90 Day Fiance Recap: I Do’s And I Don’ts

You know what? I think we could all be excellent marriage counselors (at least to this wayward lot) after watching 90 Day Fiance: Happily Ever After for this long. Simple truths emerge in every couple’s twisted mess. Like, for instance, don’t marry someone you trolled on the internet for six months, outright lied to, then expect them to love you for your pathetic self (looking at you, Danielle and Jorge!). Or, maybe get to know each other’s families just a wee bit better before signing on the dotted line (cough, coughChantel and Pedro). And lastly, find out if your future wife has delusions of becoming a model at age 30 before your house goes into foreclosure and your career circles the toilet. Russ could have deduced these facts from a simple 2-question quiz, no?

Anyway, their loss is our ridiculous television gain! Because this week, we continue to watch three out of our five couples unravel in the most spectacular and depressing ways. In the endless case of Danielle and Mohamed, a courtroom is finally entered. And Walmart Tom is not invited. Paola lays down on a dirty bed in used lingerie for a music video, pondering whether Russ will be cool with it. Chantel and Pedro’s families continue to vie for most atrocious in-laws EVER, and Loren makes her debut as Tourette’s ambassador in D.C. (Hmm. One of these storylines is not like the others.)

In the Dominican Republic, Chantel has just called Pedro’s mom and sister every name in the book. They think she’s delusional and insane; she thinks they’re a pack of selfish b*tches. So, they get each other. But when Chantel goes back for more – with Pedro – they decide to additional more insults at each other. No matter what the original miscommunication was, Chantel thinks Pedro just doesn’t stand up for her, plain and simple. But he does manage to get his sister and Chantel to sit down for a hot minute, only to get schooled by mama and sister again. They think they deserve Pedro’s money, it’s their culture, and she needs to get with the program or divorce him. Sick of this hamster wheel, Chantel huffs off again. This is going nowhere, so what’s her next move? Well, she has none. She’s already married to this guy, so it’s his way or the highway.

Outside, Chantel wonders if they’re still going to go through the charade of this second wedding? Breaking down in sad/mad tears, she repeats that Pedro just never takes her side. He still wants to walk down the aisle again though, so he’ll be waiting for her. Along with the rest of the haters.


It’s four hours until Danielle and Mohamed’s pre-trial court appointment, and Danielle is suddenly making this whole issue about her kids – who have been systematically ignored, tossed aside, and tormented by Danielle’s self-inflicted disaster from the beginning. Interesting timing, Dani! Even the family cat is like, WTF, lady?

Mohamed is also ready for battle, telling himself that Danielle is the bad person, while he is an innocent victim. This is also laughable on every level. Then Beth visits Danielle before court, egging her on and listening to her ramblings like only the mutually deluded can do.


In New Jersey, Paola arrives to prep for her “big” Reggaeton music video, which can be described as follows: Girl lays on creepy bed in sexy outfit and smiles while holding old iPhone. It’s got #1 hit written all over it. Paola must carefully prepare for this layered, nuanced role overnight. She’s hoping to wear a Russ-approved sexy dress for the shoot, but the producer is like, um, no. Full stop. She’ll be wearing the consignment shop thong they give her, then she’ll take the cashier’s check for her work and like it! Paola looks nervous.

It’s the return of Loren and Alexei! And it’s not that exciting, but hey, let’s toss them one measly exclamation point. Loren is in D.C. to speak as a youth ambassador for the Tourette’s Association of America. She’s nervous, especially because Alexei isn’t with her. She’s also concerned that she might “tic” on stage, but given the varied cases (some much more severe) of Tourette’s all around her, one would think she’d experience nothing but compassion for them and gratitude for her own mild case. Of course, she makes it a big deal that Alexei “freaked out” when she found out the disorder is hereditary. To the credit of one parent she talks to, he doesn’t roll his eyes straight at her when she complains about this. And Loren does make an effort to reach out to hear other kids’ stories afterward, so good for her.

Back in the DR, Pedro and Chantel continue their endless drama – this time, without the cameras. But TLC’s crew will not be daunted in their task of recording this sh*tshow! Audio from inside their room reveals Pedro asking Chantel to go forward with the wedding, despite their families’ attitudes. Maybe everyone can just apologize? he thinks. As if that changes the enormous cultural and familial chasm between them – for life.


Back up north, Paola is on set for her shoot. She meets again with Chris Rondon, the producer, who hopes Paola’s husband isn’t going to be a problem for his video. He needs his paid model to wear what she’s given, but Paola knows that Russ won’t be on board with the lingerie they give her – nor the a$$-up position she’s required to wear it in. Quick question: Are we really supposed to believe Paola is shocked by this wardrobe request? I guess so, because before the shoot, she throws up – twice! Oy.

Finally acquiescing to the director’s demands, Paola drags her post-puking self over to the ratty bed and makes the magic happen. By magic, imagine Paola pretending to text on a phone, then cheese-smiling to the camera every three seconds. Another question: Couldn’t this crew have tossed homegirl a quick deep condition on that hair? It’s a bit…crispy.


Despite her “major concerns” <side eye> Paola gets right into the vibe, aided by the director’s super helpful comments about “going to get a Latino – no more white boys!” This is also something Russ will love seeing transpire. It’s all worth it, mi amore! Even the lice Paola has definitely contracted from this gig.

In D.C., Loren prepares for her speech. Before taking the stage, she gets a call from Alexei, who – SURPRISE! – has flown to be by her side. Aww. It’s actually very sweet (if not a bit enabling), and given the rest of these couples’ horrific marital trajectories, I’ll take it! These kids do seem very much in love.

Loren is of course thrilled to have Alexei’s support, and once she takes the stage, gives an honest, touching speech. Alexei beams with pride, then meets a mother and daughter who Loren connected with earlier. Alexei admits his worries about having children with Tourette’s, which the mother confesses isn’t always easy. But she says it can also strengthen a marriage, and no matter what challenges your children face, you will love them completely. Alexei appreciates these words, kissing Loren afterward and telling her how proud he is of her. She used to not talk about Tourette’s to her closest friends, and now she’s giving speeches. Go, her!


But, enough of that wholesome love fest. For now, we must travel back to Ohio, where Mohamed is video-recording his drive to the court house. LOL!!! He plans to record everything that transpires IN the court house as well (uh, is that even legal?). It’s basically Mo’s last ditch effort to prove he’s the honest Eddie of this zoo-crew. Just stopping short of wearing a “SHE’S THE BAD PERSON!” t-shirt to court, Mohamed’s tactics seem single-mindedly focused on deflecting all blame. We’ll see if the judge buys it.

Danielle and Beth, who are watching Mohamed Snapchat himself silly all the way down the sidewalk, don’t seem to think he’s got a chance. But his batsh*t recording schtick is doing just what it intended – i.e., making Danielle CRAZY before she even walks through the court house doors. Now she just has to keep that crazy tucked safely away in her duffel bag for the next hour or so. Which, for her, is next to impossible.


Photo Credit: TLC