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This week on Teen Mom 3, Alex Sekella suffers a nervous breakdown, Katie Yeager longs for a fairytale ending, Briana DeJesus sits on her couch, and Mackenzie Douthit goes to prom. The episode somehow manages to be both boring (not feeling the girls yet) and exhausting (see: Alex). 

Mackenzie opens the show, reminding us that she's still just a junior in high school. Homework is not a priority but prom is right around the corner. Woot! Mackenzie asks Josh McKee if he wants to go with her, and as always, he "doesn't care." Good talk, Josh. Good. Talk. Mackenzie squeals with delight. 

Next Mackenzie shops for a prom dress with zero dollars (and fiance Josh is currently unemployed). Perhaps she should work on that homework a bit more. Math question: Mackenzie has $0. Pretty prom dresses cost $200. How many prom dresses can Mackenzie buy? Show your work. 

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Thankfully, Mackenzie comes to realize that she simply cannot afford a dress, as $200 is better spent on diapers. She hopes Josh will help pay for the $30 tickets. Mackenzie continues, Josh is her best friend and all, but his lack of personality, err, vocabulary, err, employment (yes, that's the one she says!) is a turn off. Then she farts on camera.

Briana's at home, sitting on her couch and looking miserable, while Brittany is at school/out with friends/work. Why does Briana feel the need to update us on Brittany's whereabouts? I honestly couldn't care less where Brittany is. Ever.

Briana is waiting for Devoin Austin to come sweep her off her feet see Nova. Have I mentioned she looks miserable? Because she does. Mom comes home, Briana complains about being stuck at home (pining after her baby daddy) while Brittany's out with friends. Mom pretty much says, you made your choice, Brittany made hers. Needless to say, Devoin is a no-show. 

Katie talks to a friend about the fight with Joey Maes. Katie says, she was just "sitting on the couch" and "didn't say a word" to Joey, and he just "lost control." Meanwhile Joey talks to his stepdad. Basically, he's tired of Katie constantly picking fights, especially right before he goes to work. He works a dangerous job from 9PM to 9AM, yet she makes him feel useless. Joey says he loves Katie but wonders if they should call it quits.

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The nightmare that is Alex and Matt McCann gets worse after she finds out that he's chatting with another girl online. This is going to end terribly. 

Alex tells a friend about Matt's online activity. First she's like, if he wants to talk to other girls, he should just tell me. Then she's like, I feed that SOB, "pissed does not define how mad I am" right now. Alex plans to confront Matt. She expects to stay calm. Not a chance in hell! She adds, unless he lies, then I'm going to go nuts. Way more likely! Elsewhere, Matt admits Alex needs to know about the other girl, "However it goes down is how it goes down."

Next Josh and his buddy talk about prom. Uh, more specifically, sex after prom. Buddy wants to know if Josh and Mackenzie plan to get busy after prom, and Josh flatly says, "We quit."

Sex – or lack of sex – doesn't seem to be on Josh's mind. At all. In all fairness, though, I don't think there's much of anything in Josh's mind. Buddy tries to get a rise (no pun intended) out of Josh, teasing about sex with Mackenzie. Or any girl.  Buddy demands,  "Tell me your pecker don't get hard looking at any girl walking by." Josh insists he only has eyes for Mackenzie. Also, Josh's friends suck.

Briana drowns her baby daddy sorrows in baby proofing.  Rather than go to Babies R Us, spend $75 on gates and gadgets, and do the work herself,  she brings in an outside company to baby proof ONE FLOOR for $347. Mom offers to pay the bill when Briana starts to cry about money.

Unpopular opinion alert: I don't believe for a single second that Briana's mom paid that bill. MTV did. MTV is using Briana – a decent mom who gives up everything to care for her baby – as their Teen Mom redemption arc. Add in on-screen baby CPR classes, mature discussions about WIC, professional baby proofing – how lovely. What does Briana do the rest of the time? She sits on her couch and thinks of ways to use Nova as a pawn in her baby daddy games. Sound familiar? Nice try, MTV. Take a seat. 

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Katie and Joey come together to talk about their problems before they move into their new apartment. Joey apologizes for losing his temper. Katie mumbles the right stuff – we need to act like adults, we need to find better ways to express our feelings, etc. – but she seems void of any emotion. 

In the end, Katie tells Joey that she wants their relationship to work, and she brings up couples therapy again. Joey agrees this time.  While it's a good start, I have a hunch that these two plan to put a Band-Aid over some serious issues, then expect to live happily ever after. They're in for a rude awakening. 

Devoin is busy, yo! He's currently shooting hoops and boasting about the one time he took care of Nova for 30 minutes. Father of the year admits he hasn't seen Nova since, but he now expects the freedom to take her out and about on his own. What happened to Devoin being there for Briana and Nova 24/7? He says, "Every day I'm not busy, I'll make it happen."  Mmkay. 

Alex confronts Matt – he denies, she screams, nothing else to see here. Katie and Joey talk to a counselor. Joey doesn't want to fight. Katie admits to being lonely and taking it out on Joey. 

Next Devoin visits Nova. MTV plays the Wildwest Showdown music as they stare each other down. I half expect Nova to pull a gun outta her diaper. Briana wastes no time – Do you plan to be here more often? You're missing out on a lot. Can you pay for half the baby proofing? She adds, "Not fair that you don't help," to which Devoin says, "You don't share [Nova], so don't be surprised it's more work." Brittany bitches. Briana yells. Devoin leaves.

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Mackenzie (in a borrowed dress) and Josh (in a suit and camo hat) are off to prom. Meanwhile Matt is in charge of Arabella while Alex works. Matt comments on his daugther's laid back personality, adding, "She's not needy at all – gonna be just like me." Alex picks up a friend and immediately announces that she's in a pissy mood. This girl requires a talking warning label. Alex insists she's over Matt for good. Or until the next scene – whatever.

Katie and Joey move into their new apartment. Katie expects their relationship problems to magically disappear. Joey is like, I know what pisses you off, you know what pisses me off, let's stop that stuff. Katie agrees, adding, "Especially if we're going to get married." These two have broken up twice and gotten back together twice since the premiere – and this is only episode number 4. 

Briana and Brittany tell their mom all about Devoin's visit. She calls him to give him a piece of her mind. Devoin reverts back to the fact that Briana won't allow him time alone (on his own terms) with Nova. "Nova doesn't know you," reminds Mom. "Everything she wants and needs is in this house. You have to earn that trust." Once again, Devoin insists he's there for them, and he agrees to pay for half of the baby proofing. Nobody is holding their breath. 

On her way home from work, Alex texts her mom, to warn her that shit is about to go down with Matt.  I'm scared.  Hold me.  Alex is barely out of her car before she starts screaming. "I can't hear you," snarks Matt. "Yell again." 

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Matt turns into a raging loon. He yells at Mom and attempts to walk away. Alex runs after him, screaming, "Get your child! Get your child!"  Wait, what?  Let's keep the raging druggie away from the child, ok?   Matt gives Alex the double middle finger. Alex takes off after Matt, still demanding that he go to Arabella, and he gets in her face. "Do something, bitch," he yells. "Hit me. Hit me. Hit me. Hit me." She doesn't. 

Matt walks away. Mom tells Alex that she needs some serious therapy. Alex loses her mind. She rants and raves about Matt, adding, "He's a two-faced f–king fake-ass bitch."  Over on his side of the road, Matt says, "I'm done – my point's proven." 

Mom tells Matt that he needs to move out. Alex does not take it well. "I can't deal with that," she scream sobs. "That hurts me. I can't let go. I can't handle my child sitting there and saying, 'Where's Daddy? Why do I have a different daddy?' I don't have answer for her. I did nothing to him. I gave him everything."

Matt leaves. Mom cries. Alex breaks down – more.

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Photo credit: MTV

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