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Big Rich Texas

While the Big Rich Texas ladies were in New OrleansBonnie Blossman discovered that Leslie Birkland filed a police report against Jason. Apparently, Jason's altercation with Tyler at Leslie and Rip's engagement party left Leslie traumatized and concerned about her family's safety. 

The next morning, the ladies discuss the previous night's events, mimosas in hand. While the details of Bonnie and Leslie's blow up are crystal clear, the rest of the night is kind of a blur. Melissa Poe asks, "Did we kiss somebody last night?" Oh yes, she, Connie Dieb, and Cindy Davis most certainly did make out with complete strangers, albeit hot ones. Yay for alcohol!
 
Melissa explains that nobody went after Leslie the night before, but they're all anxious to hear her spin on side of the story now. The ladies set up camp in the living room and wait for Melissa to bring her downstairs. Turns out – Leslie is nowhere to be found.
 
Ah, there she is, back in Texas.Thankfully, neither Kalyn Braun nor Tyler has a job, so Leslie knows to look for them by the pool. "You guys are not gonna believe what happened to me," Leslie cries. "Bonnie's turned against me." Leslie adds, "I'm the victim! You'd think she would have been remorseful for what her husband did." Moving on, Kalyn asks for Leslie's permission to date Paul. Leslie is like, the old guy? (Pot, Kettle. Kettle, Pot.) The 28-year-old nerd?  Kalyn asks Leslie to at least meet Paul before she passes judgment. Leslie agrees.
 
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Big Rich Texas stars Whitney Whatley and Brandon "Booger" Overbey made two very big announcements yesterday.

First – a wedding date!

Whitney and Booger will wed October 31, 2013. Whitney wants a Halloween wedding, 13 bridesmaids, 13 groomsmen, and a black wedding dress. OK! magazine has the video announcement

Second –  Whitney is pregnant! 

Grandma-to-be Bonnie Blossman tweeted: Whitney is 8 weeks pregnant and due July 24. There's no doubt in my mind that Whitney and Booger's baby will come out super cute, tattooed, and pierced. I can hear Bonnie in the delivery room now, "BRANDON!" Booger, "That was all Whitney! I can't stop her!"

Congratulations, Whitney and Booger!

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Two weeks ago on Big Rich Texas, Leslie Birkland announced that she and Rip Mason were engaged. Bonnie Blossman secretly planned an engagement party for the couple; however, Leslie came to the party that she thought was a casual dinner sans her billionaire.

A mortified Leslie proceeded to distract her friends with massive amounts of alcohol and the promise of a trip to New Orleans. Despite no Rip, good times were had by all until Bonnie's husband Jason picked a fight with Leslie's son Tyler. And yet another episode ended with an embarrassed Leslie dragging one of her real/borrowed children to the car. 

Naturally, the women need new used clothes for their upcoming trip to New Orleans, so they go to Connie Dieb's shop. They're very excited about the trip… Bonnie wants to party on Bourbon Street and Connie and DeAynni practically salivate just thinking about the food. Since Connie always misses the disastrous parties – is she really always busy or purposely keeping away from the drama? – she asks for the lowdown on Leslie's engagement party. Bonnie tells Connie that Tyler disrespected Cindy Davis, Jason stood up for Cindy, Jason threatened to break Tyler's jaw, and Leslie acted crazy.
 
Connie is like, Well, that's nice…. off to New Orleans where us girls are gonna go wild! I get the impression that Connie couldn't care less about what she misses at these parties… her script simply dictates that she ask for a recap. 
 
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Big Rich Texas is all new tonight! I kind of missed this crazy bunch last Sunday. Admit it… you did too! 

Last time on Big Rich Texas, Leslie Birkland announced that she and Rip were engaged. All the women were like, OMG, let me see the (assumed to be humongous) ring! According to Leslie, her billionaire asked her to marry him on the fly, so she didn't have a ring yet. Horrors! Connie Dieb and Bonnie Blossman rushed Leslie to the nearest bling shop. While shopping for an engagement ring, Bonnie asked Leslie if she and Rip would join Bonnie and Jason for dinner later that week. Leslie agreed, and then Bonnie secretly planned an engagement party for the couple! 

Imagine Leslie's surprise when she came to the party alone, as Rip's plane had been delayed in New York. Of course. A mortified Leslie attempted to distract her friends with massive amounts of alcohol and the promise of a trip to New Orleans. Despite no Rip, good times were had by all until Jason  picked a fight with Tyler immediately after Cindy Davis practically tried to bed him on the bar. Poor Tyler. Big Rich Texas ended with an embarrassed Leslie dragging one of her real/borrowed children to the car. Again.

On tonight's episode of Big Rich Texas, the ladies travel to New Orleans for Leslie's bachelorette party, but the bride-to-be is nowhere to be found. Then, before Booger asks Whitney Whatley to be his bride, he seeks Bonnie and Jason's blessing. Bonnie and Jason are all like, why? she has no money, no job, and no life goals. It's great! 

Also, imagine our surprise when we came across Leslie and Rip's engagement announcement, complete with a photo of the lovebirds! 

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Last week on Big Rich Texas, Leslie Birkland decided to have Kalyn Braun baptized (in a pool during a thunder and lightning storm) to wash away her slutty tendencies. Much to Kalyn's dismay, Leslie invited Kalyn's mom, Terry. Instead of embracing her mother, ignoring her, or faking small talk, Kalyn threw a temper tantrum of epic proportions. 

Following the party, if Leslie's face could show emotion, she would look bewildered. Leslie doesn't understand why Kalyn got so upset with her mother. Just a guess… perhaps because they're two manipulative drama queens fighting for attention. Kalyn tells Leslie that she got too heated and cannot even remember what set her off, adding, "Everything was just rushing through my head, like all the crap she pulls, and I just went off. I lost it. I couldn't handle it anymore." 

Leslie stresses that people can change. Leslie blows my mind with, "Now that you're an adult and you've been baptized, you're looking and viewing life differently." Being baptized does not instantly make one an adult… and, for crying out loud, Kalyn's hair is practically still wet. When did she have time to change her outlook on life? Leslie urges Kalyn to give Terry a chance. Kalyn says the mere thought is exhausting. 

Next, DeAynni Hatley brings 15-year-old Shaye to the Big Rich Texas plastic surgeon for Botox. I'll let you digest that statement for a moment and meet you in the next paragraph.

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Stop the presses, y'all. Tyler ran 4.2 miles. That's all you need to know about this week's episode of Big Rich Texas. Trust me. The rest pales in comparison to Tyler's awesomeness. Nevertheless, the rest…

Leslie Birkland enters the scene, shoos away her real child (Mommy, I just ran 4.2 miles! No time, Tyler. I just found out your fake sister is a slut, but you already knew that, didn't you.) to talk to Kalyn Braun. Leslie says, "Well, Kalyn, the party was all about you being a slut." Leslie continues and it goes something like this, Boonie Blossman, whose shirts states she's a doctor, educated me about UTIs… in front of everyone… and you, my dear Godaughter, have some complication from being sexually active. 

Leslie asks Kalyn, "Do you know to go pee after sex?" Kalyn sees no way to escape the madness, so she fake cries. "Boo hoo hoo, I'm being judged for no reason." Leslie assures Kalyn that she just wants to help her. Leslie tells Kalyn that she is to call her every time she has sex, so she can remind her to pee. That Leslie. She sure does go above and beyond the call of Godmother duty. 

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I'm new to Big Rich Texas, but I am already completely in love with Bonnie Blossman. Hands down, she is my favorite personality on the show. Booger and Whitney round out the list of people I thorougly enjoy watching. I merely tolerate and/or love to hate the rest of the cast. (Not counting the daughters. They're just kids… my heart aches for a few of them.)

Bonnie, also known as Botox Bonnie or Dr. Bon, isn't your average reality TV star. She's well educated, fun, crazy, witty, caring… I could go on and on. When she's not crashing dog parties and bonding with Booger on Big Rich Texas, Bonnie works for The University of Texas at Arlington, teaching courses in Biology, Biochemistry, Parasitology, Gene Expression, Anatomy & Physiology, and Contemporary Biology. She has an impressive sixteen years of college-level teaching experience. Bonnie earned her PHD in Biology in 2007, graduating with a 4.0 GPA. 

In addition to mom/wife and college professor, Bonnie is also a published author, a recording artist, an entrepreneur, and the CEO of her own company. When asked about her crazy-busy life, she said, “I think I have ADHD. I’m serious, I googled it!” Bonnie added, “I could have easily stayed with one career, but I think I’ve just harnessed my ADHD. I was never interested in school, and one career just wasn’t enough. I’m happy doing so much.”

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Last week on Big Rich Texas, Kalyn Braun got herself fired from the ranch (where she scooped poop) for flirting with the boys and showing too much boob. News traveled quickly around Woodhaven, of course, and Whitney Whatley just couldn't resist the opportunity to call Kalyn a slut at the Texas Diva Reboozing party. Insults were slurred… glass was broken… Kalyn's almost mommy came to her rescue. 

Dragging Kalyn to the car, Leslie Birkland demands, "How could you not tell me you got fired?" Kalyn is all like, whatever… all I did was flirt with boys. Tyler quips, "Hopefully just flirting." Kalyn declares, she's had a rough night and wants to stop talking about it. Leslie says, "We'll talk about it when I want to talk about it… and I want to talk about it tomorrow." Hilarious. Way to be all stern and stuff. Leslie informs Kalyn that she's now working with her at Life's A Pageant. I'm not sure if that's a step up or a step down from the ranch. 
 
Bright and early the next day, we learn that Bonnie Blossman hopes her Fiona Frost book series makes her the next J.K. Rowling. The second book of the series is ready, which calls for a party. Bonnie explains, "The main suspects of the book are a teen vampire cult, so I'm having a vampire-themed launch party." Naturally, Bonnie and Whitney shop for costumes for the party. While shopping for vampire gear, Bonnie asks Whitney why she went after Kalyn at the Texas Diva party. The short answer is… Kalyn's a skank.
 
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