The waves came crashing down on Real Housewives Of New York. There were so many rules of engagement and disengagement, I’m not sure who broke what and if they used an icepick or a d-ck. Between Class With The Countess, How-Tos With Heather, and Bossing By Bethenny there was just a whole lotta lecturing going on. Ladies – just stop being so uncool and let Ramona Singer get her groove on.
Things resume at the F-U dinner, but the only thing they’re feasting on is each other and still fighting about whether or not an F-bomb is an acceptable way to pepper a conversation. Dorinda Medley starts sobbing. Heather Thomson rushes her to console her in the bathroom, but here comes Ramona, all gold lamé and I want it my way, wedging herself between Heather and Dorinda. Dorinda is RAMONA’s FRIEND – Hands OFF!
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How many Housewives egos can you fit in a public restroom? The answer is none. Heather tells Ramona to get the F–k out which is appropriate given the context. Back at the table Kristen Taekman‘s eyes are rolling on a loop because what else is a girl to do with all that 3-D crazy? Luann de Lesseps denies causing an argument, she was just offering Heather friend advice. Luann is a layyyyydeeeee and a Countess, she would never f–king curse… Oops – Freudian Slip. Luann – we see you drop the f-bomb like it’s a pirate’s trousers!
Sonja Morgan explains that this is Luann’s style – Countess Collection Spring/Summer: she starts a big fight, then gracefully backs away until she’s on the beach in some hot guy’s arms, while everyone else is stranded in quicksand. Luann is a strategist when it comes to Girl Code. Girl Code ala Napoleon, anyone?!
The arguing gives the ladies a second wind, so it’s drinks and dancing for the floozies, but Carole Radziwill and Heather go back to the house.
The next morning, Heather wakes up naked, because she sleeps in the nude (with Carole?! Call me confused?) – strolls into the bathroom and notices a male derriere in the bedroom next to her. It seems that someone smuggled some booty home. Someone also left their M-Su pill case on the counter, which I’m sure was filed to the brim with estrogen, Centrum Silver, and basal dilators – don’t let menopause stop a mama from partying!
Manbutt make Heather angry! You Won’t Like Heather When She Angry. SheHulk Smash! Grabbing her second in command, Carole, Heather is on a mission to discover who this booty belongs to and why it’s not with its rightful owner! Finders keepers, ladies, amirite?!
Storming through the house Heather and Carole first accost Dorinda on the stairs where she is bleary-eyed in her leopard-print maillot. They demand to know who smuggle in the man, but Dorinda has never heard of this thing called “man” – is there one in her suitcase? She’s just looking for her contacts.
The funniest thing of all is that Heather assumed Sonja Morgan was the culprit and her immediate instinct was to blame Lady Morgan. She barges into Sonja and Ramona’s room to berate a still-sleeping Sonja, who points to Ramona. Heather yanks back the curtain and screams at Ramona to wake-up, but Ramona, groggy and half-drunk from her bedroom gymnastics the night before, is in no mood and blames Luann.
Then Heather barges into Luann’s room demanding an explanation. Luann admits to enjoying the company of a man, but sent him home. It was RAMONA’s pinotgoggle who was ditched in Carole and Heather’s room. Cue Heather bursting into tears. And Carole continuing to freak out about selfish bitches.
Luann strolls into the kitchen, looking all calm, cool, and collected even while hungover, wondering when Heather turned so uncool? And when the Countess is on vacation, she’s cool, not uncool! I get that Heather was shocked to find the guy and yes, I would be pissed if I found some random naked passed out in the room next to me sharing my bathroom. Especially, because yes, the ladies all had valuables – Manolos and Louboutins and Gucci – oh my! – but crying, tantruming, destroying a friendship?! Too much!
Luann tells Heather as much which prompts a lecture from Carole about how unsafe the situation is. This coming from the woman who admitted to taking drugs at a club then puking in the backseat of a cab into the lap of some guy she met at Luann’s the previous weekend. Mmmmmkay. Sonja is blasé about the whole ordeal and explains that poor Ramona is just a total novice at this whole one night stand thing, it’s a learning curve and under the tutelage of Sonja she’ll soon be PinotGoggling like a pro. Ramona admits nothing – get her hair wet, steal her wine, cut up her macramé and douse it in Skinnygirl before setting it on fire – she’ll never tell!
Prettttty, unassuming Kristen gets the real scoop: according to the house manager Luann’s hook-up was actually married. Luann seems shocked, but tries to play it off, classless with the countess style.
Back in NYC, Carole meets Bethenny Frankel for breakfast and fills her in on all the gory details. Bethenny is salivating – as any woman would be when confronted with such delicious gossip! She’s impressed Ramona got some, unimpressed Ramona left some, unsure of Dorinda, and tired of Ramona’s holier than though attitude. When Dorinda arrives, she is a sheepish about flipping out on Heather, but says when grandma doesn’t get her daily nap and her Geritol martini, her grannypanties get in a bunch and the gangsta comes out. Basically, Dorinda had a case of the too much vacation meltdown. I believe the Berenstain Bears have a book about that!
Unfortunately the ladies will next be encountering each other to bedazzle jeans to auction of for SmileTrain, a charity Kristen is supporting. This, worryingly, will involve hot glue guns, icepicks(!!) and scissors. The timing is perfect because Bethenny has a bone to pick with Kristen over discovering that Kristen talked about her in the press. Kristen gets a little loose-lipped after too many drinks, and instead of berating people about their mothering abilities or proclivity for cursing (Bad Housewife!) she spilled the beans on how Frankel has been behaving like a raging megalomaniac bitch during RHONY tapings. The quote is something about not judging a book by its cover, for instance the book may be titled A Place Of Yes, but its content is A Place of No.
Bethenny is furious because her enemies will use this against her. Bethenny – this is not GOT. This is RHONY and your enemies are already using it against you – to your face.
Later Carole, Heather, and Kristen go workout their mouths in exercise gear and Kristen clarifies her comment. She explains that although Bethenny was hard to get to know, underneath she’s a big old softie and less of a bitch than one would imagine. Covering Your Ass 101 – Don’t Be A Sonja And Get Caught Pantiless With Your Pants Down!
Speaking of which Sonja is just on cloud nine over how all these girls are misbehaving and for once she’s out of the hotseat! Her commentary this episode – priceless. I soooooooo love seeing a composed, good-natured, and quick-witted Sonja hilariously throwing it in these girls faces.
The bedazzling party is in some guy named Manny’s apartment. He’s wandering around eating pizza while the ladies glue his coasters to the pants and lunge at each other with glue guns. The charity is called SMILEtrain, but ain’t nobody smiling.
Bethenny is chilly Kristen, Luann is furious at Heather and Carole, Ramona is sucking up to Heather by announcing that she’s wearing YummieTummie jeans. Heather isn’t speaking to Singer-Stinger, until she gets an apology. She’ll have better luck prying Ramona out of those jeans than she will prying a sincere apology out of The PinotPoligizer.
Right from the get-go the ladies go at it. Bethenny confronts Kristen, demanding to know why she is talking about her to the press if she wants to be her friend. Kristen’s response, “Who says I want to be your friend anymore?” Touché! And really – Bethenny was completely over-reacting, but instead of sobbing in the corner, she and Kristen went in the other room for a civilized chat. Kristen admitted she was drunk when she made the comment, regretted it, and again said it was meant with no malice. After yelling at Kristen for 45 minutes, then barking, “It doesn’t matter! It doesn’t matter!” Bethenny got over it, managed to bedazzle some jeans WITHOUT slapping a Skinnygirl logo on them, and was out the door.
Bethenny did not take the drama (or the icepicks) with her. Luann decides now is the time to confront Heather because she cannot concentrate on bedazzling when filled with seething rage. She feels Heather and Carole were hoping to catch her in the act of playing Bad Countess when they barged into her room in T&C, and she resents that they were so presumptuous as to storm in making accusations without so much as a knock! After all, what if she had been hanging from the chandelier with a man on her back?! Then Heather would have seen another naked guy she didn’t know – escandalé!
Heather insists they knocked. Carole denied they cared about Luann’s hook-up. I don’t know what this argument was about. Heather was upset with Ramona but took it out on Luann, it seems, because Ramona is a lost cause.
Luann just wanted Heather to admit to over-reacting and blaming the wrong girl, which Heather wouldn’t. Luann claims Carole later apologized to her and admitted they were disrespectful, but when confronted with Heather present Carole denies this. The whole fight was about RAMONA’s rude and selfish behavior, but where was Ramona? In the other room, smirking, as she hot-glue gunned feathers on seat of her pants. Ironic considering she was getting tarred and feathered by her fellow-Housewives.
Back at the table, Sonja jokes that Carole said Lu’s married hook-up had a small penis, and Carole looks like she could do some damage with an icepick. Ramona half-heartedly apologizes to Heather, and Heather beams and apologizes to RAMONA over-reacting, but doesn’t say anything to Luann. Luann leaves and Heather turns her wrath on Doridna. Or maybe it was the other way around? Dorinda and Lu spoke the night before, and Dorinda told to Lu she should be pissed about being barged in on, or something, so Heather blames Dorinda for causing the fight with Luann.
Dorinda starts going gangster, then leaves. I want her jacket.
Kristen, suddenly looks up – she’s been concentrating on gluing pearls to her jeans in perfect ratio – and with a satisfied smile, announces, “THERE! – Perfect. Wait – where did everyone go?” This is probably unpopular, but I respect Kristen more and more each episode: 1) she’s a sneaky one – she got the goods about Lu’s guy being married; 2) she argues with class. She handles business without ever getting nasty or too personal.
Also that statement necklace Kristen was wearing at the bedazzling party – that thing doubled as a weapon. She knew Bethenny was coming for her and she was all, back away slowly B – the K is large and statement necklace in charge. Subliminal Messaging. Girl Code ala Goopy Paltrow.
TELL US – DID HEATHER AND CAROLE BREAK GIRLCODE, OR DID LUANN AND RAMONA? DID BETHENNY OVERREACT TO KRISTEN?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]