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You know, many of us have wondered if there’s just something missing from this summer’s 90 Day Fiance. Since we’re looking at the “Happily Ever After” lives of already-married couples, the usual drama of whether or not these confused souls will get married (not to mention whether they should) is obviously absent. Then again, we do have Jorge and Anfisa, Danielle and Mohamed, and Russ and Paola to keep the drama intense – if not a bit recycled. Instead of wondering if they will or won’t wed, we’re left to wonder how long until they’re dead divorced. In any case – I’ll take what I can get. Because no matter how guilty I feel for watching this divine mess week after week, year after year, I just can’t quit this show!

This week, Chantel finds out that Pedro has been sending more money home than her unemployed a$$ is comfortable with, Danielle verifies that she did indeed consummate her marriage with Mohamed <dry heave>, Loren and Alexei talk to Alexei’s mom about Tourette’s, Russ and Paola try to get past their night with Juan, and Jorge’s sister, Lourdes, attempts an intervention on her deeply deluded brother. To absolutely no avail, of course. But hey – you can’t blame a gal for trying! Anfisa takes this whole scene very well, by the way, meaning that she refrains from stabbing anyone with a steak knife in public.

We begin at the moment Russ walked out on Paola and her merry band of haters at a Miami club. Instead of sticking up for her husband, Paola just pouts that she can’t believe he walked out after being cruelly hazed by the entire table! Outside, Russ calls a friend to complain, then argues with Paola (who finally stomps out to chase him down) about Juan. She doesn’t see his perspective, just screaming that he should have her back no matter what! Yet she doesn’t have his…? Hmm. Interesting arrangement.

Back home, the couple continues their middle school argument. Russ reminds Paola that she came to the U.S. of her own free will, yet now she’s acting like she’s been conned. Um, no. Russ may have been, though! “Do you support our relationship?” Russ yells. Paola doesn’t have an answer. Russ hopes she comes back down to earth soon, because their future in Miami (or anywhere on the planet) is not looking good.

In Florida, Alexei and Loren are preparing for Alexei’s mom’s arrival. Fresh on the heels of their discussion about Tourette’s being hereditary, the couple feels anxious about telling Alexei’s mother the news. He has calmed down a bit since his initial reaction, but still wonders if Loren (and her parents) were whitewashing the truth. His parents had outright asked whether the condition could be passed down to children, and Loren’s parents had vehemently said no. But why would they not have the correct information on a condition their daughter had suffered with for so long? It’s suspicious at worst, and naive at best.

At the airport later, Alexei hugs his mom and looks genuinely thrilled she’s arrived. Yay! Back at the apartment, everyone settles in, waiting for the right moment to broach the topic. Until then, they enjoy the sunset together in peace.

Uh-oh. The doomsday music is playing! That must mean it’s time to check in on Jorge and Anfisa. As Jorge drives to the lawyer’s office again, he ponders his lonely life. His family has become distant since he married his torturer, but his sister, Lourdes, readily agrees to have dinner with him when he reaches out. So methinks it’s Jorge who’s created the distance, no? Maybe he needs witnesses to the bruises Anfisa’s inflicted on him recently.

Speaking of bruises, Anfisa hauls off and hits Jorge AGAIN as they wait for their appointment. Wait – How did she get there? And why is she not being arrested for domestic violence right this second? She’s now been filmed TWICE striking him, or at least trying to, and Jorge’s quick defensive moves seem to indicate that he’s become used to this treatment. MY GOD. This woman is going to poison his Gatorade!!!

But back to why Anfisa strikes Jorge (other than her psychotic rage): She finds out he’s meeting Lourdes later, and she’s not having it. After her outburst, Anfisa demands they leave the lawyer’s office immediately, stomps out, then refuses to continue filming. I demand that the lawyer come out and represent Jorge in a case of domestic battery RIGHT NOW! Damn.

Back in Miami, an equally ill-suited – yet decidedly less violent – couple are waking up to reality. Or at least to sobriety. Paola claims she doesn’t remember much from the previous night, so Russ fills her in. When she hears the details, she again berates him for leaving her behind – whah! She needs to be coddled even when being a raging b*tch, apparently. She also wants to remind the viewers that “Miami Pao” is the real Pao. The Oklahoma version was just a sham, I guess! Russ doesn’t seem to care because he just kisses his wife, petrified that she’ll leave him if he discontinues being a doormat.

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Next we venture to Ohio, where Danielle and sidekick Beth are visiting a lawyer to discuss the annulment. The lawyer lays out the process ahead, which includes pre-trial, trial, and the need to find just cause for an actual annulment to be granted. Danielle’s single-syllable reply to all of this is, “Fraud.”

But fraud is tough to prove, says the only educated person in the room lawyer. For instance, did Danielle and Mohamed consummate their marriage? (Please don’t make us hear details of this! For the love of God!!!) Danielle says yes they did – but only once, three months after their wedding day. Now she thinks Mohamed did the dirty with her (emphasis on DIRTY) just so fraud couldn’t be proven. If only she could have withstood his ravenous sexual advances! Oh my! Pah-leeeeeeez, girl. As if Danielle wasn’t locking him in rooms, forcing him into bed under the threat of death.

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So Danielle thinks of other avenues by which she can get the marriage annulled. Maybe Facebook posts? Um, no, says the obviously frustrated lawyer. Annulments are rare, and it’s likely she won’t get one. But this lady doesn’t know Danielle like we do. She’ll never stop. NEVER.

Back down south, Alexei and Loren are showing Alexei’s mom, Natasha, around town in hopes that she’ll eventually move to Florida with them. They meet up with Loren’s mom to pontoon around the harbor, imagining a life of riches. Taking her mother aside, Loren questions why she’d always told her Tourette’s wasn’t hereditary? Loren’s mom says she was always “led to believe” it wasn’t. She reminds Loren that it’s not a given that her children would inherit the condition anyway, so why divulge unnecessary info to Natasha? Loren still thinks she needs to say something, especially given Alexei’s strong reaction to the news.

In Atlanta, Chantel is still living under the delusion that she’s a bride-to-be even though she’s already married. Her janky bachelorette party is over, but now she’s got issues to face at home. She and Pedro discuss the party, which made him nervous, especially since he couldn’t get a hold of her most of the time. “We didn’t do anything!” says Chantel through clenched jaws. But Pedro just wants more communication. He does get a kick out of the trifling penis paraphernalia that Chantel was gifted, though. So it’s all good.

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Since refusing to film, Anfisa has now decided to accompany Jorge on his meeting with Lourdes. Oh – and she doesn’t feel bad about hitting him! Jorge admits, “I do feel scared of Anfisa,” which is perhaps the most rational thing he’s ever said. After they arrive at dinner, Lourdes side-eyes the woman who’s got Jorge’s balls in her purse, assessing whether her brother’s life is at risk. It’s been nine months since she’s seen Jorge, and she wonders why he’s staying away.

Jorge mumbles something about being busy, which Lourdes immediately calls bullsh*t on. Anfisa defends that Jorge’s family doesn’t know her. She sees no need to get close to them, however, since they’ve already decided they hate her. “I don’t have to prove anything,” says Anfisa, “I don’t need to impress anybody.” But Lourdes wonders why she married Jorge if she doesn’t want to be part of his family’s life?

Lourdes also can’t stand seeing the way Anfisa speaks to Jorge, but this chick has NO idea how Anfisa is treating him 24/7. If she did, she’d already have the 9-1…pressed into her phone. Lourdes then questions Jorge’s prenup, hoping he’s protecting himself. Anfisa thinks that’s Jorge’s business, not his sister’s, which is actually a solid point. She also points out the fact that Jorge promised her many things which he didn’t deliver, but Lourdes just shrugs it off. She thinks Anfisa should be happy to have food and shelter. “But sometimes he doesn’t even have money for that!” defends Anfisa. Lourdes needs to know that there are two sides to this pathetic story, but is understandably concerned more about Jorge’s sad fate than his role in co-creating it.

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Fed up, Lourdes finally calls Anfisa out on marrying Jorge for his money (or lack thereof). She snarks at Jorge, “So, when you have money, that’s when she spreads her legs?” At that, Anfisa forces Jorge to leave, never planning on speaking to any of his family members again. He’ll just have to send up the bat signal if he’s in crisis!

As Jorge is silently marched to his car like a prisoner of war, Lourdes cries. She just wants her brother to live through this ordeal, but it’s anyone’s guess how long he’ll survive.

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Back in Miami, Russ looks for a job outside the oil engineering industry. He consults with a head hunter, who takes a look at his resume and basically tells him it’s impossible to find a job in the drilling industry in south FL (duh). He’ll also have to lower his salary expectations, and likely start in another field from ground zero. When he goes home, Russ tells Paola the hard truth, but she doesn’t want to hear it. He’s willing to move outside of Miami for job prospects, but she is not. End of story. Her chances of making it in the modeling industry, but the way, are less than zero – yet she still has the upper hand here. It’s beyond ridiculous.

In his apartment, Mohamed reacts with fear and sadness to the travel ban President Trump announced earlier this year. He’s still arguing that he came to the U.S. for the “right” reasons, which is laughable, but now he’s even more scared about the threat of deportation. To quell his fears, Mo meets with some random chick named Olesia who immigrated from the Ukraine and looks like she supports her meth habit self by dancing on a pole. So, she should be a legit source of info.

A nervous Mohamed complains about Danielle giving him a hard time even though he’s a totally stand up guy! Olesia surprisingly does offer words of wisdom to Mohamed: Stay clean, stay out of trouble, and keep quiet. If he’s not careful, he will be deported. She almost got deported over a half a joint, yo! Mohamed repeats his tired mantra, “But I did nothing wrong!” Keep telling yourself that, dude.

Also living in fantasy land is Chantel, who thinks Pedro owes her a new ring with a $4,000 diamond in it. Because his dishwashing wages should just about cover that sh*t. Shocked at her greed, Pedro is like, “That could buy a car in my country!” He wants to keep Chantel happy, but she needs a reality check. He may also need one, though, because apparently he spent over $2k on a gaming system AND sends money home to his mom every month! Eeeeek. In the end, Pedro agrees to finance the ring, if only to keep Chantel’s whining at bay. But wait – It’s not a happy ending for these lovebirds when Pedro’s credit doesn’t get approved. His immigration status affects his credit, so Chantel will need to finance her own ring in the end. It’s the circle of life on 90 Day Fiance, ya’ll!

In a similar theme elsewhere, Paola and Russ are financing their new furnished apartment by draining their savings account. Russ cheers their fresh start and doomed relationship while Paola chirps that their new place is “beachy!” Also, Juan wants to see her again. But if he’s not ready to apologize, Russ wants nothing to do with him. Paola just rolls her eyes, knowing she’s going to get whatever she wants in the end.

Nearby, Loren and Alexei are ready to tell Natasha the truth about Tourette’s (which weirdly sounds like a PSA now that I type it). After they tell her, Loren breaks down in tears when Natasha questions why they didn’t tell her initially. Natasha also cries, confessing that this news is unsettling and sad. Instead of letting Natasha process the news in peace, Loren makes the moment all about her pain, crying that “it’s too hard, it’s too hard!” before locking herself in the bathroom.

Natasha runs after Loren, then tells Alexei it’s just “hysterics” before Alexei, himself, tries to coax her out. After she returns, Loren tells Natasha that she this topic is tough for her, and she hates to think that their children will struggle like she has. If they do though, at least they’ll have a mom who understands. Natasha agrees, offering that she’s glad Loren and Alexei have each other to get through life’s difficulties. Aww. Natasha wins the sweetest mom award, for sure. 🙂

After ring-gate, Chantel and Pedro are focused on wedding #2. They FaceTime with Pedro’s mom, who’s chillin’ in her new apartment – which Chantel had NO IDEA Pedro financed. Apparently, Pedro’s been sending his mom more money than Chantel is aware of, and this is not music to Chantel’s ears. Also disconcerting are Pedro’s mom’s additional requests: blouses, moisturizer, a TV, and a pony. Pedro doesn’t think he needs to tell Chantel everything, though. Or anything, apparently.

Chantel’s shock turns into anger when Pedro blows off her concerns, basically asserting that he’ll always put his mom first. She doesn’t agree. If anyone’s going to suck his meager funds dry, it will be Chantel, not Mama Fancy Blouse!

We end in Miami, where Paola has invited the horrid Juan and his boyfriend over, and where Russ pretends to be nice to the man who recently insulted him from head to toe. Paola tries to broker peace, which Juan wants no part of, but he half-pretend-apologizes anyway. Also, Juan looks higher than a damn kite right now. So he’s probably not going to remember one word of his non-apology and smarmy hug. Paola just giggles again, laughing that it’s just a “culture thing!” Sadly, Russ needs to realize that no – it’s more of a Paola thing. Until that happens, he might as well get drunk with these hideous people.

Oh snap – one last Mohamed tidbit! He’s now “building a case” against Danielle, which I assume is comprised of her financial mess and gynecological records. Danielle went to jail in the past for stealing a credit card, so Mohammed thinks using this information will prove that she’s the bad person – not him. But in the case of these two garbage pail kids, I’d say it’s an even tie.

TELL US: WILL RUSS EVER STAND UP TO PAOLA? CAN DANIELLE SUCCEED IN GETTING AN ANNULMENT? IS PEDRO SHADY FOR LYING TO CHANTEL? IS JORGE LONG FOR THIS WORLD? 

Photo Credit: TLC

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