Last night on Real Housewives of New Jersey everyone mostly got along and for a second there I thought I was watching the wrong show until Caroline Manzo popped up to insult her children on national TV. Oh Caroline, cut the cord. And Manzo Spawn – run.
It’s the day of Antonia Gorga‘s sixth birthday party and what’s a mama to do but get her make-up and hair professionally done for a backyard party filled with kindergartners. Do stilettos go with a bouncy castle? Didn’t think so!
While Melissa Gorga is in the make-up chair, Antonia is hard at work assembling gift bags. Who’s the birthday girl again? Melissa is gushing about Antonia’s lavish party – Joey Gorga tells her she’s too expensive. Don’t try to compete with Taylor Armstrong, Melissa.
The lip injections are already taking it too far.
Melissa asks Poison about the visit to the therapist. Joey proceeds to tell us that Teresa Giudice must have lied to the doctor about how they had Sunday dinners together and then Teresa tells us the doctor didn’t like them. Then they both blame each other for all the problems in the relationship while claiming they are all about peace, love, and forgiveness. Why do they both do this? It’s ridiculous!
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Melissa suggests they start having Sunday dinners and decides to plan the first one and invite Joey‘s parents and Teresa‘s family. Meanwhile at Teresa’s marble catastrophe – otherwise known as the place they can’t afford but luckily still reside in - Milania calls Juicy a “big poop” and says he doesn’t like spending time with his kids. When she writes her childhood memoirs I predict it will be titled: “Big Poop Goes To Jail and Other Un-fond Recollections From A Giudice Youth”
So Teresa arrives at Antonia‘s party and surprisingly all the other guests aren’t leaving because she’s 16 hours late. And she’s wearing flats and jeans; I swear I was imagining things. Meanwhile Melissa is in stilettos and a micro-mini. Hopefully she’ll be staying out of the caterpillar maze, but if not a whole trail of pre-teen boys – and Joey – will be following her!
All the kids are having fun running around, the cousins are playing and hugging. In short everyone seemed happy and it was really nice and natural. Teresa compliments Melissa on the beautiful party and they have a tawk about the impending Sunday dinner. I was too distracted by the dead bird on top of Anotonia‘s cake which was positioned directly behind Melissa’s head.
Teresa tells Melissa that therapy was a waste of time and she’s suing for a refund. Melissa reminds her that Bravo paid and Teresa is like, ‘Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah… so I can’t get my monies back?’ Anyway, they agree to do Sunday dinner – and Melissa wants sprinkle cookies, bitch! You know Teresa is bringing pignoli ones and a copy of Fabulicious so Melissa can have her recipe for future reference.
Then Teresa talks to Joey about the fight with Jacqueline Laurita – and it’s a nice and normal conversation not fraught with death glares and twisted words, except Jacqueline happens to be behind Teresa the entire time and Joey didn’t warn her. How’s that for awkward. Jacqueline says she’s decided to be civil to Teresa and she hopes the feelings are reciprocated. And they are! Everyone is behaving so normally. I’m expecting a meteor to strike at any moment. Jacqueline discusses the difficulties of the Teresa situation with Kathy Wakile and Melissa.
Kathy sympathizes and compares her relationship with Teresa to a “mine field.” Jacqueline is sad about the condition of their relationship and Kathy believes the Napa trip might be just the thing to help them reconnect. Is she delusional? A Bravo trip is just the thing to yank the stitches out of an unhealed wound! Meanwhile Teresa is in the caterpillar maze and completely oblivious. I’m still shocked she’s wearing flats. In public.
Caroline Manzo and Lauren are checking out spaces for their new boutique and beauty spa, Cafface. Apparently it’s a cafe for your face.
Lauren and Caroline are in business together – as in business partners. Lauren is a lucky girl; daddy bought her a lapband and mommy bought her a business. Sadly, that means she has to work with Caroline who is holding her 1% controlling share over Lauren’s head like it’s a guillotine blade. She is striking down all of Lauren’s ideas as frivolous and wasteful, then mocking her with this immature voice. She’s a bulldog, remember. No – she’s just rude.
Lauren doesn’t like the name, but The Caroline insists people want a restaurant menu with facial options and a beauty buffet – and tea parties for eye shadow, so once again Lauren’s opinion doesn’t count. These two need Jacq‘s lifecoach. And why are they opening a business? Their last one failed after one day!
Over in Hoboken, home of the broken down Manzo spawn, it’s Greggy’s birthday and he’s cooking … everything. And Albie apparently has a girl over. Everyone is shocked. They’ve never seen a girl that wasn’t a member of RHONJ, so they’re not sure what to do. Apparently she is an NFL cheerleader and hot.
She’s also Prince Albie‘s girlfriend, but he tells Greg that she was sick and just needed a place to crash last night. Greg makes a priceless reference comparing Albie to Clara Barton and I momentarily like Greg. Then I remember, he’s Greg.
We catch a glimpse of Lindsey from behind and she’s carrying a garbage bag. Which leads me to two conclusions: 1) She’s pulling an Angelina Pivarnick and moving into the house Jersey Shore style with her clothes in a trash bag. OR 2) Albie‘s girlfriend is already cleaning up and taking out the trash. Mama’s Boy to the core!
Albie tells us his non-girlfriend who just needed a place to crash while sick will be meeting his mom at Greggy‘s surprise party this evening. Then he gulps, rubs his sweaty hands together, and whispers that he hopes security is in place.
So, Melissa will be performing “On Display” at a thing called BeatStock, a big outdoor concert. And to go with her non-singing career she has to look like she can actually dance. Her manager or something tells her he’s hooking her up with an amazing choreographer.
And cue Chris Judd, former hubby of J.Lo, choreographer to the stars who is obviously desperate for his own reality show. He is kidnapped and smuggled out to the Fred Astaire dancing school in West NJ – which is where Antonia takes lessons – and here comes Melissa!
In NYC at a legit dance studio, stage mom and future Dance Moms candidate, Teresa has brought Gia to an audition for what else – BeatStock. Who do we think is copying whom now? I blame Bravo for the set-up. We know this is no mere coincidence! Gia is wearing “Fabulicious” booty shorts and Teresa yells across the studio: “I like your booty!”
Chris Judd, who wants to wither away and die is teaching Melissa, who I think could dance with practice while Gia is whizzing through the pop and lock. Teresa tells us Gia has been dancing since age two, and every little girl wants to be a singer and dancer when they grow up. Right, Melis! And back to Melissa laughing nervously as she flubs simple combinations and waves her hands around erratically.
Chris reminds her he once worked with Michael Jackson and she better not squander this precious five minutes. Is Chris being blackmailed? Why is he on this show? Melissa nervously mentions, “Michael Jackson to Melissa Gorga…” and the sinking reality that she can neither dance nor sing sets in. ”I just don’t want to make a fool of myself,” she says.
Kathy is planning a family dinner to meet Rosie‘s new flame, Briann, who is the woman Rosie met at the gay bar while drunk – and isn’t sure she remembers her name. Kathy also doesn’t remember the bitch’s name. Isn’t that one of the first rules of being a good hostess, Kath? I expect better. Bravo gives us a close-up of the meatballs Kathy is making. And I swear if I see ONE MORE meatball on RHONJ I might scream. All these women do is argue, drink, make meatballs, apply bronzer and sequins, and argue about meatballs. Meatballs of both the food and husband variety.
So Briann arrives and Rich can barely contain himself. He practically throws himself on her, leering that he loves lesbians and they have so much in common. Like muffdiving. Really. He said this. In front of his MIL and children. Muffdiving! Really, Rich?
Greggy‘s surprise birthday party is in full-swing. Teresa, I mean Lauren, is preparing herself mentally for meeting cheerleader Lindsey. And she already doesn’t like her – and thinks she’s a whore. And Lauren knows what a whore looks like.
Also not impressed - Caroline, who makes snide comments about Lindsey being a cheerleader and then snipes “rah rah.” Upon meeting Lindsay, Lauren says with a glare, ”You’re very pretty.” Then Lauren complains about her mother ruining her business and takes out her unhappiness by being rude to Lindsay.
She actually tells a cheerleader that she doesn’t think she has any rhythm and can’t dance. Really, Lauren?
The Gorgas are also attending the party and Joe, of the
down low variety likes to flirt with Greggy variety, is ready to give him the gift of sucking shots off his naked chest.
Melissa says Joey isn’t gay – she hopes! Joe comes out swinging by placing his hand on Chris Laurita‘s thigh. Chris hints that he wants Joe to go further by moving his hand to his crotch. This is all happening on TV – in public.
Melissa‘s gift to Greggy is to convince the DJ to promote her song “Rockstar” while she jumps on stage – toilet paper on shoe - to dance around. ‘Happy Birthyday, Greggy, I’m On Display! Look at MEEEE!’ Then she pulls an embarrassed Lindsey into the mix. Lindsey is wondering why middle-aged people are making fools of themselves in public. Then Joey gets involved by grinding on Greg.
I have one question: Where are Greg‘s real friends? Why was it all HW people at this party? Lauren must feel spiteful that Melissa didn’t yank her up on stage. ”Girl’s got good genes. What do you want me to say? It’s my dad’s fault,” she snipes about Lindsey‘s appearance.
Lindsey seemed so nice and is very pretty. She definitely seemed like she did not want to be there and was totally traumatized by the incident. Adding to mess, Melissa and Jacqueline start giving her advice on becoming a wife. Like The Caroline would let that happen!
“Respect and sex are the keys to a happy marriage. Also, vacuum and buy a fruit basket, Oh and if you have sex you get shoes. So yeah – have sex get, shoes. And then fold his clothes. But remember sex = stuff. I’m not a gold-digger, btw,” Melissa explains of ladylike values & being a good wife. Lindsey smiled, nodded, and desperately looked for the nearest exit. In her mind she had already dumped Albie.
So Caroline doesn’t like Lindsey, although she is nice in a completely fake way. She decides that Albie can’t manage BLK and having a relationship. She also feels Lindsay doesn’t understand Albie’s priorities and will ruin his business chances by demanding that she is the most important thing in her life. She actually tells all of America that Albie isn’t “capable” of having a girlfriend and a job. And Lauren isn’t capable of being thin or running a business.
Why is Caroline acting like Lindsey isn’t good enough for Albie? Run, Lindsey, Run! Oh, she’s already gone. Poor Albie.
[Photo Credit: BravoTV.com]
WHO IS A BETTER DANCER: G-TO-THE-IA OR MELISSA G-TO-THE-ORGA? WHAT IS CAROLINE’S DEAL WITH ALBIE’S GIRLFRIEND?
Also, in case you didn’t catch WWHL last night, Mike Tyson and Melissa were the guests. Mike was hilarious, off-the-cuff, and totally wild. It was a great show and he called everyone out on their crazy. His comments on the Giudice bankruptcy were priceless.