Last night’s episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey was all about the role of the mother and life’s ever changing directions. Melissa struggles with balancing future pop-stardom with Gorga/Giudice drama, The Caroline still (always and forever) has empty-nest syndrome, Jacqueline is forced into buying the undeserving Ashley a car, Kathy is confused about what show she is on as she tries to educate her children and the public, and Teresa,well she dressed her daughters in matching gold leather vests and attempted to repair her family relations in another round of Gorga vs. Gorga. Can we just get to the C-Celebrity death match already and put this thing to rest?
Things begin at the Gorga household (which is decorated like a funeral home) where Melissa randomly bursts into a very ungraceful version of “Amazing Grace” prompting her husband and soon-to-be manager (spouse-ager? husband-ager?) to exclaim that she sounds like she is coming out of a radio! Cue home movies of a young Melissa aka “future supa star” performing. Melissa explains it was her father who wanted to make her a star – so that explains how she started chasing cameras! Melissa and Non-Juicy Joe come up with a plan – he will become her father (creepy! I am assuming he meant support her as her father did?) and help her pursue her dream! She will be a part-time mommy/part-time pop star! I’m envisioning Jazz Hands here as I type this.
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The Caroline is still mourning the end of her life as a mommy since her blessed sons have abandoned her with nothing to do but forlornly follow Albert around a golf course. After lamenting the passing of her years as a maid, a cook (not chef) and a chauffer to Albie and Christopher’s greatness, Caroline complains about having nothing to do and decides she should become a nanny. Maybe Jacqueline needs a sitter for Ashley! To appease her, Albert starts talking about grandchildren. Well, Lauren and Vito may be their only hope for that, given the recent acquisition of a lease on one Hoboken Bachelor Pad! And then Albert has a vision – Caroline can start an advice column because she did such a great job raising her blessed boys – oh, and that other one, the girl – and she can tell other mothers how to do things her way too. And since America has not heard enough of The Caroline’s voice she will very soon be on the radio telling more people what to do! #changethestation.
And speaking of someone who needs that advice column – here comes Jacqueline and drippy, droopy obnoxious, be-spray tanned Awfuley and she is getting a new car. Yes – another one. Since she cleaned her room this one time and went to intern once Chris thinks she’s earned it! Has Chris had his mental faculties examined? Smirking droopily in her droopy hideous hat with her face painted pumpkin orange (is this the new style in NYC?) Awfuley is acting all smug towards Jac, like: “B*tch I deserve this – I’ve never been to rehab and I’ve only broken the law and been sued like twice.”
Chris has decided he will make SOME of the payments – after Jacqueline co-signs for the loan – and then Awfuley will take over the remaining payments (I’m so sure) with the money from
Bravo her unpaid internship and part-time job. Is her Bravo “career” considered the part-time job? So, Miss Orange Spray Tan from Hell is the proud borrower owner of a new Jeep Wrangler. Is that the same car she had last time? I cannot believe I am saying this, but I agree with Jacqueline – she was really, truly being the voice of reason here. If Teresa goes and does something responsible I’m afraid the world is going to end.
At Kathy’s house she is demonstrating responsible parenting by discussing drugs and alcohol with her teen children and requesting that they sign a contract agreeing not to use. Hmmm…perhaps Jacqueline needs to pay a visit to the Wakile family. Or better yet, maybe they will adopt Awfuley. Kathy’s son Joseph decides to be honest and admit he’ll likely have a drink or two someday. Uh Oh – that’s a definite no-no in Kathy’s head neck.
Kathy reveals the reason for her over-protectiveness and explains her daughter Victoria had a tumor the size of a tennis ball on her brain when she was ten-years-old! Kathy also lets us know that during that time – before Non-Juicy married Melissa and everyone got along – Teresa and both Joes were there for her family. Victoria, proving she is the antithesis of Awfuley, is starting a brain-awareness club (which Ashley could not be a member of because, well, she is lacking a brain) and Joseph is helping her. Kathy expresses her concern that Victoria and Joseph will get along as adults. It seems like they’ll be ok Kathy – they already seem far more mature than Teresa and Non-Juicy.
Melissa and her sisters are shopping at Posche, oh excuse me – Posche is where Teresa shops for the gaudiest and tackiest – Melissa shops at Erez which is owned by an equally blonde, skinny lady with bad taste. Teresa, describing how she Melissa rolls, says when Melissa wants something she knows how to get it. She also lets us know that Melissa obtained her MRS degree with plans to teach until she got married and then much like her sister-in-law decided to just stay home and spend money instead. While trying on a skin- tight gold sequined tube dress that is much too long (because it isn’t crotch length?!) she and her sisters use this spontaneous opportunity to start plugging her brand new singing career. Despite the fact that Non-Juicy likes Melissa “pregnant and cooking in the kitchen,” Joe, envisioning Kris Jenner and all the wealth and tacky she has amassed pimping out her family, decides his wife will be a star with his support. So he buys her a piano – what not an auto-tune machine?
At Teresa’s house, she is listening to this growling emerging from her bedazzled phone – it’s Non-Juicy Joe and he has finally responded to her letter! He wants to see Gia’s gymnastic meet. Teresa and Gia are emotional about Joe’s reaching out and Gia is so excited her uncle wants to see her perform. Jr. Mafia is again sleeping off another hangover and can’t be bothered. Later on the phone Teresa and Non-Juicy agree he will come to the meet which starts at 1:30 and they have one of those awkward, things left unsaid conversations where you’re both nervous but happy, so anyways Joe is coming to the meet and Gia is thrilled! Teresa is so excited she immediately calls her therapist, Jacqueline. Teresa basically ignores Jacqueline’s advice until Jacqueline tells her what she wants to hear: that Teresa is right of course!
At the Jeep dealership, Awfuley is getting her brand new shiny black Jeep and to prove how responsible and ready she is for a car, she spends the evening sulking, arguing with her father and being rude, and ignoring everything while texting – in short, once she realized she is getting a car she reverts right back to her old obnoxious self. Ugh. Awfuley is so awful. Jacqueline, who is so clearly not into this plan of rewarding bad behavior (maybe she has been reading The Caroline’s blog) admits that Ashley only needs her for rides and money. Well, yeah that’s true and if you stop giving her both she might grow up, move out, and get her act together.
Melissa is meeting with her song-writing partner who has written her a song that he should have saved for himself because he can actually hit the notes. Well, hopefully with practice Melissa will get there and if not – if they can make Gretchen and Kim Z sound semi-musical I’m sure they can work wonders on Melissa! Kathy, proving once again she is way too articulate and intelligent for this show describes that women do not forget their dreams once they enter motherhood, these dreams lie dormant until the opportunity to pursue them re-emerges. Oh Kathy – that was way too much smarts for this show! I mean we are talking about a show that features Teresa and Jr. Mafia discussing their sex life every other episode!
Finally the day of G-to-the-Eeeya’s gymnastic meet has arrived. And Gia is adorable! I’m glad Gia is doing gymnastics now instead of child modeling or whatever kreepy Kardashian-like activities Teresa was forcing her into last season. Gia is waiting and waiting and where’s Uncle Joe?! Oh here they come – Hat and Hat and Jr Hat– also in a bedazzled beret, arriving hours late but at least they showed up! Non-Juicy’s hat has a big “D” on it (for douche?) and Melissa is rocking something with rhinestones. I guess the reason they were so late is they spent too much time coordinating hats or something?
Since this is allll about the children by the time Non-Juicy and Melissa finally arrive the meet has ended and they have missed Gia’s events. Poor Gia. Everyone is tense and awkward and Teresa is asking over and over again “Didn’t you know what time it started?” Joe got the time confused but whatever – because Teresa is always late to family functions according to Melissa; even her
baby’s christening son’s first birthday. Melissa, who seems annoyed that she is even there keeps giving Teresa the side-eye, hair eyeball like: “Lay off my husband, lady.” Teresa, laying the ultimate Italian guilt trip, tells Joe the sad story of Gia waiting and waiting for him, being so excited for him to see her gymnastics that she got so nervous she kept messing up.
Non-Juicy and Teresa agree to meet at a restaurant to tawk. Oooooohhhh… and then Non-Juicy’s mom yells at him for being late. Good job Mama Gorga! Teresa decries that if Non-Juicy wants to be close to his ONLY sister he better do something about it since she took the first step in writing her little “bother” a letter. Not to be one-upped in the emotional guilt trip department, Melissa is crying about how no one in Non-Juicy’s family cares about her and everyone blames her for the feud. Melissa, the martyr, decides she will graciously take everyone’s sh*t for Joe to have his family back and Joe decides No way! Teresa is the one who has the guilty conscience – she better fix it. So Non-Juicy is layin’ down the law and issuing an ultimatum: Teresa better apologize or else! Duh-duh-duuuuh!
Next week: Teresa pulls on her big girl panties, Melissa and Teresa meet in a wine cellar, and Jacqueline and The Caroline once again get involved.
So, do you think Melissa is being blamed for family problems when its not her fault? Would you listen to The Caroline on the radio? Should Jacqueline have co-signed on Awfuley’s new car?