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If you were Jorge (not that I’d wish that on my worst enemy), at what point would you perhaps think, “Hmm, maybe this sham of a marriage isn’t quite working out?” The thought certainly didn’t enter his mind when Anfisa shut down his phone, keyed his car, made him sleep in the garage, physically assaulted him, or threatened divorce. But on last night’s 90 Day Fiance, Jorge does have a moment (like, a single second) of clarity after Anfisa kicks him out of HIS OWN APARTMENT mere days before her green card is issued.

In Ohio, Danielle accuses Mohamed of being a gigolo. But he’s too busy on the prowl for American victim girlfriend number two. Russ and Paola continue to be a sad mess – as do Chantel and Pedro. And in riveting news, Loren and Alexi shift their focus from talking about strippers to crying about Tourettes.

We pick up with Jorge being screamed at via phone by Anfisa, who’s pissed he left without telling her – but will be even more pissed when she finds out why. He’s at the lawyer’s office hoping to draw up a post-nuptial agreement that suits him, not her. Because he doesn’t want to die (today), Jorge goes home. When he gets there, Anfisa refuses to let cameras in, so Jorge fills them in when he re-emerges: Anfisa packed his sh*t and kicked him the eff out! He plans on going to a hotel, where he should check on monthly rates. “It’s pretty crazy that all of this is happening right around the green card [time],” sighs poor, dumb, blind Jorge.

90 Day Fiance Recap: We Got Bad Blood

In Florida, Loren and Alexi are at dinner trying to make nice after their stripper argument. Loren likes “Israel Alexi” better than “America Alexi,” so they’re considering moving back to Israel. First, Alexi’s mom will be coming to the U.S. for a visit though, so Loren will have to pretend she’s happy and useful until further notice. Maybe the Tourettes Association of America will hire her? She seems to think so.

Also living out her dream is Danielle, who’s moving into her new trailer. Her daughters are happy to start over, but are wary that their deeply troubled mother hasn’t let Mohamed go. Also, Danielle’s new “boyfriend” lives in her mind out of state, so they don’t have to contend with a new train wreck – yet. Danielle’s daughters are sick of the Mohamed drama, fully supporting his deportation. I mean, seriously – they have enough to deal with having Danielle for a mom, who’s already sobbing tearlessly into the camera about Mohamed “leaving her.” Groan.

In another fairytale gone wrong, Russ and Paola are pretending to be blissfully happy in Miami. Both unemployed, they walk the beach with Russ yelling at every guy who looks at his wife while Paola just giggles and struts her stuff. These two are doomed. But before they crash and burn, please enjoy a little sunset picnic spectacle! Russ wants Paola to see reason about their unsold house in Oklahoma and their slim chances of work in Miami. But Paola is stubborn. She wants Russ to bartend if he must – to support her non modeling career, of course. Her ticket to Miami was, is, and will always be one-way.

Poor Mohamed. He’s also in Miami, complaining that he just can’t find a good woman. He’s only attracting “crazy women” like Danielle ever since he broke up with her. Aww. Hey, Mohamed – Maybe don’t marry chicks for a green card? On TV? Just a thought! (Also, maybe don’t look for a woman at the very moment you’re about to be deported. It sort of sends a message, if ya know what I mean.)

Alas, Mohamed is finding women. In tank tops – just like him! The lucky lady’s name is Diamond, which does not sound like a stripper name AT ALL. And she just loves the way Mohamed throws frisbees. It’s totally authentic, people! She “gets” him! She wants to meet his friends! Oh wait – he doesn’t have any. Maybe she can take a spin in his Uber? Or maybe they can even drive to Ohio to meet The Very Rational First Wife? Until then, I’m sure Danielle will at least love the selfie Mohamed posts of Diamond and him. She usually takes that stuff reaaaaalllly well.

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Back in LA, Jorge is chillin’ in the hotel contemplating the state of his balls life. Instead of holding on to his initial anger, he’s going to buy 99 roses for his blushing bride. He can’t blame a lady for regularly going ballistic on him, especially because he’s a world class liar – and a bad one, at that. When he shows up at home with the gigantic bouquet, Anfisa lets him in. Progress? Maybe, because Anfisa deigns to touch the flowers before asking him where he’s been. She’s sick of him creeping around, lying about his whereabouts (and bank accounts), but does admit she overreacted. Whoa! Is she taking some responsibility here? I need to rewind. Okay. She is! Now it’s time for Jorge to do the same. Instead, he just takes her to bed though – because, in the end, that’s all he really wants out of this relationship.

Since she’s opened up about having Tourettes, Loren wants to capitalize on it. She meets with the Tourette’s Association of America, where she hopes to score a gig. The two shady reps who listen to her spiel agree that Loren would make a great “brand ambassador” for them. Whether or not she’ll get paid for this honor remains to be seen. When the reps tells Loren that Tourettes is hereditary though, Loren’s smile fades. Loren’s dad told her it wasn’t passed on to children, and that’s what she told Alexi’s parents too. Now, she’s got to process this news. Which she could have found out in a single Google search.

It’s time to torture Russ some more, so Paola invites him out for drinks with her friends – not yet including Russ Hater #1, Juan, who Paola knows from Colombia. Before that fateful night happens, Paola’s girlfriends get in formation to assess the situation. Then they start talking smack in Spanish, followed by mocking Russ’ cowboy boots – just to make him feel like the 5th wheel he is. Basically, everyone present is openly laughing in his face – including Paola. “Baby, I sometimes forget you’re here!” she giggles. It’s awful.

Back home, Loren and Alexi prepare for Alexi’s mother’s arrival. Alexi wants his mom to move to the U.S., especially after he and Loren have kids. But before they host mom, Loren tells Alexi about the Tourettes info she learned. When she divulges that the condition is hereditary, Alexi is shocked, while Loren defends that it’s not a 100% chance that their children will be affected. Great timing! Alexi turns to his phone to research the issue in more depth, which is what both of them could have done at any point during the past year. But then they wouldn’t have a storyline, soooooooo…carry on, newlyweds! To that end, Alexi sulks in his chair while Loren goes into the bedroom to cry.

After she has a good cry, Loren talks to Alexi about the issue again. Alexi sticks to his guns: He’ll blame himself – and Loren – if their children have Tourettes. He can’t help but feeling fear, even if Loren doesn’t want him to. But she just wants him to accept her for who she is, warts and all. He does, but having a natural fear of the future is a normal response too. They hug, perhaps realizing that they feel the same, but their communication (as always) is off.

Speaking of bad communication, Chantel is still trying to make Pedro and her family BFFs. After his super fun b-ball outing with River, Pedro is hesitant. And Chantel is still deluded in thinking it’s up to Pedro to pay for her mistakes. But this gal’s gonna try anyway! So she and Pedro head over to Chantel’s parents’ house to help them pack. And I have a special news alert for you: Chantel’s mom is not wearing a cowgirl hat. It’s a big deal. Also a big deal is making River like Pedro, says Chantel, who wants him (and his tragic new hairdo?) to come to their second wedding in the Dominican Republic. Pedro reluctantly says he wants him there too, but only if he can keep himself in check – for once.

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It’s the big day for Anfisa! No, not her wedding day (that tragic sh*t already happened). Today is the day she gets her green card. But first, she has a little screaming to do at Jorge for 1) his lateness, 2) his not retrieving her makeup bag, 3) his navigation skills and 4) his mere existence.

As the horrific couple fights all the way to their interview, which will ironically assess how “in love” they are before issuing the card (LOL!), Anfisa speaks her truth: “I’m going to get my green card. And I’m going to leave you.” Again, Jorge chooses to take this ONE HUNDRED PERCENT HONEST THREAT as a joke. (Um, Is Iyanla free? Can she please come fix his life? NOW?)

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Hahahaha! Thinks Jorge, who imagines his wife as a harmless jokester rather than a heartless grifter, which she’s made very plain to him from the start. Jorge reserves his nervousness for the interview, which will ask him questions he might not have answers to (like: Is your wife a spy? or: Do you fear for your safety on a daily basis because you should?). But wait – no sooner do we see the couple march in to get the card, then they’re marching out with it in hand! Anfisa’s prayers are answered. Now, she just has the perfect murder to plan and she’s all set.

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After their meeting, Jorge wants to know whether Anfisa will make good on her promise to leave him. She of the dead eyes says flatly, “Oh. It was a joke.” Jorge is like, “I like your sense of humor!” which is like telling a tiger who just broke free of its cage, “Sweet claws, man!” This dude is a hopeless case. End of story.

Out for sushi in Atlanta, Chantel asks Pedro if she can have a bachelorette party. He’s like, Que? Since Pedro’s seen Chantel’s antics on the dance floor, which include grinding up on random guys, he’s unsure about letting her off the leash. In fact, he doesn’t want her to go clubbing at all – with or without him. He also doesn’t trust her friends. Chantel argues that she totally won’t do anything, mmmmkay? Also, she always does what she wants when she wants to, so Pedro will just have to suck it up. He tells her to go ahead. He knows he can’t win this battle – plus, maybe he’ll get a bachelor party out of it.

A little farther south, another couple with massive trust issues plans their future. Paola tells Russ that Juan is in town visiting his boyfriend, and she wants to get Russ and Juan together. So Juan can haze him on camera? Good plan!

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Before that mess can go down, we travel back up to Ohio, where Danielle is ready to freak out at Mohamed for posting photos of himself on social media with Diamond. Hey – but she’s totally over him, right? Right. Before the call, Danielle sent for backup in the form of Beth, who feeds Danielle’s monster by agreeing that Mohamed moving on with “skinnier, prettier” women is hurtful. Um, what about Danielle’s new, awesome, out-of-state boyfriend? WE NEED PICS OF THIS PERSON.

“Hello,” starts Danielle, “Um – do you know who this is?” Cut to Mohammed answering the call in police precinct, literally filling out paperwork for a restraining order. (Kidding! But seriously.) She complains about the photos, to which Mohamed responds that she’s just jealous. “I’M NOT JEALOUS!” screams Danielle, who then accuses Mohamed of being a gigolo who’s d*ck will fall off if he keeps this up. Or if he doesn’t get medical treatment after sleeping with her.

“Are you drunk?” wonders Mohamed, who argues that he can post any pictures he wants, and that he is sick of Danielle dragging him on social media. Danielle deflects, saying she lost her family because of him. He counters that no, she lost her family because she took money from them. Oh snap! Suddenly confused by the truth, Danielle looks to Beth for her next line. But Beth is all, “Just hang up!” One mess can’t clean up another.

Snatching the phone herself, Beth yells “You’re a liar! Go home to that poor country of yours and reunite with the family goat! Clear?” Danielle grins at their little ploy, which in her mind, worked. Sigh. If Mohamed thinks he’ll ever be free of Danielle, he’s deluded. And if Danielle ever thinks she’ll have a “friendship” with this hustler, she’s psychotic. Theory: Maybe these two just need to get back together, forever taking them off the market for other, hapless folk out there? You know, like isolating a contagion!

It’s the night of Chantel’s bachelorette party and, after witnessing the Danielle/Anfisa drama of this episode, there’s really not much worth reporting. Chantel and her friends crack open the champagne, pass around sex toys, and ignore multiple calls from Pedro. They head out to dinner, at which Chantel answers production scripted questions about her family and Pedro not getting along. When Pedro finally gets Chantel on the phone, he reminds her not to drink to much, then hangs up. In response, Chantel downs a goblet of booze before she heads to the club, where she only grinds up on her girls. So, it’s all good?

Decidedly NOT good is Paola and Russ‘ night out with Juan and his boyfriend. Ready to rumble, Juan shades Russ right out of the gate, but only at Paola’s prodding. She talks sh*t about her husband’s “look,” so Juan naturally follows suit. They obnoxiously giggle about Russ being fat, with Paola backtracking that no, no – he looks great! But she’s a sh*t starter, that one. It seems Juan will be her mouthpiece for the night though. Russ then asks Juan how he feels about his relationship with Paola? Juan flat out says that he doesn’t respect their relationship, and that Russ has turned his best friend into a boring woman who he’s been too controlling of. Oh – and he also thinks Paola just married Russ for a green card!

It’s all just…gross. Paola acts innocent as she translates Juan’s vitriol, but she’s complicit in this – make no mistake. Having finally had enough, Russ gets up to leave (without Paola). But given his doormat status in this relationship, he’ll likely never leave the marriage itself. Unless Juan drags him off by his cowboy boots.

TELL US: WILL ANFISA LEAVE JORGE NOW THAT SHE HAS HER GREEN CARD? WILL DANIELLE FOLLOW THROUGH WITH THE ANNULMENT, OR DOES SHE WANT TO HANG ON TO MOHAMED FOREVER? SHOULD RUSS LEAVE PAOLA?

Photo Credit: TLC

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