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Last night was part 3 of the Real Housewives Of New Jersey reunion and it was officially the end of an era. Teresa Giudice, headed to prion in a few scant months, told Andy Cohen this was probably it for her – she meant it – she seemed at peace and ready to move on. “I 80% regret doing the show and 20% don’t,” she admitted.

Teresa didn’t go into why she regrets it, but I think we can all surmise that one of those reasons was sitting to her left in a white dress, and the other two were backstage pretending to be pure of motive, while eating cannoli, and the third one was in the green room having his 5th or 6th glass of rotten egg smelling wine; tawking too loud and laughing a bit too convincingly like everything was OK. Now sure, Teresa is mostly sowrry she got caught defrauding banks, but I think she’s mostly mostly sowrry that she’s realized how much she has to lose. Mostly her dawters – she wishes she could take them with her because she’ll miss them so much. 

Teresa says her favorite memory on the show was Audriana being born in season 2. And when she gets out of jail she doesn’t think she’ll be back – instead she wants a cooking show. I do not think Teresa will be back. I think she will get a spinoff, of that I am positive. Will she take that spinoff? Who knows. Yes, she’s broke. And I also think this the perfect time for Bravo to wipe the slate clean and completely start afresh with all new women. Sowrry Melis

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Dina Manzo is also done. She said the negativity was too heavily resting on her soul. I imagine that feels a lot like when you wake-up to your cat sleeping on your head, suffocating you. Or maybe it feels like being wrapped in a thousand false intentions, like playing zen but then having a closet full of designer shoes, bought by the husband who probably never loved you, collapsing on you while you’re meditating in front of your shrine of 2 legged-dogs and hairless cats wearing sequined bathrobes?

So enough of those two – let’s talk Jim Marchese. Jim is Jim and the more he spouts about ethics of ethicalisms and the character of his content being reflected not in his twitter but in the eyes of the law that only sometimes deems him a an ethicalizer, the more I realize that he’s basically just like Dina. Or Jacqueline. Come to think of it I think he may be Jacqueline in disguise?

Jim explains why he wasn’t able to hang out with Teresa and Joe Giudice during filming but whatever he said that could have been legitimate was undone by him repeatedly calling Teresa “Teressssa” until Teressssa Aprea had to remind him that they are different people with different names. Sure – it seems to make no sense, but Jim should be comfortable dealing in things that make no sense. You say Teresa, I say Teressa – let’s call the whole thing off! 

Melissa Gorga lectures Jim on how “real families” protect each other and stick together. Teresa was giving side eye so hard I think she popped a blood vessel. As always, Melissa needs to stop acting holier than thou – none of us started watching RHONJ yesterday! 

Jim and Bawby bicker his alleged cheating on Nicole Napolitano and if he was trying to set Amber Marchese to be attacked at his house by the twins. Bawby leaps out of his seat to yell but I just kept waiting for “Fiiiiiiigarrrroooooo” to come out of his mouth. And “Objection!” to come out of Jim’s. Why do I feel like Jim thinks this reunion is like the courtroom portion of Law & Order? Andy eventually tells Jim he’s pretty rude, and Jim is like ‘Yeah – I know.’ We’re dealing with another Juicy character here! So Jim is Part Juicy-Part Dina, aka Lord help us all?

Jim whines that he’s been getting hate faxes at his work and constantly harassed. He asks if the other husbands get hate faxes  – none of them do. Joew and Joew don’t have works – unless you count trash trucks and trash reality shows. But even if they did get them there faxes, I doubt they would be able to read them. 

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We have to talk about the stupid. rumor. about. TerESa’s. family. Teressa is only blaming Teresa – not Victoria, not Amber, not Jim. Just Teresa. Let’s be honest – Teresa isn’t even responsible for her OWN actions (Helllow!), let alone those of Victoria or Jim!

Teresssa brings it up every chance she can – even when it’s not relevant. Teresa betrayed her as a friend and tried to destroy her family. It was ridiculous. Teresa wonders what we all wonder: if it’s not true, why not laugh it off?

Of course, proving how deep is the well of her delusion, Teresa encourages Teresssa to use Melissa as an example, like how she laughed-off strippergate. Teresa?! What show were you participating in?! Oh man, am I gonna miss the densitude of this broad. 

Jim says he repeated the rumor in Florida because he was drunk and he thought it was too ridiculous to be true. He’s more disgusted by the cowardly Bawby hiding in the bathroom and the cowardly Rino hiding in a house 2 miles away. Rino, surprisingly, offered quite an eloquent and polite explanation to all involved: he told Teresa that Teresssa was mostly hurt that Teresa didn’t immediately state that the rumor seemed ridiculous upon hearing it from Victoria. I found myself liking Rino a lot. 

Not more than I like Juicy, who at one point told Jim he was violating legal code 450-78-F-5 about rumors and drinking. Oh Juicy – you fake the law so convincingly. 😉 

Jim and Bawby bicker about the demise of their friendship. Amber explains the hurt Jim felt at losing that relationship. Bawby claims that’s all part of the “Marchese spin machine” – sounds like that’s a match made in Heaven for RHONJ!  Teresa compared it to her friendship with Jacqueline ending – too many lines crossed to ever go back.  

Bawby says Jim was trying to buddy-up to Nicole and Teressa in Florida to turn them against him. Nicole whines about Bawby calling her stupid – but she acts stupid, sorry Dumb 2. And so does her twin Dumb 1. Still – Bawby shouldn’t have called his “girlfriend” stupid.  Jim tells him to find a bathroom to hide in – Teresa can escort you. 

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Of course, beating a dead My Little Pony is simply not enough for Teressa, who has to bring up the rumor constantly. It just goes on and on my friends, like the spray tan that never ends. Some people started saying it, cause Bravo paid them to, and now TerESa just keeps saying it to get attention from me and you. Well – I’ve had it! Like the bottom of a bottle of Fabellini that is all flat and syrupy – it’s done! This rumor is the stupidest thing on RHONJ – and that is really saying something. 

They replay the clip of Teresssa saying “clink-clink” and every time they do, Teresssa loses a fan. Teresssa feels like she’s in the Wizard Of Oz and she should ask the Wizard for a brain. She needs to ask the Wizard for more than a brain – try a personality transplant, a boob reduction, and a storyline.

Which is the only reason she is dragging this rumor through the mud again and again – it ain’t because her mama is crying or her father – the ex-con – had his delicate sensibilities offended. It’s cause girl wants some camera time. She actually said Teresa intentionally spread the rumor because she was jealous Teresssa’s family was getting so much attention on RHONJ. Teresa and Andy both almost burst out laughing. “I am the show,” Teresa snapped. “And when an empire is destroyed, it gets built back stronger.” 

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On that note, we go out. Teresa – you said you’re going to use your time in prison to become a better person, well prove it. Come back stronger. Teresa said she and Joew were just trying to earn a living (from defrauding banks and breaking the law?!) – and it all went bust so she has to start over. I truly hope Teresa grows and learns from this experience. We’re on your side – so no more excuses – use the prison counselor wisely and do some Hook’d On Phonics courses to learn to read. Teresa wants her daughters, Joe, Dina and even Andy to visit her. I’ll go.

This is also the opportunity for Bravo to learn and grow, to rebuild the fallen empire that is RHONJ and to start fresh – and come back stronger. 

Then everyone recaps what they’ve learned this season. Here is what I learned: Santa looks younger and fresher than her dawters – tanning and plastic surgery work in reverse. White eyeliner is the spawn of Satan. Jim is as dense as a GorgaDice and sees no fault in his stars. Bawby wishes he were a Lifetime Movie. RHONJ needs to DESPERATELY recast. And dicktionaries are only useful if you can read in the first place. I also learned that, bless my heart, I still love youse Juicy.

Oh and Milania acts up on camera because she is begging someone to free her from the clutches – Emancipate Milania Now – she just wants a loving home, where they’ll let her eat pizza breakfast, lunch, and dinner and she won’t have to share the spotlight with her parents’ felonies. 

And finally, this reunion would have been a lot more interesting if Victoria Gotti had shown up. 

TELL US – WHAT IS THE FATE OF RHONJ? WHERE WILL BRAVO TAKE THIS SHOW FROM HERE?

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

 

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