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Oh, Bachelor Pad, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways… right after I grab a loofah and scrub off the germs. I swear, just watching this show puts us all at risk of venereal diseases. Bachelor Pad 3 is summer TV at its finest, isn’t it?

As Chris Harrison welcomes us, I realize this puts me at five hours of Chris Harrison for the week. What has my life come to? Perhaps I can find some old reruns of Designer’s Challenge on HGTV just for fun. Thankfully, Chris shifts his focus from true love forever to smutty and disgusting seamlessly, so no time is wasted. Let the train wreck begin!

First, ABC reminds us who some of these Bachelor and Bachelorette losers are.

First, Emily Maynard‘s final four castaway, Chris Bukowski. Chris sits on his leather couch, wearing a jacket and shoes, reflecting on his heartbreak. Are we supposed to believe this is the exact minute Emily kicked him away? Chris “knows” going on the Bachelor Pad will help him move on from Emily. He mentions falling in love, also. He’s funny. Chris is looking forward to meeting Lindzi Cox.

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Lindzi lost Ben Flajnik to Courtney Robertson. Lindzi loves horses and heavily applied makeup.

Reid Rosenthal embarrassed himself on national TV, begging Jillian Harris to love him forever. So sad for Reid, Jillian’s heart belonged to Ed Swiderski. That turned out well.

Oh, look! It’s Ed. Well, this is going to be fun. One small problem got in the way of Ed and Jillian’s happily ever after. Ed forgot to stop sleeping with other women. (So sorry, Jillian.) On the Bachelor Pad, Ed’s looking for love $250,000, and he’s not ashamed to admit it.

Blakeley Shea got dumped by Ben Flajnik. Since Ben’s season, Blakeley ditched pole dancing in favor waxing eyebrows and a**holes. She boils bunnies in her spare time. Blakeley is hoping her BFF Jaclyn will also be at the Pad.

Jaclyn Swartz, indeed. Only problem – she actually hates Blakeley.

Kalon McMahon. That’s all.

For the first time ever on Bachelor Pad, six hand-selected super fans of the Bachelor franchise will join the fun.

Paige is bubbly and thinks Chris Bukowski is the best thing that could walk into the Pad. Seriously, of all 52 seasons of the show, Chris tops her list?

Chris is a SWAT officer by day. At night, he puts on his jammies, lights some candles, pours a glass of wine, and watches the Bachelorette. Emily and Arie kiss on his TV and he gets super creepy. He’s hoping to find true love on the Bachelor Pad.

Donna says she is made for the Bachelor Pad. She has a smokin’ hot body and she plans to flaunt it. The only person that could ruin her plan is Michael Stagliano.

David likes Lindzi and Blakeley.

Brittany and Erica. Ugh. Twins sisters who say they’re 22. They look (and act) closer to 14. Bachelor super fans aside, their claim to fame is whoring up the Jersey Shore. Although Erica claims to be a virgin, Brittany is… not. Brittany plans on taking one for the team, if the need arises.

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Chris and Lindzi are the first two at the mansion. Smooth moves Ed comes in next. Gotta love the music ABC plays when he gets out of the limo. Nick Peterson, the personal trainer from Ashley Hebert’s season, is next. Rachel Trueheart, another Ben reject, immediately catches Ed’s eye. Apparently, he likes blondes. (Sorry again, Jillian.) Sarah Newlon walks in – nobody knows who she is. Including me. She says she was on Brad Womack‘s first season. Ryan Hoag, DeAnna Pappass’s virgin, walks in. Four years later, he’s still a virgin.

Reid comes in. Ed, who is already half baked, gives Reid a big hug. Then Ed gives everyone a hilarious rundown on how Reid tried to steal his girl. Jaclyn starts bashing Blakeley the second she walks through the door. Tony Pieper arrives. So far, he’s not crying. Ah, here comes Blakeley. Jaclyn and Rachel are still trash talking her. Blakeley has no idea about a few things. First, these girls hate her! Second, the dress she’s wearing is hideous.

Jamie Otis, yet another Ben reject!, comes in. What’s with all the women from Ben’s season?

Michael Stagliano is back. Erica Rose is also back. She’s afraid to see Kalon, as she recently sold him out to the tabloids. Kalon is the last one to arrive, of course.

Erica approaches Kalon in the kitchen. She asks him to not attack her appearance anymore, as it’s “something she worked really hard on.” I think she means Daddy dearest worked really hard on it. Anyway, I’m way more interested in the massive amount of alcohol sitting on the kitchen counter.  Goodness gracious!  And that’s just Ed’s ration!

The “stars” are annoyed about the addition of “fans.”

Donna is the first victim. She goes directly to MichaelSWAT Chris acts Harrison Chris to pose for a picture with him. Paige and Doug come in next. SWAT Chris is still taking pictures. Yeah, that’s going to get old. The twins come in last. They’re going to get annoying real quick. Actually, too late, already there.

Now that everyone has arrived, it’s time to drink and mingle. For Ed this means stripping on the patio. He jumps into the pool wearing only his tighty whities and black and white stripped socks. It’s nice to see that Ed has matured. Michael says Ed is so drunk he has no idea where he is. Ed’s next stop is Celebrity Rehab.

Chris Harrison gathers everyone in the living room. He explains how the game works, how the twins work, and instructs them to partner up, as they’re playing the game in pairs. Ed stumbles his way back to the pool as soon as he hears there’s no competition right that second.

Reid asks super fan Paige to be his partner. Erica picks Nick, because she can’t fathom the idea of working with “the help” (super fans). Blakeley says all the girls want Chris as a partner. What exactly is in that booze? She says he’s cute… athletic… strong… obviously they haven’t seen his sad attempt at Croatian Hunger Games on the Bachelorette. Blakeley marks her claim on Chris instantly, threatening to donkey punch him in the throat, if he lets her down.

Jaclyn gets Ed, who is passed out in the hot tub. She walks up, he slurs, “take that sh*t off” in reference to her dress. Then he yells at someone about needing “more heats” in the hot tub. Jaclyn tells him they’re partners, he gives her a “yeah buddy!” hand shake. He is wasted.

It’s the next morning and Ed is hungover. It’s also challenge day.

The challenge is called “Falling for Love.” Each couple has to sit inside a heart-shaped box and stay inside as long as they can, even as the boxes tilt forward. The first couple to fall out gets one vote against them at the first elimination. The couple that stays in the longest is safe for the week.

Chris is shaking within seconds. Nick and Erica, however, are the first couple out. Chris and Blakeley fall out second. The final two couples are Reid and Paige and David and Brittany.

Reid and Paige fall. Three super fans, David, Brittany, and Erica, win the first competition. The twins are safe for the week, annoying everyone in the house.  As the winners, David and the twins go on a fantasy date. The talk about similar carnival Bachelor and Bachelorette dates ad nauseam.  Then, David and Brittany go skinny dipping in the ocean.

Back at the STD-infested mansion, Blakeley brings the crazy. Jamie asks Chris to hang out with her. She asks him a question or two, then they make out. Jaclyn tells Blakeley that Jamie is moving in on Chris. Blakeley interrupts them and threatens Jamie. Blakeley cries to the camera, because the guy she’s known for 18 hours disrespected her.

Erica mingles with “the help.” David flat out tells her he’s voting her out. The super fans need to stick together and Erica and Nick have a vote against them already. SWAT scrambles to clean up David’s mess. Erica fake cries and campaigns to stay. Erica tells David he’s an “ugly loser.”

Michael’s ongoing commentary of the game is hilarious. If he doesn’t become a professional Bachelor Pad contestant, he needs to return every summer just to narrate the show.

It’s time to vote. It’s completely a stars versus fans game. SWAT is freaking out because he’s the only male fan eligible for elimination. He’s a goner, and he knows it. Reid and Paige are getting along well. She’s worried about her status in the game, but Reid tells her she is safe. It’s all very sweet, then Michael bring down Reid’s party by telling him the guys are voting for Paige to leave. It’s between Erica or super fans Paige and Donna, and, let’s face it, Donna has a bigger rack. Reid tries to rally votes to save Paige. Reid and Paige go over the votes, realizing they forgot SWAT. Poor SWAT is forgotten before he’s even gone. SWAT decides to vote against Paige instead of Erica, to keep Erica in the game to go after David.

SWAT and Paige are eliminated from Bachelor Pad.

BACHELOR PAD – LOVE IT OR HATE IT? WHO ARE YOU ROOTING FOR?

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