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It’s been a slow march to the courthouse for Danielle and Mohamed getting to last night’s 90 Day Fiance finale, but they finally face off this week. In another humiliating confrontation, Jorge and Anfisa have a little business to attend to – such as, does he plan on paying her for services rendered, or will she also be heading to a courthouse to start divorce proceedings? Paola continues to act like she just met “conservative Oklahoma boy” Russ yesterday, and Russ continues to feign shock that his thirsty bride is a two-bit hustler sexy model. And Pedro and Chantel – well, just ugh. As they march delusionally toward the altar for round two, their equally dysfunctional families gather to celebrate the doomed couple.

We begin in the Dominican Republic, where the sad-sack music TLC used to reserve for the likes of Danielle/Jorge types is now being used on every single Chantel/Pedro scene. And rightly so. This family bonding trip has gone from “No thanks on the chicken feet!” to “Slut a$$ b*tch a$$ whore!!!!” in just under a week. As she gets her makeup and hair done for the ceremony, Chantel admits all of this to her friend and sister, but doesn’t get into details. Suffice to say, everyone hates everyone. But young, naive Chantel thinks that it doesn’t matter. Love will conquer all!!! Or they will get divorced in under a year.

All dressed up in his tux, Pedro finally feels excited. His mom and sister even tear up when they see him, visions of flat screen TVs and new condos floating before them. As Chantel gets her wedding gown on, her mom prepares for battle – should it ensue. She’s not playing around anymore.

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Still in New Jersey, Paola celebrates her first music video shoot, which gave her the opportunity to dance in clubs, lay on filthy sheets, and contract viruses we do not yet have cures for. In her hotel room later, Paola Skypes with Russ to confess that she wore lingerie in the video, showing him the “wardrobe” (term used loosely) while giggling. Surprise, mi amore! Russ is pissed. But what can he do? Nada.

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The day of the annulment is upon our fair couple, Danielle and Mohamed. As Beth chain-smokes in the getaway vehicle outside of the courthouse, Danielle and Mohamed face a judge inside. A judge who probably thought it was going to be just another day of your garden variety wackjobs and angry teenagers arguing their cases. Then Danielle and Mo walked in. This judge is a hero.

After an hour passes, it looks like things didn’t go so well for Danielle, who walks out crying, then tells Beth the news: The annulment is basically a no-go, so divorce is the only option. This will make it more difficult to get Mohamed deported, which is Danielle’s greatest wish, next to owning Mo as a sex slave. She’s been FRAUDED, ya’ll! Except she can’t prove it. She also can’t take the sight of Mohamed marching out of the courthouse, selfie stick in hand, still recording his ridiculous video for his “supporters.” (Who might these people be? Hmmm…)

But because this issue is really all about Danielle still wanting a piece of Mo, she decides to stomp over to his car to get in a final word. Beth cheers her on, advising her to “be clear and make it count!” This advice makes me question whether Beth has ever heard Danielle speak before. In any case, Danielle confronts Mohamed, demanding they meet to talk later. He basically rejects her, but that is like rejecting the rain. It’s gonna fall on your head whether you want it to or not. RUN, Mohamed, RUNNNN!!!

Since she’s the stalker who won’t be deterred, Danielle vows to hunt Mohamed down later for one final (ha!) throwdown. She also wants to yell at him for posting “I am divorced” on social media. Because she wanted to pretend she was married for another 24 hours? When Danielle sits her daughters down to tell them the news, they are relieved. This relief lasts only moments, though, because they are then sadly informed that their insane mother is going to chase Mohamed down once again to seek “closure.” Danielle doesn’t process how redundant and psychotic this is, not to mention hurtful to her girls – who she claims are soooo important to her. She is a dog with a bone, and she’s not letting it go – especially since it’s still holed up in a motel nearby.

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On to the next emotionally stunted mess! Yes, it’s time to check in with Jorge. In LA, Jorge drives to meet Anfisa in their apartment’s garage – the apartment he’s no longer allowed to live in. He’s got his $300 consignment bracelet at the ready, hoping it will buy win his wife back. Anfisa shows up in a little black dress, ready to hear Jorge grovel. He apologizes, then offers her his gift. “It doesn’t matter now,” says Anfisa, who just wants Jorge to stand up for her against his family. Jorge blames their problems on stress, but Anfisa presses him: What is he apologizing for? What is the issue here? Jorge has no clue. Perpetually.

“I’m glad you apologized, but it’s over,” Anfisa deadpans. Something tells me that these two have been broken up long before this moment, given how stiff they’re both acting in this scene. But Jorge does his best to carry the scenario out, asking when she stopped loving him and whether they have a chance of getting back together. Anfisa’s answers are: A while ago…and no. After stiffly hugging goodbye, Anfisa walks back inside while Jorge drives away to return that bracelet. He better have the receipt.

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In Miami, Paola comes home to an irritated Russ. Sigh. We are then forced to bear witness to the SAME argument they’ve been having for nine weeks now. Paola thinks Russ is irrationally paranoid; Russ thinks Paola is disrespectful. Both are correct, but they must be okay with this endless dynamic, or else they are eternal masochists. In any case, it’s tiring and stupid at this point. Move on, people! In an effort to do just that, Paola and Russ make up after their argument, but it will be only a matter of days (hours?) before this fight is recycled. As Paola notes, they’re two very different people with two different value systems – period.

Speaking of different values, let’s take a peek at Chantel and Pedro’s families as they gather in the same confined space to watch their children symbolically (and financially) tie them together forever. Should be just peachy! Chantel’s parents do at least have the decency to present Pedro’s grandmother with an exceptionally large bouquet of flowers in apology/acknowledgment for acting despicably at her house earlier that week. Grandma accepts graciously, and Pedro breathes a very tiny sigh of relief.

As the ceremony unfolds, the soundtrack turns upbeat, and the crowd doesn’t start pulling knives out – so, is this a win? For the moment, it appears to be. But despite the good feeling this day is bringing everyone – including Mama Pedro – Chantel and Pedro’s problems will persist as long as their values clash. In other words, FOR LIFE. In the mean time – good luck, kids!

After that happy-ish moment, we’re sucked right back into the festering boil of Danielle and Mohamed’s world. Danielle shows up at Mo’s rented room, ready to give him a piece of her very addled mind. Mo doesn’t even let Danielle in the door, so her fit will hereby be thrown in public! And she throws it with as much enthusiasm as she can muster, until Mohamed finally lets her in to finish it. Danielle claims she is an adult, while Mo acts like a child – especially considering his actions on “SHOSHAL media!”

Mohamed, now with divorce in hand, no longer feels the need to listen to Danielle’s lunatic rants anymore, so he calmly demands she leave. As she stomps out, she offers some parting words: “You are a jacka$$!” (true) “You used me for a green card! (yup) “You are the WORST mistake in my life!” (questionable)

Mohamed has some parting words of his own, though, which pretty much sum up his feelings about this marriage since day one. “OK,” he answers, “Don’t touch me, please.” And there you have it. Now, Danielle can start filling her duffle bag with more evidence to get Mo deported. And Mo is free to dupe some other random chick into paying all of his bills, provided her name is Krystal or Diamond or Teflon. He likes the creative types!

Next week, we’ll see who walks off stage – and what Anfisa’s current line of work is (!!!) – in the 90 Day Fiance Couples Tell All reunion. Pop your popcorn, folks! It’s gonna be a circus.

TELL US: WILL DANIELLE LEAVE MOHAMED ALONE NOW (HA!)? WERE PEDRO AND CHANTEL’S FAMILIES GENUINELY HAPPY AT THE WEDDING? WILL THIS COUPLE MAKE IT? ARE YOU SHOCKED THAT ANFISA ENDED IT WITH JORGE? 

Photo Credit: TLC

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