Last night on Real Housewives of New Jersey, the ladies (and their omnipresent
hardworking spouses) proved that when push comes to shove and contracts are on the line, they can get along like really, really well. In fact the only people not pasting on their happy faces were Caroline Manzo and husband Albert - who I was surprised to hear speak last night.
Things begin with a wake-up binge drink-a-thon amongst the men. The gang decides they are going surfing despite the freezing cold water and their inebriated state of mind. Everyone except Caroline and Al. They prefer whine to wine. Jacqueline Laurita is also sitting this one out because she feels too fat to wear a wetsuit. Didn’t she have this problem last vacation?
Never willing to spare anyone’s feelings both Teresa Giudice and separated at birth sister-in-law Melissa Gorga both strap on some of their more bodacious, sparkly, and revealing bathing suits. ‘LOOK! I’m not fat!’ they both practically shout. The guys are wiping out left and right when Teresa and Kathy Wakile decide to try out their surfboard skills. Melissa is staying ashore to “keep it sexy,” which apparently equals bedazzled. Very, very bedazzled. Like blindingly so.
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Teresa and Kathy paddle out, flop over, fall down, get up again – both are determined to prove they can surf. Their competitive spirits are working over-time. Teresa manages to stand up for approximately 5 seconds but hurts her foot in the process. While Poison Gorga is giving his sister props for her success, Kathy manages a 5 second standing wobble of her own. Good job girls. Meanwhile, Melissa and Jacqueline are jumping around the beach while Melissa practices her Baywatch slow-mo boob bouncing run. ‘Pay attention to me puh-lease!’
So that was actually fun.
Everyone hops back on the RVs for some apres-surf sexytimes talk and fondling. Melissa is a “fondler” and through her winey stupor she can’t stop pulling up Teresa’s dress and rubbing her butt. The Gorgadice boys can stop pulling out their peens to compare and talk shop about who has seen them. According to Juicy Giudice he only shows his to girls. Errrr… I mean, girls that are his wife. Errr…and girls that he used to date before he met his wife. Yeah, that’s it. Those other girls from the BT era (Before Teresa).
Luckily Teresa is too distracted by her throbbing ankle and ridiculous sequined one-shoulder cocktail dress to pay any attention to Tarzan leaving the jungle or Juicy basically almost slipping about how much viewing time his little juice pop is subjected too. Oh, these fams. This lovey-dovey crap is starting to go a little too far – we are rapidly approaching the porny category.
Everyone is outside having drinks in front of the RVs and despite the 9 degree weather Teresa is still rocking a cocktail dress. She is besequined through her pain. A game of Truth or Dare is launched and Poison is dared to strip down to his skivvies to borrow fruit from the next door neighbors. He could not get those pants off fast enough and from the brief side-shot of Poison I should say there’s nothing to get too worked up about. No wonder Melis wants him to put it away.
Next Albie is given a truth by Lauren Manzo. She asks if he thinks they’ll always be close. Albie says he hopes they’ll all have their own lives. Lauren glared. She’s a little wrapped up in her brothers, isn’t she? Albie is a little over her static cling.
Teresa’s ankle apparently hurts real, real bad and all the girls chip in to help bandage it and make her feel better. Even Jacqueline and Lauren. That was really genuine moment where everyone seemed sincere. <3
It’s nice to see friends and family behaving like, well, friends and family for a change. Even The Caroline kept her comments and sneers in check.
The next day it’s time to drive to the Golden Gate Bridge and Casini Ranch. Juicy mistakenly assumes it’s a casino they’re headed to. He doesn’t have any money to gamble anyway! Since they’ll be on an RV all day and then camping, Teresa like desperately needs to wear hotpants and the ugliest, scariest, most revolting sequined cowboy boots ever made. Unfortunately they don’t fit over her bandaged ankle. That doesn’t stop her from trying to stuff her hurt foot into the boots. It was a blessing in disguise they didn’t work out.
On the Manzorita RV, Caroline’s face has permanently sealed into a pinched scowl which is exacerbated when Jacqueline and Chris reveal they made the RV rock its socks off last night. I mean in the privacy of the little bedroom with plastic walls, of course. “We were sleeping,” Caroline snips. We learn way, way too much about the sex lives of these primates.
In the middle of Jaqueline’s TMI, Albie receives a call from girlfriend, now live-in girlfriend, Lindsay. And she is all moved in! Caroline’s face when she heard Albie’s girlfriend’s voice on the phone. Giving me nightmares! Upon learning that Lindsay was now living there she plastered on her fakest smile and tersely snipped good luck while Al yelled about it being a bad idea. These two really, really cannot let go can they? I guess it doesn’t help that their children haven’t managed to behave like adults yet. Ok, I take that back – Albie can be pretty insightful on the off day.
Albie walkie-talkies Lauren to share the good news about his new roommate and she is furious that he didn’t take her out to lunch for a heart-to-heart, face-to-face sit-down. This is apparently the sibling version of a post-it breakup. ‘Everyone else got told in person. I guess I don’t count. Nobody loves me that’s why I love cheese. Mmmm…cheese,’ Lauren whines. Is there a match.com for friends? Lauren needs to join.
Upon reaching the Golden Gate Bridge no one on the RV where brain cells go to die (aka the Gorgadice RV) can believe it’s red and not entirely made of gold like Teresa’s bathroom. They were probably planning to pillage it but then discovered it’s like a stupid steel reinforced bridge that really is like an actual bridge and not some trinket for their amusement. Culture and history lessons RHONJ style – the Golden Gate Bridge is like red or orange and boring. Who cares!
The next big to-do is the lack of cell phone service while approaching Camp Casini. In order to reach the campsite, located in the woods, one is forced to drive on a paved road that goes through the woods. Imagine that! Since it’s semi-isolated there isn’t cell reception. Everyone is freaking out; staring at the phone, shaking it, pushing buttons, screaming PLEASE WORK! I HAVE TO TWITTER UPDATE! You would have thought someone needed emergency medical attention instead of access to their email.
Being that these
morons garden state suburbanites have never seen a tree in nature, they’re all scared. Then they see some rednecks and that really gets everyone in a blind panic. They start imagining being killed in their sleep among other ridiculous urban legends. And then finally – a mirage! No a it’s real: It’s Camp Casini! Teresa is bouncing up and down in her seat; forgetting that near broken ankle.
They have arrived. The camp ground is empty. Hearing their wailing, shrieking, banshee nonsense all the other campers fled. They realized they’d be safer in the woods than near these monstrous lunatics who may just kill them in their sleep.
When they get there Kathy dispatches Richie to go to the camp store and bring Chris and Juicy along with him. She is craving home cooked goodness. And despite “spending” $15,000 at Camping World (and wearing the obligatory product promo jackets) no one remembered to go to the supermarket pre-trip and now they are all forced to use the canned and processed wares found in the camping store.
The guys return from shopping with a wiffle ball and bat, assorted spices, chicken broth, and one mood ring presented with love to Teresa from Juicy. They shared a touching moment and Terea’s ring turned blue for love. I wonder what color it will be next week when she discovers Joe’s little secret phone convo. My guess is black – or red.
Kathy is outraged by Richie’s shopping ineptitude and sends him outside to play in traffic with his wiffle ball like a bad little boy. They have the strangest marriage. Richie happily obliges because pretending to be an idiot to get out of doing things he doesn’t want to do is his MO.
From the assorted canned green beans and all-spice purchased at the store, the ladies of RHONJ create a veritable gourmet feast. There were veggies and potatoes and meats and sauces and cheeses and fruit for dessert… and where the heck did all this stuff come from? I thought they were food barren? Huh? Teresa tweeted that the editors cut the cook-off between her, Kathy, and Caroline. Bummer – that would have been fun to watch.
While serving Vito RIBS (where did those come from?!) Lauren gets into it with him over a plate. Christopher starts snarking at her about how she wants to be a Wakile and he tells her to go on their RV (#3) because she loves them more. Lauren loses it and throws an absolute fit about how her brother are “viciously” mean to her. ‘I WANT TO BE ON #2!’ she is yelling. I kept thinking they were talking about poop and was very confused.
Her tantrum leads both her parents to reprimand her and agree with Christopher that she is over-sensitive. … that awkward moment where being with your family causes you to regress to adolescence and embarrass yourself. Lauren starts yelling about how no one cares about her, storms off, and locks herself in the RV. Caroline calls her an “asshole” then tells us she’s lost Lauren in the midst of the boys moving out and starting blk.
I think the Manzo spawn are turning into the next version of the Giudices vs. the Gorgas. Sibling Wars, The Sequel.
The next day adult tantrums forgotten, everyone heads to the river for some canoeing. This time it’s Melissa’s turn to over-react. She doesn’t like bugs or water with bugs in it. Caroline and Al don’t like anyone on RHONJ and quickly paddle away from the juvenile people having fun. Caroline hates fun. And Poison hates clothes. Does he own normal shorts or does he think those hotpants underwear are what passes for decent attire?
Poison and Melissa are arguing in their boat and for a second I thought it was Juicy and Tre. Nope, the couple that’s supposed to love each other was yelling “shut up!” Their boat flips over and Melissa shrieks like a banshee for a full 5 minutes as she flounders in the water.
It’s Deliverance 2.0! Oh, wait… no – it’s just Melissa needing a lot of attention. The water was about 3 feet deep but she is clinging to Poison, screaming bloody murder, and freaking out. She leaps into the waiting arms of Juicy. Teresa barely bats an eyelash. ‘Wha… Meliss almost drown? That sucks.’
So that was a scene and luckily no sequined bathing suits were lost during the filming of this made-for-TV meltdown. Also, Poison and Juicy had another penis-based bonding moment as they peed next to each other in the bushes. Awww… friends.
Speaking of friends, back at the campsite over wine coolers and a fire, Teresa and Jacqueline decide to handle dessert which is a code word for chat on camera about their deteriorated relationship.
Both ladies miss each other and value their friendship. Teresa thinks Jacqueline was prying by asking about her legal woes. Jacqueline thinks she was just being a caring friend. The subtext of this argument is that Teresa was pissed Jacqueline asked about them on camera, but that was never broached.
Teresa misses talking to Jacqueline everyday and would have told her if she was going to jail. They discuss whether or not Teresa is fake – she doesn’t think so. Teresa admits she didn’t want Jacqueline to like Melissa, but has since gotten over it. In fact, she’s not mad at all that Jacqueline refused to treat Melissa like shit. Oh, ladies.
In the end Jacqueline starts bawling, Teresa tears up, a paper towel is used as a tissue, and a friendship is reconnected. Wine coolers for all – Teresa and Jacs are besties again. For now… Caroline doesn’t like it one bit.
Next Week: Caroline can’t stand peace and continues to stir up trouble between Teresa and her family.
[Photo Credit: BravoTV.com]
THOUGHTS ON THE EPISODE? DO YOU LIKE EVERYONE GETTING ALONG? IS TERESA FAKE? IS JACQUELINE PRYING BY ASKING ABOUT TERESA’S LIFE?