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Oh. My. God. Mexico had no idea what was coming! Because when The Real Housewives Of New York decide to invade your country in the name of booze research, you need to erect a wall around them. Last night, Bethenny Frankel’s tequila-inspired adventure sailed right into crazyville, where Ramona Singer (whose face suddenly resembles a grated radish) took room-grabbing to new levels, Luann D’Agostino [de Lesseps] tumbled drunkenly into bushes and concrete patios, and Tinsley Mortimer accused her benefactress of being a traitor.

We begin with the group arriving in Mexico, where Bethenny already has the sh*ts – or the flu – or spontaneous diarrhea in response to staring at what little skin remains on Ramona’s face (courtesy of a chemical peel). Carole Radziwill is looking forward to Taco Bell and to congratulating herself on her matchmaking skills with Tinsley and Scott. They are an official item! The ladies play “marry, f–k, kill” in the car on the way to their rental, then take a gander at a stray d*ck pic Sonja Morgan received on her phone from a wrong number. If anything, this is an omen of things to come.

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The Mexico house is gorgeous and, more importantly, up to Ramona’s standards. Not up to her standards? Her assigned room, of course. So Ramona immediately ropes Sonja into finding the best room available. They’re perpetually living in a 1980s L’oreal commercial, endlessly repeating to one another BECAUSE YOU’RE WORTH IT! to justify their increasingly insane demands. Bethenny scolds Ramona on playing “the room game,” noting she’s sick of her being a “miserable, nasty tw*t” on every trip. To shut this fiasco down, she finally forces the women to choose numbers from a hat to determine rooms.

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Tinsley wins the best digs, leaving Ramona to sleep in the shed out back with the barn animals where she belongs. But then Tinsley graciously hands her #1 room over to Bethenny, kowtowing to the very woman who screamed “GROW UP!” at her last week. Oh, Tins. Go drink a few Tito’s and rethink your priorities, girl!

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But #RoomGate has just begun. Ramona and Sonja think Tinsley is a turncoat for giving her room up to Bethenny – not to THEM! I mean, Tinsley has benefited from everything that Sonja’s dusty stuffed animals and un-flushed toilets have had to offer these past many months. And now she dares not to repay her in kind? Harrumph! When the stink is raised, Carole reminds these two broads that every room in this house is gorgeous – so just STFU already! But STFU they will never do – not until they have won the prize, even if Sonja has to pull out stories of her mother cracking her hip on staircases to justify her need for a first floor room (WHAT the actual HELL, Sonja?!?!).

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Dorinda Medley finally resurrects Bethenny from her pre-vomit nap to call off the dogs. Wandering in to Dorinda’s (possibly temporary) room, Bethenny reminds these grown women of what six-year olds already know: “You get what you get, and you don’t get upset!” Even though Sonja admits that her own daughter would never act like half the obnoxious a$$ she does, she doesn’t give a rip! Ramona, Ramona’s partial face, and Sonja are not leaving without a fight. Ready to give up her room (again) to these maniacs, Dorinda nearly makes a break for it – but Bethenny is not having it. She’s about to go all Braveheart on these b*tches, practically shouting FREEEEEDOM! as she demands they calm the eff down and march their backsides to their assigned quarters.

But Ramona, now a$$ firmly planted on Dorinda’s bed, refuses to leave – even when Dorinda threatens to take her sh*t and throw it in the pool! Finally, tweedle-dumb and tweedle-facial-tics wander up to their assigned room. They’ll just have to take out their residual anger on the hapless house staff, who Ramona immediately starts ordering to plug in her electronics, unpack her curling irons, and make Earl Grey tea on the Queen’s schedule, por favor! The staff comply, silently communicating to one another about who shall be the first one to spit in Ramona’s pinot tonight.

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Downstairs, Bethenny takes to her bed while Dorinda forces Carole to learn the balloon game. Then the group gathers by the pool (sans Ramona, Sonja, and Bethenny) to regroup after having to take up arms against the gale-force windbags that obnoxiously blew threw the house. Dorinda hasn’t had her nap, so she’s thinking about skipping dinner. And I have to say, I feel ya, Do! Luann is not about to leave any marines behind, though, attempting to force Dorinda into action.

For her part, Tinsley is just scared poop-less about Sonja being mad at her. Bethenny joins the group to remind Tins that Sonja is not the boss of her – SHE is! Juuuuust kidding. But she does think Sonja is better off when she’s not with Ramona. It’s like a$$hole squared when the two of them get together. None the wiser, Ramona and Sonja laze by the beach in their chairs, kissing and complimenting each other on their awesomeness.

At dinner later, Bethenny is an hour and a half late for dinner…and is still the first to arrive. Upstairs, Tinsley shares an upcoming Page Six story (that she gets a tip on from a friend) with Carole, which is not too complimentary of Tinsley’s lackluster houseguest manners. Why this is a story is worth printing is beside the point; Tinsley thinks Ramona planted it. She can’t imagine that Sonja, who is her “friend,” would ever do such a thing. Carole thinks she might be right, but when Bethenny gets wind of it, she immediately points the finger at Sonja.

Proving all of their points, Sonja and Ramona are currently in their bathroom b*tching endlessly about Tinsley whilst they affix nipple covers to one another’s racks. Dorinda doesn’t show at dinner, and but super-drunk Luann has arrived to take Gangsta Do’s place! YESSSSS! When the group hears that Ramona is STILL upstairs doing her makeup, they wonder how, exactly, one applies foundation to raw hamburger? It’s troubling.

After Ramona and Sonja finally join the dinner party, Luann offers a toast of thanks to Bethenny for organizing the trip. Ramona butts in that “it’s a GROUP trip!” to which Bethenny retorts, “Why are you an a$$hole?!?!” Alas, Ramona doesn’t consider herself an a$$hole. She’s more of a truth-teller, in her mind, and just says “what everyone else is thinking.” Except when everyone else is thinking, “Ramona is an a$$hole,” I guess.

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No longer able to stay silent, Tinsley puts Ramona and Sonja on blast about the Page Six article. Ramona claims she avoids the press, and Sonja also defends that she’s innocent. But who cares? thinks Sonja. Tinsley’s been trying to get back into the press for ages, and now she is! Sonja would rather watch Luann’s eyes try to drunkenly track the conversation anyway, because, well – it’s delightful! It’s not every day she gets to see her Snatch Guard tie one on.

It’s also not every day that Tinsley gets to tell someone “Shut the f–k up!” – but she does just that to Ramona, who seems flustered for half a second by the fact that she’s just been yelled at by the Housewife equivalent of Bambi. “I’M A LOVELY HOUSEGUEST!” screams Tinsley, hopping up and down, hands flailing. Bethenny still thinks Sonja is Deep Throat. She loves the press, and loves to look good in it, so she probably leaked the story. But Sonja won’t confess, even if it is true – and even if Tinsley cries the very last of her tears into her cocktail over it, then storms off.

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Bethenny also thinks Sonja needs to get a Ramona-ectomy STAT, cutting that spastic tumor out once and for all. But Sonja will always stand by Ramona, which is sad considering how readily Ramona throws Sonja under the bus (remember last year?). Nothing she says will tear Sonja away from her co-conspirator – not even calling the pair of them “mean old ladies!”

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After wandering outside with drunk Lu (who I am quickly falling in deep, abiding love with – #DrunkLu4Eva!!!), Ramona tries to string words together about friendship and loyalty and blah blah blah. Luann drawls that she “loooooooves” Sonja! Just like she loves Tom! And Palm Beach! And dancing, mid-conversation! Which she does, promptly falling into the bushes as a result. LOL! Please, Wasted Luann, I beg you: Never, ever leave us. <red heart emoji>

But wait – Wasted Luann is NOT leaving us yet! Since Ramona has the emotional intelligence of a rubber boot, she decides to keep talking about her life’s woes while walking around the patio with Luann (or rather, propping her up). Until Luann loses her grip and her footing – but never her dignity! – falling a$$ over teakettle down to the sunken patio below. Not skipping a beat to register normal human empathy (Such as: Are you okay? Can I help you?), Ramona just obnoxiously chides, “You should have gone THIS way!” before slowly walking around to lift Luann off of the literal curb. Ramona = beyond comprehension. She’s either taken a master’s class on how to act like a bizarre lunatic at ALL times, or it comes naturally.

The Real Housewives Of New York Recap: Three Tequila…Floor!

And that brings us to the end of this wild ride. Can we just pause here a moment to reflect on how deliciously marvelous this episode is – and just how damn good RHONY has gotten these past few weeks? Is it just me out here clapping and cheering? I feel like the gang is back! Not to say we approve of all of these ladies’ behavior – no, no, no. But they came to PLAY. And I can’t help but love them for it.

*Writer’s Note: We had a tornado touch down in the middle of this episode and I lost my TV signal more than once. If a little (or a lot) is left out of this recap – my sincere apologies! I trust you’ll fill in the blanks in the comments section.  

*Editor’s Note: Erin wins the recapper dedication award. She not only lost her signal, but part of her roof, gutters, and deck! And still carried on and recapped this hot mess of a show. We’re so glad you’re safe and sound, Erin!

TELL US: DID SONJA PLANT THE PAGE SIX STORY? CAN YOU BELIEVE RAMONA AND SONJA’S ROOM ANTICS? IS DRUNK LU THE BEST THING YOU’VE EVER SEEN (SINCE DRUNK DORINDA)? 

Photo Credit: Bravo

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