Let’s talk about hypocrites… we see a lot of those on reality TV. Something we also see a lot of is impending nervous breakdowns – and it seems to me we’re witnessing a scary combination of the two in Caroline Manzo. Last night’s episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey was supposed to be about gay rights with the celebration of Jaime Laurita‘s wedding and Rosie Pierri accepting her own sexuality – sadly it was eclipsed by Caroline vs. Teresa Giudice with Caroline serving up more pettiness and more spite. This show was also about sibling relationships – and so many of these reality sibs actually have some pretty abysmal ones.
Things begin with Teresa and Gia having a chat about Teresa’s never peaceable relationship with Joe Gorga. Teresa is poking at Gia to open up with her while Gia is poking at an eggo waffle – I don’t remember that recipe being in any of T’s cookbooks! I kid, I kid.
Teresa wants to know if Gia thinks she is working hard enough on her relationship with Non-Juicy Joe and if she should do anything differently. Teresa taking advice from a ten-year-old says everything. LOL. In all actuality I thought it was a very sweet and age-appropriate conversation. I appreciated that Teresa wanted Gia to know they are working on things, but I also think Gia is exposed to a leetle too much family drama.
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Showing a much, much different sibling relationship is Kathy Wakile and Rosie. Rosie wants to officially “come out” to Kathy and Richie‘s teenaged children who are probably more than aware that Rosie is gay, but I think it’s awesome that she wants to sit down with them and talk about the experience and her sexuality.
Rosie is discussing how she should handle the situation with Kathy and we get the back story. Kathy admits that for years Rosie isolated her and seemed uncomfortable accepting herself given their traditional Italian family, but since acknowledging her sexuality they have become very close. Kathy is very supportive of Rosie and it’s awesome to see a genuine relationship on this show. Kathy needs to teach a class or write a book: Siblinghood for Dummies.
Rosie tells Joseph and Victoria about coming out and how she was uncomfortable with her identity, but now she realizes God made her this way. It was really moving and sweet. She reveals that her father knew and hinted by saying she would never get married. After the really moving story, proving that he is Richie‘s son, Joseph wants to know about gaydar. Which was cute and honest. That was a great scene.
Moving on, Joe G-to-the-Orga has bought some sort of abandoned insane asylum or something. He’s going to be stashing his sister and Caroline in there very soon. Going to check out the premises with him is his very own Nurse Ratchet, Melissa Gorga. Melissa has of course worn 5″ heels to tour the disgusting and broken down building. In fairness, he maybe didn’t tell her of the condition.
Melissa explains that Joe has big “cahoonas” pronounced like Kahuna (and clearly she means cojones) where his business investments are concerned. Aaaahhh… Jerseyisms. Once inside the building, Melissa is freaked out and feels like she’s in a horror movie. Cue the really horrible overly-dramatic acting like she’s in a scary movie.
Ugh – Melissa is definitely trying to get an acting gig. For serious… she was totally seeking some attention for her acting chops. Hoping to be the next NeNe Leakes, I wonder? I think Melissa’s acting is on par with her singing. #Don’tQuitYourDayJob Where is Jay Mohr when we need him to rip this scene something righteous!?
Joe tells Melissa that Richie thinks he and Teresa should go to therapy together and he is going to send her a text suggesting it. Melissa reads it aloud for us which further adds to my speculation that she in fact wrote said text because Joey can’t read. Hooked on Phonics, brother!
Up next is some more seriously scary behavior as Teresa hits up the pool, wine and all, with Kim D. Kim D is wearing a string bikini and my stars that is the worst boob job since Tori Spelling! Paging Dr. Paul or Dr. Dubrow – help a girl out! Teresa explains that she is friends with Kim D because well, duh, Kim agrees with everything she says and is her “biggest fan.” Freudian Slip?
I get it, I say my husband is my biggest fan, but I’m not on a reality show so the meaning isn’t misconstrued. That being said – that friendship is as real as the boobs on those two broads. Me thinks Kim is grasping at straws to get her butt on this show but she has some stiff drama-tition in the form of Heather Robinson – more on her later!
Teresa tells Kim about Joey thinking they need therapy. Teresa is in denial and insists she doesn’t need any therapy. Oh lord… there’s a reason de-Nile is the longest river in Egypt! Kim, proving how she works the obstinate Mrs. Giudice (are you observing, Jacs?) spins it as maybe Joey needs the therapy and T should go to support her brother who is clearly crazy, insane, and a disaster. Which he is – but so is T.
Teresa agrees Joe does need help. I mean look who he married – and after being engaged three times! Not like her – who picked a winner on the first try. “I Thought He Was A Good Man: The Teresa Giudice Story”… I can see it on Lifetime now. Actually, I want to see it on Lifetime (“My life, My time”) right now!
Later she tells Jacqueline Laurtia that Joey wants her to go to “physical therapy” because he needs to see someone about his marriage and she thinks he should take the real problem with him – and that real problem is his wife! Jacqueline is like, ‘Ummm…really? You don’t think you need any help? Not at all? Coulda fooled me!’ She suggests that Teresa not rule the option out and then tells the ITM that therapy only works if you’re open to it and clearly Teresa is in denial.
Teresa eyes Jacs warily and is like, ‘Bitch I need about as much help as you do. I mean your daughter’s as hot a mess as my husband and you’re drinking wine in my closet in the middle of the day…’ but then she says she doesn’t think it’s necessary in this situation because she knows how to fix her relationship with her brother. Duh! It’s called divorce.
Side Note: I think there was a glass of wine in every scene of this episode. Perhaps these ladies wouldn’t have so many problems if they put down the vino, if you will. Side Note Again: And by that I mean I’m jealous that they sit around drinking in the middle of the afternoon and get paid to do it.
Also in desperate need of some therapy – of any type – is Caroline. Oh lawdy. Menopause is not a viable excuse for all her behavior. So Teresa will be attending Jamie‘s wedding and also attending is Caroline and Jacqueline.
Chris Laurita and Caroline happen to be the only 2 out of 11 Laurita siblings attending. Even Dina Manzo - who is very close to Jamie – isn’t making an appearance and apparently this is all Teresa‘s fault. According to Jacs, Teresa is to blame for Caroline and Dina’s relationship falling apart as Teresa told Dina that Caroline was trying to take her down, “business-opportunity-wise.” Yeah… does that sound completely ridiculous to anyone else?
I’m really not sure why no one could go – that in itself is odd to me. Also odd - Teresa is supposedly good friends with Jamie yet she hasn’t met his partner who he has been dating over a decade? But maybe the man has just always been afraid of NJ and made himself scarce.
So, Caroline doesn’t want Teresa to go and she thinks Teresa’s love act is all bullshit, bullshit, bullshit… like 100 times over. And she’s pissed that not only is Teresa ruining her own family, now she’s trying to ruin Caroline’s. Alright then, that’s some good logic. On a scale of 1 to Alexis Bellino – that line of reasoning is about a Pinot Singer level of ridiculous.
Sadly, because Teresa is attending the ceremony so too is Joe Giudice and his litany of inappropriate, slightly homophobic comments. Joe jokes that he’s going to be wearing a suit jacket with no shirt, shorts, and flipflops to the ceremony because that’s what overweight middle-aged Italian men wear to gay weddings.
Actually the dress code stipulates pastel colors and British Wedding hats. Caroline doesn’t wear hats. There’s actually a looong list of things Caroline doesn’t do or like. Topping the list currently is Teresa. Despite Caroline’s hatred, she’s decided to co-exist with Teresa which in Teresa’s mind means everything is hunkydory and things are good.
On the airport jitney Teresa chatters amicably about the weekend and is in good spirits while the Manzo spawn and Queen Sourpuss barely contain their contempt. Now, I don’t know if it’s a testament to Teresa’s hubris or her good naturedness, but she was able to keep above the fray and remain positive. She worries about Jamie‘s large dogs because she’s afraid of dogs. Apparently because she has “sweet blood” she always gets bitten. Sweet blood, huh.
The Caroline snips that if Teresa‘s afraid of dogs, she’s a bulldog. I think I’ll file that little tome into the category of “unflattering comparisons.” So, I’m not sure what being a bulldog implies but Caroline is getting dog fight scrappy on T Giu’s spray tanned ass and I’m scared.
The Caroline lets us know she doesn’t get involved in Teresa‘s family drama and so Teresa should not be attending this wedding. Caroline seems to believe her family issues are just, you know, run of the mill and will sort themselves out. I suspect Caroline’s family issues have a lot to do with something that rhymes with Paroline, but starts with a C. Not to point fingers or anything!
Anyway The Caroline makes some analogy to wood and fire and claims Teresa is adding wood to the fire that is her family issues while she never gets involved and instead tries to put out fires. Um… seriously? CAROLINE doesn’t get involved in Teresa’s family drama? Need I direct you to some pretty compelling evidence in the form of RHONJ Season 3 & 4. We are approaching a code red Taylor Armstrong level of delusion here. Please, Andy Cohen - I implore you call in the physical therapist before Caroline drops $100,000k on Albie‘s next birthday party!
Juicy starts getting drunk. The Manzos were afraid of what Juicy would do and say at the wedding. He tells a story about the “gayest” thing he ever did to Jaime who pretends to find it amusing while secretly wondering if having Bravo film his wedding was worth it.
Meanwhile at the Jersey shore, The Wakiles who live within their means (as Kathy points out) have rented a house and are having an adults-only debauched orgy of a party. Attending is rumored possible Housewife Heather Robinson. Kathy is really singing her praises trying to get her hired. She goes on and on about how hot Heather is and Rosie is literally drooling.
Joey tells Richie that Teresa never responded to his text about therapy and no one seems surprised. Melissa remarks that everyone needs to give a little bit and take steps to move forward if they want things to change -and I quite agree. There is far too much talk and far too little action on this cast!
They all change into swim wear and Joey chooses to change in the road. Nice. Were it not for the miraculous and truly eligible for sainthood editors we would have been treated to a glimpse of “Tarzan.” Thank you Jeeezus we were spared.
Kinda… In the hot tub, Heather strips down to her bikini and has some ick tattoos. She leaps on Rosie and is shoving her boobs in her face. I wasn’t aware that this was Middle Aged Girls Gone Wild I was watching. Even the former Miss. Lookers herself is a little
jealous shocked by Heather’s very wild behavior. Melissa mentions that there are definitely two sides to Heather – and one of them thinks she’s 22 and on MTV spring break! I’m gonna chalk it up to intoxication and a desperate desire to get herself on television. But good lord, how many times did she need to mount Rosie in that hot tub? Wowzers!
On the bus back to Chicago from Jamie’s house, Joe G-to-the-Iudice is totally trashed and is opening yet another bottle. Someone allegedly farts (him?) and Juicy screams that Greggy is the culprit as he has the loosest butthole on the bus. Crass and gross.
Caroline comments that Juicy is the shell of a man she met several years ago and he has really fallen apart. Indeed it is sad – we have watched his descent from the fun-loving, happy-go-lucky guy to a bitter, angry, well possibly drunk. Caroline refrains from commenting on his antics, because she doesn’t want Teresa to ruin Jaime‘s wedding.
Caroline lets us know she is a ticking bomb and ready to blow… tick, tick, tick… . I anticipate the big kaboom coming next week.
Next Week: Jamie’s wedding, fights, fights, and more fights!
THOUGHTS ON THE EPISODE? IS CAROLINE LOSING HER MARBLES? DID TERESA DESERVE TO BE AT JAMIE’S WEDDING?