I dunno… maybe Real Housewives of Miami is growing on me. It's so… glossy. I mean, I'm a girl who loves a soap opera and since reality TV is just as staged and melodramatic as Revenge, why not amp up the glamour and make it look as glossy as Revenge. Although if Emily Thorne ever sports leopard print tuxedo trousers with a neon racing stripe Imma have serious issues.
So last night the bionic blonde trio of Lea Black, Joanna Krupa, and Fembot Fakenstein traveled to LA for a little wedding planning. You wouldda thought it was the first time these broads had been on an airplane before with all the handycam footage they were shooting. Lisa gleefully popped a tranquilizer of some sort then put both legs behind her head contortionist style and bragged that Lenny really likes that move. Um… I have never seen an adult woman that flexible – even in yoga – did she get her hipbones removed or something? Is she entirely made of high-grade silicone. She's definitely a fembot.
Then they arrive at Joanna's LA home, which is really pretty. Lisa looses track of her giant suitcase, which weighs approximately double what she does even when she wears 7" platforms. It starts rolling away from her down the driveway. She takes off after it fearing for the life of her Louboutins and ends up in the street desperately tripping over the giant thing. That was seriously the funniest scene I've ever seen on this show. It was classic and adorable.
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I refuse to believe Joanna lives in this house, I mean it doesn't look like an Ikea clearance rack. Anyway, Joanna's house is lovely, but unfortunately it's probably covered with animal hair because she has a full-on humane society in there. Like 19 dogs, kittens she's bottle feeding in the formal living room, her mom as pack leader. Joanna is apparently running a rescue group now. Which is code for cat hoarder. Call Jeff Lewis!
Lea subtly shades that her house is better, smaller, but in the Hollywood Hills and full of Birkins instead of barkers. Shi-shi-shi! Fembot is staying with Joanna, so they go get tipsy on wine and drill Joanna's mom about sex. Seriously they ask her if she masturbates.
Joanna's mom is clearly not into discussing it, but Joanna is swinging her wine glass around like she's Lea Black and trilling that her mom loves it, they're best friends, who cares ask her what color her poop is Lisa! Yay – WIIIINE! When the Romain's away the cat hoarder will play!
The next day they head to the location of Joanna's nuptials. And I'm seriously under-whelmed. It was like the Motel 6 version of resorts; so generic and non-fabulous. Lisa and Lea stand there like… Oh. It's… niiiiice. Lea starts to cry about how she's so proud of the life the "little girl from Poland" made for herself, but I think she was really crying because her Chanel touched a vinyl seat cushion. They bring out the boxed wine for the ladies to sample then some Hamburger Helper on the fancy plates as the course de cuisine.
Over tuna salad on Ritz crackers and Boones Farm, Joanna asks Fembot if she's Adriana de Moura's wedding. When Lisa admits she is Joanna says she's not allowed to be in her wedding. An argument about the parameters of friendship ensues. Lisa reminds her they are adults and Joanna is like, 'We are? Nuh-uh. No wedding for you!'
Meanwhile, Adriana is hosting her lavish re-wedding at The Biltmore and it is fab.u.lous. I love The Biltmore. So lush. How gorgeous was that coffered ceiling and the birdcage in the lobby? Too good for old Grifdriana!
I wonder whose gonna pay for this here shindig now that The Bank of Lea Black is closed? Oh, Bravo!
Apparently as the most mature member of the family, Alex will be in charge of DJing the event, which is sweet. You can tell he thinks his mother is a hot mess of ridiculous and you can tell Adriana thinks she is a smoking hot clutch of magnificent. She tells the wedding planners that the guests are required to change from their church attire into a Great Gatsby themed outfit for the reception. And it will be on the invitation. Alex wonders about indecent exposure due to all those middle-agers changing in their Lexuses in the parking lot. I don't want to see that, he interjects! The planner suggests renting out a suite and making it a defacto changing station. Perfecto!
Back in LA, Joanna cannot drive and Lisa cannot use a GPS to save her life, unless she is navigating towards a Birkin. Dr. Boob God thinks it's ludicrous to spend $10,000 on a purse, but that does not stop our little Fembot from owning 3 and coveting more. Fembot is so ambitious!
She pays Lea a visit at her stunning LA home, which is nestled between an Aniston and a Cruise or something. Whatever the case, it's in primo real estate location.
Fembot tells us she is cozying up to Lea because she possesses like 50 Birkins and Lisa is not in the loop of the Hermes empire. You have to know people. If these things are so elitist how come every Housewife, no matter how tacky (TUH-REESA) owns like 6 of these. According to Lea there's limits on how many you can own. Is she insinuating that these ladies are scooping up fakes?! Well I never…
Lisa espouses about her love for Birkins. How desperate she is to amass more. She admits she's shallow. But not more shallow than Lea who invites a friend over whose job is collecting Birkins and then re-designing them. I don't get why you want to turn a $30,000 purse into a summer camp project (one had feathers) or a bedazzler experiment but whatever.
Then while Lisa is making love to a neon airbrushed Togo in the corner, Lea does her a solid and calls an Hermes store to see if they'll bypass the list and track one down for ol' Fembot. She can store her demolition boobs in there, the ones she busts out when Lenny really needs to promote his business. Lisa spontaneously combusts from excitement and the Birkin artist scoops up the silicone and hair extensions for his next work. This one might just get him into MOMA. He'll call it… Girl, Interrupted.
Joanna skipped Birkin Love Fest to try on wedding dresses with her mom. Joanna goes to some store that looks like it's in a stripmall and yanks on some sort of ill-fitting dull gown, but then hikes it up to the Heidi Klum hoo-ha length. Her mom tells her it's too short. Joanna disagrees – she wants her goods on display! Joanna is disappointed her mom did not cry seeing her try on gowns, but thinks her mom will cry at the ceremony. Her mom says Joanna has been engaged for six years so this whole wedding thing is old news. Quick question: Did Adriana score all of Bravo's bridal budget this season? Dang…
Later the ladies go out to dinner where Joanna mixes her LA friends (aka her real friends) with her RHOM friends. Her mom is also there and her mom is a shrewd lady who is over Joanna's antics! Joanna describes her LA friends as "self-made" and accomplished… unlike her Miami friends who married rich.
Then some bicker ensues about whether or not Lisa can be in both Adriana and Joanna's wedding. No one is on Joanna's side and her mom speaks up to call her out on being petty. She tells Lisa she can be a bridesmaid, but Joanna interjects to say she hasn't decided yet. Apparently she will never recover from being slapped in the face. Lea bursts out with a preachy sermon about fake people who misrepresent themselves and can we get an aaaamen! Or should I say biiiiirkin!
And finally, the ill-fitting storyline of the day, Alexia Echevarria and The Problem With Peter. See Peter is cray-cray and moody and acting out all sorts of inappropriate and Alexia isn't sure what to do or how to control him.
She brings Peter along to a Venue Magazine cover shoot because his interest of the week is photography and that way she can babysit him and give him something to do while he struts around acting like he's important. Alexia laments that she has done her sons wrong because of their father's behavior. She shares how much Peter looks like his father, and idolizes him, and reminds her of him.
You know, I have to give Alexia some credit: she's really vocal and open about admitting her mistakes. And she admits that she doesn't know what to do to help Peter. It's a tough situation and I applaud her honesty in the matter. During the shoot, which takes place outside, a cab driver is obstructing the shot and when they motion for him to move he flips them off. Then Peter chases the cab down and kicks it. The driver gets out, an argument erupts, and the driver calls the police.
Meanwhile a desperate Alexia is trying to calm Peter down. He takes off for a walk and she is wringing her hands worried about what her twenty-something son will do alone for 5 minutes.
Later Peter sits down with his grandmother, Alexia's psychiatrist mom, to discuss what's up with his life. His grandma is living there now presumably to help him through these tough times. Peter reveals that he didn't meet his father until he was 5 – his dad was in jail – and he knew nothing of his father's past until a blogger called him to spill the dirt.
He tells Alexia that she sends mixed messages to him; she says his dad was a "piece of s#*!" but always talks about how Peter reminds her of him. Alexia looks overwhelmed and exhausted. She has no control over her son and she in turn says her family told her not to tell the boys about their father.
I don't know what's going on here, but whatever it is it's really sad and unhealthy. It needs not be on reality TV.
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – SHOULD JOANNA LET LISA BE A BRIDESMAID? WHOSE WEDDING WOULD YOU RATHER ATTEND: ADRIANA'S OR JOANNA'S? WHAT IS GOING ON WITH PETER?