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On last night’s episode of Vanderpump Rules, Tom Sandoval introduced us to a bass guitar bedecked with dildos, which made more sense than almost everything else happening with this group.

Katie Maloney has been waiting and hoping, begging and whining, pleading and crying to get engaged to Tom Schwartz since the dawn of Twitter. Maybe even before in the prehistoric age of Facebook. It finally happened so OMG! WEDDING! is her entire life.

Katie bombards Lisa Vanderpump and begs to have her engagement party – a casual BBQ for 50 or so sane people plus one full-scale rampaging case of psychosis (Kristen Doute) and one bitch ghost with a superiority complex who is temporarily angelic in order to wheedle her way back in (Stassi Schroeder). After some hesitation, Lisa decides to let Katie and Tom have the party at Villa Rosa, BUT! Kristen and Stassi are not allowed to come! Katie agrees so fast heads spun exorcist style. Some re-friend she is.

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Let’s pause for a secadoodle: SO, Katie is allowed to hold the mother of all grudges over the betrayal and hurt of Stassi, which was acceptable and coddled by her friends. Then, after she cries tears of joy that Stassi and Kristen are back in her life because their friend group is complete again, Katie disinvites them both faster than the boo of a bitch ghost, and that’s all fine. Yet when Tom 1 didn’t want to spend his birthday vacation with his ex-girlfriend, Katie decided Tom and Ariana Madix were negative, awful, grudge-holding people who hate fun. Anyone else hating Katie more an more each episode? Lisa says Katie has been emancipated from Stassi thus finding both her voice and her confidence. I say Katie needs to get right back under Stassi’s black-hearted crow wing, because Katie was tolerable back then! 

Another negative influence on Katie is Scheana Shay of the Everlasting Bridezilla Memories Collection. Scheana and Shay assist Katie in the planning of her engagement party, which grows more elaborate by the second. Katie mentions that Lisa exorcised Kristen and Stassi from the guest list, but she isn’t too concerned. In fact Katie is more annoyed by Ariana not liking her and doesn’t even want her at her party. 

Tom 2 tires to calm things being that Tom 1 is his soulmate (plus, Tom helped PLAN THE PROPOSAL), but Katie is all SHUT UP or I will stab you with the witches talons Scheana Marie Sallie Lee Press-On Nailed to my fingers. Oh, and you need to write a $35 million dollar check for casual BBQ catering. Tom 2 sighs and admits that since the neutering has healed he barely notices his balls are missing. It’s KATIE’s PARTY and Tom 2 isn’t invited if he doesn’t do what she says!

In other unsavory developments, James Kennedy got sober and had an epiphany that he misses Kristen. James is shocked to realize Kristen is happier without him. The White Kanye West has an ego the size of ALL the colors of the rainbow. However, even though Kristen claims she doesn’t miss James, actions speak louder than words! First action: unblocking his number and responding to his texts. 

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Second action: Going out to dinner, where Kristen brags about how wasted on wine she’s gonna get, to rub it in James‘ psyche that he’s not drinking. That had the opposite of intended effects, clearly, because Kristen wound up banging James on top of his Beamer in the parking garage of her apartment. Did they take a Beamer Selfie of this momentous re-coupling?

The next day, Kristen visits the warehouse where she slaves over her “shitty” t-shirt line, day and night (sarcasm). Kristen briefly had a business partner, but that didn’t work out, because: Kristen. So Kristen fired her yet still had to pay her, since: Contracts, and her company has sold 100 t-shirts and is in debt. It doesn’t matter though, because Kristen has men to manhandle and friend groups to painstakingly put back together again as if someone requires an organ transplant and the fate of life is in her hands. Kristen is legit this serious about this friend-group obsession. 

Stassi pries out from Kristen a confession about hooking up with James. Except Kristen only admits to “making out” in the car, which Stassi doesn’t believe, but then in confessionals Kristen admits they “totally banged.” Which is a problem since she’s soooooo happy with Carter, who is both smarter than her (Kristen has the IQ of a moldy carrot, so that’s not saying much) plus he has “perfect measurements,” which means he’s either a human dildo, or he is able to model her shitty t-shirt line. 

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Herein lies the irony of Kristen. The woman BURST INTO TEARS because James admitted to sleeping with Scheana’s friend, while James and Kristen were breaking up, yet she’s cheating on Carter with James, while she’s actually with Carter. She did the same thing to Tom. Kristen – none of your therapy worked. I hope it was a tax write-off. Also your psycho is showing, so you might want to pull your skirt down a skosh. And put out the cigarette, because: yuck.

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James confesses his misdeed to Lala Kent, who is disgusted, not only because thinking of James (and his dapple-hanging willie) doing it with Kristen is nauseating, but because James is supposed to be getting his life on track to persuade Lisa to rehire him at PUMP and therefore reinvest in the meteoric encapsulation of his life’s purpose: THE PUMP CD, which will surely put Tom 1‘s Charles McMansion sexual liberation dildo guitar to shame. 

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Tom 1 is dropping $9,000 on a professional music video for his band, which has only released one song. Yeah, that makes no sense to anyone with half a brain – and even those with no brains, like Jax Taylor! However, Tom 1 is so serious about this endeavor he cast Lala as a backup dancer, but not Scheana, because he didn’t want the day dominated by drama. BURN. Tom 2 is the only person supportive of Tom, except for Ariana who is in the video. Tom 2 explains that Tom and Ariana have definitely been keeping a distance, but feels they’ve been unfairly ostracized without reason. 

At SUR, Jax asks LVP for time off, so he can go to Hawaii to enter a plea in the stolen sunglasses situation. Poor Jax is having a serious sexistential crisis here – moments after moving Brittany Cartwright cross-country to move into his studio apartment, then splitting custody of a pair of DD knockers, he realizes things are moving too fast and he just wants to poop in peace. 

Unfortunately he’s stuck. Stuck with Kentucky Fried Hooters and stuck dealing with the consequences of his life. 

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Jax reluctantly takes Brittany out for dinner and confesses he doesn’t believe in marriage. She starts crying because she wants marriage, family, faith, and commitment – which is why she started dating JAX!!!!! – and he’s killing her dream. “I’ve lost my appetite,” complains Jax, looking dejectedly at the taa-taas he just paid for and will barely get to enjoy before Hooters hoots and hollars into a break-up text. Poor Brittany just wants a chance to be as happy as Scheana and Shay (she for real said this). Even Jax openly scoffs! 

While Jax is dodging the hare, Kristen, Stassi, Kristen’s new boyfriend Carter, Katie and Tom 2 hit-up a dive bar to watch turtle races. 

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Obviously Carter has no idea that Kristen has been having her James and eating it too (in the parking lot – cause class!). While Stassi complains and Kristen acts as if she’s too fancy for dive bars, Katie reveals that not only did she have a one-night stand with Carter BT (Before Tom), but that Lisa has made it clear Stassi and Kristen cannot attend Katie’s engagement party. Yep, Katie loves Kristen and Stassi soooo much she chose swans and million-dollar views over their presence. Might wanna rethink sobbing over the miracle of the amazingness that is Katie, and her so-called newly installed backbone, girls!

Unfortunately instead of blaming Katie for throwing them under the Vanderpump Rules, Kristen and Stassi turn their rage towards Lisa

After a few weeks of living with Kristen and earning a Vanderpump Rules paycheck, Stassi is ready to move out, because having a nightly menage-a-trois with Kristen and her vodka bottle has gotten a little messy. After Stassi evaluates how to turn the maggot-sized closet into Lisa’s dressing room, they complain about the unfairness of being cast-out of Katie’s engagement party. Kristen is enraged – she will NOT miss another one of Katie’s life events! Stassi agrees – she is still recovering from the injustice of not attending the proposal of the friends she ditched and denounced and didn’t speak to for a full year!

Stassi and Kristen decide it’s their right to attend Katie’s party at Lisa’s home, since it is all LISA’S fault they cannot be with their friend group, which their busy and important lives revolve around. The plan is to “respectfully crash” but not make any scenes. Girls get a hobby – and a life. 

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Is anyone else a little creeped out by how obsessed and proprietary Kristen and Stassi act over Katie, which is pretty much like fighting to eat the last remaining cold french fry at the bottom of the McDonald’s bag.

Furthermore, Stassi and Kristen claim they’ve changed, evolved, and are really different people yet the veneer slips in a hot-ass second. Mmmhmmm. 

While Kristen and Stassi plot to overthrow the pony security of Villa Rosa, Tom 2 and Jax male bond while golfing. Tom 2 seems saddened that Tom 1 is ousted from their trio over, of all people, Kristen. Jax complains about Tom’s music video and band, which he denounces as lame, because stealing designer sunglasses is a lifestyle everyone should aspire too. Then Jax admits he’s having second thoughts about Brittany since she brought up the “M” word. Also after bashing Tom 2 and Katie’s engagement party earlier, Jax now wants to attend for the opportunity to see Stassi. I bet he’d pretend to be so happy in love with Brittany for that occasion! His hopes are dashed when he learns Lisa banned them. 

Honestly – Brittany why the hell would you even want to marry Jax?!

Tom 2 visits Villa Rosa to discuss party details. When he arrives Lisa is nowhere to be found. He wanders around awkwardly, then notices the mini horses loitering by the back door. Tom opens the door, one horse wanders in, and while Tom is corralling it, squeamishly, the second one barges inside. That’s when Lisa appears, in a bathrobe. She is furious the horses are inside and might poop on the trillion-dollar floors. “Ken will be furious if he saw this,” Lisa lectures. 

Tom tries to coax the horse to the door, but he’s afraid and shrieks. “I’m afraid of horses,” he confesses. Good lord! Lisa demands he move then she hauls Diamond and Rose outside. Regarding the party Lisa makes it clear no one is allowed in the house, she’s not providing bathrooms, and absolutely NO Kristen and Stassi. Tom agrees to all terms and then quickly makes his exit before those evil little ponies attack him again and chase him through Villa Rosa. 

The night before Hawaii, Jax is finishing his shift at SUR when Scheana stops by to lecture him on court behavior. Tom and Ariana barely acknowledge his presence, as Jax glances dolefully towards his former friend, the one he ostracized. Katie sidles over to inform Jax that he better not go to prison, because: her engagement party!!!! Katie also tells Ariana she’s still invited, if she thinks she could have fun. 

I feel bad for the Toms. They clearly are for-real friends. 

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As Jax packs for the trip, Brittany hovers around him, micromanaging. Jax compares sharing his studio-apartment with his girlfriend of three months to prison. He regrets moving too fast and investing in boobs he won’t get to use. As Brittany drives him to the airport yammering about court and how she wishes she could be there, Jax stares out the window anxiously, imagining jail as his freedom and all the mistakes he can’t unmake. I imagine he sees Tom 1‘s face, floating in the distance of the 101. 

TELL US – WAS KATIE A BAD FRIEND TO KRISTEN AND STASSI? ARE YOU SURPRISED KRISTEN “BONED” JAMES? WILL JAX MARRY BRITTANY?

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

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