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Last night on Couples Therapy the brilliant professionalism that is Dr. Jenn Berman explored *gasp* secrets. Secrets soooo big, and soooo deep, and soooo like secrety that the cameras had to be turned off on Farrah Abraham so Farrah could secret in secret. And also scrunch up her face while stage whispering, aka cry. 

Other than that, Ghostface's secret girlfriend Latrice came to the house to discover that Ghost also has a secret girlfriend named Kelsey. In the world of Ghost this is just how he gets his mack on, in the world of the rest of us, Ghost should just give up the ghost and accept that he's a middle-aged man with a midlife crisis. Oh, did I say that out loud? Cause I wish Dr. Jenn would have! Basically what I'm saying here is that last night's Couples Therapy was about one singular sensation who no one would ever date and one menage-a-trois dysfunctional relationship. So like where the couples at?

No one likes Farrah. I mean of course not - she makes condescending snarky comments to everyone, walks around with her fake nose in the air, and acts like it's all their faults she's a liar. Also everyone sees through her. Taylor Armstrong slurs that the "floral skirts with ballet flats aren't fooling me." Exactly how is Taylor getting sloshed every night "therapeutic"? 

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"I don't like being alone through hard things, but I feel like people are so f–king rude. I just feel like it's so high school," Farrah complains. While Farrah is obsessing about herself, Kelsey is reeling from the discovery that Ghost has another girlfriend. Ghost apparently thinks he can have his cake and eat it too, because while a hysterical Kelsey tries to get away from him he traps her in the bathroom and keeps trying to her hug her. I was hoping Kelsey would yank off her massive heart necklace and smack Ghost with it. 

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Sada Bettencourt reminds Kelsey that she is much better than this. Kelsey agrees and considers leaving both the relationship and the house - until Dr. Manipulative Mike, convinces her she owes it to herself to explore this and try to truly figure out what's going on with Ghost. He's asking leading questions that anyone who has ever studied therapy knows are a big no-no! "I know he has trouble expressing himself sometimes, but he did choose to come here," says Dr. Mike, aka you too chose to come here too and here's the contract. Where exactly are these people getting their psychology degrees? Oh, right.. reality TV academy of famewhority.  

Dr. Jenn then has a one-on-one with Farrah. Dr. Jenn suggests that a "defining, unfortunate moment" in Farrah's life was her sex tape. Ummm… considering Farrah's "sex tape" was released last year, what were all the previous excuses for her atrocious behavior? Farrah admits there's been a lot of "'Duh Farrah - what were you thinking?' moments."

"There's something holding you back," Dr. Jenn theorizes. Something like BACKdoor Teen Mom! Dr. Jenn wants to get to the bottom (see what I did there!) of what happened with the tape so Farrah can put it behind her. Farrah whines about how she signed her life away and legally can't reveal the truth or else get in trouble. SIIIIIIIIGH. At this point I took a big swig of my vodka tonic and started getting slurry-irate ala Taylor

Farrah scrunch-face-whisper-cries that she is living in many secrets and regrets that she "signed" her morals away. MORALS?! HA! "When you break it f–king down, it's just me having sex," Farrah says, but she signed a "huge contract" that contains many, many secretive terrible things that are destroying her life. 

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Dr. Jenn tells Farrah they can turn off all the cameras and mics so Farrah can talk confidentially. Farrah makes a HUGE show of searching the room for cameras, making Dr. Jenn lift up her shirt to prove she's not packing a secret mic (is VH1 the CIA now?), and suddenly all the tears are over as Farrah is getting all the attention for her dramas. 

The next day in group Dr. Jenn tells everyone that Farrah confided some of the worst things she's ever heard in her years as a therapist and she wants to the group to understand that Farrah is not intentionally lying to them, but she just can't be open about certain aspects of her life because of legal issues. 

John Bluher doesn't care about the sex tape lie, he's just annoyed that Farrah is completely fake and "lives in a bubble". Says the man dating Taylor, who ironically relates to Farrah. Taylor is disappointed that Farrah is putting up walls because she hoped she'd be able to mentor her. Well Taylor, you can lead a lip job to wine, but you can't make her drink! 

Definitely not buying what Farrah's selling is Whitney Mixter, who seems to speak for the group. She calls Farrah out on dominating therapy even though she's not a couple. And furthermore she can't even benefit from the therapy as a solo if she won't be honest. "You're being so vague," Whitney chastises. "Who knows what this eminent elephant is in the room?" Whitney states, proceeding to call Farrah out on all her "Bull S–t". 

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"It's just like, what's true, what's not true? You're on here solo, this is couples therapy to sort out your couples issues, but now you have a situation in your life that seems to be gigantic that you can't talk about and it relates to other things that you can't talk about or won't talk about. So now it's just like you're just a chick in a room!" 

And BOOM! Farrah scrunch-faces and I'm done with her. 

Now lets move on to other people who aren't a couple: Ghost and Kelsey. In group Ghost defends his long-term two-timing as men have testosterone and want to f–k every woman they see. Sada (Sada and Whitney are on a calling people out rampage that I LOVE) rejects this and openly tells Kelsey that her relationship was always a sham because Ghost has always been a sham. He freaks out. Apparently Sada being a woman and a lesbian means she doesn't know anything about men. Dr. Jenn interjects to remind Ghost that he has to make choices to be faithful to his partner. 

Later that day Ghost and Kelsey head into therapy with Dr. Jenn where he continues his refrain of having Latrice show up so he can choose which woman he likes better ("I'm kinda stuck in the middle, cause I got love for both of 'em.") and so both ladies can size up their competition. Dr. Jenn reminds him this isn't an "audition" but a "therapeutic" exercise for the benefit of reality TV viewing enjoyment. "The best thing that can happen with this is that you learn to be more honest with women." 

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Latrice joins them and admits she had no idea Kelsey existed. She seems shell-shocked. Dr. Jenn asks Ghost if he loves Latrice. He does because their connection is crazy, he's been knowing her a long time, they have amazing sex, she cooks, and she does whatever he says. Kelsey on the other hand… "I have love for her," he admits, but "I'm not in love with her." 

Kelsey loses it and admits she never would have even spoken to Ghost if she knew he had a girlfriend. Positively, Kelsey describes the situation as a "reality check" and she is relieved to have seen the true Ghost. 

The two of them erupt into a massive yelling fight about how Ghost has been misrepresenting himself. "If you love-love her and you been knowing her so long, why even pull me in?" Kelsey screams. "I only know what you told me or what you showed me!" Ghosts' response, "You know my aura" and refuses to accept ANY responsibility for his behavior or cheating. 

Finally Dr. Jenn yells at Ghost! "How can you treat her like this?! Talk about disrespect!" and then she reveals in front of Latrice that Ghost has been lying and claiming to love Kelsey all through therapy. "He has shown me who he really is," Kelsey admits realizing Ghost probably won't change.

Yep - run Kelsey Run! Which is exactly what she does – she runs out of the room. 

[Photo Credits: VH1]

TELL US – WHAT DO YOU THINK FARRAH HAS "SIGNED"? IS SHE LYING? WILL KELSEY LEAVE GHOST?

 

 

 

 

 

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