Last night on Real Housewives of New York the fallout over Aviva Drescher's accusations against Carole Radziwill's writing career continued. I know you readers wish us to be non-biased and blithe, but I can't do that here – I am squarely on Carole's side in this one.
We pick up where left off in another one of Aviva's garishly painted rooms where she and Carole are arguing over whether or not they are psycho or writing their own books. According to Aviva, henceforth known as "Avicious," the "word on the street" is that Carole didn't write hers. 'Word on the street,' like the machinations Aviva creates in her mind while walking down the street? Word on the street is also that Carole's fiction book was a flop in need of serious re-writes. Word on the street is also that it takes a village to write a book. Again, that's only the word on Avicious street.
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Apparently Aviva is attempting to refashion herself as a legit writer, a purveyor of witty bon-mots about her real life. In short, Aviva wants to refashion herself as Carole. Carole complains that the only thing Aviva has done in life is raise children so she can't possibly understand the implications of a career being slandered. It goes back and forth with Aviva shrieking that the Kennedys don't like Carole either.
Carole loses it at this point and calls Aviva a liar, and a bitch. They stand up and the argument spills out into the stairway – I couldn't tell who was trying to get away from whom; it just circled around and around – crazy insults thrown onto a tilt-a-whirl. Aviva sneers that Carole is 50 and doesn't have a husband. Carole calls Aviva a sociopath. Oddly the image consultant appears under the pretense of checking out the kids bedrooms – or was she checking out the damage her client, Aviva, had already done to her image?
The whole time they're fighting two things were swirling through my mind: 1) Thank God Carole wore flats – it lessens her chances of falling down the stairs. 2) Aviva is wearing apricot colored pants and in passing looks pantless. She was also wearing the same shoes from leg-on-the-floor-gate which gave me a flutter that THIS was the moment when she takes the leg off and flings it! It was not, but what a christening the abode that would be!
As they finally snake and tangle their way down stairs, Carole at one point grabbing Aviva's face and sarcastically comparing her to Joyce Carole Oates, ("She writes a book in a day," Carole announces to the badly decorated stairwell – and Amanda, the badly dressed image consultant with cocker spaniel hair), the remaining Housewives quickly sectioned off into factions.
Pinot Singer had fled, claiming that all the screaming was harshing her buzz, but in reality she had caused this whole altercation and was worried she'd have to answer to the both of them.
Aviva holds court with Sonja Morgan, Image Consultant, and temporarily Kristen Taekman who looks frightened. Welcome to Housewives, lady. Don't tell me she wasn't prepared after a decades long friendship with Brandi "Can't hold my wine or my whine" Glanville?!
Aviva drones on and on about how Carole is so "unsupportive" and elitist. "She's not a well-wisher," Aviva seethes, which what does that even mean? Aviva parrots that writers don't write their own books, it takes a team to write a book. Which no, real writers write their own books. Hemingway wrote his own books. Jonathan Safron Foer writes his own books. Margaret Atwood writes her own books. It did not "take a village" to write War & Peace.
People who don't write their own books include celebrities and wannabe celebrities who think they are interesting enough to have something to say. People like Aviva, who used a ghostwriter and for some odd reason thinks it lessens her credibility to admit that she did. She's not a writer, unless you count her emails. Word on the street is they've been nominated for a Pulitzer!
On the other side of the party Carole is hyperventilating to Heather Thomson, who is dressed like the crazy lady who reads your fortune. Kristen comes over clutching a drink and admits she doesn't know what to think. Carole tells her to watch out for Aviva. Then she tells Reid, Aviva's husband, to watch out for Aviva. Then she finally meets Harry Dubin. She shakes his hand and announces, "Now I understand your divorce," before skuttling out the door. It was perfect. A ghostwriter – or Aviva – couldn't have written it better themselves!
That Carole – she's not a well-wisher!
Away from bookgate, Sonja is interviewing interns. She slinks into her townhome dressed like Holly Golightly all grown up, which is pretty much the perfect incarnation for Sonja. Truman Capote (word on the street is he didn't write his own books, by the way!) couldn't have written the sequel better himself. Here is Holly, 20 years later, after a husband has moved on leaving her with the rags of finery and Cat living eons before finally being enshrined on the mantle. Anyway, Sonja plays the part perfectly – she should put it on her resume, right beside MILF, "because the colleges like that". They book her for appearances in the classic role of MILF.
The new intern is told her duties include chronicling Sonja's adventures on social media – even the adventures that land her pantyless and in compromising situations – and performing CPR on dogs who have drown in the pond. Do they teach such things essential at Miss Porter's?
Pinot invites Heather over where they discuss her impending trip to Africa. Yes, Pinot is planning to terrorize another continent with her activities. She will be competing with actual turtles in dancing competitions. But her primary concern is the penis-size of elephants. Speaking of penises, her primary concern is probably what Mario is doing with his while she's out of town. It rivals turtle time.
Discussing bookgate with Heather, Pinot is flippant. I mean all this book hootenanny over a book – who cares! Ramona fails to understand the implications of what Aviva is lobbing at Carole: that her career is a fraud. Heather is shocked that all of the sudden Pinot has spun the bottle, switched it up to tequila, and is now on Team Avicious.
Ramona tucks into a bottle or two of pinot and starts preparing Avery for prom. It was very sweet and very real. Avery looked gorgeous and it's hard to imagine she started on this show at 12 when Ramona's antics were just flash in the pan at the crazy still to come.
Carole does a damage control scene with her editor to prove that not only does she write her books, she actually spends a long time crafting and perfecting them. Unlike the joyful afternoon Aviva spent having a conversation with herself through iChat and called it a memoir. "I'm so special! No, I'm so special – have you seen my hair?! And what of my yellow wallpaper?!" Perhaps that is what's wrong with Aviva. #CharlottePerkinsGilman
Carole throws a baby shower for her friend Lori who is going about pregnancy the new-fashioned way: with a sperm donor. After some difficulties opening wine and some further difficulties making Ramona understand that it was not a cougar club (no satin halters from the Vicki Gunvalson Collection, please!), Sonja shows up. She is bringing vodka and diet pills – which is quite frankly the most perfect push present I can think of!
Carole sits down with Ramona and explains her perspective on the Aviva drama, relating it to Ramona and how horrified she would be if Aviva insinuated her career was essentially a joke. Ramona seems to get it and then tells us the only thing Carole has in her life is her work because she isn't married and had no children. That seems a little harsh – Carole seems to have a full life, even without the entanglements of children. And she has custody of that tiger print sofa that used to belong to Lee Radziwill, so there's also that!
And now we're back to Aviva and her village. Good lord – does it take a village to make her sane? More like a country! She's doing a photoshoot in Central Park for her book cover. Resident model and pretty girl Kristen arrives to over-see things. Aviva is talking loudly about villages and I wonder if Ramona can take her to one in Africa. Word on the street is Aviva thinks turtles are cute.
After some photos of Aviva looking awkward and stiff in the grass, Kristen tells it to her straight that she came off as jealous of Carole and insulting. Maybe it's easier to hear the truth from people who are so pretty because Aviva didn't really react. Then Kristen points out that Aviva isn't really a writer.
Aviva bristles – she's written a lot of stuff. Like she wrote in college. She writes text messages. And one time she had an essay published! She didn't specify that it was published in her elementary school newspaper and it was a piece about seeing wild horses on Chincoteague Island in 5th grade. "Right," Kristen continues, "So I didn't know that, but I have to go. J.Crew is having a sale on chunky necklaces and I need to stock up." Aviva calls after her, "A-ha! I've reviewed a lot of J.Crew stuff on the internet. See – I write!"
Kristen ran out of that park a lot faster than she ran Spartan Race. Each equally scary however. Yes, Kristen competed in a Spartan Race, whatever that is, and it seemed horrible. She's on a team with her husband Josh, Heather, and her husband Jon. Kristen didn't want to do the race and begged Josh not to leave her behind. And of course he does. There's mud and ropes and barbed wires and gladiators.
Kristen is really upset that everyone on her team bailed leaving her to swim through the mud and muck, which thankfully hid her tears. She worries she'll cut her face on the barbed wire and ruin her career. She just feels so alone. When she nears the finish line the rest of her team cheers her on, but Kristen channels all her adrenaline into anger and freaks out on her husband. I get it – that course was draining, her emotions were running high, she only did it to support her husband who promised he'd stay with her but bailed. Josh is unsympathetic and snaps at her to, "man up." These two are so uncomfortable on camera! Very awkward.
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
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