Last night on Real Housewives of Miami, drama was as plentiful as the uneaten food. Joanna Krupa may or may not have caught her fiancé in the throes of a passionate affair. And Adriana de Moura may or may not have accused Karent Sierra of being a desperate delusional famewhore to her face. Oh – and best of all Mama Elsa my or may not have threatened to beat a drag queen's ass. Yep, never a dull moment in the Sunshine State!
Things begin at Alexia Echevarria's party. Karent has come guns blazing after Joanna slipped and told her Adriana was planning to confront her about famewhoring. Karent is like I'll worry about that after photos! CHEESE. That girl was in her Mecca all over the step n repeat!
Inside the party the awkwardness is palpable right away and Adriana is following Karent with narrowed eyes just waiting to strike. Karent is also acting like nothing weird has ever happened with Ana Quincoces and Rodolfo as she keeps trying to yank her in for more photos. Girl – how many photos do you need?
Last night on Real Housewives of Miami, a very careful distinction was made. And that distinction was the differences between a regular, old, run of the mill famewhore, and an uber, professional celeb-stalking, paparazzi courting, namedropping famewhore. And guess who announced themselves a member of the latter category?Karent Sierra, dentist to the stars by day, photobombing pseudo-celeb by night!
Only Bravo could find these people and give them a platform for which to promote their ridiculous endeavors? As Adriana de Moura pointed out – "Doesn't she have teeth to drill?"
But before all that drama, Romain Zago is putting his foot down with Marta Krupa. It would appear that Marta, who has no reliable job to speak of, is seeming like a freeloader to Romain, who wonders just why she doesn't help out around the house? Romain spells it out – you're taking advantage of Joanna Krupa.
Marta's all like, 'Yeah, but I like mopped the floor that one time! I help! I put a new toilet paper roll on the holder. And ummm… I, like, put the clothes away that I borrow from Joanna!' Romain chastises her for not even grocery shopping – which makes sense considering she doesn't have a job so how exactly would she buy food? Anyway, Marta, who's a serious actress, announces she's moving in with Fembot Fakenstein. Romain is like don't let the door hit you – and take out the trash on your way out!
Last night on Real Housewives of Miami, the battle lines were drawn as the women divided into three groups: The Nasty Nicies, The Above The Dramas, and The Something To Proves. I'll let you do the sorting over who goes where since it doesn't require very much brain power.
Things begin with a heart-to-heart on the beach between Romain Zago and Joanna Krupa. Could it get anymore romance movie than that? Two attractive people, strolling side-by-side, the tension is palpable, Romain is concerned: is Joanna drinking too much? She's embarrassed them both and he has no idea what's wrong with her! Joanna is mildly defensive, but mostly empathetic. Oh – and she so doesn't have a drinking problem!
Then Adriana de Moura comes on to the scene. Romain decides this is the perfect moment to tell Joanna that Adriana was throwing herself at him. Joanna is aghast. How unclassy. And she would know; she's read Class With The Countess cover to cover at least five times. Joanna sniffs that Romain can have Adriana – plenty of other men will take her. Romain is like 'Oh yeah? I mean you used to be an escort, oh, I mean allegedly! And you're out-of-control when you're drunk. And you've got Marta always around. Me on the other hand… "catch" is my middle name.'
What happens when you take a show centered around a cooking club in Miami and splice and edit it into a housewives show? You get a boring season with a confusing dinner party in each episode. However, what happens when you revamp that season, let the ladies know to bring the drama, and replace some Basketball Wives with a supermodel and some successful surgically enhanced professionals? Amazingness…that's what. The only constant is Mama Elsa.
Real Housewives of Miami has certainly found its footing as a legitimate member of the Bravo franchise. These women (and their ginormous boobs!) certainly know how to bring the drama. Case in point? Joanna Krupa had a meltdown of epic proportions on the most recent episode, ruining the 10th anniversary party for her fiance's nightclub…all thanks to a cheating DJ. Now that's what I'm talking about, ladies!
Things got crazy last night, yes they did. Somebody likes her drinky a little too much – and doesn't like her fiancé enough. So – before all that blown out of proportion melt-down that I thought was going to be like uber crazy, but wasn't really, happened – everyone talked about how much the like their maids, how much they don't like each other, and about how Lea Black's friend is blaming Marysol Patton for ruining her life.
Things begin with Joanna and fiancé Romain 'just waking up' and Joanna is sporting a full face of make-up, plus false eyelashes and some revealing lingerie. Yeah, I totally look like that when I wake up too. Sadly, Romain is more interested in his blackberry than sexytimes in front of the cameras. What no sex tape aspirations?
Feeling defeated, Joanna heads into the bathroom to yell at her sister Marta who reveals she's moving in with Fembot Fakenstein for a while because Romain hates her and she hates him too. I just can't get that worked up about anything before coffee, but clearly I don't have the Krupa temper – or penchant for over-reacting!
I don't know about y'all but I am totally loving Real Housewives of Miami thus far. I don't know why; it's got a fun vibe, a rich vibe, and a kooky one. So that means next season someone will be a suicidal drug addict who escapes from Promises welding a stiletto as a weapon and is on a homicidal rampage after plastic surgery made her a cyclops and her AMEX Black Card was cut up at the Saks White Sale because her husband declared bankruptcy after it came out that he was selling aftermarket implants. Anyone that gets the Troop Beverly Hills nod in this sentence wins my eternal love.
Anyway, enough about my super secret gift as a medium (watch it Alison DuBois – I'm comin' for you electronic cig blazing!), let's talk shop and get to the recap.
Things begin with gossip before breakfast – or maybe it was lunch – I couldn't tell. Alexia Echevarria comes over to Ana Quincoces' house to discuss the delusions of Karent Sierra. See Karent isn't just clueless about how to spell "Karen," she's also clueless about boyfriend Rodolpho's definition of the word "boyfriend."
Alexia does not like Karent right off the bat, she thinks she is icy and aloof. I agree. Something about her just doesn't translate well. Ana just seems to think it's odd that Karent is completely in the dark about Rodolpho's texting habits.
In a sit-down with Hollywood Life, Alexia Echevarria confesses that Karent just irked her from the very first moment. Yikes! “I think the one that is [crawling under my skin] is Karent,” Alexia shares.
“You’ve haven’t had the pleasure to meet her but I’m sure she’ll do the same thing to you. In episode one, you don’t really see it, but I knew her from before. She gave me a very cold greeting so I took it very personally. This was my first time out in six months and I saw her with her smile … and it did bother me because she did know me,” Alexia adds.
Other ladies have dished that Karent causes a lot of drama this season – and apparently she's also invading the non-reality world with her chaos. Remember how Lindsay Lohan ran someone over in NYC on Wednesday night? If you watched Anderson Live while were live-blogging the show yesterday, you got to hear an indepth discussion about from TMZ's Harvey Levin.
So, the Real Housewives of Miami are back, and this season they have apparently been informed that they are actually part of the housewives franchise and not some random reality show that is formatted around cooking parties. Baby steps.
While four new women join the fray, the "veterans" are out numbered…unless you count Mama Elsa twice, and, let's face it, she is so awesome she deserves the extra credit. Her daughter, Marysol Patton, appears to maintain her status as the voice of reason, although sadly she's missing one hot, foreign, much younger husband. What a difference a year makes! However, regardless of what is going on in Marysol's personal life, she still seems to have a stable head on her shoulders. It's a wonder she was even chosen by Bravo given her propensity to avoid drama. Who am I kidding? She totally got this gig because Andy Cohen wanted Elsa. End of story.