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Does anyone care about Christy McGinity’s supposed contusion/confusion/collusion anymore? Good! I thought so. Let’s move it along to other matters then, Little Women: LA, shall we? There are, like, 64 babies to be birthed up in here! On this week’s episode, we see Jasmine Sorge join the mom-to-be-party, while a pregnant Briana Renee digs her delusional heels in deeper defending hubby Voldemort Matt Ericson (Grundhoffer).  

After Matt forbids Briana from even telling her friends the location of hospital she’s in, she signs off from her jail cell. Elena Gant and Preston are staying out of this mess as much as possible, likely to focus on the birth of their twin boys and Elena’s precarious health (she was diagnosed with preeclampsia). Though some might fault these two for not getting involved in the Bonnie & Clydetastrophe, I say: good on ya! No one, and I mean NO ONE, dips their toe into that sewage pile without walking away smelly. Briana is not changing her mind about Matt, and Elena seems to understand this. Hey, she’s Russian! She read Anna Karenina…maybe.  

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At the gym, Jasmine and Tonya Banks are feeling the burn. Tonya tells Jasmine that Kerwin is “on his way.” Which is to say, he’s been convinced to move in with Tonya to make her feel loved. Or maybe Tonya’s been so scared straight by Briana’s situation, that Kerwin seems like a safe bet? The interwebs is frightening! There are Matts lurking behind every Tom, Dick, and Tinder swipe…

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Jasmine reiterates how betrayed she feels by Briana and Matt, who she supported when no one else did. Instead of feeling like a poor judge of character (which she is), Jasmine claims it’s all Briana and Matt’s fault for suddenly being EXACTLY WHO THEY’VE ALWAYS BEEN. Tonya’s like: whatevs. If Briana can write her own family off, then obviously she can do the same to her friends. Little Boss is out!

Wanting to make peace, Elena gathers the girls for dinner to fill them in on Briana’s health situation. Terra Jole, Christy, Tonya, and an insanely jealous Jasmine join Elena. Jasmine can’t believe Elena is now playing the role of “supportive friend” – that was supposed to be her idiotic choice role! But while Elena is actually trying to support Briana (with boundaries), Jasmine seems more interested in the title. Her newfound huffiness over The Many Misdeeds Of Matt is almost laughable among a group of women who have literally spent multiple seasons trying to knock sense into Briana’s head. Jasmine’s like the newest hire on a factory line who’s freshly outraged with employee conditions, preaching to a group of wizened union vets who have been fighting big business for decades. She needs to find a new audience.

Christy is conversely in full frontal attack mode when it comes to Briana. She’s been communicating with Briana’s family, even passing along info on Matt’s alleged sexting with transgender model, Plastic Martyr. Tonya urges Christy to climb out of that toilet, but the drama-loving Christy never met a scandal she didn’t want to be the center of! Plus, with no baby storyline this year, she’s got to barnacle herself on to someone.

Terra, of course, agrees with Tonya. She claims Briana’s family is also reaching out to her, but she simply doesn’t respond. Terra and Tonya are, in a word, done. Jasmine is just beginning her rage ranting, though, losing her mind at the table about Matt’s cheating, Briana’s safety – oh, just everything we already know. No one can stand to hear it anymore, so Jasmine finally just stomps out of the restaurant in a huff. Jasmine might be rethinking her role of matron of honor on Briana’s suuuuuuuper depressing “Ride or Die” wedding these days. But somebody had to show up for pictures

Christy is out shopping with her mom for doggie beds (why IS her mom in every bloody Christy scene this year!? The desperation is real.) They discuss Briana, and Christy defends her communication with Briana’s parents. Christy can’t get a hold of Briana though, wondering if Matt is deleting Christy’s texts. Probably. Christy’s mom comments, “It’s disgusting of an man to take pictures of their wiener.” Snort! Christy’s mom will now be playing the role of Captain Obvious in this season of LWLA,

At Jasmine’s, she and hubby Chris are assembling furniture. He’s still unemployed, but hopeful that a railroad job will open up locally soon. He doesn’t like depending on Jasmine, but she’s okay with him being a stay at home dad for a while. Chris seems sweetly agreeable, if not a little disappointed. Jasmine talks to Chris about her health, which is always an issue. With her type of dwarfism and hypothyroidism (hypo or hyper?), a runny nose can even be suspect. But she does want another child, so she wants to see what she can do to make her immune system stronger. Chris gets teary listening, promising her’ll do anything in the world to keep her healthy. You know, this Chris has always seemed like a stand up dude. #TeamChris #EdgingOutPreston 

In direct contrast, we see Briana escorted home from the hospital by her hideous choice in a life partner, Matt. She’s on a walker, very pregnant, and recovering from a bowel obstruction that sent her into early contractions. Her health scare terrified her, nearly taking her or her baby’s life. Matt laments his fear of losing either of them while Briana tears up over the frightening ordeal. Briana claims she didn’t want her friends or family there, despite it being a LIFE and DEATH situation. Huh!?!?!? Isn’t that exactly when you knock down the walls of family strife – during a critical situation such at this?

Matt snaps that he reached out to Christy initially to give her the details of his pain Briana’s incident, but Christy has since taken it upon herself to communicate directly with Briana’s family. According to Matt, her family then started threatening Matt via text about having him “whacked.” Hmm. I’d assume that text could have been from anyone! #UniversalSentiments Briana is convinced her family and friends are dead to her now more than ever. Matt is her sole support. Just the way he planned it. 

Today’s the day! Kerwin has ditched Anonymous Lady Friend and is moving his possessions to Tonya’s. She hops up on his truck to inspect his stuff, which she’ll have the last word on. But Kerwin drops a bomb: he’s planning on being “roomies” with Tonya until he knows things are 100. Has she cut Jaa out of her life? Well…kinda. Jaa was Tonya’s business partner and he still has ties to their joint venture. Kerwin wants a life that is completely Jaa-free though, so Tonya needs to get her sh*t back from Jaa – whatever it may be. 

Whoa! Someone knocks on Briana and Matt’s house of horrors door. Who could it be? Nancy Grace? Dateline? No. It’s Jasmine bearing flowers, who barely tolerates Matt’s face before scooting past him to sit down on the couch with Briana. Jasmine’s hurt by Briana’s stonewalling; she says Briana is her “number 1 girl.” But Briana knows Elena and Preston have bigger fish to fry than bother with her pathetic drama always been supportive, so she chose them to reach out to.

Briana gushes that Matt is the best husband evah! Like the nose-and-a$$-wiping in the hospital kind. But is he the kind that is cheating on her between nose and a$$ wipings? That is the pertinent question, m’dear. Jumping right back into sh*t stirring mode, Jasmine low key b*tches about Christy. Briana is fuming mad at her, and plans to cut her out of her life for good. 

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Before the Christy smackdown, a nice moment. Jasmine surprises Chris in bed with a plate of doughnuts and a note: “Eat up! My mommy doesn’t want to be the only one with a  belly! – Our New Baby” Chris is overjoyed, and they hug in celebration of the good news. Whether he knew beforehand or not, he seems genuinely happy in this moment. They’re both hopeful for a healthy and happy pregnancy. Wishing them the best! 

Back at Tonya’s, she toasts to Kerwin and her. Their daughter, Angelique, has some ground rules though: like NO having sex while she’s in the house! Tonya’s all, “Girl, get some earplugs!” But the more pressing matter is whether they might get married. Kerwin says if Tonya is good, they might. Tonya says it’s up to Kerwin to be good, not her. She claims this relationship is “forever” and that Kerwin is indeed the love of her life not a sloppy rebound from Jaa. Angelique looks skeptical. 

In a lighter scene, Terra and Jasmine go for spray tans, where Jasmine reveals she’s pregnant. Terra seems thrilled for her and the two of them kibitz on babies and play dates future. Jasmine is happy to be friends with little people who are pregnant, something she didn’t have in the past. She’s nervous about Chris‘ employment situation, but she’s okay being the breadwinner for now. Terra sees Jasmine as a kindred spirit in a community of strong powerful women. 

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Cut to a beautiful park, where some shady sh*t is about to go down, ala Bonnie and Clyde. Christy has been summoned! The three meet to discuss Christy’s meddling in their family affairs, something she is simply not apologetic about. She’s scared for Briana, thinks Matt is still out there sexting his schlong to anything that breathes and has a smartphone, and has completely turned around from her “unconditionally supportive” stance of last season. Briana also thinks it’s sketchy that Christy has hired her former publicist.

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Christy is dangerous and must be stopped! thinks Briana, who needs to reassess the actual sources of danger in her life. She, in fact, doesn’t even want Christy to have her new address or phone number. Matt also accuses Christy of passing along Briana’s hospital info (and phone numbers!?) to Briana’s family, who sent a flurry of texts threatening to “cut body parts off” Matt as a result. Hmm. This is all because of Christy? I just CANNOT with these two any more.

Yes, Christy is a drama queen, a sh*t stirrer, and a nut. But if Matt’s getting, er, not-so-nice messages from Briana’s family, it’s likely due to his own despicable behavior. Which is ongoing, publicly flaunted, and privately dangerous to Briana, Leiana, and her unborn child. I have to ask the question again that I’ve asked, oh, a THOUSAND times already; Where is Leif, Leina’s father!?!?!??!? (Is he being paid by Lifetime to keep a lo-pro? WTF!?)

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Christy, just collateral damage in the Bonnie and Clyde saga, fires back that she’s disgusted with Matt. “He didn’t do anything,” an eternally clueless Briana defends. After Matt finally skulks away, Christy urges Briana to contact her family. But Briana feels betrayed by Christy, who is in cahoots with the enemy now – her own damn family. Briana also wonders if Christy hired her former publicist to get inside dirt on her. A move I wouldn’t put past Christy! But Briana is repeating Matt’s words here, no doubt. 

Christy reiterates that she cares about Briana, whether she hates Matt or not. She also launches a rocket right into the middle of this convo: Matt is still doing his dirt out there with other women. Briana denies it, but Christy just snarks, “If you guys have an open marriage, then that’s your thing.” Briana wonders why the hell Christy jumps to these weird a$$ conclusions? “Because you kinda have a weird a$$ husband,” retorts Christy. HA! #CrustyForTheWin! 

Having had enough, Briana says she’s done with Christy forever. “You’re dead to me,” says Briana. “Fine,” answers Christy, fleeing the scene before things can get any more deranged. Briana and Matt are left totally alone, just as they designed it. Christy wishes them luck as she walks away. Something tells me they’ll need more than that.  

TELL US: ARE YOU HAPPY FOR JASMINE AND CHRIS? IS KERWIN MOVING IN A GOOD IDEA? WHO’S SIDE ARE YOU ON: BRIANA’S OR CHRISTY’S? 

Photo Credit: Lifetime

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