It's Shahs of Sunset reunion time. Andy Cohen ditches the usual couches in favor of a huge dinner table – Golnesa "GG" Gharachedaghi, Lilly Ghalichi, and Mike Shouhed sit to Andy's right and Reza Farahan, Mercedes "MJ" Javid, and Asa Soltan Rahmati sit to Andy's left. Me, I have vending machine caviar & wine on my right and butt suppositories & wine on my left. Let's do this.
First observation, there is an obscene amount of food on the table, including a buttery chocolate croissant. Of course! A viewer wants to know – when MJ talks down to someone and they get upset, she says they need thicker skin. But, when Mike tells MJ not to eat a buttery chocolate croissant, she goes fifty shades of crazy on him. MJ admits that she exploded BUT only because Mike's advice was unsolicited.
MJ adds, "I don't need a lesson about my body image – and I definitely do not need it from him because we're not sleeping together." Andy tells MJ to enjoy all the buttery chocolate croissants she wants during the reunion. MJ's three-sizes-too-small dress begs, please no!
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Next, Andy brings up this season's parties, Lilly's birthday and Mike's brother's graduation. Lilly admits her party was over the top but she loved and enjoyed it. GG says she, too, enjoyed it. (Because she made out with Shayan. Not so much because of Lilly.) Reza announces that he would have had a lot more fun if MJ had been there. This hurts Lilly's feelings. "Somebody who was truly my friend would be there for me, not worrying about somebody else," she says.
So, Reza missing MJ, not okay. GG's tongue down Shayan's throat all night, okay. Got it. In all seriousness, Reza is acting like a drama queen, especially since he was still in love Lilly and hate MJ mode just days before the party. But Lilly doesn't make much sense either. So, Asa tells Lilly it was un-Persian of her to reject MJ, and Lilly reminds everyone that she welcomed MJ to the party (just not the dinner) after she texted a late RSVP. MJ chose NOT to go.
Asa and Reza stress they had more fun at Mike's brother's graduation. Mike says it's because Lilly doesn't consider them friends. Lilly responds, "I don't." Asa snaps, "There it is." Asa really needs to get over herself. Why would Lilly consider these horrid people her friends at this point? Andy tells Lilly that she did, in fact, end up in the "no friends zone" this season. The zone is obviously controlled by Reza's monthly cycle.
Asa lays into Lilly until she cries. She doesn't think Lilly ever opened up to her or the others. Lilly insists they never afforded her that opportunity, adding, "It's like Mean Girls!" Asa claims she welcomed Lilly with open arms. Reza pats himself on the back for being Lilly's first Shahs of Sunset friend. Oh pahleeze. He threw MJ, his best friend, under a bus because he thought Lilly was going to buy a house from him. Once he realized 1) Lilly wasn't buying a house and 2) fans hated him, he went crawling back to MJ. Asa says to Lilly, "We all agree – you don't want to be friends with us, you want to be on Shahs of Sunset."
Now, MJ goes after GG for making out with Shayan at Lilly's party. You know, that party she didn't even go to!!! GG reacts. Loudly. Attempting to shut her up, MJ claps her hands.
GG snarks, "You don't have to go all Tango on me." Mike finds this hilarious. If looks from MJ could kill, Mike would be deader than Reza's popularity.
Back and forth between MJ and her fake apologies and GG and her calling out MJ's fakeness we go until MJ apologizes for real. I think. But the warm moment doesn't last long. MJ, purposely trying to push GG's buttons, brings up Leila. GG snaps. MJ tells Andy that GG hasn't changed at all. MJ and GG argue over who has rights to Leila and who is uglier/prettier. Oy. Does this preschool have naptime? Because I'm exhausted.
MJ never. stops. talking. So Andy asks GG for her side. GG tries to talk, but MJ interrupts, "What are you talking about?" GG: "I'm not talking to you!!" MJ: "Shut the f–k up." GG: "Shut the f–k up!!" MJ: "You're so low class." GG: "You just told me to shut the f–k up and I'm low class, you stupid bitch?" MJ: "Yes." Andy decides this is the perfect time close the Bravo bar and invite Leila to the stage. GG storms off and begs a producer for alcohol. Reza pouts because he can't have any wine.
GG returns, says she likes that Shahs of Sunset is her thing, alone, and calls her sister a famewhore. Leila claims she's not trying to steal GG's thunder. GG is like, huh? Then why did you ask to be on the show? Leila, unable to think of anything better, asks GG why she wants to be on the show. "It's MY show," yells GG. "I'm a CAST MEMBER." Leila rolls her eyes and insists GG's always been jealous of her.
Looking for her class? Croissants?
Andy asks Leila and GG to say one nice about each other before Leila leaves. Leila loves that GG spent time with her after her marriage fell apart. GG says she knows deep down that Leila would be there for her if she needed her. I say, I love that Leila's walking off my TV. In the end, despite the insults, MJ and GG say they love each other. ROFL! I have a headache.
Setting up part two of the reunion, Andy asks about Mike and Reza's business partnership. MJ, always seeking attention, falls back into her chair and sighs. Mike wants to compare notes! He claims he owns real estate and shares in a car wash chain, saying to Reza, "You own one condo in Adam's name. You don't own sh-t." Then Mike points out the Reza hasn't been a top selling agent since 2011 and calls him a miserable back stabber.
Reza's ONLY response to ALL of that? "Mike's broke."
Mike continues to bash Reza. MJ rambles on about absolutely nothing. Reza denies everything. Mike says he'll never trust Reza again, adding, "I love him like a brother – but he's such an asshole. You can mend a friendship but it will be never be the same." Wow. Where did this Mike come from?!?
Next week, Reza blubbers all over the food. Yummy.
TELL US – YOUR THOUGHTS ON THE REUNION? WERE YOU SURPRISED BY ALL THE NASTY FIGHTING? BEST DRESSED?
Photo Credit: Bravo