Last night on the Real Housewives of Miami somebody threw a big ol' temper tantrum and acted like a drunk sorority girl on too many jello shots. I'm looking at you, Joanna Krupa

Things got crazy last night, yes they did. Somebody likes her drinky a little too much – and doesn't like her fiancé enough. So – before all that blown out of proportion melt-down that I thought was going to be like uber crazy, but wasn't really, happened – everyone talked about how much the like their maids, how much they don't like each other, and about how Lea Black's friend is blaming Marysol Patton for ruining her life. 

Things begin with Joanna and fiancé Romain 'just waking up' and Joanna is sporting a full face of make-up, plus false eyelashes and some revealing lingerie. Yeah, I totally look like that when I wake up too. Sadly, Romain is more interested in his blackberry than sexytimes in front of the cameras. What no sex tape aspirations?

Feeling defeated, Joanna heads into the bathroom to yell at her sister Marta who reveals she's moving in with Fembot Fakenstein for a while because Romain hates her and she hates him too. I just can't get that worked up about anything before coffee, but clearly I don't have the Krupa temper – or penchant for over-reacting! 


Next up, Karent Sierra is blissing out in her delusional fantasy world that she's soon-to-be Mrs. Rodolpho. The possible couple is skyping and he is telling her everything she wants to hear in regards to his denial of texting Ana Quincoces on the sly for months. Karent blindly believes him – saying she doesn't need to look at Ana's phone to see the texts or Facebook posts. And Rodolpho conveniently doesn't want to discuss any such alleged misdeeds. That girl rocks denial like she's Teresa Giudice

Curiously during the skype-sesh we only see Rodolpho's head and shoulders which leads me to believe he has another woman under the desk and he's texting a different one at the same time all while promising Karent he'd never, ever, ever cheat! I mean what famous soap star would do such a thing?! Aaahhhh… like sand through the hourglass, these are the delusional days of our lives. Speaking of which this entire situation is not unlike a soap opera storyline. 

Then we check in with Adriana de Moura who is touring the gallery she co-owns with her business partner. They are planning some big event, which I bet Marysol will coordinate, leading to some cast-wide drama and it will all be ridiculous. As of right now, Adriana is only marginally stressed about things. Who else thinks we're going to get a cross-promoting Gallery Girls cameo out of this?

Next we head over to Fembot's house, which is built by boobs. No, really. All the walls are made from old silicone implants and they also make up the pool liner. Fembot is doing her job – which means laying out and showing off Dr. Fakenstein's money. Helping her with the arduous employment responsibilities is, Daysy – the ever-loving maid who apparently started working there for the free plastic surgery perks. Lisa is helping Daysy lose weight so she can get some cosmetic procedures done and be the hottest looking preacher in the land! 

Daysy brings Lisa a drink, while she stares up at the sky and reflects upon how lucky she is to have married well. Damn, I want Lisa's life; her boobs – not so much! Then Joanna calls and it's a Housewives rite of passage – the speakerphone invite! woot, woot! You know what a speakerphone invite signifies… D-to-the-rama is on the horizon and it's approaching like a tsunami ready to engulf every little boob job recipient in its path. The botox and the silicone won't keep you afloat girlies. 

Anyway, what praytell is the occasion? The ten-year anniversary of Mynt Nightclub, which is owned by Romain. In addition to that, Romain is finally going to become a US Citizen. Lisa is excited for Joanna and offers to throw a pre-Mynt sushi bash at her house. Sounds great – I'll be there. 

Then Lisa goes back to work by applying her lipstick. 

Next we head over to Lea's where she is apparently not just the mother to RJ but also to her fifty-something housekeeper. Lea is also apparently a hairdresser qualified to apply bo-bos to adult women's hair. Um… who else believes this scene is complete BS? Lea describes her housekeeper as her best friend, her kids and dogs love her, and she is part of the family; in fact she does everything for them, except you know, actually work! Yeah, about that laundry – she's got some soap operas to watch. Lea: Please stop jacking Zoila's storyline. Jeffrey Lewis, you are not!

I want to work for Lea – I'm really lazy too, I suck at housework, my laundry piles up into Mt. Everest, and I seriously cannot style my own hair for anything. Consider this my resume. I too will pretend I can't swim. 

Marysol, who unbeknownst to me owns the largest and most successful PR firm in the country, is the subject of a new Day In The Life… story for Ocean Drive Magazine. So… this magazine is apparently getting a lot of cutbacks from Bravo since it's been in like three episodes so far? Or it's the only magazine in Miami… 

Things to notice about Marysol: 1) I need to raid her closet since I seem to be obsessed with everything she wears. If you ever have a yardsale, I will so fly to Miami; 2) Her fillers are settling down considerably and it's nice to see her face move; 3) she is way too low-key and mature for this show. 

Anyway, she's sort of a big deal in the PR world and will be doing a lot of work for some enormous hotel chain or something. 


Moving on, it's the Annual Black Gala and Lea is hosting a fundraising committee meeting. Lisa is miffed because Joanna was invited personally by Lea, but Fembot merely received her invite via Lea's assistant. At least her maid didn't contact Lisa's. Nonetheless, Lisa aspires to be like Lea someday and decides to be the bigger person so she goes and is polite. Lis –  that's not gonna cut it if you want to remain on this show. You need to go, complain loudly about how much you hate Lea, the food, the furniture, the gala – whatever. Cause a big scene and then get thrown out. #TipsForSeason3

Someone obviously knows how to play the game and a scene was caused. Apparently Lea's other best friend, besides her housekeeper, is Elaine Lancaster, a famous Miami drag queen – who is pretty much a Lea lookalike. Lea explains that the PR group who does the Emmy's and the Oscars will be handling things this year.

Someone brings up why Marysol isn't present and Ms. Lancaster, highly incensed, mentions that Marysol "denied her red carpet" at last year's event. GASP ** Slap. In. The. Mother. Effing. Botoxed. Face. Slap you so hard your falsies fall off – that bitch! To deny a woman red carpet is akin to stringing her underwear on a flagpole and announcing it's a size LARGE! 

Anyway, Lea isn't having it with Marysol over that and Elaine promises she will make a scene over this. Sadly, it's a little awkward because Lea and Marysol were once close friends and it sucks that Elaine has apparently made things unsavory between the two. Marysol tells a different story of what happened of course, and denies that Elaine was ever told NO RED CARPET FOR YOU at one of Lea's events. 

Anyhoodle, now it's awkie and now Lea and Marysol are both pissed. BTW: someone pointed out that Elaine is pretty much Lea's alter ego and they look identical. Yeah, they do and I sort of need a drag queen alter ego too, so let's make that happen here people!

It's the day of Mynt's ten year anniversary – and it's also time for Romain to get his citizenship papers. Joanna goes with him and they discuss what it means to be an American. Joanna's parents came from Poland when she was five and worked their butts off to achieve the American dream. And Romain came from France with $1000 in his pocket and worked his way through the club scene until he became an owner. Being American also apparently means owning a Ferrari. What – Not a Ford!? 

Romain is super-excited to achieve his citizenship and announces, "Now I can speed cause I won't get deported." And speed he does until Joanna's head blows off and is seen bobbing down the highway. Well, congrats Romain – I wish you all the speeding tickets and fines your heart desires. Our economy is in the crap and we could use the tax revenue. Speed on. 

At Ana's she is getting ready to go to Lisa's and then Mynt, but she really wants to stay home since she just had a fight with her boyfriend over why she's not divorced 10 years later. Then her ex-hubby shows up, starts drinking her beer, and discussing butt sex with their teenaged daughter. Poor Ana – all she wants is some Preparation H which doesn't have ass in it but works for both the ass and the eyes. So – what is the deal: Are Ana and Robert still in love and majorly stalling the divorce? Or why is it taking so long if they both have moved on and want to get divorce? Weird. 

Joanna and Marta head over to Lisa's, where she has imported all of Nobu into her kitchen and I had to rewind this scene cause I was too busy looking at food. Mmmm… sushi. 

Anyway, I love this scene. You can tell these three are really friends and all the gossiping, bickering, and giggling seem real. Then Joanna and Marta get into some sort of crazy loud screaming fit for about five minutes about not causing drama at Mynt. Lisa is like, 'Oookaaaay… Daysy, hit these two up with the xanax.'

Apparently the DJ at Mynt was Marta's first love and he broke her heart by cheating on her and is now dating the cheatee. And he still works there which is one of the reasons Marta and Romain don't get along. 

Then Dr. Fakenstein comes in and says he hopes their child doesn't look like him and have Fembot's brain cause that would be an epic fail. He's sort of a Doogie Houser genius of sorts. You know, I make fun of these two, but I like them a lot and I think Lisa is fun and silly.  I get a good vibe from her. 

Adriana, Ana, and Karent arrive at Lisa's and Adriana is already all about the drama. Everyone is hanging out in the kitchen while Daysy the AA Housekeeper-turned-preacher plays mixologist. WWHL Bartender here she comes! And then suddenly Adriana starts talking about how Mama Elsa looks good for her age. Ummm… for a pumpkin? Joanna and Fembot who are not about the fakeness, are like what?! Have you seen that lady's face? If that is looking good to you than you need to get your eyes checked. 

Adriana is all bristled by their comments and you can tell it will come back to haunt poor Fembot and Joanna. They haven't learned honesty is NOT the best policy on Housewives – instead you lie to the face and disgrace to the back. I have to hand it to them though; FINALLY someone has addressed the white elephant in the room. Mama Elsa's face has been deformed by fillers and we all feel bad for her, but it's not normal looking. 

Everyone agrees it is the doctors fault and they feel bad, but Adriana gets all defensive and it's a little awkie. Fembot breaks the uncomfortables by raising her arms dictatress style and announcing: "This house was built by boobs!" No really it was. Check out the foundation. 

Luckily it's time to go to Mynt, where the octogenarian Elsa is staying home. Inside everyone is so bedazzled and besparkled, and beglittered it really is like New Year's Eve. 

The over-forty crowd is representing and Lea arrives with Elaine. It's clear Lea hasn't been out past 10pm in a decade. She can't even figure out where the door is, let alone how to navigate the red carpet. Can't blame an old girl for trying. Lea rocks her glasses on the dance floor and it was 100% my favorite scene of the night. I secretly love Lea. You know she went home and laughed about what a dork she was with her husband. 

Since everyone is getting sauced up, the drama starts to flow. Joanna, who never met a bottle of vodka she didn't French kiss, is already getting warnings from Romain about checking herself before she wrecks herself, which apparently falls on deaf ears as she tips back cocktail after cocktail. 

She turns her beer goggling glare onto Marysol and asks her about the Black Gala. Marysol announces she isn't doing it because it's "too disorganized." Then Joanna wants to know about Elaine. So Marysol and Elaine start bickering about the red carpet nonsense. Marysol insists Elaine is confusing this event with another one and it's in the past. They keep it pretty graceful and don't resort to any desperate attention whoring drama, but who knows what to believe. Lea claims she will come correct and let Marysol know the truth, but I think it's one of those situations where no one really knows what happened and everyone has their own truth. 

Seeing as her first drama attempt didn't pan out, Joanna turns her crazy-seeking laser eyes to the DJ Booth where Marta's ex is working hard. Meanwhile, Romain is getting boobs shoved up his nose by a very desperate Adriana. To Romain's credit he looked like he wanted to disappear into the floor rather than be cougared by two forty-something women. 

Maybe Lisa has a point about cougars not belonging in the club… 

Karent asks Romain when he's going to marry Joanna and starts rudely intruding into their personal life. And then Adriana starts wondering if he likes brunettes. Romain assures her he's all about the blondes. Adrianna, literally rubbing her boobs on him starts purring about how he should really try the chocolate as the vanilla is oh-so-boring. Um… seriously – and where is your fiancé? #embarrassing. 

And then Joanna comes flailing over screeching some unintelligible sound like a cat wailing in an alley about how she can't "effing stand him." I thought she had caught onto Adriana's grossness, but apparently she was talking about Marta's ex. She starts wailing like a banshee about how he still works there after breaking Marta's heart and Romain demands she get it together before storming off. 

Then Marta starts screaming at Joanna and it was all sorts of crazy. Oh good lord – is this Jerry Springer with Joanna and Marta or Housewives? Fembot thinks these two need a serious time out and I agree! Please get them in their separate corners before someone starts throwing chairs and making accusations about sleeping with their mother's boyfriend.  

Romain is furious and tells Joanna she ruined his night and storms off. And that is that. Joanna is a hot mess and all that glitters is not gold. 

Adriana explains that blondes may look pretty in the morning, but they sure are a mess at night. Girl… look in the mirror with your boobs aplenty up an engaged man's nose. 

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