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Bachelor Pad is back. Last week’s premiere mainly brought us super fan angst and a drunken Ed Swiderski

Tonight’s episode features the never-ending fighting between the super fan twins Brittany and Erica Taltos, a rhythmic gymnastics challenge, Ed‘s pickles, and a surprising rose ceremony.

Are these blonde twins for real? Their voices and fights are mind numbing.

“Stop yelling at me,” says one. “You called me a slut,” says the other.

“Stop yelling at me!”

“You did it. I cried. You did it again. I cried again. You did it againnn. I cried againnn.”

“Stop yelling at me! I’m sorry I called you a slut. I won’t do it again, okay? I wouldn’t have said it if I were sober.”

I have no clue which one is Erica and which one is Brittany. The others are saying how annoying the twins are and that they’re walking episodes of the Jerry Springer show. It’s a sad day in your life when the Bachelor Pad contestants are making fun of you.

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The twins hug it out.

“We have to talk about strategy. And, like, how do people like us?” says one. (Is she kidding?)

“Let’s just get a drink and forget about it,” says the other. (Yes, because more drinks is exactly what these two need.)

Challenge

The next morning, Chris Harrison introduces this week’s challenge. There are two individual roses up for grabs. The challenge involves rhythmic gymnastics in honor the Olympics.  The Olympics – what the people who value their brain cells are watching right now.

The guys practice first. Ed and Reid Rosenthal are exceptionally bad.  Super fan David and Michael Stagliano are taking it seriously. David is trying really hard to master the moves. Michael looks like he’s been doing this his entire life.

For the women, Erica Rose looks like she couldn’t care less. She is so bad and she’s not even trying to learn. It’s all a big joke to her. Super fan Donna is confident in her ability, as she did gymnastics once or twice in her life. I’m guessing before the implants. Donna wants to win so she can take Michael on a date. Sizing up her competition, she says Jamie Otis and Blakeley Jones look really good.

Erica‘s whiny monotone voice can leave the Bachelor Pad at ANY time. To make it every more unbearable, she talks in slow motion. Why is she even there? She’s not hot or interesting. The Bachelor Pad sign up sheet must have been really lacking in names this season for the producers to bring in super fans and Erica Rose.

The judges for the gymnastic competition are Ashley Hebert and JP Rosenbaum and professional gymnast Tasha Sweigert.

Erica whines about being judged by a gymnast. Of course. Maybe she should have taken the practice more seriously. Ugh – why do I care?

The women’s routine is so horrible it’s embarrassing. I have no idea how they didn’t all end up on the ground all wrapped up in their ribbons. Kalon McMahon says while watching them, “I was so relieved. It took any and all pressure off once we realized absolutely terrible the girls were. Like, shopping and gymnastic, what else to they have to do with their life? Kalon has such a nice opinion on women, doesn’t he? The guys were so much better than the women. The judges were impressed.

Chris Bukowski says if he wins, he’s not taking Blakeley on his date. On the other hand, Blakeley says if she wins, she’s definitely taking Chris.

The judges have to pick the best male and female and the worst male and female. Worst female is Erica and worst male is Ed. They each have a vote against them at the next rose ceremony. Best female is Blakeley and best male is Michael. The winners each get a rose, go on a date with three people they choose, and give a rose to someone on the date.

Chris is disgusting. I can’t even stand to look at the guy. I hated him on the Bachelorette and I hate him on Bachelor Pad.  He says, “Blakeley won the competition this week, so I guess I’m going to stay partners with Blakeley.” I get that it’s a competition. He just rubs me the wrong way. I easily find him the most repulsive (looks, ego, attitude) guy in the house. Considering Drunken Ed is in the house too… ugh.

Donna goes on and on about her love for Michael, the man she knows only as a character on the Bachelorette and Bachelor Pad. She loves him. In her real life, she can get any guy she wants, but she feels like he has to work for Michael. She’s like, I feel like he doesn’t even know I exist. Note to Donna: A week ago, Michael didn’t know you existed! And, in a few weeks from now, he’ll forget you exist.

Next, we get to see Donna unwrap and eat Michael’s… a banana.

Erica, reeking of entitlement and desperation, is looking for Michael. Erica claims to hate asking Michael for his help but she does anyway. Michael tells Erica he’ll “try” to keep her safe. She takes this to mean he’s going to take her on his date and give her the rose. Why would he? Because she sucks at the challenges and she’s such a positive addition to the house?

Erica and Chris cannot leave soon enough. I’d rather sign up for 24/7 live streaming of the Jersey Shore twins than watch another minute of Chris and Erica. They’re ruining my favorite trashy TV.

Michael won Bachelor Pad last season. This season, he’s there for love, so he’s not thinking strategy. He will not be bringing Erica on his date. I have to wonder, does Michael really need the Bachelor Pad to meet a girl? He’s good looking, funny, and probably one of the most popular Bachelorette rejects ever. What gives?

PHOTOS: Emily & Jef Holm; Chris Harrison Spills on Past Season

Dates

Michael brings Rachel Trueheart, Lindzi Cox, and super fan Donna. Erica is mad. Not only did Michael leave her behind, he chose a super fan over her! Note to Erica: Get your head out of your ass and win a challenge or shut up.

On the date, Donna gushes about actually being on a “Bachelor” date. This is the only part about the super fans that I actually mind. They’re all like, “I’ve watched this ‘strange band serenades us and we dance and kiss and fall in love’ date a thousands times on TV, and I can’t believe I’m actually here” about everything.

Donna and Michael dance together. A new song starts and just as Donna starts backing her behind up to Michael, Rachel cuts in. Then Michael and Rachel suck off each other’s face in front of everyone. Rachel says he’s a phenomenal kisser. They have sparks and that catches her off guard. Rachel and Michael kiss some more. Donna shares her sketch of Michael. (Am I the only one that thinks this is creepy?) Michael gives her a kiss in return, to fulfill a fantasy for her, he says, not necessarily because he’s into her. Nice gesture for Bachelor Pad standards, I guess, but I could have lived without seeing their tongues in each other’s mouth. Michael‘s rose goes to Rachel. Donna’s crushed.

Poor virgin Ryan Hoag. He’s partners with Jamie. Ryan thinks their partnership is the strongest in the house. He wants to bring her home to meet his Mommy. It’s Jamie’s birthday. Ryan makes her a cake and decorates her bed, spelling birthday girl out on her bed with Twizzlers and marshmallows. Jamie isn’t feeling anything for Ryan. She’s all about Chris. (Seriously! Why?) Jamie and Chris kissed last week. This didn’t sit well with bunny boiler Blakeley. Jamie expects Chris to leave Blakeley to partner up with her – and to get married and have kids with, apparently. Ryan crushes Jamie’s hope when he tells her Chris said he’s staying with Blakeley.

Chris and Jamie are hanging out. He begs her for a kiss. They make out again. Apparently, she learns nothing from Ryan‘s revelation. Just a few moments later, Chris and Blakeley are kissing in her bed. Chris thinks he has both girls in his pocket. Small problem – Jamie sees Chris and Blakeley kissing. Jamie cries. She says having to move on is unfair. Jamie cries some more. Man, I love this show! These people just met last week. And, this is still Chris we’re talking about, right?

Blakeley still needs to decide which three guys she’s bringing on her date. She brings up David‘s name to Chris. He gets on his high horse and says it’s bad idea. He says,  David came into HIS house and tried to play HIS game. Chris has been dumped by Emily Maynard for, like, 3 minutes at this point, who the hell is he to make claims on anything. I’m pretty sure when Chris was talking about possibly winning, he named Donna as one would bring on his date. Poor David forgot to get implants before his breakout role on Bachelor Pad.

Blakeley‘s date card arrives. She brings Chris, Ed, and super fan David. Two points for Blakeley – she picks David just to knock down Chris a few pegs. Blakeley and the guys go soap box derby racing. They each have to decorate their cars before they can race. Chris paints his car red. He writes “Bliss” (Blakeley and Chris together) on one side and “250K” on the other side. Because Chris is sure he’s winning the money. He’s going to come back (to where? home? next fame whoring venture?) with 250K in his pocket and say, “Hey, bitches!” Ed makes his car look like a pickle. He writes “In a Pickle” down the side because he lost the challenge. A sober Ed is a clever Ed. David paints a rose on his helmet and his car. Chris calls him desperate. Chris, the man who admits to selling himself out by kissing his way through some crazy women for 250K. Chris also says someone might die if David gets the date rose. Oh, please. We all know Chris is a weakling.

Erica and Sarah Newton are talking about David. Besides the fact that he’s a super fan and doesn’t belong there, he’s a threat. Erica says she’s surprised he’s gotten this far on Bachelor Pad. It’s week 2 and he had the rose last week. Do the math. The fact that she graduated from law school is frightening.

David, Chris, Ed, and Blakeley race their cars. Ed‘s pickle wins. It’s not the last time Ed’s pickle will win this episode. More on that later. Blakeley gives Ed a trophy. David tries to appeal to Blakeley‘s emotional side by comparing his current situation to how she was treated on her season of the Bachelor.  Meanwhile, Chris and Ed are chatting in the pool. Ed asks Chris if he’s into Blakeley. The short answer is no. Chris wants to (maybe) find love but mostly wants the money. Ed says what I think is not being there for “drinks.” I knew that couldn’t be what he said. I rewind it. He says “chicks.” Ed is not on the Bachelor Pad for chicks. He wants the money. Blakeley asks Chris if he’s in it with her. He says yes. Blakeley leads David to believe she’s giving him the rose, but she gives it to Chris.

Party Time

Dates are over, so it’s time to get drunk and hook up on Bachelor Pad. Lindzi says they’re all feeling a little frisky thanks to the hot tub. I think it’s more because of the drinks. Unless, of course, the hot tub is full of tequila.  People are sharing drinks, spit, beds, and diseases all over the place. Women are kissing, Kalon and Lindzi are hanging out in bed, David and one of the twins are making out, and Blakeley has one arm firmly around Chris‘s neck. Ed is wasted again. He’s drinking out of his trophy. Jaclyn likes Ed. She says, “He has personality for dayzz, yo.”

Sarah realizes everyone but her is hooking up. She takes off her bikini top and jumps into the pool after Ed because she doesn’t want to be the only loser. Ed and Sarah make their way back to the bedroom. Ed slurs, he’s driving Sarah home in his pickle. The edit has Ed talking all about his pickle, screaming “yeahhhhh budddddy,” and howling the whole time he and Sarah are under the covers. Once Ed and Sarah resurface, Ed says, “God bless  America.”

The blonde twins start fighting again. Nick Peterson and Tony Pieper find them amusing. The fighting goes on all night long. Their screaming keeps most of the house awake. Erica tells one of the twins to go to bed and deal with it in the morning. Erica also tells the twin she doesn’t have to be so dramatic about whatever they’re fighting about. The sun rises, and the twins are still fighting. Brittany wants to leave. Erica sobs. Jaclyn compares them to a circus freak show. Brittany says, “You’ve never stuck up for me. Ever!” Erica says, “I always stick up for you.” Brittany says, “Not today.”

Today – ever – same thing.

Michael compares the twins to a mosquito buzzing in his ear. Kalon and Lindzi are laughing at them. Kalon gives a thumbs up to the camera.

The way Erica says “Bachelor Pad” is hilarious. Erica goes to say goodbye to David. He’s sleeping. He opens his eye for a brief second, but it’s obvious he’s not hearing her. As Brittany and Erica are walking to their car, Erica is fixing her hair for the 10th time since they started arguing and Brittany is still whining about Erica never sticking up for her. Brittany says she is totally done with Erica. At least until the next reality show lets them be on their show, anyway. The next morning, David is shocked to find out the twins are gone.

Rose Ceremony

Since Brittany and Erica peacefully left the game, Chris Harrison tells the rest of the women they’re safe this week. Erica is relieved. The women will still vote, deciding which guy they want to leave the Bachelor Pad.

Kalon knows David is on borrowed time and doesn’t mind his presence in the game. Kalon (of all people) can appreciate David‘s desire to be there. However, Kalon says he doesn’t trust RyanLindzi convices Blakeley, Rachel, and Jaclyn to vote out Ryan. Reid sees Ed talking to Jaclyn and he doesn’t like it. Reid catches on that their side of the house is voting on Ryan instead of David. Since Ed already has a vote against him, Reid hopes to rally enough votes to take out Ed. He talks to Sarah, Donna, Erica, and Jamie about voting out Ed. Donna and Erica vote against Ed. Despite the fact that Sarah just slept with Ed, she also votes against him. For no good reason, Sarah tells Ed she voted against him. He looks hurt. She breaks down. Good times. The vote comes down to Jamie. She looks like she’s fresh out of 1991. More importantly, she’s Ryan’s partner in the game and Ryan made her a special dinner and cake for her birthday.

Ed gets a rose. So, Jamie voted against Ryan (and Reid sucks at getting people to do what he wants). Ryan goes home. He’s probably the least threatening male in the house.

ARE YOU SURPRISED KALON AND LINDZI ARE SO CLOSE? WHY DO YOU THINK KALON TARGETED RYAN?

Photo credit: ABC

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