So much happened on last night’s Below Deck that my head is spinning from all the activities! There were fights, and costumes, and kinda celebrity guests (not the exciting kind). There was also one of Matt Burns burn out episodes, sandwiched in between Brianna Adekeye and Nico Scholly‘s elicit romance (fauxmance? boredom-mance?). But at least, under the tutelage of EJ Jansen, the deck crew is finally getting their crap together. Too bad the same can’t be said for the stew crew!
The episode begins with Nico and EJ feuding over who is the bigger asshole. Remember boys, one finger pointing at each other means four fingers pointing back at yourself! EJ may have menacingly called Nico “buddy boy” while he seized possession of Valor from Nico’s ego, but Nico was still the bigger jerk for accusing EJ of being drunk and repeatedly calling him an asshole while storming around the boat, sulking, and then swearing to quit the next day if he wasn’t promoted to his rightful position as bosun.
Don’t start throwing any goodbye parties for Nico yet, cause spoiler: he didn’t quit! Although if Captain Lee Rosbach had the chance, he might take Nico up on that whole leaving the boat thing! Despite Nico’s antics he decides EJ is still the drunk one and still to blame for everything!
Kate Chastain gets it – Nico being replaced by Ned Flanders would be akin to Kate being replaced by Peggy Hill. Not so cool beans, but still threatening to throw your boss overboard? Probably not gonna get you all the LinkedIn points!
Nico only manages to calm down when Brianna and her Angelina Jolie slit caress his ego with helpful advice for where to stick his attitude (hint: not the place he told EJ to shove his stripes!). Of course Brianna has no room to talk about grown-up behavior and forgiveness – she’s still in a tiff with Jen Howell over who’s bitter-better-biter. As Jen goes to sleep telling EJ that everyone owes her a f–king apology, EJ sympathizes.
The next morning Baker Manning realizes that contrary to popular belief, EJ was actually the only one who wasn’t drunk – something Nico refuses to accept. As Nico is ironing, EJ tries to talk, but Nico is only saluting his shorts, not his new boss. Meanwhile Jen feels awkward in front of Brianna, who doesn’t want to get into any of last night’s ucky business because next day fights do not have the same appeal as leftover pizza. Captain Lee also doesn’t want to deal – with any of his crew. The harbor of St. Barth’s more than full, so he sends the crew off for lunch instead of docking. Jen pairs up with Kate, EJ bonds with his new minions Baker and Bruno, and Nico gleefully skips off with Brianna and her magical thong. Meanwhile Matt stays home to stare longingly at his phone and wonder why his ex-girlfriend won’t return his pathetic text messages.
And Captain Lee? Well he suns himself on the boat like a David Hasselhoff Baywatch episode from the 90’s. Jen is thrilled to be ashore in St. Barth’s – after all, this is why she wanted to be a yachty. Not for the work, but for the travel and the whole pretending to live the lifestyles of the rich and aimless. Kate lets Jen know that she doesn’t think she’s bitter and she’d rather be shopping for trinkets with her than with anyone else on Valor. Even Brianna. Kate reminds us that with Chris Brown fired, someone has to amuse all us poor people so it must be Jen!
Jen’s heart is warmed and she’s inspired to buy Brianna a little ‘let’s make amends, friend’ bracelet. Meanwhile Nico and Brianna forgot Jen existed and are dry humping in restaurants, in the sea, and on sand as Nico stares longingly at her ass while sliding rocks gently down it’s bootylicious curves. While Nico is entranced, Bri convinces him to make amends with EJ, but only for selfish reasons – she doesn’t want to let Nico out of her jellyfish like tentacles and be trapped alone on Valor with no allies. It’s not like she can depend on Jen for anything!
Back on board the refreshed crew makes amends from their drunken shenanigans. Brianna accepts the bracelet and without laughing in Jen’s face, and Nico shouts out an apology to EJ in front of the other deckhands so everyone knows he is being the bigger
asshole person. Privately he complains that EJ has probably already tattled to Captain Lee, but EJ is a man of honor and would rather make Nico squirm and squirm and squirm fearing the Chis Brown fate and make subtle digs reminding him just who the bosun is, than actually tell their boss. However with Nico and EJ working-ish together the deck crew is finally able to accomplish such monumental tasks as pushing the button to engage the anchor. Behold – success! Who are these people – did we have an invasion of the body snatchers?
Captain Lee even manages a night docking. He’s frightened that with the team of clowns he’s saddled with Valor may go down in … not flames, per se, but maybe glitter? Shockingly, however, Baker and Bruno do an exceptional job and Valor docks without drama! Maybe losing Chris Brown was their lucky charm? It’s certainly not EJ.
By the time the new charter guest arrives, things are working smoother than bananas fosters! The new charter guest is Leigh Anne Tuohy, whose name may sound familiar as the character played by Sandra Bullock in the movie The Blindside. Shouldn’t that lady be chartering the Maltese Falcon instead? Apparently not. #BravoBeckons
Luckily Leigh Anne and Co. have no weird food demands because Matt is still too preoccupied by his dating failures to handle his job right now. The guests want a Hollywood dinner and a tailgating party on the beach. Kate apparently has never heard of this here tailgating phenomena and defers to Jen, who clearly would know about these tasteless matters of trailer park life. Or something.
You’d think with this easy charter, Matt could rest easy – especially after all the bungles with the previous guests, but nope he’s is distracted by obsessively texting his ex-girlfriend, like he’s a 16 year old boy. While he pensively stares at his phone, hiding out in his cabin, willing his former lady love to emoji back at him, Kate is frantically calling him over the radio to start dinner or get a f–king pair of gloves after touching your phone, and oh yeah: and watch the steak. I mean he is the best steak cooker in the world, right?! Maybe there was a body snatchers invasion and Chris Brown took over Matt?
With his eyes on anything but the ice cream, Matt manages to screw up dinner by serving bananas foster with chocolate ice cream. Unfortunately Leigh Anne her husband “haaaate” chocolate ice cream. They want vanilla. But haha, since Matt doesn’t have that, and he didn’t realize in time to re-visualize his dessert! Kate suggests they make whipped cream in the mixer and call it “vanilla cream.” The guests are unimpressed. Later while Matt is lurking, he overhears Kate complaining to Jen that the dessert looked like pigeon shit. Kate sighs that if Matt weren’t such a wholesome, sweet Canadian with such a lovable side, she wouldn’t be so nice. Kate ‘being nice’ scares me. First she was friendly to Jen, then she was helping Matt… something is brewing.
The next day Kate is in full-tailgate planning frenzy as she micromanages Matt and the crew. Kate puts former cheerleader Jen in charge of entertaining the guests. This gives Jen an idea – and when Jen gets ideas bad things occur. Like leaving her daughter to become a made-for-TV yachty! Jen’s latest brilliant plan is to put on a cheerleading uniform for the guests and perform a cheer. Which means getting out of uniform in front of them. Major No-No!
Since Jen doesn’t have a cheerleading uniform – go figure, since she’s on a yacht in the middle of the ocean, (although $10 says she still has her high school uniform at home), she improvises with a blue flowered halter top and a ruffled skirt that I’m pretty sure belongs to her daughter. Jen didn’t clear this with Kate first, but she’s suuuuure Kate will love it, since she’s taking the initiative and making the guests happy. Right?! Wrong!!!
When word gets back to Kate about Jen’s on-shore shenanigans, she’s furious. I don’t know if she’s more angry that Jen violated dress code, or that she did so without Kate’s permission. Fear not: Kate has plans of her own. A few plans actually. Plan one is to give Matt a little tough love heart-to-heart about how he has this thingy here called a job, and all of their jobszzzz depend, in part, on Matt not f–king up because he’s too lazy (re: hung-over or distracted by remorse) to open the freezer and see if he has all the ingredients before starting a dish. With that out of the way Kate helps Matt strategize and conceptualize dinner. Must she do everything!?
Then Kate gets to work assembling Jen’s ‘out of uniform’ punishment. Apparently Kate wants to make Jen fear street clothes for all eternity, leaving her her chained to the Valor as the official yachterella. Their mascot, so to speak, which is exactly what Kate has Jen dress up as. Yachterella! Kate warns Jen about the impending ‘reward’ for her guest engagement, and Jen knows she’s about to be screwed. What if she has to wear a stars-n-stripes speedo and let the guests eat off of her? Also paired with her afro granny wig! Or worse…
Worse it was – Kate’s rendition of ‘The Mascot Of Valor’ was an homage to the guests’ love of football, and Kate’s love of embarrassing Jen. Jen is embarrassed but she’s a trooper and rallied with a smile. With Captain Lee dining with the guests, Jen is forced to leap out onto the scene wearing cleaning gloves, neon light-up sneakers, a giant old lady sun visor and a life jacket cheering that she’s the valor girl. It might have been funny, but it was actually downright sad! Captain Lee waited to see the guests reactions before laughing, but I’m shocked Kate would attempt this in front of him!
After the incident, Jen reveals to Matt and EJ that her heart really wasn’t in the day-glo life vest kinda mood, but she didn’t want to let the crew down. They’re surprised she wasn’t in on the plan for the outfit. And I’m starting to feel bad for Jen. Yes, she’s dumb as a box of rocks and absolutely ridiculous, but she tries hard and just wants to be loved. #FreeJen!
TELL US – DID KATE GO TOO FAR WITH JEN? WILL MATT GET HIS ACT TOGETHER?
[Photo Credit: Instagram]