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Recaps

Tamra, Shannon, & Vicki bond in Mexico

Last night’s Real Housewives Of Orange County redefined naked wasted. It was the Golden Girls meets The Hangover and Tamra Judge baptized herself in tequila and got a broken foot for her sins.

I apologize in advance if this recap makes no sense – I guzzled two glasses of wine to cope with the second-hand embarrassment of all the shenanigans and now I feel like Tamra in a hot tub at 2 am: completely lacking in judgement and doing slip and sad reminiscent of an 80’s rock video back when MTV and Tamra were young and their misbehavior funny.

It’s always nice when the RHOC take us out of the church to remind us that no Housewife, no matter how much she protests, can ever truly turn her back on her satanic impulses. Where there be tequila, there be whoop it up and a turn to temptation that delivers Tamra straight back to evil. There’s a certain relief in such consistency, but I applaud Tamra for trying to pretend she wants to do the right thing (no I don’t. I’m over her fake Christian routine, although I am glad she has Eddie whom she seems to sincerely love and cherish.) 

The Real Housewives of Potomac Recap: Special Delivery

What do you get when half the cast of dress up as Wolverine, a guitarist for ZZ-Top, and Robert DeBarge and then hop into the Mystery Machine for a road trip out to Great Falls? It’s either a stroll through my childhood or the last five minutes of this week’s episode of The Real Housewives of Potomac. The ladies are back from France, they’re getting feisty, so let’s just jump into it.

Everyone seems to have a busy day planned. Robyn Dixon is closing on her fixer-upper in Hanover. Monique Samuels gets the breakdown of how the kids did while she was away. Candiace Dillard and her fiancé Chris are working on their wedding bodies with a trainer. Finally, Gizelle Bryant meets up with her hairdresser/ friend, Kal, for lunch.

90 Day Fiance Happily Ever After Recap: The Couples Tell All, Part Two

It was only a matter of time before The Family Chantel busted in again to offer their two cents (which, incidentally, they do NOT want harvested by foreign in-laws). And last night they did just that last night on the 90 Day Fiance Happily Ever After Tell All, which caused Pedro to walk off stage, leaving Chantel to debate the challenges of marriage with the two people who continuously butt their noses into hers. Jorge and Anfisa faced off with Paola and Russ, of the matching bedazzled shoes. Annie threatened to leave David again if he can’t manage to scrape two Bahts together, while Molly droned on some more about what a loser Luis is. In the end, she’s kind of the only winner here because she dumped her extra baggage.

But not so fast! We also got an entire hour after the Tell All that took us on the death march toward Nicole and Azan’s wedding/possible double-murder by Robbalee. Although I won’t be recapping that last hour here, feel free to comment on all of the insanity below! Ah, 90 Day Fiance Happily Ever After, thanks for the memories. We laughed, we cried, we cringed so hard our couches almost swallowed us up. Now, let’s bring on some new couples! (Don’t forget to tune in next week for Before The 90 Days, which will be bringing us a new batch of crazies fresh outta the catfish pond.)

Southern Charm Reunion Recap:

I don’t know about y’all, but I’m pretty sad that Southern Charm has ended. What an amazing season! We witnessed the complete redemption of Kathryn Dennis, the softening of Shep Rose, the badassery of Chelsea Meissner, and the birth of Cameran Eubanks’ daughter Palmer. Craig Conover whined sewed, Naomie Olindo tracked him on her phone, Austen Kroll brewed, and Thomas Ravenel unraveled with the assistance of an equally unhinged romantic entanglement. It was about as perfect as television can get!

Real Housewives Of New York Recap: Guess Who’s Arguing At Dinner?

Guys, this Cartegena trip is not going well. The Real Housewives Of New York continue their journey to the center of Bethenny Frankel’s emotional meltdown this week as she continues to unravel. Dorinda Medley offers support in the best way she knows how: by letting Bethenny cry, then getting drunk and picking a fight with Luann de Lesseps at dinner. While their argument picks up steam on one end of the table, Carole Radziwill faces off with Bethenny on the other. Basically, it’s a boom operator’s nightmare, what with microphones only able to pick up on one Housewife clusterf**k at a time!

Before we get to the big fight, we pick up right where we left off: Bethenny in the kitchen with Dorinda, crying and shoving her head into the freezer. WTF?!? After rejecting Luann’s comfort, Bethenny unloads her worries on Dorinda. She’s in a custody battle with her ex, she’s moving to a new apartment, her life is too scheduled, and she’s at war with her (former) best friend. Basically, Bethenny’s life can be summed up as #ThisIsACrisis.

Hannah with Kenny

While Hannah Ferrier was lazing in bed, having GrubHub show up food delivered by adoring servants and generally ignoring her responsibilities, everything else on Below Deck Mediterranean was smooth as a rubber slide covered in dish detergent!

The guests – the infamous, notorious, dastardly anti-onionists Kenny and Amber were happy, the crew was unified, Conrad Empson was able to set up the slide without a powerpoint presentation from Joao Franco, and even Kasey Cohen managed to activate the coffee machine without a Willy Wonka like explosion. The common denominator here has to be Hannah – either that or the no onions. There’s no way I’m blaming Jamie Jason for anything.

Teen Mom 2 Recap:

From the surgery table to court-ordered child support, and lost aides to road rage, Teen Mom 2 had a lot going on this week.

Chelsea DeBoer: Chelsea takes Watson to a dinosaur museum. Then she and her mom go out to lunch. Mary says she is close to having the baby? I thought Chelsea was still pregnant in real time. Apparently, it’s been a year since Adam has seen Paislee and months since he’s seen Aubree.

Vicki Gunvalson Apologizes To Eddie Judge

I may not know much about the Bible but I do know about the rules and regulations of being a Real Housewife. So I know that Housewivesomy, Bravobial Truths states Thou Shall Honor Girl Code Above All Else. For some reason, for all Vicki Gunvason‘s learning about how the botoxed and manicured hearts and half-witted minds of her species works, she cannot take this to heart. So that is how it goes on The Real Housewives Of Orange County – the same tide that washes in good intentions taketh them away.

However, even in the real world, many cameras and storylines removed from anything touched by Andy Cohen or the dark waters climbing up the spiral staircase leading to Kelly Dodd‘s mid-century un-modern denial, it is bad form – very very bad form – to start double-dating with your friend’s ex-husband WITHOUT TELLING HER. How are we expected to believe that even Vicki is this stupid? Hasn’t she learned from Shannon Beador and Tamra Judge that involving herself in anyone’s marriage, or the disintegrating lack thereof, only leads down the path to H-E-Double-Hockey-Sticks!