Good lord last night's episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey was a rare and special breed of ridiculous, wasn't it? So the Gorgadice families went on some silly retreat to put their problems behind them and rebuild. Except it was more passive aggressive blaming and whining from everyone! Yay for something new and exciting.
Things begin over at Casa de Gorga, amid the crumbling faux marble and the collapsing gold-plate archways they are preparing for the big retreat. Melissa Gorga and Poison are doing their vacation dance ritual and getting into the groove by busting some J. Faux moves and encouraging their kids to dance. "Stripper in the house," Poison bellows as his three-year-old twerks, while daddy erratically humps and grinds the air. Yeah! Shake your moneymaker kids. Great parenting…
Antonia helps mommy pack and decides among the must haves are a bible and a stuffed unicorn. Makes sense, unicorns because it would be an absolutely fairy tale to imagine these families getting along. And a bible because you never know who may need an exorcism on a RHONJ trip.
All signs point to Teresa!
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Teresa was under the impression that the entire cast was headed to some retreat to hash out their differences and it would be reunion 2.0 with she and Jacqueline Laurita shrieking while swinging Ugg Boots at each other's heads. Unfortunately production pulled a fast one and Jacqueline and Caroline Manzo backed out last minute making it an all in the family mess!
Dr. V (Dr. Va-jay-jay according to Melissa) is going to work her magic. She better be a witch doctor cause she's dealing with some medieval times witch sisters here.
The Gorgas and the Wakiles take a party bus (cause nothing says therapeutic weekend like disco lights and a stripper pole!) to the retreat. Teresa and Jr. Mafia Joew get a chartered SUV. They sit in the back canoodling and Joe reveals that Jacqueline sent him a text saying he was allowed to be friends with Chris. Juicy thinks Jacqueline is crazy. While I quite agree I'm not sure why the FAMILY teambuilding event has become all about Jacqueline. Unless Teresa considers Jacqueline more of family than Joe and Melissa at this point.
In the party bus Melissa is not in a good mood about being forced into this event. Hey comes with the territory of signing onto a reality show where you fight with your family for two seasons, girlie! Was On Display worth it, J. Faux? Melissa's main beef is that Teresa feels no guilt or responsibility for her role in the feuding and was just meeting with Jan to accuse her of cheating. It's clear that the Gorgas are taking this 'Teresa needs an intervention' thing to heart because while complaining that Teresa cannot take any accountability they are refusing to take any of their own.
Melissa whispers to Joe that Juicy "doesn't love" Teresa and cheats nonstop. She believes their marriage is a lie and that Teresa is projecting her own unhappiness onto Melissa's 'Love: Italian Style' marriage which includes a husband who comes home at night and dry humps your leg on national TV.
Richie doesn't have high hopes either cause he hates Teresa and thinks she's an idiot. That's productive. Luckily Kathy Wakile and Rosie are being positive and mature about the whole thing. Rosie genuinely wants to fix things. She says after hashing it out with Teresa she's no longer mad and has let it go. I'm beginning to have my doubts that she really is related to these people. Imagine – just imagine – not perpetuating a nonsense argument over nothing for years and years despite repeated apologies.
Teresa and Juicy show up at the castle of nightmares first with Teresa is squealing and shrieking about the beautiful retreat she planned. Translation: Oooohhh… the producers done good! If I'm being forced to spend a weekend with these people to fulfill my contract might as well do it in luxury accommodations. Thanks Bravo. #scripted. I have to admit the appeal of the RHONJ cast trapped in the middle of nowhere left to their own devices is enticing. Perhaps Bravo is tricking them into filming a horror movie and we're going to have some sort of abandoned castle American Horror Story-reality TV hybrid…
When the Wallpapers and the Gorgas arrive Teresa is shocked that they are sans Jacqueline and Caroline. Jacqueline is busy with Nicholas explains Kathy to which Teresa points out that she still has plenty of time to get on twitter, stalk her and make passive aggressive comments calling her a "moron." Indeed…
Jacqueline tells us she'd rather wax her bikini lips than spend a weekend in the Kingdom of the Krazy. So when did Jacqueline become so obsessed with "down there" grooming? A hole bleaching, va-jay-jay lip waxing? Please get some new anal-ogies. Maybe twitter could help her out…
The bickering with Teresa and Jacqueline is totally Jr. High. She said-she said whining and backstabbing and Facebook stalking and mean note passing. I'm pretty sure Teresa is going to ask the boy Jacqueline likes to homecoming, make out with him, and then tell him Jacqueline is a hermaphrodite or something. Then Jacqueline is going to post sexts Teresa sent him and try to ruin her reputation.
Kathy tries to steer Teresa away from the Jacqueline sucks train and Melissa is rolling her eyes into a fever pitch. Careful, your face might freeze!
Everyone retreats to their room for the first round of alcohol and some snacks, but the main agenda is talking about each other. Teresa is incensed that Jacqueline bailed since she had her rhinestone boxing gloves packed and ready to go. Teresa doesn't buy the Nicholas excuse and neither does Juicy. "A lot of people have autism. Autism isn't really a bad disease. Some of 'em are like scientists!" Juicy says explaining how autism is like totally fun! He's not a doctor though. Oh yeah… really?!
Teresa sits there silently flagging the camera crew to cut the filming, but too late! Juicy is like a nice person with a big heart who just says the wrong thing. Uh-huh.
Then comes lunch. Teresa is excited that the food looks "Italian-y". Is that her next cookbook? Fabulicious Italian-y. It's like Olive Garden-y, But Not!
Everyone sits awkwardly around the table not really speaking to each other. It really was like the Blind Date (reality TV royalty!) episode from hell. Juicy breaks the ice by breaking wind and farting loudly. I guess it's better than breaking a glass over someone's head or ripping their weave out. Or breaking a scandal wide open about how they may or may not have been a stripper. RHONJ dinner tables are never a dull thing.
Richie and Poison are sticking to a liquid diet. I think the first step in retreat success is stepping AWAAAAY from the open bar.
It is here that I realize how eerily quiet this place is. Like, where are the staff? Is this turning into The Shining? WHO IS LEAVING THESE CHILDREN ALONE AND UNSUPERVISED IN A CASTLE!?
It's interesting that there are moments between Teresa and Poison where they seem so normal and sibling-esque. And then Poison remembers he's supposed to be putting on the the 'I hate my evil sister' act to defend his place on this show so he tells us he's so angry at Teresa he feels a burning sensation.
In the middle of all the not speaking and scary omens, the good doctors show up. They look about 12. I think they may or may not be escaped Amish kids on rumspringa. Mr. Doctor looks suspiciously like Ron Howard and I'm feeling a Happy Days, The Latter Years moment. He is lobotomized chirpy. A robot? And the wife is dressed 'down'. Like really dressed down. In khakis! That are baggy. And no sequins. Or rhinestones. Or neon. And she doesn't have a tan. And I'm pretty sure she wasn't wearing hair spray or false eyelashes. Instantly the ladies of Jersey are suspicious. These people aren't doctors. Oh no… they're imposters. They're not gonna help us…
But they're smarter than they look cause they distract everyone with games! 'Oooohhhh games!' squeals the combined IQ of 10. First up is some sort of masochistic version of Twister where they have to touch each other. Proving he's gross and immature, Poison is molesting his wife's butt in the middle of the game. Cause nothing says family fun like your brother getting a boner during a team building version of Milton Bradley. If that's Love: Italian Style, I'll pass.
Melissa realizes that Juicy is enjoying the games a little too much. "I think Joe Giudice is so into these games because his brain could understand the content," she explains. Remember, he's not a doctor! So Melissa is slamming Juicy's intellect. Can her husband even READ? His RHONJ script must look like hieroglyphics.
Then the doctors try to convince everyone to discuss trust and loyalty. I'm not sure how things got so turned around (too much twistering?) but I think he should have had them just keep playing games until they forgot why they were mad. In the middle of dismantling AGAIN who is to blame for what problems, Teresa points the finger at Jacqueline for destroying her family by telling Poison she orchestrated stripper-gate. Poison and Melissa insist Teresa is to blame and continues to hang out with people that spread rumors about them. And Teresa just deflects, deflects, deflects.
Melissa: 'You were with Kim D at the salon!' Teresa: "JACQUELINE!" Melissa: "You should have warned me about Angelo!" Teresa: JACQUELINE! Poison: Why would you be friends with someone spreading rumors about your family?! Teresa: "JACQUELINE! JACQUELINE DID IT! SHE MADE ME! IT'S HER FAULT! TWITTER IS HER FAULT. Kathy: 'Teresa just relax… Have a cannoli.' Teresa: JACQUELINE! Rosie: 'OK – let's get back on track and try to get along. Why are we still arguing?' Teresa: 'JACQUELINE. And I'm just discussing my feelings. And my feelings are JACQUELINE!' Juicy: 'I need a drink and to make a phone call. Takin' the mic off this time. har-har. Won't fool me again, a$$ wipes! I'll show you who the c-u-next-tuesday is!' Teresa: 'JACQUELINE IS OUTSIDE. JACQUELINE. WHY JACQUELINE?!' Transcript provided by Reality Tea, $9.99 + S&H. If you call now we'll throw in a 'Free Juicy' coffee mug!
About this time Melissa decides drastic denial calls for drastic measures. She drops down on her knees and starts begging Teresa to leave her alone. I think she saw that in a Madonna video once and it worked for Madge; she got to keep her baby, Jesus on the cross became a living hottie who wanted to date her, and Papa stopped preaching. So it's a win-win, right?! "Leave us alone!" she begs, making the backwards sign of the cross and hoping this bit of acting will surely get her a guest role on Law & Order. Or at least Drop Dead Diva! I'm not gonna make the obvious jab about Melissa being 'on her knees', cause that just brings us to Kim D/stripper-gate territory.
Melissa and Teresa battle back and forth about who is more poisonous and filled with poison. "You're poison," Melissa screams, stomping away. Teresa screeches about how Melissa said her kids are bullies. Speaking of poison… My poison has a first name it's J-O-E…
Dr. Steve is flapping his arms around and channeling frantically for the Jerry Springer security team. As obstinate as Teresa is Melissa is JUST as bad with her stupid victim act. She talks about Teresa and vice versa. They're BOTH guilty! And disloyal. And annoying. Terlissa needs to stop.
At this point Joe Gorga jumps into the mix to defend his wife. And Teresa discounts his animosity as Melissa "chirping in his ear". She tell us the Melissa we're seeing throwing a tantrum and making snarky comments left and right is the "real Melissa", unfiltered. I believe her. I think Melissa is manipulative and self-absorbed, just like Teresa!
Poison decides to redirect things positively by calling Teresa "scum"! Teresa looks like she's been slapped and the air deflates from her like one of those annoying arm wavy things at car dealerships when the generator is cut off. I actually felt bad for her. Poison repeats it and Teresa runs out of the room to tattle to Juicy who is enjoying a nice scotch on the rocks with Rosie.
And Juicy loses it! He storms back into the room and demands that Poison apologizes to Teresa. I guess Juicy is trying to redeem himself for the c-u-next-tuesday comment by defending Teresa now! Love RHONJ style!
But Poison, hopped up on liquid courage and tired of being everyone's bitch, seizes the moment to charge Juicy. Big mistake. Huge! Cause while he's trying to punch his BIL in the balls, Juicy drops him like he's a garbage bag. Doesn't he remember the man is GOING TO PRISON. He's been practicing. Dang, Poison! And then Bravo scams us cause the rest of the fight is next week. According to my Magic Hate Ball, Poison is going down!
Look Dr Steve isn't going to get a job hosting the RHONJ reunions anytime soon. He's wholly ineffective. But I can help some girls out. Teresa needs to own up. Take some blame and admit, you were pissed off and got feisty and vindictive. Melissa and Joe need to STOP it with the victim act! It's so dumb and petty – and we're not buying it. Richie needs to go away. Kathy needs to come to my house with a tray of cannoli. And Juicy, well he'll likely be going away sometime soon. So be free while you can, Jr. Mafia. Have those drinks, punch your brother-in-law, love the ladies and Free Juicy!
TELL US – MORE POISONOUS: TERESA OR MELISSA? IS JACQUELINE TO BLAME FOR THE GORGADICE FAMILY PROBLEMS?