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It’s hard to believe any host would sign up to sit down with the ne’er do wells of 90 Day Fiance, but Shaun Robinson is back for more! In last night’s Tell All: Part One, Shaun mediated the fights, accusations, and general delusion plaguing most of this cast. Specifically, Loren acted as mouthpiece for the masses by calling out Anfisa and Mohamed on their shadiness. But Loren’s missing a rather large piece of that dysfunctional equation – i.e., their American counterparts, Jorge and Danielle, who would both greatly benefit from securing a hardcore life coach. But if we had a cast with basic relationship skills, we wouldn’t have a show! And what a show it is.

Loren and Paola are apparently friends outside of the show, but the interesting characteristic of this reunion versus other reality TV ventures is that most of the couples don’t know each other one bit. They are in a similar position as we, the viewers, are when it comes to forming an opinion about one another. In other words, they get their info from TV. And in some cases, they NO like what they see! Also, some of the couples have scores to settle here, Jorge and Danielle being two of them. So when Anfisa and Mohamed barely drag their a$$es to the reunion on time, they give their exes plenty of extra time to stew. The stage is set for fright night, ya’ll!

As Shaun opens the reunion, she is flanked by all of the couples seated together with the exception of Danielle and Mohamed, who have obviously been separated at Mo’s request. Spitting distance is good for them. (Also, Mohamed walked in at literally the LAST second before taping, so he’ll get whatever seat is available and like it!)

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After tape rolls on the many arguments these past months have offered, Shaun turns her attention to Jorge and Anfisa first, who admit that they’re still broken up. Jorge can barely summon the words to describe the situation, but here’s the gist: Anfisa dumped him, and he is still dumped. Thus, he’ll be outing all of her deep, dark secrets on the Tell All. He also accompanied Anfisa to the show because he was afraid she wouldn’t have shown up alone. Anfisa says her piece first, which is that she’s always been honest about her intentions (true) and Jorge lied to her about who he was (also true). “I may not be the nicest person,” she says, but at least she’s not a liar.

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After vaguely threatening Anfisa with an annulment, Jorge calls his marriage a sham. But no sooner is the “A” word spoken, when suddenly Danielle is on the hot seat. She explains why she wanted the annulment, how Mohamed used her for a green card, and why she is the victim. She and Jorge should just ride off in the sunset together. Mohamed is sick of hearing Danielle whine, though, asserting that the foreigners get a bad rap on this show. WHOAH! Cool your jets there, Mo. Let’s just say you are ALL delusional wrecks. How’s that for equal treatment?

Alexei speaks to this point, arguing that he doesn’t feel bad for Danielle or Jorge, who both had their motivations for marrying their marks spouses.  But Jorge thinks Anfisa should be more grateful for all he did, saying, “I think it was a blessing” for her to come to the U.S. then live in a hotel while he sells pot all day. Anfisa thought these “blessings” would include the lavish lifestyle Jorge promised her though. Loren takes offense to this, snapping, “Anfisa, why don’t you go out and get a f**king job? It’s 2017!” Without missing a beat, Anfisa says that Jorge promised her she would never have to have a job.

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Loren then asks Anfisa if she’d be with another man who had more money than Jorge? Which is like asking a small child if she wants candy or brocolli for dessert. “Depends on how that man treats me,” answers Anfisa. To which Loren responds, “You’re such a b*tch! You’r like a serious gold digger.” Um, and her point is…? Anfisa basically owns that sh*t all day, everyday. But Loren hates Mohamed and Anfisa because they besmirch the K1 Visa process, thereby making everyone think it’s a big joke. Fair point. But, earth to Loren: These hot messes also rake in the viewers for your show, the premise of which is obviously about drama. Who’s gonna watch Loren and Alexei’s slow train to nowhere when we have a TRAINWRECK like the other couples are serving up? #CheckTheScoreboard

Though Loren’s point about the K1 Visa process being abused is valid, Mohamed takes offense to her cursing and pointing the finger at him. “Calm down! Calm down!” he barks, reminding Loren that she doesn’t know the specifics of anyone’s situation but her own. Then Paola pipes up out of nowhere to tell Mohamed to stop yelling at her friend. “You’re so mean!” she whines.

On a break between takes, Mohamed tries to sell Loren on his squeaky clean hands some more. But she’s not having it, and is ready to call them all out on camera. Mohamed looks worried. Or ready to call an Uber. Or send up the bat signal. Instead, he just sits back down.

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Before more of Loren’s tirade can unfold, TLC tries (in vain) to prove this show isn’t solely about exploiting disastrous relationships. Tape rolls on some of the couple’s most “romantic moments.” For obvious reasons, Mohamed and Danielle are not included in this particular reel. Pedro and Chantel are asked first whether their love is real. Yes, it is! says Pedro. So is their massive language barrier. But Paola says language doesn’t matter when you’ve found the perfect one to support your delusions of becoming an internet model. Chantel and Russ agree.

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Shaun wonders how Mohamed feels seeing the love that some of these couples share? He’s basically like: I will check under the hood of the car next time I purchase one. He’s not up for a Danielle 2.0, despite his tendencies to troll women on SHOSHAL media who are named Diamond. But Danielle thinks she’s the victim here, which Paola points out. And if she’s so “over” Mo, why is Danielle still obsessed with stalking him online? Well, she’s not anymore. Because Mo shut down his entire online presence. LOL! Now Danielle is back to sticking pins in voodoo dolls and burning her hair for spells.

But here’s the million dollar question: Why did Mohamed initially bite on Danielle’s hook? How, on god’s green earth, did he think that this woman would be the “one?” Mo says he was living in another country at the time (not Tunisia), feeling depressed and lonely, and that Danielle filled a void…so to speak. He didn’t have romantic feelings for her, though. Then or now. He just thought it would be a good match. (Because of her winning personality? Things that make you go hmmm.)

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On the other hand, Jorge says he “jumped in head first without thinking of consequences.” It wasn’t until his hormones calmed down time rolled forward that he realized Anfisa was in it for the money. Even though she told him Every. Damn. Day. Now, Jorge is trying to rewrite history, claiming that falling in love with Anfisa was a mistake. Anfisa didn’t expect this answer, admitting she was truly in love with Jorge – until he turned out to be someone different than who he’d claimed to be. She also isn’t sure she wants to hear anymore of this sh*t from Jorge today, but he apparently brought her here for the express purpose of airing his grievances. It’s Jorge’s very own Festivus!

Before Jorge can continue his prepared speech, Shaun turns the conversation back to Loren and Alexei, whose main storyline this season involved Loren’s Tourette’s – who knows about it, where it came from, if it’s genetic, and yadda yadda yadda. I sympathize with Loren’s struggles, but must say: It is boring. (At least when it comes to televised content.) Compared to the rest of this panel’s nightmarish fiascos, Loren and Alexei’s drama pales in comparison. And hopefully that makes them most likely to succeed in real life. On the show, however, it makes them the human equivalent of Ambien.

Suffice to say, Loren and Alexei are now on the same page, are hoping to have children, and will support each other no matter what struggles their kids face. The panel – especially Paola and Russ – are happy for the couple, who do seem more bonded now than ever. Good for them! Now, back to the dumpster fire.

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Shaun calls Paola and Russ polar opposites, which has becomes the main source of their conflict. Russ wants a “spicy” wife, but not too much spice. He’s good with paprika, not habanero pepper. But Paola just wants to be FREE! Russ reiterates his position on Paola posing in lingerie, but Paola reminds us that it’s necessary in her “career” (which shall now and forever remain in ironic quotation marks). So, who’s going to change? Neither of them. Then…do they have a plan B? Russ says he’ll allow Pao to keep modeling, but with limits. Paola knows these limits mean she can and will basically do whatever she wants. She flicks her extensions in his face to remind him of this, snarking, “Whatever, Russ.”

Even though not one person on this stage has supported her thus far, Anfisa speaks up to say she thinks Paola is correct. She would feel the same way if she were in a similar position. Paola doesn’t like being supported by persona non grata over there though, so she just starts fighting with Russ again. She feels like he’s sabotaging her dreams, yo! But when Russ claims Paola hasn’t been turning down any many jobs because of him, Paola suddenly marches off stage. “F**k you, Russ! You don’t even defend me at all! Why am I even married with you? Seriously?” So, this is her grab at a dramatic moment, eh? Sorry, Pao. There are way too many other unhinged folk on this stage who trump you in the drama department. But nice try.

Next week, Jorge continues to lament his choices – and compare Anfisa to a hooker! Danielle cries and walks off. Chantel and Pedro finally get to speak. And Loren continues to call everyone out on making her look bad. As if being a cast member on this show is a good look for anyone. <shudder>

TELL US: DOES ANFISA DESERVE JORGE’S WRATH, OR IS JORGE NOT FACING HIS OWN PART IN THE SITUATION? ARE RUSS AND PAOLA PLAYING UP THEIR DRAMA FOR THE CAMERAS? DID MOHAMED EVER ACTUALLY WANT TO MARRY DANIELLE? 

Photo Credit: TLC

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