Don’t encourage him, Alex. You’ll only make him worse.
Speaking of their boss in the other van, Chase drunkenly slurred, “Perhaps Gary’s in there settin’ us up with the other chicks.” Both Alex and I seriously doubt that’s the case.
In the girls’ van, Gary had somehow managed to offend all the girls. Deciding it was no longer a safe space, he opened the car door and stepped out onto the highway. Fortunately, the driver managed to slow the car before he exited the vehicle, but the girls all screamed as he dipped out, “Gary! No! Oh my God!!!” A car traveling in the other direction leaned on the horn in protest. And we thought Chase was crazy!
“Gary, that’s not funny,” Daisy scolded him. “We’re on a f***ing main road.”
“I’m not gonna go anywhere,” he told her. “Stop.” Still dangerous, Gary.
Poor Ileisha wasn’t feeling at all well. She was only drinking sparkling water, but still got sick in the bathroom of the restaurant. Girl just needs to go to bed and rest.
Lucy’s had enough Chase
At the table, Chase’s obnoxiousness continued. “Can we drink tequila between your boobies tonight?” he asked Lucy.
“Shut the f*** up!” she told him, with a look of utter disgust on her face. “On my mother and my father’s life, you will never, ever get between them.”
Chase just doesn’t know when to quit. “Let me rephrase,” he persisted. “Can we please drink tequila tonight?” But Lucy was just done with Chase and his drunken self.
“Find someone else with tits,” she told Chase, brushing him off like an annoying fly, “because it’s not me, boy.”
Finally, Ileisha decided she just needed to go back to the boat. She was really pale and felt so sick, she couldn’t eat anything. Gary graciously asked if she wanted someone to come with her, but she urged them all to stay and have a good time. “I’ll let you know when I make it back. Have an awesome night.” And with that, Cheffie excused herself and headed back.
While Gary and Mads were having a subtitled conversation in Italian (impressive!), Chase suddenly burst out with, “Cheers to boobies!” Cool, Chase (insert eye roll).
“Chase, there is always a time and a place,” Lucy chided him. “That’s what you need to learn. This is not the time or place.”
“Give me a break,” he told her. “Lucy, I’m like 10 drinks deep.” Only 10? Yikes, I throw up and pass out at three. “Maybe I’m the f***ing asshole.”
But Lucy was really over it by this time. “No one’s saying you’re a f***ing asshole,” she yelled. “Don’t put f***ing words in my mouth. I don’t get it. I can’t do this sh**.” And with that, Lucy stood up, turning her chair over in the process, and stomped off.
But as she went, she was still screaming at Chase. “You’re a f***ing joke … I never said that you were a f***ing asshole. If I said you were a f***ing asshole, I’d say it to your f***ing face.”
Chase claimed it was just a joke, while Alex waved a white flag/napkin over his head. In an interview, Lucy admitted, “I mean, he is an asshole.”
While the girls rehashed the conversation in the ladies’, back at the table Chase promised, “I’m not going to say another f***ing word tonight.” I’m wondering how much of this he’s going to remember tomorrow when none of the girls are speaking to him.
Returning to the table, Lucy sat next to Gary at the opposite end from Chase. “I’m just so fed up with Chase,” Lucy told production. “He’s so annoying. ‘My name’s Chase and I love boobs,'” she said, mimicking an American twang. “‘Let me do tequila shots from your tits.’ What the f***?” Lucy’s American accent is about as good as my British one.
And to all a good night
On the ride back from dinner, the only one willing to ride in the same car with Chase was Colin. Everyone else, including Gary and Alex, rode in the girls’ van. Chase complained, “I say f***ing one thing, and the chicks are throwing their chairs.” Face it, Chase, you just have that effect on women.
Back in the guys’ cabin, Gary told Colin that when he kissed Mads in the van, “Daisy looked at me as if I’d just cheated on her. But she told me to stay away from her this season.”
When Chase finally headed to bed and found Gary and Mads together in his boss’ bunk, he yelled, “Oh my God. I can tell you one thing I’m not gonna f***ing put up with tonight. It’s this sh**,” meaning Gary and Mads.
“Shut up, Chase,” Gary told him.
“You can suck my d**k, boss,” he responded. “It’s not happening tonight.” And will he remember saying that in the morning?
Looking for privacy, Gary and Mads took their party to one of the guest cabins. But Colin and Alex decided to go looking for them. Apparently, Gary failed to lock the door (rookie mistake, Gary). As Mads moaned, “Gary, Gary, Gary,” the boys opened the door and barged right in.
“Get the f*** out!” Gary yelled, but they just laughed and wouldn’t leave.
“Get the f*** out, Colin!” Mads begged. But he just played innocent, “Hey, Mads, what’s going on?”
Mads was not pleased. “What the f***? Why?!” she asked production. She was finally getting those needs met she talked about earlier in the season, only to be interrupted.
“I’m so sorry,” Gary apologized when they finally left. “How f***ing annoying.” I hope he learned his lesson and locked the f***ing door this time. But with all the commotion, Gary had lost his “mojo,” so Mads took her frustrated leave and returned to her cabin. I hope she packed a vibrator in her suitcase, or it might be a restless night for her.
As Mads stormed into their cabin, Daisy got up and went to ask Colin what happened to Gary. They both went looking and found Gary alone in the guest cabin. He told them that Mads got pissed off and left after the boys broke in. “My bad,” Colin said, sounding not at all sorry.
Then Colin turned to Daisy and asked, “Which bed are we going to?” Okay, now we’re talking. This is what we came here for.
As they walked up the stairs wrapped around each other, Daisy asked Colin, “Are you trying to kiss me?” So he did. And she was into it.
“What the f***?” he asked when they finally came up for air. “Where did that come from?”
Since Chase had declared their cabin a “No Girls Allowed” zone, Colin and Daisy went to her cabin. “Madison, you don’t care if Colin sleeps in here, do you?” Daisy asked her. “Are you and Gary fighting?”
“Madison, why are you still here?” Colin asked her. “[Gary’s] down there all, like, confused now. Why don’t you go back there and make him feel comfortable? You’re gonna thank me later.”
“Am I going to thank you?” Mads asked Colin. “No, I still f***ing hate you.” But she scurried out of there and back to Lord Farquaad.
“Have the time of your life,” Colin said as she left.
And at long last, it begins.
TELL US – DO YOU THINK LUCY OVERREACTED TO CHASE’S DRUNKEN ANTICS? OR DO YOU AGREE THAT HE’S PRETTY MUCH AN ASSHOLE, DRUNK OR SOBER? WERE YOU HAPPY TO SEE DAISY AND COLIN FINALLY HOOK UP?