Bachelor fans, are you ready for the most amazing journey featuring one (hopefully shirtless) Sean Lowe and 26 (hopefully tipsy) Bachelorettes? As always, each lady is desperate to find love and most definitely there for the right reasons.
Chris Harrison is on hand, as well, to keep every single most dramatic rose ceremony running smoothly. Not on hand? Emily Maynard. She broke Sean's heart on the Bachelorette and, for the sake of my sanity, needs to stay far away from this season.
Sean has fully recovered from his heartbreak and is ready to try again on the Bachelor. Clearly, he's a fool. He says the idea of possibly meeting his future wife during this journey (drink up, my friends) is kind of exciting and kind of intimidating.
Sean adds, "I want the end result. I want to protect my woman. I want to love my woman. I want to honor her. I want to love her with everything I have, and I want to be the best possible man I can be for her. I want to be rich in love."
Because ABC doesn't completely hate me, Arie Luyendyk, Jr. stops by Sean's pad to help him prepare for what is to come. Mr. Holy Hotness schools Sean on how to properly kiss a woman: Eye contact. Use your hands. Touch her hair. Touch her face. Tease her with your tongue. No lizard tongue. Use your whole body. #coldshower
Curse you, Arie, for not signing up for this train wreck of a show solely for my entertainment.
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Sneak Peek Bachelorettes
Desiree is a bridal stylist. Always the stylist, never the bride, so sad. Tierra freaks out when she learns family-oriented Sean will be the Bachelor. She immediately changes her iPhone wallpaper; it's a little creepy. Robyn likes sticky notes and does back flips for no reason. Diana owns a hair salon and has two children. She wants "mad, deep, passionate" love… sorry, Diana, but Arie just went home. Sarah is an advertising executive who lost an arm in utero.
Ashley says she has no idea why she's single. Next, she sits in her bed, fanning herself over 50 Shades of Grey, and flirts with fictional characters. Yeah. Her single status is a complete mystery. She says, "I totally hope Sean rips my clothes off and spanks me." Lesley doesn't like nerds or politicians. Sadly, she lives in D.C., where all men are apparently nerds or politicians. Kristy is a model and just knows the other bachelorettes are going to be jealous of her. Ugh. Please don't let her be Courtney 2.0. AshLee is a professional organizer… too bad she isn't able to organize the mess that is
the spelling of her name her love life.
Sean Meets The Bachelorettes
Sean wisely says a prayer before the
nutjobs bachelorettes arrive.
OCD AshLee arrives first. Her intro is uneventful. Cosmetics consultant Jackie plants a big lipstick kiss on Sean's cheek. Sexy Selma is next and just happens to have a tissue between her boobs to erase Jackie's mark. #teamwork Leslie is hyper and refers to Sean as "Mr. McSteamy." Daniella casts commercials for a living and teaches handshakes for fun. Kelly is a cruise ship entertaining oompa loompa… she sings a song… she can leave anytime. Katie is a "no shoes, curly hair" yoga instructor.
Fifty Shades of Crazy pulls a tie out of her dress, telling Sean that he can use it on her later, and he pretends to be amused. Sean is way too vanilla for this chick. Taryn doesn't watch Bachelorette so she doesn't have any clue who Sean is. Catherine giggles a lot and tells Sean he's a hunk. Robyn attempts to back flip her way to Sean but falls on her head. Lacey gives Sean a heart of lace because her name is LACEy. Bachelor Pad Superfan Paige is next… and, OMG, she operates a jumbotron for a living? That tidbit of information is ten times more interesting than anything she did on Bachelor Pad.
Tierra, who is still squealing over Sean, is next. After a brief talk about hearts, Sean leaves Tierra on the patio, finds the Rose Master, and asks for a rose. Well, this is different. Sean offers the rose to Tierra. #rulebreaker Ha, Sean really is a fool, as he hopes this move "doesn't create any tension between the girls." Catherine says, "Tierra walks in with a rose and it was literally like an animal attack on the eyeballs."
Amanda and Sean share an awkward pause – on purpose – to get it out of the way. It's dumb. Sean, let's just get her out of the way now, okay? Keriann tells Sean she drove 2,775 miles to meet him… because she didn't know that ABC would fly her for free? Desiree is super cute and her gimmick – pennies to wish on and throw into the fountain – isn't too lame. Sarah is sweet and seems like she has a great sense of humor. Brooke, a community organizer, tries too hard. Instant dislike on my part. Single Mom Diana asks Sean to ditch the party and run way with her. He says no. Well, that certainly would have been the most dramatic thing ever!
Desperate in D.C. Lesley asks Sean to play football with her… but it's really just a ploy to get him to bend over in her face… smart girl. Model Kristy calls herself "the best from the Midwest." Southern belle Ashley jokes that she's the Barbie to Sean's Ken. Lauren says her dad will break Sean's legs if he breaks her heart. And… the next bachelorette out of the limo wears a wedding gown and veil, says now you may kiss the bride, and kisses Sean on the mouth. The whackadoo's name is Lindsay.
The madness really begins when Wishing Well Desiree gets an unexpected rose from Sean. The drunks lose their marbles. How many roses are there? Where's the wine? Who has a rose? What's going on? More wine? Catherine gives Desiree a little side-eye action and shares, "We were all jealous, then we had to put our lady faces back on and be nice. We were all mean mugging, for sure." While the majority of the ladies sit around pondering how there could possibly be two "first" impression roses, AshLee walks in with yet another rose. She naively says, "Isn't this cool?!" Heads instantly explode. Superfan Paige is pissed off, as she knows that this isn't proper Bachelor protocol. The women beg for an explanation from AshLee and she is all like, oooh, nice pillows. Sarah says the extra roses have heightened everyone's insecurities. She sounds way too intelligent to be on this show.
The holders of the roses – Tierra, AshLee, Desiree – sit down for an honest chat. AshLee disses Tierra's rose, saying, "You're stunning, but it's definitely not the first impression rose. It's just the first rose." Tierra is like, Bitch, please, I got this rose after one sentence. Sexy Selma, Back Flips Robyn, and Lipstick Jackie each get a rose. Ashley H did not get a rose and whines about how hard the Bachelor is.
Wedding Ready "I wish I were sober" Lindsay asks Sean to dance. She stumbles and slurs and begs for Sean to make out with her. Sarah shows her vulnerable side, explaining, "Sometimes I feel like I don't deserves what everyone else gets. I think having one arm intimidates a lot of young guys. I assume they feel like it's just easier to date a girl with two arms." Sarah thinks the only reason she's still single is because she only has one arm. Sarah finally finds her way to Sean… and gets a rose.
Taryn is the first bachelorette to cry about the process, saying, "I don't fight over a guy. This is tiring. Just this one day is work. I need a Kleenex." 50 Shades of Crazy Ashley booty dances her way to Sean. She pulls out the tie, waves it in Sean's face, and he threatens to blow his rape whistle. Sean calls Ashley 50 Shades of Drunk.
Going into the rose ceremony, First Rose Tierra, Wishing Well Desiree, OCD AshLee, Sexy Selma, Back Flips Robyn, Tries Too Hard Brooke, Lipstick Jackie, Kurly Katie, Sweet Sarah, Single Mom Diana, Mean Mugging Catherine, and Leslie all have
targets on their backs roses.
Sean has seven more roses to hand hand out and they go to Awkward Pause Amanda, Desperate in D.C. Lesley, Ben Reject Kacie, Model Kristy, Handshake Daniella, Tears Taryn, and Wedding Ready Lindsay.
Going home are Cruise Ship Kelly, 2,775 Miles Keriann, Superfan Paige, Bust Your Legs Lauren, Southern Belle Ashley, Lace-Lacey-Lace Lacey, and 50 Shades of Crazy. So, Paige goes home without a rose. Again. Girl, just stop it. Kelly and Ashley cry. 50 Shades of Crazy acts like a lunatic and says going home is "a bit of a bumski."
TELL US – DID YOU WATCH THE PREMIERE? WHICH BACHELORETTE CAUGHT YOUR EYE?
Photo credit: ABC