She’s managed to behave herself for long enough – now it’s time for Teresa Giudice to start breaking sh*t in restaurants again! This week on The Real Housewives Of New Jersey, Tre goes bananas when she hears Kim DePaola is spreading rumors about her rumored side piece. But her real issue is with Dolores Catania, who she claims didn’t defend her against the three-headed snake that is Kim D. While Siggy Flicker and Melissa Gorga come to a better place after a “healing” exercise about cake -(yesss! please let this be the frigging cake’s final gasp!) – Danielle Staub silently plans her next move against Dolores. As for Margaret Josephs? Well, she just continues to be kind of awesome.
We begin at Siggy’s hellish retreat, where she’s mimicking Margaret in a far inferior sketch than Marge just pulled off. No one is impressed. Furthermore, no one understands how this lame game is supposed to bring them closer together. Essentially, it’s like we’ve all died and gone to corporate retreat team building hell. But anyway, here we are. At least Siggy and Margaret get over the exercise fairly quickly, returning amicably to their spot on the wall of shame. But not so fast for Siggy! Get back in the ring, woman!
Melissa is next up for the dreaded role play game. She decides to show Siggy how she looked at her party while humiliating Melissa about the cake (in front of her befuddled guests). Following Margaret’s lead, Melissa does a fair impression of Siggy, Interrupted – but this time, Siggy doesn’t look so horrified. After being broken in with Marge’s rendition, she’s grown used to seeing this her ridiculous self on display!
Finally, Melissa falls to the ground in a Siggy-inspired temper tantrum, legs kicking, arms pounding the ground in a cake-fit. Siggy actually laughs, seeing how messed up she’s been acting lately. Or, let’s hope so! Maybe the pellets are working, maybe this retreat has made her feel important again – but whatever it is, Siggy is even subdued and mildly apologetic while everyone laughs their a$$es off at this mess.
In a surprising twist, Danielle calls Teresa into the ring next. And I am having flashes of Highlander in this gravel pit – like, beheadings and all! But instead, we just get Danielle in tears telling Tre how much her daughters were hurt by the famous “PROSTITUTION WH*RE!!!” table-flipping incident. To be fair, in that moment Danielle’s entire life was distilled down into a Housewives meme, which kind of sucks. But come on! It also made her famous.
Now, Danielle wants Teresa to apologize to her kids. So Tre agrees she will – especially if it keeps Danielle close, who works better as a fake friend than an authentic enemy.
At the kiddie race car track back home, Joe Gorga is taking Milania Giudice out for a heart to heart. Teresa told him Milania’s been struggling with her Nonna’s death the most, even claiming to see visions of her in the house (which I totally believe because I am one of those people!). It’s a sweet moment, with Joe telling Milania that he’ll step in while her father’s gone, and that he shares the pain of losing Antonia with her. Milania loses the tough facade too, showing how vulnerable she really is during this rough time – after all, she’s only eleven. “It doesn’t even feel real,” she says. But Joe promises they’ll get through it together.
Back at the retreat, the ladies gather for the next cruel exercise! The circle of trust. Bum BUM! Margaret opens up to the ladies (and Vikki, Sig’s business partner) about her stepchildren not speaking to her. Last week, I thought she was talking about her current husband’s kids – which made no sense. It’s her ex-husband’s children (not hers biologically, but she raised them since they were small) who won’t speak to her because she cheated on their father. Sorry, guys – I’m obviously a little slow on the uptake with this one! #TeresaProblems
The women are sympathetic, with Siggy even breaking down in tears. Margaret also cries when she reveals that her stepchildren haven’t spoken to her in six long years. Vikki suggests that Marge ask her ex-hubs if he’ll act as peacemaker in healing this relationship. Margaret says yes – she’ll do anything! I believe she will.
It’s Teresa’s turn to bare her soul, so she admits how angry and resentful she is with Joe. Melissa is fairly surprised that Teresa is even opening up this much, but she wants more. She thinks Tre needs to demand an apology from Joe – as if that’s ever gonna happen. When Dolores is asked to spill her secrets next, she refuses, instead doing a promo for her upcoming dog charity event. Margaret is like, WTF lady?! But Dolores ain’t about to bare anything to these broads.
Okay, the retreat is finally over. With everyone back home, it’s time for Teresa’s make-it-nice tour! She heads to Siggy’s first, where Siggy gushes about the life-changing pellets that have been implanted into her derriere. You know, she is acting like last season’s Siggy more these past two episodes…so I’m all about the pellets! WELCOME BACK, SIG! (Please never bring that other woman wearing your face out here ever again, ok?) She’s also “in the mood” more these days, which makes Michael a happy Camper-nella. (Sorry – I couldn’t stop myself. When the corny strikes, the corny wins.)
Teresa confesses that it’s been three months since she’s visited Joe in prison, er, “camp.” Siggy reminds Tre that she’s “one of the strongest women in the world!” <side eye> But she’ll have to be vulnerable too. Just don’t turn into Soggy Teresa, babe. Too soon! Too freaking soon. We barely lived through the first one.
It’s the day of Dolores’s dog charity event with the Onyx And Breezy Foundation, a rescue organization she’s been inspired to help since her beloved dog, Boo, passed away last year. Margaret, Teresa, Siggy, and Danielle arrive – all greeted warmly with the exception of the artist formerly known as Prostitution Wh*ore (TM). Melissa arrives last, taking the kiddos to the bouncy house before they run away with a new fluffy friend!
Since the retreat, everyone feels like they’ve gotten past their differences. But Danielle is still on the outs. So Melissa makes sure that Danielle is ousted even more when she spills this tea to Siggy: Danielle thinks Margaret and her making up is a sham! Instead of a pellet practically shooting out of Siggy’s a$$ at this news, she takes it in stride. She’s practically like, Danielle WHO? Good for her!
In another part of the field, Danielle is telling Margaret the exact same thing. She thinks Siggy made up with Marge at her retreat out of convenience – and to look like the “relationship expert” she purports to be. Sounds about right. Margaret has heard that Danielle is a sh*t starter, so she’s not sure what to make of this gossip. For now, she’ll keep it close to the vest. Another good move. (Hmm. Are we thinking that Marge received a Housewives Playbook prior to joining the cast? Because this broad is making all the right moves. So far…)
As dogs hump each other in the background, Kim D.’s name is brought up. And this congruence of events could not be more perfectly edited. Siggy and Dolores will be heading to the Posche fashion show, where all roads to hell lead. But Teresa and Melissa would rather not wear makeup to the gym than attend their arch enemy’s event. Hmmph!
Later on, Melissa stops by Margaret’s Macbeth collection showroom in the city to check out what a real business looks like! She sees Margaret as a possible mentor, and Marge is happy to oblige. Melissa wants advice – and she has a lot of questions – but when Margaret can finally get a word in edgewise, her suggestions are as follows: Go to Europe not Trenton for fashion inspiration. She suggests a trip to Milan to check out the market! Melissa agrees immediately, and I smell a Housewives trip in our near future. Woot woot! Get your animal prints steam cleaned and clear heels dusted off, people. Jersey is heading back to the old country!!!
At Posche, Dolores and Siggy stop by to try on prom dresses from 1997, and to hear the dirt Kim – freshly resurrected from the her crypt – is dishing. Word on Mama Joyce’s streets is that Teresa has “rekindled an old flame,” she says, and everyone knows it! Kim also says the “whole world” knows Joe was cheating on Tre too. Siggy tries to shut Kim down by screaming “It’s a FREAKING RUMOR!” in her face while Dolores basically stands by silently. Interesting. She doesn’t seem very outraged, does she? In fact, she outright cracks up when Kim goes off on Tre some more! Uh oh. There will be blood.
With the scene set for a dinner of drama, the ladies meet ready to let the accusations and stemware fly! After they’re assembled, Melissa thanks Siggy for hosting the retreat, then gushes about Margaret’s showroom. On cue, she announces the producer mandated trip idea. Does everyone want to go to Milan? Um, but of course they do! They need the paycheck. But wait – is Tre allowed out of the country now? I guess probation is over.
The tone turns sour when Siggy announces next that she and Dolores will be walking in the Posche fashion show. Teresa’s like, “Whyyyyyyy?” Um, because they don’t hate her. But when Dolores tells Teresa what Kim’s saying about her cheating on Joe, everything goes ALL the way left. Heated to a quick boil, Teresa lashes out at Dolores for not sticking up for her more – especially with her walking in Kim’s show after this! “I always stay neutral. I’ve known Kim for twenty years!” defends Dolores. But Tre is fit to flip tables now. Everyone – GIRD YOUR SPANX!
Melissa reminds Dolores that they don’t live in Switzerland, they live in Jersey. So pick a side! Siggy thinks they’re overreacting, which is comical coming from the queen of overreactions. Channeling the pre-namaste Tre, Teresa barely revs up her engines before throwing a glass against the brick wall behind her and growing, “IT’S NOT F**KING TRUE!!! You shoulda stuck up for me!”
With the silverback of the group flexing, Dolores now has to rise to the challenge. Veins nearly bursting out of her recently spray-tanned forehead, she jumps up out of her chair to scream back, “I DID!!!” while pounding her hands on the table. The patrons are scared, the cameras have gone shaky, and it’s all Blair Witch-meets-Jersey Shore for a moment before Margaret tells everyone to calm the hell down!
Naturally, Siggy takes issue with Margaret for stepping in, ultimately screaming that she “has no HEART!” before stomping out of the restaurant with Dolores. “Idiots!” she snarls, passing by the tables of poor diners just trying to choke down their chicken parm with grandma clutching her pearls. My god, ladies! As Ramona Singer would say, Calm down! Take a Xaaaaaaanax! Also, please never dine out in public again.
“I can’t believe that f**kin b*tch said that!” Teresa says about Kim. Yo – It’s time to form a posse! They plan to go confront Kim D. on her own turf once and for all. Danielle just needs to call those thugs from season one at the meth rehab for backup, and it’s a go! I’m in.
Writer’s Note: Check out my BRAND NEW podcast, Pink Shade With Erin Martin, for more Reality TV talk, plus a deep dive on cults & the supernatural! Now available on Podbean, Stitcher, and iTunes!
TELL US: ARE YOU AS EXCITED FOR THE POSSE AS ME? IS TERESA REALLY GOING TO CONFRONT KIM D? IS DOLORES JUST ‘NEUTRAL’ – OR A BAD FRIEND?
Photo Credit: Bravo
