On last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills I learned many important lessons 1) Lyme Disease is airborne via rude comments (and leaky silicone); 2) Gigi Hadid is a child prodigy in the kitchen; 3) Pink heels are a patented trademark and copyright of Lisa Vanderpump; 4) Late-night pharmaceutical commercials are correct: depression hurts; 5) 70 is the new 17 as pertains to male horniness; 6) swan attacks are serious (thriller starring Kim Richards coming soon – Swanado: The Revenge Of Hanky); 7) There is an uglier, more overpriced item in Beverly Hills than $25,000 sunglasses and that is the Cartier Panther ring; And finally 8) Erika Jayne is living out all of our ABBA disco queen fantasies – except we’ve never heard of her. I still like the bitch. She’s fierce. (note sarcasm of my language, but I do like Erika because she’s sassy and not easily intimidated, but still classy).
OK, well see ya next week – I gotta make sure I didn’t contract Lyme Disease from my TV. Cause like that shit is VIRAL. Even Kyle Richards may have a little bit of Lyme, or Munchausen By Proxy From Friends. I think that’s called ‘Keeping Up With The Vanderpump-itis” and yes, Kyle is quite afflicted!
After a mini stroke gave her a new perspective,Kim Zolciak decided to rebrand herself as a motivational speaker and launched the ‘Ask Believe Receive’ tour to share the secrets of her successful gold digging with the masses. But did Kim cancel the entire thing without speaking a word?
“What Does Sick Look Like, Lisa?” Ellie asks, putting Lipsa on blast for being judgmental based on Yolanda’s Instagram feed. Because even though sometimes Yolanda looks the picture of health, and sometimes looks like a Jiffy Pop monster, doesn’t mean her Lyme Disease isn’t real!
Ellie knows from experience what living with chronic, unrelenting illness is like, because she is “very sick, actually the sickest” and suffers from ALS.
Above, Yolanda supports Ellie through a medical treatment earlier this year.
Kandi Burruss is always caught between a rock in a hard place! Just when Mama Joyce finally starts liking Todd, there’s drama between Kandi’s manager (and close friend) Don Juan, and her co-star and sometimes-buddy Phaedra Parks!
Phaedra and Todd have been at odds over money Phaedra reportedly owes him for a pregnancy workout video they made which was never released. Phaedra admitted to owing Todd the remaining $5k, but in a preview on the Bravo website the Real Housewives Of Atlanta star also argues she’s never SEEN proof of what Todd’s gotten done so far! Phaedra paid him $30k already.
After Kyle posted a rather awkward – OK hideously uncomfortable – photo of her with Kathy Hilton on Christmas Eve, it was assumed the family tensions that have yet again become a major storyline on Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills were over. New Year, New drama, right?! Or not!
I have a major bone to pick with this show. Let’s call it a reality check shall we, since this is supposed to be a reality show and all. Why are they still trying to make Kristen happen? Honestly – would any ‘real’ friend expect you to go on a birthday vacation with your crazy ex-girlfriend? NO!
Once Kristen andJames Kennedy split, Kristen lost her place on this show – we’re now just seeing a regurgitated storyline of everyone fake-forgiving Kristen and unconvincingly acting as if they want to be her friend so Bravo can justify the antics she may cause. It’s super-phony. James is the new crazy-ass – let’s embrace that and hook Stassi Schroeder and Kristen up with a little Pump Rules Scorned Spinoff instead. Because Kristen pretending she wants forgiveness and has really changed; she’s too bad an actress to convince anyone of that. And furthermore her hitting the club for Jax Taylor to teach her how to avoid players while she makes creepy-Hunchback of Notre Dame faces was cringeworthy. Likewise I am tired of watching Tom 1 and Ariana Madix freakout, whine, and tantrum over Kristen.
Coming off my post-Christmas slump to deal with Real Housewives Of Atlanta makes me a bit cranky. Now I don’t know about y’all but I really don’t care if Phaedra Parks owes Todd Tucker money. I’d rather talk about Kandi Burruss rocking the h-e-double-hockeysticks out of over-the-knee sequined boots at 6 months pregnant. And I’d also like to discuss Kenya Moore‘s latest fake-a-date.
Kenya and Marlo Hampton hit the gym because this is totally 2000 and that’s where you meet men. Or cows. But not poopers. They’re playing with balls when James walks over to flirt with Kenya. James checks some of Kenya’s boxes: Tall, handsome, fit – but he’s too young and is but a mere personal trainer. They have a totally awkward, phony flirtation that results in a date. I was distracted by James smiling with his lip over his teeth and was waiting for them to expose scary teeth. But they weren’t scary at all.
Later Kenya and James meet to play basketball. Kenya wears a baby blue outfit to send subliminal hints that say, “Sperm donor.” Kenya isn’t sure if she wants a second date with James because he’s too young (and seriously this date was more awkward than one of those stupid male model photoshoots they always force uponAmerica’s Next Top Model contestants), but she’d totally turkey baste him in an alley, y’all!
Luann is currently spending the post-Christmas holiday in Palms Beach, FL with “millionaire businessman” Thomas D’Agostino Jr. Witnesses reported seeing Luann and Thomas enjoying a “romantic holiday getaway.”