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Love After Lockup Recap: Washing Off Prison

Before we recap the wonder that was Love After Lockup this week, let’s offer three cheers and some antibiotics to the brave camera crews who captured this “release day” footage. These hardy souls not only stood by while fresh-out-of-prison folk tongue kissed their lovahs for the first time. Nay! They ventured into woods to record full on sexytimes on dirt piles. I ask you: Can it get any better than this? Hurrah!

Speaking of dirt pile sex, let’s begin with Caitlin and Matt, who cannot wait one more second to jump each other’s bones, so they pull off into the woods to do the deed. This is how you get Lyme’s Disease, but Caitlin calls it the best sex she’s ever had, and Matt is happy he has a girl who doesn’t care about the odd lost tooth or poison sumac up her bum. #SoulMates

Love After Lockup Recap: I Want This To Be Real

WEtv is serving up some serious stank with the season two crew of Love After Lockup, and this Friday night’s show gave us another overflowing-dumptruck-claw of the garbage TV we need in our lives. Mmmm. Smells like 90 day old chicken.

Last week, Lizzie was released from prison, running into the open arms of Scott and knocking one of his 7 teeth to the ground. This week, we pick up with Lizzie’s ride home, which features an all expenses paid shopping spree at the gas station. And we thought fairytales were just for storybooks. Bah!

Love After Lockup Recap: The $12,000 Lie

If we thought Love After Lockup’s premiere episode for Season Two was insane, then we had no idea what WEtv had up its sleeve. Because this week’s Love After Lockup was even better. By better, I mean crazier, messier, and even more whack. Everything we’re looking for in our favorite trash TV show!

Last week, we met three couples plus a thrupple. Yep, one of this season’s inmates, Michael, has TWO women on the outside waiting for him. Neither woman knows the other exists, which will make for an extremely interesting release day. Before we get to this epic disaster, let’s review the progression/regression of events in everyone else’s tale of prison romance.

Love After Lockup Recap: The Virgin & The Trick

We asked, we believed, and we received. Love After Lockup is back with a new cast (and some familiar faces) for another season of love, prison-style. YES!!! From the producers who gave us 90 Day Fiance, Sharp Entertainment is bringing us a classic story of true romance: Boy meets girl, they fall in love, boy proposes to girl. Only one minor issue: Boy (or in some cases, girl) is incarcerated in the United States prison system.

If you enjoy hearing lines like, “I was cruising the internet one night and I stumbled across pictures of [prisoner’s name] on meetaninmate.com” as the introductory sentence to an epic love story, then this is the show for you. Our couples this season include two holdovers from Love After Lockup Season One – Scott & Lizzie and Angela & Tony – plus four new couples hoping to make it work on the “outside.” Let’s review who’s been pierced with Cupid’s homemade shiv this year.

Farrah Abraham and Jenelle Evans

Well it truly is a toss-up between Jenelle Evans and Farrah Abraham on who needs family therapy more, but it looks like Jenelle won’t get the opportunity to be fixed on WeTV’s Family Boot Camp.

The Teen Mom 2 star had signed a contract and was due to begin filming Family Boot Camp this month, accompanied by boyfriend David Eason and mom Barbara Evans, but then they realized there would be no one to watch the kids while they were cavorting around L.A. Plus, David got sentenced to 60 days in jail. Plus, Jenelle is pregnant. So it just didn’t work out! Actually no – not quite!

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Marriage Boot Camp Reality Stars

Marriage Boot Camp Reality Stars is set to return next year – and WE tv has announced which reality TV stars have begged agreed to air their dirty laundry for another 15 minutes of fame. #TheAmericanDream

As previously reported, Reid and Aviva Drescher have agreed to do the show. Apparently, the Real Housewives of New York star’s obsession with fame and need for attention is causing a rift in their marriage, so they’re going on a reality TV show to work on it. Because, of course.

The Hills couple Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag have also signed up. I guess Celebrity Wife Swap didn’t solve their problems, so off to Marriage Boot Camp they go. First problem: they are flat broke. Second problem: Heidi really wants to start a family, but alllllll Spencer wants to do is party.

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alexis-vow-renewal

This weekend Alexis Bellino renewed her vows to Jim Bellino in an over-the-top wedding that wasn’t a wedding on David Tutera‘s CELEBrations. And I can see why all of Alexis’ Real Housewives of Orange County castmates couldn’t stand her because Alexis needs sedatives – or some sort of psychiatric drugs. She constantly throws tantrums and is mega attention seeking! 

Alexis wants David at her beck and call and treats him like ‘the help’. Two queens don’t make a right!  To add to the drama, David is also in the middle of planning his daughter Cielo’s first birthday party and is strapped for time. 

Jim surprised Alexis with the concept of a ten-year anniversary renewal by hiring poor to David show up at their house unannounced while Alexis was ‘reading’ the Bible (translation: looking at a children’s picture book version of a Bible while wearing knock-off Chanel). Jim’s surprise gift is that he wants the party to be in a week and he wants something classy and elegant – the irony of classy and elegant being used to describe anything related to Alexis does not escape me. Or David, who smirks at the correlation.

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 alexis and jim bellino vow renewalOnce a reality TV famewhore, always a reality TV famewhore, right?!  To celebrate their ten-year anniversary, Alexis Bellino just renewed her vows to chimplant Jim Bellino in an over-the-top ceremony for WeTV’s ‘Celebrations‘ starring celebrity wedding planner David Tutera. Since being fired from Real Housewives of Orange County, Alexis has been relatively quiet, but apparently she’s been trying to nab the former glory again. 

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