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Southern Charm Recap:

Last night’s Southern Charm had everything America needs right now. Kathryn Dennis went head to head with her very whiny replacement. Thomas Ravenel lost the drinking game where he had to take a shot every time his wallet’s girlfriend said the word “birthday.” Most importantly, CRAIG CONOVER REUNITED WITH GIZMO. It was an episode for the people, no doubt.

The crew is heading to Hilton Head for the weekend, so Shep Rose has postponed his knee surgery, because, you know, priorities. Naomie Olindo is looking forward to some girls’ time with Kathryn and Chelsea Meissner, but she is dreading having to hang out with her ex Craig. He just brings out the mean in her. Her roommate urges her to have a heart-to-heart with Craig before the trip. They need to get in the fast lane to the friend zone to make it less awkward for the entire group. Chelsea checks in on Kathryn to find out that her grandmother has passed away. Kathryn was very close to her grandmother, who viewers met when she gave her blessing to a baby Kathryn in a relationship with a fifty-year-old T-Rav. She reminisces about going the library and playing board games with her grandmother, and it sounds like that had a very special relationship.

Across town, T-Rav’s latest flavor is goading him for his credit card. She’s willing to wear leather pants and a sparkly bra as long as he will cough up the cash to pay for it. What was that article Patricia Altschul mentioned last week from The Times? Thomas is a bit peeved that Ashley is so controlling of his time, but he recognizes that she moved here for him. He is her support emotionally…and otherwise. {clears throat} He seems deflated as she asks yet again for his credit card. The pair head into Gwynn’s to get one of Ashley’s new dresses altered. T-Rav is fine spending money on his new lady if it’s making her appear classier and more presentable. Californians don’t dress well in his opinion. He loves watching her parade around in her new frock, likening her to Melania Trump. Did she just say “my hero”? Yes, yes she did. Ashley teases Thomas that he needs to run for office again so she too can be a first lady. The only thing missing is a giant ring with “a giant price tag”…yeah, she said that too. As the co-owner of Gwynn’s pins the dress, T-Rav inquires about their newest employee. Madison shares that Kathryn has a great deal of potential but she’s been out due to the death of her grandmother. Thomas is sad to hear of the passing as he knew Kathryn’s grandmother. He’ll have to call Kathryn to check on her. I’m pretty sure if Ashley weren’t covered in stickpins, she would have stomped her foot in a tantrum. This outing is supposed to be about her and T-Rav’s AmEx, remember?

Southern Charm Recap:

Craig receives a phone call from Naomie asking if she can come by to see his new house. Craig is shocked to hear from her given their last interaction, but he sends her the address. He hopes she will ignore the mess, and what a mess it is! I do have to say, I like the oars as a banister for the bachelor pad. Meanwhile, Cameran Eubanks is still pregnant, and she’s incredibly bored. There are only a finite about of bouncy ball sitting, cheese ball eating, and belly lotioning one can do. Shep calls to check on her. He suggests she do puzzles and play video games before admitting that he busted up his face by running into a glass door. I’m sure he was sober when it happened. His face may be wonky, but he still managed to bed a stranger that night. Cameran hates that she is going to be googling vaginal tears instead of joining her friends on their road trip to Hilton Head.

Southern Charm Recap:

Austen Kroll is chatting with his “new girlfriend” Victoria. She isn’t able to go to Hilton Head because she “has to work” which is Bravo code for Austen didn’t get a plus one on the network funded field trip. She interrogates him about whether he’s told Chelsea that they are “an item” but Austen plans to wait until he’s vacationing with Chelsea to break the news. The last time she heard he was “dating” Victoria, she iced him out of her life. He’s not ready for that again. Across town, Naomie arrives at Craig’s, and she’s sporting a broken foot after a botched skateboarding spree with Chelsea. The reunion of Craig and Gizmo is everything I hoped it would be. Naomie wants to get rid of the elephant in the room, and she hopes that she and Craig can have a fun weekend sans anger. Craig reminds Naomie that only one of them has been mean lately, and it ain’t him. She agrees, and both are hopeful for a stress-free trip together. Gizmo hisses in approval. Naomie cites that Gizmo has had a bad attitude with her lately. She wonders aloud why he’s pissed at her. We hear you, Gizmo. We hear you.

Southern Charm Recap:

The Charmers are packing for their getaway, but back at T-Rav’s Ashley is unpacking a shiz ton of make-up on her boyfriend’s face. What?? As he zips up his Louis Vuitton suitcase, Ashley states she needs matching luggage. Thomas informs her that Kathryn has more LV bags than one person needs, so perhaps Ashley can borrow one from her once they become friends. Ashley is clearly sick of hearing Kathryn’s name, and she tears into T-Rav’s ex for not inviting her to Saint’s birthday party. It’s so not classy and incredibly disrespectful to exclude a father’s brand new pickpocket princess from his toddler’s birthday party which has been planned by the once-estranged mother of his children. Completely tacky. Does she hear herself when she’s talking? Why does she think she even has a place at the party? She needs to play nice and show respect for Saint’s mother rather than this display of immaturity. As Ashley goes off on a tangent, she warns T-Rav that she can be Kathryn’s worst enemy. Thomas nods out of fear, but secretly he’s on Kathryn’s side.

Southern Charm Recap:

Three vehicles are heading to HHI. One carries Chelsea, Kathryn, Naomie, and Danni Baird. It seems like a fun car. Another holds Shep, Craig, Austen, and Whitney Sudler-Smith. I’d guess it’s a laugh a mile too if Craig were on time. The third? Well, that’s another story. Ashley is still harping on her missing invitation to Saint’s birthday party. If it were her throwing Saint a party–PAUSE! That wouldn’t be a thing, chickadee!–she would invite Kathryn and whoMever Kathryn was dating. T-Rav usually turns my stomach but I pretend to high five him through my screen when he corrects Ashley’s grammar. He is over this conversation. As the guys wait for Craig, Naomie informs the girls that Craig is at the liquor store. She’s still tracking him.

Just like Shep has surgery on his knee forthcoming, Craig is going under the knife after severing a tendon in his hand for holding under a knife…a butter knife to be exact. He tried to use it to stab a wall. Don’t ask. Austen texts Chelsea that the guys’ car convos are painful (literally from the injury count!), and Naomie asks if Austen is back with Victoria. She ran into him the other night before a date with her. This reconciliation is news to Chelsea, and she looks crestfallen, although not as crestfallen as poor Thomas stuck in the car with Ashley. It’s crazy how a bit of editing (and a shrew of a girlfriend) can make even T-Rav a sympathetic character. Ashley loves him like crazy. Did she say crazy? Because she meant it. J/K, she’s not crazy, but Thomas drives her crazy and Kathryn’s cray so clearly crazy attracts crazy. “Apparently,” Thomas whispers under his breath and I’m here for it…even more so when he explains to Ashley that Hilton Head is an island.

Southern Charm Recap:

The ladies are first to arrive at their amazing rental house. They stake out the rooms as Ashley and Thomas unload their car. Danni and Kathryn aren’t rushing to welcome them. T-Rav heads straight for the liquor cabinet as Ashley stresses over what attire to wear horseback riding on the beach with the girls. Shep and crew burst onto the scene as Thomas offers Kathryn a drink. It’s a dick move, intensified when he then drags her away to tour the room he’ll be sharing with Ashley. Kathryn takes it all in stride as Craig, Shep, and Naomie compare recent injuries. Ashley complains that no one told her to pack flannel, and the girls giggle on the porch as they listen to Ashley screech at T-Rav. He diffuses the situation by sharing that Kathryn is wearing riding boots he gifted to her when they were together. He is such an ass, but he’s winning this episode for me.

Southern Charm Recap:

The group heads to Dafuskie Island by ferry. The men are excited for golf as the girls prep for horseback riding. Ashley thinks the boat would be the perfect place for a proposal, and Thomas pretends to see a seal. Naomie and Craig’s truce is short lived after Craig tries to give her some contacts he thought she’d left at his house. Is Craig and idiot? She doesn’t need some used contacts case. Craig’s friends can’t help but compare him to a broken dog. Oblivious to the drama, Shep and Chelsea recall growing up in such a beautiful place. As the guys hit the tees, Shep shares that one of the characters in the Great Gatsby was based loosely on his great-aunt who was a champion golfer. On the other end of the island, the girls saddle up on their horses. It’s a group of experienced equestrians…and Ashley who is riding for the first time. Chelsea and Kathryn are literally hot to trot, but they are forced to mosey due to Ashley’s inexperience. On the course, Thomas appears defeated when discussing his relationship with Ashley. She’s a tad demanding. And expensive. Craig wonders about Ashley’s intentions. She sounds like a bit of a gold digger. Nothing gets past Craig. Glad he’s putting his law degree and powers of deduction to good use!

Southern Charm Recap:

After a brief ride on the beach, the girls take a stretch golf cart to the bar. Ashley alienates herself by sitting on the far back seat despite the others asking her to join them in the front. The guys meet up with them as Ashley complains about how she’ll never ride another horse again. When the waitress informs T-Rav that the bar is out of Knob Creek, he says he’ll have the Maker’s Mark Redhead. He says he “wants the redhead” repeatedly as Kathryn and crew giggle. Ashley tightens her grip on his thigh. Chelsea asks Austen if he’s seeing Victoria again, and she’s met with a “hmmm, let’s talk.”

Southern Charm Recap:

Ashley then probes Chelsea to see if she’s attending Saint’s birthday party. Chelsea says Kathryn discussed it in the car on the way here, so it’s not like she got an engraved invitation. Ashley then offers awkward condolences to Kathryn before reminding Kathryn that “in happier news” she has a baby who is turning two and getting a fun birthday party. The guys can’t scramble away from the table fast enough, and my endearment towards T-Rav diminishes as quickly as it arrived when he leaves Kathryn there to defend THEIR decision to exclude Ashley. Ashley is pissed when Thomas leaves and pointedly asks Kathryn whether she’s invited. Why won’t Kathryn give her a straight answer? What does “friends and family” mean in regard to the invite list? Kathryn tries to diffuse the situation by reminding Ashley they are in a restaurant, and this isn’t the time or place. Who is this season’s Kathryn? She phenomenal! Ashley goes for the jugular, spitting out that she sees Kathryn’s kids more than Kathryn herself does. Danni warns Ashley to slow her roll, but it’s too late. Bear poked.

HOLY DRUNKEN INJURIES! WHAT DID YOU THINK OF LAST NIGHT’S EPISODE? WERE YOU EXCITED TO SEE GIZMO? IS KATHRYN PRACTICING TOO MUCH RESTRAINT? THOUGHTS ON ASHLEY? 

[Photo Credit: Bravo]

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