Last night on Real Housewives of New Jersey there was a lot build up for it to go splat! But there were a lot of nice moments too. All in all, it was a great simmer episode to sandwich between two extreme crazy ones. And I guess next week we'll see just how much Teresa Giudice is to blame for all the stripper rumors. 

Anyway, it's the first day of school and while it would appear that none of the adults have attended that archaic institution for, like, learning, the actual children are all off. Milania is going into kindergarten and Antonia starts first grade. 

Poison Gorga is making pancakes and I think the only ingredientzes is Country Crock margarine because they must have showed us about 60 close-up shots of the tub. I wonder if this means the Gorgas are going to be busting out a cookbook and stepping on Chef Tre's toes? Uh-oh! Oh no, wait that's just Kathy Wakile! Because in the whole world only one person at a time can write a cookbook… 

In the Giudice house Teresa is rushing around waking up all the girls. She gets out their tutus while Juicy makes lunches – he packed red wine, sausages, salami, and some uncooked pasta noodles – oh, and provolone. I love Milania's tutu! Milania is my homegirl and she's off to terrorize some far less wily 5-year-olds.


Meanwhile, Melissa Gorga spent so much time styling Antonia in her fancy maxi dress and videotaping every moment that she missed the bus. Oops. As Melissa runs back home to get the car, Poison is filming her running. I'm very glad we didn't catch him doing a close-up of her butt. You know he did, I'm just glad the editors ditched that footage. 

Once everyone gets off to school, Teresa – IN HER PAJAMA JEANS – plops down at the kiddie table (go figure) to discuss the Napa trip and Kathy with Juicy. Juicy, as to be expected, would rather be talking to his mistress would rather be doing anything that discussing RHONJ and is about ready to pass out from boredom. 

Teresa has to go over to Kathy's to pick up some shoes she left in Napa. Juicy tells Teresa she doesn't speak her mind enough with people. And she should just ignore people because they suck. Then he compares Kathy to one of those stress dolls with eyes that pop out the more you squeeze them. C'mon that's hilarious. Although mean.

Teresa plans on being upfront with Kathy because she always listens to her hubby since he's, like, so smart and knows everything. I'll just let that one speak for itself. Let me remind you she used the words: "smart" and "Juicy" in the same sentence. 

Further proving she's delusional, Teresa insists she and Juicy are happy together despite all the rumors (and footage) claiming otherwise. Teresa is adamant that if Juicy cheated she would pull a Lorena Bobbit, stay with him no matter what and pretend it's not happening, leave him. Why do I not believe her. Oh because she's still married to the philanderer!

Over at the Gorgas they discuss Napa too. Melissa is happy they left with the Giudices and both she and Joe feel Caroline Manzo ruined a fun vacation by starting the fight with Teresa

Anyway, enough about them. Kathy and Richie are ready to send Victoria off to college. Unfortunately for Kathy, Victoria doesn't want to be like the Manzo spawn and live at home for the rest of her life. She wants to go away to college and she is looking at University of Maryland. But that's like 5 hours away from mommy and her never-ending dessert platter. And who will do poor Lil Vic's laundry, and brush her hair, and double-check her math homework, and make her lunch… Richie reminds Kathy that she has to let go. I hope Kathy isn't turning into The Caroline here – we all know how that turned out! Right, Lapband Lauren?

The Wakiles decide they'll at least go on a tour of U of MD to see if Victoria really likes it. Unfortunately during the tour they embarrass her so much she can never show her face on campus again. Then she realizes that dorm rooms aren't the size of penthouse suites and decides that's not really her thing, cause like, it doesn't have a gilded closet made from the tears of angels and the poop of unicorns so she'll have to pass. Where will she put all her sequins… #JerseyPeopleProblems

And now it's time for the post-Napa wrap-up! Melissa has some begging to do. Since she sided with Teresa – spawn of Satan and causer of like any bad stuff forever – she has to make the rounds pleading with Camp Caroline for acceptance. First up she invites Jacqueline Laurita over to her house for a debriefing.

Jacqueline, who wisely took a nap during World War III, doesn't care about any of this nonsense as soon as she spots a plate of banana bread and some wine. 'Nom nom nom – I'll take the biggest piece. Does this denim vest make me look fat? Does it remind you of 1992 – you know when I was stripping young, hot, and sassy?' No, but seriously I think Jacqueline is hilarious – almost as hilarious as that vest!

Melissa and Jacqueline sit down to discuss Teresa. I don't even remember what they talked about – it was just awkward and inauthentic. You know neither one of them wanted to be there and they were forced to get together. The only thing that stood out was when Jacqueline asked if Teresa had been talking about her and Melissa told her not to worry about it. Jacqueline has concerns that Teresa wasn't being sincere when they mended their so-called friendship. Skip to Teresa who is really happy things are back on track between the two. 

Then Teresa heads over to Kathy's with Audriana. Poor Audriana – now stuck at home with Juicy and Tre all day. At least Milania is off torturing some other kids for a change. She's probably fashioned her tutu into a ski mask and is robbing the kindergarten cubbies of all the Little Debbie snacks. Kathy has this huge array of fancy looking food spread out and it is quickly overshadowed by drama. 

Things start off fine, but then someone brings up the trip and the toast and the every single slight that's ever happened since life began. Teresa says she didn't mention Kathy in the toast because she didn't think about it and she didn't want to have to say something to everyone at the table. They go from a casual conversation to bickering immediately. Meanwhile Audriana plays with the oven. Does anyone EVER watch this kid? I mean good lord! 

They stop arguing and Teresa announces, "I want positive people in my life, good food, good sex, good friends, good family. That's what life's all about." Is that why she stays married to Juicy? Fair enough! 

And then over at The Caroline's, Melissa is stepping into the lair of the enemy with a leopard print gift bag. Caroline has some sort of huge board on her wall and she is tacking post-it notes all over it. It looked like battle plans. Was it her 25 steps to destroying Teresa and reclaiming RHONJ as my own plan? Probably. No seriously. It probably was.

Caroline quickly lies, telling Melissa she's actually hosting a SIRIUS radio show and the topic is how to end a friendship and dealing with family feuds or something – being as she has so much experience about that and all. She's also going to talk about parenting. You know, things she's been successful at. Melissa gulps and looks afraid. 'So, no one else is here?,' she asks meekly. 'Nope – it's just the two of us,' Caroline, says smiling slowly. 'Lemme show you the basement…' 

I have to hand it to Melissa. She grabbed the balls Albie lost a couple years ago and she stood up to The Caroline and expressed her dissatisfaction with her behavior in Napa. Melissa point-blank told Caroline that it was immature and pretty damn obnoxious the things she said and the very low-blows she delivered. In fact, Melissa rightly compared it to high school. Good for Mel for telling Caroline the truth. And then she ran fleeing for the door after she peed her pants in fear. Hey girl, sometimes doing the right thing is scary. Maybe she can write a song about it… 

And proving that she practices what she preaches – at least on TV – the next day Melissa shows up at Teresa's because she is babysitting Milania and Gabriella during the Fabellini launch. Why weren't they invited, you ask? Oh – who the eff knows. Maybe because according to Dina Manzo, Bravo shuffled around all the footage and the launch actually happened AFTER the Posche Fashion Show when no one was speaking to Teresa! 

Teresa and Melissa make plans for a playgroup next week and Teresa is super happy she is rebuilding her relationship with Melissa and Joe. The calm before the storm… 

This was such an adorable scene. All the little girls are dressed to the nines – complete with purses and lipgloss. Melissa takes them to get manis and pedis at some kiddie salon – only in Jersey – and then do do a little photo shoot. They were so cute together. And clearly they adore spending time together. Melissa says that since Antonia doesn't have sisters she has her cousins. This family needs to stop with the TV aspirations and put the pettiness aside for their children. Soon, like Gia, they will all be old enough to understand what is going on and then it will be too late for their relationships. What a shame. 

Then it's time for the Manzos to do their Sirius radio show. Caroline brags, "I have absolutely no clue why people are drawn to what I say." She's just Caroline being Caroline. Oh, she's so humble!

Luckily for her, the whole family has tagged along in support. 'Wait,' You ask, 'I thought this was Caroline's show? So why are Albie, Chrissofart, and Lauren there?' Oh, you know because being on RHONJ is apparently their job and they have to go everywhere with their mother like a harem. Maybe they are her bodyguards. Something about this dynamic is so odd to me. And I really like Albie! He seems level-headed, smart, and insightful, but the whole always together thing is a little funny, no?

Anyway, the radio lady thinks they'll be popular. And then no one calls in so Caroline starts rambling cause she's an authority on everything. Then someone finally calls in and they want to talk about Teresa, of course. And Dina

Speaking of Dina, it's the Fabellini launch. Teresa has conveniently not invited anyone – even though they supposedly mended their relationships in Napa – saying she only invited family and close friends. Apparently Jacqueline "hurted" her, so she's not allowed to come to her party. I see Teresa is borrowing vocab words from Milania again! I noticed Number One Fan Kim D wasn't there… 

Jacqueline says it hurts her feelings that she wasn't invited. Did she mean hurted? It hurted me to hear Teresa actually say that on TV. Surprisingly, Dina is coming to the party. After nearly wiping out on the red carpet, she breezes in and looks drunk, nervous, confused, annoyed, and like she'd rather be anywhere but here. Contractual obligation? Or friendship one?

They have an odd and awkward exchange. They sort of stand there in the corner and launch right into talking about people. I'm sure that's not how it actually happened, but Dina looked uncomfortable and something was just odd.

Teresa starts off telling her about Caroline, the cookbook, the drama in Napa and how Caroline doesn't want to be her friend anymore. WAAAH! Teresa says all the juvenile nonsense makes her feel like she's in grammar school again. Again?! I don't believe she's ever been there in the first place! #hurted. Although, true – this show has descended into totally immature obnoxious drama. Wait… it always was. See: The Danielle Chronicles; S1 & 2. 

Dina says doesn't think the so-called cookbook jab is all that bad and if that is really the cause of all the tension, that's ridiculous. Even Melissa says that Teresa apologized and what else can be done? "You didn't do anything to my sister to really hurt her so to me it's kind of silly," Dina says burping through a glass of Fabellini. 

Dina definitely doesn't seem too broken up about feuding with Caroline and Jacqueline

Jacqueline is confused about why Dina is continuing a relationship with Teresa when she doesn't even show up for Christmas with her own fambly. I guess cause blood isn't always thicker than wine – that's why!

And Caroline blames Teresa for the falling out with Dina. She says Teresa is saying things about her to Dina that caused them to stop speaking. I do not believe that, I'm sorry. That's ridiculous. And furthermore – isn't she doing that to Melissa and Kathy?

Teresa and Dina continue to discuss the disintegration of all of her relationships and Dina advises her to let it go if it causes her stress, to accept that there's only so much she can do, and to focus on the positive. Good advice all around. “Holding on to anger makes you ugly. Let it go and stay pretty,” she laughs. I guess living well is the best revenge. 

So that was a bust. And next week the drama begins anew with the Posche Fashion Show and tons and tons of mayhem. Oh dear. 

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