Last night the ladies of Teen Mom 2 continued to mope through the agonies of motherhood – well except for Jenelle Evans who promptly stored 'have a child' in the largely non-functioning corner of her brain (right beside 'multiple arrests, including a felony') and went on as if she had not a care in the world.
Kail Lowry is feuding with Jo over their custody agreement with Isaac. Kail just doesn't see the logic in anyone disagreeing with her, but is meeting in court before a judge. Javi warns her to keep her temper in check. Kail, who spent the day therapeutically painting pottery coasters for the house she hates but is forced to live in because of Jo's selfishness, promises Javi she'll be calm on the stand.
The two meet in court where Kail is hoping her fabulously constructed donut bun will sway the judge in her favor (her dress is cute, so props for that!), but unfortunately due to a jurisdiction error the case was transferred and now will take a couple more months.
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Kail stresses about the unfairness of a world not recognizing her as the supreme authority of all things. Meanwhile Jo meets with his lawyer where the obvious is stated: although Kail wanting to move 2 hours away in a different direction won't change their current custody, she chose to marry a man in the Air Force who may have many, many more moves in his career so Jo has to set custody boundaries now.
I don't know if Kail was being dense and ignoring this fact, or she doesn't want to bring attention to it so everyone feels sorry for her. I'm going with the latter!
Whatever – Kail sulks on. Can Kail's Sulk Face replace Farrah's Ugly Cry Face as the new TM meme?
Chelsea Houska has finally found her passion in life – slathering 8 foot deep technicolor makeup on faces not her own. She and her clone Megan are starting esthetics school. The morning of school Aubree is still asleep and they're going to be late. Chelsea bursts into Aubree's room (with the appropriate Victoria's Secret PINK body pillow on the bed) to wake her up for daycare. Aubree is not having it – this child is like in a coma. Does she not have a bedtime or does she just condition herself to sleep through Chelsea's whining and hair spray abuse?
Chelsea wrestles Aubree out of bed, into a dress, and finally into the bathroom where she starts brushing her hair. Aubree, realizing the horribleness on her mother's head, finally comes to in a blind fury. The entire time Megan did not lookup from her curling iron.
Chelsea is excited to learn all about makeup application and skincare from the teacher, who judging by her own face and hair is qualified to teach no one. I mean she looked like my paint-by-numbers Barbie head from the late-80's – after I had been playing with her. Chelsea and Megan plan to practice facials on each other, but not smelly bikini waxes.
Across town Adam is all kinds of pretending he's changed and grown up with his new baby mama. He complains Chelsea is trying to keep him away from Aubree and how it's not fair that he missed so much of her life. Um… #NoCommentLoser. Also, Adam has made his receding hairline into a mohawk. WTF.
Papa Rand comes over to hear that Chelsea loves school – after one day, but she doesn't love Adam. This week. I appreciated that Chelsea spelled everything out and didn't directly talk ish about Adam in front of Aubree - that's progress! Chelsea whines that she doesn't want Aubree to have a sibling and Randy is like um… time to grow up. Put your big girl panties on, use the big potty, stop playing in mommy's makeup. He really needs to overthrow Dr. Drew to host the reunions.
Leah Calvert and Jeremy are taking their family to Orlando for vacation before Jeremy goes back to work and is pretty much away from them full-time. Leah is sad that she'll have to be both mommy and daddy. I feel her: no break from kids for days on end, but it's probably good birth control! Jeremy also seems really sad to be leaving and is so sweet with Adalynn.
Leah and Jeremy talk about Ali's condition - Leah is optimistic that Ali and Aleeah will have different strengths. I think she's being very positive about the whole thing. She encourages Ali to do everything Aleeah does and doesn't coddle her. Leah knows Ali will figure out she needs to rely more on her brain than Aleeah as they face the realities of their physical differences.
Aleeah, the attention seeking one per Leah, stuffs tissues in her bikini top before they go to the pool. Leah races to get her camera. I'm impressed Leah is eating fried food after just having a baby and still rocking a bikini. #jealous
Jeremy's mom watches the girls so Leah and Jeremy can have a date night on the final day of vacation. Of course, Leah picks a fight. She thinks Jeremy should get a job that doesn't take him away from this family 5 days a week, but he says they need the money for bills. What bills he doesn't elaborate on. I'm wondering where Leah's TM2 paycheck goes? Hair?
I am increasingly concerned about Leah's hair. Is she letting Chelsea do it? I'm flabbergasted – the colors, the texture. Is that all real hair? It looks plastic?
Finally, I've saved the best for last: Jenelle! Oh Jenelle. Oh, oh Jenelle! Jenelle is lonely and bored ALL ALONE WITH HER SON at her mom's house so she got on a dating app and met Nathan.
But wait – there's more! She gets a phone call from her lawyer about her felony and she is like, "Um…. do you think the courts will be mad? Like will I actually be in trouble?" Dustin Sullivan, the hardest working man in the legal system, spells it out for her: she has a FELONY on her record, aka: serious offense. Hasn't she ever watched Orange Is The New Black?
Five minutes after her abortion and 10 minutes after her husband was incarcerated for taking the rap for her, Jenelle is ready to date again – she thinks Nathan is truly special. He was the first one who messaged her while she was soooo sad and lonely and alone not parenting, not working, not going to school plus he's an underwear model. So duh!
Babs thinks Jenelle is moving too fast and should focus on getting a job instead. Babs can't spend too long discussing Jenelle's lack of sanity, because Jace is probably in the kitchen smearing cat poop on the floor to spell out f–k. Poor Jace. Babs tries.
Jenelle acts like her mom is just "watching" Jace so she can get a break, so she and a friend take a break to get pedicures. Jenelle has no money for birth control or abortions but she does have money for nails and dating apps. #necessities
Jenelle's friend throws the most therapeutic shade awesomeness I've ever seen in my life when she calls Jenelle out for being desperate to have a man and for exposing Jace to a constant string of losers that never stick around. It goes without saying that instead of trying to date, Jenelle should enroll in a psych hospital.
Jenelle and Nathan have their first date. He asks her what the craziest thing she's ever done is… she thinks, and thinks, and thinks and then answers: Went to New Jersey!
Really?! Not getting married to someone you met online a second ago? Not getting arrested 75,000 times? Not going on a date a week after you got an abortion? Nope - going to New Jersey. And also using heroin. Nathan, who is undoubtedly has been following the Jenelle shenanigans, is like 'Oh cool. But you don't that anymore right?' No, Jenelle stays at home and lives a totally wholesome life being a good mom and working hard.
They mini golf and forget to keep score because they're having so much fun. Or Nathan was distracted by Jenelle's super shiny skin. Meanwhile Babs was as at home "watching Jace" so Jenelle could have a break.
[Photo Credits: MTV/Twitter]
TELL US – IS KAIL BEING UNFAIR ABOUT THE CUSTODY THING? WILL CHELSEA COMPLETE SCHOOL? ARE JENELLE AND NATHAN MEANT TO BE?