Happy Memorial Day! Due to the holiday, I'm going to keep this recap of the Married to Medicine reunion short and sweet. Well, err, not that sweet. So, if you're a fan of Mariah Huq, you might want to stop reading now.
Andy Cohen welcomes Kari Wells, Toya Bush-Harris, Dr. Simone Whitmore, Dr. Jackie Walters, Quad Webb-Lunceford, and Mariah to the stage. Then, in order to annoy viewers as soon as possible, he asks Mariah, the show's queen bee, creator, and executive producer, to introduce the cast.
The "fierce, fabulous, and fun-loving" Quad is Mariah's best friend. She's basically the queen bee in training and some call her Mariah's puppet. Mariah refers to Dr. Jackie as Dr. Gandhi, adding that she's always prim, proper, and lady-like. Dr. Simone's less than glowing review goes something like, she's always in your face with a vodka in her hand. How insulting. This is going to be a very long hour.
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Mariah introduces Toya as a stay-at-home mom, pausing for Quad's giggles, and adds, "You're sure to see some shade when she's around. She's a shady tree." Funny. Yes, Toya throws her fair share of shade, but Mariah and Quad are far worse. If Toya is a shady tree, Mariah and Quad are a shady forest. Finally, Mariah refers to Kari as the cougar of the group, and Kari points out that Duncan is nearly 10 years her senior. Mariah digs, "10 years younger," adding, "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know." Whatever. She knew. Quad continues to giggle. SHADY. FOREST.
Where's my channel changer?
Focus #1 – The Unspoken Hierarchy
Mariah says, going into the season, she thought the cast would vibe well and have a lot of fun. Now, Mariah has two issues, though she only admits to one. First, Kari and Toya failed to bow down and kiss her feet, and second, the doctors, Simone and Jackie, placed themselves "higher" than the wives of doctors.
Quad often says, "Don't cut off the hand that feeds you," and I have to roll my eyes. Yasss honey … check your email … Kari and Toya would totally be broke and hungry if Mariah hadn't managed to get Married to Medicine on TV … never mind their own degrees/careers and the fact that their husbands are successful doctors. Ladies, for the love of the food on your table, kiss Mariah's feet!
Andy asks Jackie and Simone if they agree with Mariah; they both say no. In response, Mariah makes faces and groans, adding that all of the women (with the exception of her bestie of course) ignored her accomplishments.
When Mariah introduced the cast, she spitefully failed to celebrate the fact that Simone and Jackie are MEDICAL DOCTORS. But let us never forget that Mariah created a reality TV show. Also, Toya points out, "You introduced me as a housewife. You should give me the same respect that you demand." Mariah is too full of herself to acknowledge Toya's very valid point. "I brought all of these ladies together," bemoans Mariah. "I run several businesses. I have earned my stripes. None of these ladies have given me the respect that I deserve."
Jackie fittingly tells Mariah that her inferiority complex is self-induced. So true. Married to Medicine certainly had a lot of potential; however, Mariah's ego got in the way and ruined the show. Unless she "gives you life" I guess. The only thing she gives me is a headache.
Focus #2 – Kari's Loose Lips
Kari loves to talk, darling, and Mariah cannot stand to be called darling. Good times! Of course, Mariah and Quad can call people names, including Shady Boots, but don't dare call them darling. #hypocrites
Anyway, Kari understands that she comes across as snobby and judgmental, but she insists she's really not. Kari explains that she often cracks jokes to lighten the mood, and she feels as if her humor is misunderstood. End of explanation. Only, not. Unfortunately. Kari goes on to say that one must possess a certain level of intelligence to understand her humor. Mariah and Quad do not think Kari is funny. Fill in the blank. Kari should have stopped while she was ahead. Still, I get her and think she's hilarious, and now I feel intelligent. (kidding!)
Did I mention that Kari loves to talk? Where's a commercial break when you need one? Kari goes on and on about making conscious decisions to live her life a certain way. She knows that she's not perfect, but she tries to be a "pure lady" nonetheless. With no commercial break in sight, Andy asks Kari to explain "pure lady" to the class. A pure lady does not swear, fight in public, pull hair, etc. Simone jokes, WHAT?! Kari swears all the time! Toya says that she appreciates Kari for who she is; Mariah raises a brow and shakes her head. Quad adds, shady boots!, and holds up a sign that reads FRAUD! Did she seriously bring those signs? OK Kenya, you can put away your reunion props now.
This brings us to she said/she said and party disinvites. First, Quad lost her cool at Mariah's birthday party, so Kari uninvited her from the next party. At the time, Kari said that Quad needs to start acting like a doctor's wife and not a low class whore. That said, Quads takes issue with a "claws" comment because it implies that she behaves like an animal, which is "inappropriate." Kari points out, Toya said that, not me.
Next, Mariah asks Kari to think about the things she said about Quad's marriage, and Kari again points out that she means Toya. Kari yells, "Do not group me in with Toya!," to which Mariah says, "Calm down!" Mariah needs to take a seat. She's the first one to cry "condescending" but constantly acts all high and mighty. To Kari, Quad says, "Just say that you had an agenda to tear me down. Live your truth." When Kari denies it, Mariah and Quad poke fun, calling her "Snow White" and saying things like "purest of them all" and "where the seven dwarfs at?" The immature mean girls go on, (giggles) "She got it, she got it!" (giggles).
Focus #3 - Quad's Skeletons and Immaturity
Andy asks Quad about her arrest, she simply says it was an argument that got out of hand. Fair enough. Kari says that knew about the arrest because Mariah told her. Quad doesn't believe Kari. Mariah refuses to
risk being caught in a lie talk about it. Kari maintains that Mariah is the blabber mouth. Mariah interrupts, crying about everything being unfairly projected onto her … woe is me, the queen bee … nobody cares. Quad thinks Kari and Toya looked "messy as hell, childish, and immature" when they researched her arrest at the end of the season. Quad also points out that her arrest had already "been discussed" earlier in the season but leaves out that she taped that scene after the fact to save face.
Andy asks Jackie to share her opinion on the matter. Jackie says, "Silence is golden." Simone demands that Jackie voice her true feelings on the matter. Jackie repeats, "Silence is golden." A frustrated Simone says, "We all make mistakes. We just have to learn to not walk in the same sh-t."
Andy mentions Baby Gate. Quad says that she wants to experience motherhood but not anytime soon. Simone asks, "Beyond the dogs?" Quad admits yes, though she maintains that her pups ARE her babies just the same. Toya thinks Quad is ridiculous. "They're DOGS!" she says. "It's totally different. There's a maturity that comes with being a mother, and once she experiences that, she won't do the dumb sh-t that she does." Quad is like, what's dumb? and Toya responds, lying. Quad pretends to be confused, asking, "Are we still talking about the dogs?"
Focus #4 – Toya, Toya, Toya; Not Many People Enjoya
Well, I do, and I'm not afraid to admit it. We're reminded of Mariah's God complex. "There was no Toya before me," she said all. season. long. "I developed Toya into the wonderful doctor wife that she is today."
Quad kicks things off, saying Toya treated her like a dog, and Toya insists that she tried to make things right with her. Quad holds up her DELUSIONAL sign; Mariah thinks Quad is hilarious. Quad tells Toya to never question her marriage, adding, "You are very obsessed with me."
Toya is like, I'm obsessed with you?! You made up a story about me to attack my character on camera. Toya talks; Quad talks. Toya talks louder and faster; Quad does the same. I think, every time Mariah or Quad are being challenged about something they've been dishonest about, they simply don't allow the other person to speak. When Toya tells her to shut up, Quad feels insulted.
Quad pulls a court docket from her bag of tricks, saying, "The dragon has a DUI. I'm not the only one with a mug shot." If Mariah's stink eye could talk, it would say, "Catch that dirt!" What. A. Circus. Anyway, the court docket is clearly dated for February, and that final Quad/Toya scene was taped last September. #shadyboots Quad tries to backtrack but just looks like a fool. Toya already explained the first incident, when she fell asleep behind the wheel, and she quickly states that this incident was the result of a routine DUI stop/refusal of field sobriety test. Toya says she was cleared of all charges.
Quad calls her a liar. Toya asks, "Why does your life revolve around Toya?" Quad says, "Girl, shut up. Honey, sit down. Sit down. Go lie down and put the cover over your head, honey." Didn't Quad just act super insulted when Toya told her to shut up? Quad adds, "Catch that dirt," to which Toya says, "What dirt? All I see is sand, bitch, and white beaches." Quad's chin jerks back, and she says, "Did you say bitch?" HAHA. Jackie and Simone jump in, insisting that Toya said beach, not bitch. I'm not convinced.
Focus #5 – Will the Real Lakeisha Please Stand Up … Please Stand Up…
We learn that Mariah's real name is Lakeisha. Lakeisha Mariah. She bites Andy's head off when he suggest she "dropped" the Lakeisha. It's still her name, you see, but you must never say it out loud. Or something. Also, Quad's real name is Quadriyyah, but she doesn't hiss at Andy when he says it.
Foucs #6 – Mariah and Toya's Poolside Brawl
Who started it? The way I see it, Mariah screamed in Toya's face (That's MY MAMA!), messed with Toya's hair, invaded Toya's personal space, and pushed on Toya's arms ALL before Toya threw her drink in Mariah's face. Still, that does not mean I condone the fight or think Toya is 100% innocent. Also, every time I hear Mariah slur That's my Mama!, I picture a baby dinosaur yelling Not the Mama!
Toya says, Mariah invaded her personal space, tossed her hair, and swung the first "purse." Mariah says, Toya touched her hair, so she did the same, and claims that nobody (except maybe Jackie) would walk away from someone splashing a drink in their face.
Toya thinks it's ridiculous that Mariah dwelled on this all season long. On the other hand, Mariah cannot believe how flippant Toya is about the issue. In the end, Mariah says, "You were supposed to be my friend," to which Toya says, "I was, and now our friends don't want to be friends with you. That's why you're upset." A "shocked" Mariah tells Toya that she has no character. In the good news department, Mariah acknowledges that using Lauren as a pawn in her game was tacky and inappropriate.
Andy asks Jackie for her opinion, but Mariah interrupts. "It's my fault," says Mariah. "She thinks I shouldn't have told Toya. She's not empathetic. She doesn't get it." Mariah goes on to say that none of the women showed any concern for her child. Simone says that she did ask about Lauren, adding, "I'm not going to accept you lying on me. I didn't understand at first. Your delivery was stank. Stank nasty. I'm sorry that you didn't understand why someone didn't get it right away." Mariah childishly mocks Simone.
Jackie tries to speak, but Mariah won't let her finish a single sentence. When Jackie says that it's impossible for Mariah to be quiet, Mariah says, "Jackie, you have no kids on this couch." Jackie admits that Mariah's words sting and once again brings attention to Mariah's inferiority complex.
To end the first hour, Andy welcomes Momma Lucy to the stage. Really?! Who – besides Mariah – cares what she has to say?
Personally, I find it hilarious that the Queen Bee sits on stage with five of her closest friends, yet most of them cannot stand to talk to her anymore. So what does Mariah do? She brings her ratchet, mean girl mother to the reunion because she knows that she will be rude to them. Yawn.
Part two of the reunion airs Tuesday, May 28.
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Photo credit: Bravo