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Alexis Bellino

Us Weekly‘s annual Hot Bodies issue is out on newsstands and just who found themselves the recipient of such title but three of our Housewives friends!

Gretchen, Melissa, and Alexis all got together to talk being hot and how they stay that way while posing as fifties housewives in cute retro swimsuits. All the ladies are in their thirties – and they look phenomenal – photoshop or no!

About her appearance Alexis Bellino, who has admitted to struggling with an eating disorder in the past and has had several surgical enhancements says: “I’m done picking myself apart. Life’s too short to spend another month recovering.” Did I hear this correctly – Jesus Barbie is over plastic surgery?! Well, I guess hell does freeze over.

Alexis also shares that she’s over obsessing about what she eats. “I won’t give up red wine, chocolate, or carbs.” Say whatever you want about ol’ Lex, but she looks fantastic for three kids and eating carbohydrates.

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Last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Orange County was all about the things we do for love. Some women finally change their name after a decade of marriage, some women overlook grifting opportunists because they bring her coffee, and some women… well they’ll just leave their man alone from 10-2 everyday so he can pretend to do stuff. Love is a powerful thing, but equally powerful is denial. I feel like Heather Dubrow needs to start teaching a class about how to have an adult relationship.

The other thing that happened was the sort of not so epic Tamra Barney vs. Alexis Bellino showdown. T’was sort of, I dunno, meh… and predictable.

Ok, so we begin with Brooks Ayers descending upon Vicki Gunvalson‘s office with of all things Starbucks. Blessed Starbucks. Hey, I’m a girl who loves her coffee and I wouldn’t throw a man out the door for bringing me lattes he bought on my credit card.

Shockingly Brooks was only bearing breakfast, not a folder full of Hallmark cards. Remember those wallets everyone’s dad used to have before smartphones and iPads – the ones with the flip out photo holder? I think Brooks has one full of affirmations and inspirational quote cards. Need a lift, I’ve got good tidings to go! I bet he just whips them out whenever Vicki starts asking too many questions.

Vicki tells Mr. Hallmark about the fight with Briana Culberson, including that Briana called him an opportunist. Brooks starts rambling on about how Briana has truth, her truth and I can see him straining to remember that Joel Osteen segment on being the best you you can be. Truthfully though, I think Brooks handled it well. Vicki doesn’t understand why Briana is upset, after all she’s always been the perfect mother! Yep – she said that.

Naturally, Vicki thinks Briana has daddy issues because of her father and Donn. I wonder if Briana has daddy issues or mommy issues? Vicki cries that she is tired of her life being under construction, she just wants her life to be finished product. Are these two perfect for each other or what? Love tanks, construction zones, what’s next? A garden analogy?

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If you were watching last week’s Real Housewives of Orange County, you know there was an quite the jaw dropping scene, and I’m not talking about Alexis Bellino’s birthday speech.  Vicki Gunvalson and newlywed daughter Briana Culberson got into quite the war of words regarding Vicki’s new beau Brooks Ayers and Briana’s new husband Ryan…you know, the guy who took Vicki’s one and only daughter to a drive-thru wedding chapel.  She just can’t get over that, can she?  Briana even goes as far as saying that her mother was having an emotional affair with Brooks while still married to Donn.  Vicki discusses the fight in this week’s Bravo blog:

When I was in Briana’s condo having this terribly heated discussion with her, I knew no matter what I said, I wasn’t going to convince her to accept Brooks and I dating. For that matter, no matter what she said was not going to convince me that marrying Ryan so quickly was the best decision either. I believe no matter who I was dating, she would have reacted the same way. It wasn’t Brooks in particular; it was me dating in general.

What you didn’t see is I left her home in tears, and just sat in the street and prayed, cried, and prayed some more. I realized it was not the end of the world if my daughter does not like the man I am dating.

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Well that was certainly shocking wasn’t it? Last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Orange County had it all. There were princesses, and puppies, and inappropriately placed speeches, and engagement rings, and diarrhea, and luxury bathrooms where champagne happened but diarrhea did not, and trains, and surgery, and there was also that fight where Briana Culberson called Vicki Gunvalson out on having an emotional affair. Yeah – so how ’bout that bombshell? Whew… I’m still speechless!

So where do we begin with these fine orange specimens of botoxed, bleached glory? Oh, yes we start at the Barbie-ests of them all’s house – Princess Alexis von Nosenjob Boobersmidts Tannorexia of Rent-a-mcmansions (aka Alexis Bellino) She’s a stunning example of a queenly and dignified life. Princess Von Boobersmidts is on the precipice of the entertainment event of the year. The grand gala of puppies and princesses. A ball where all the fairest, and grandest, and “wealthiest” come from miles around. Descending down the steps of their giant SUVs covered in glitter and filled with fillers. Oh, it’s an event to say the least.

Yes, Alexis is throwing a princess puppy party for her four-year-old twin daughters Melania and McKenna. Alexis has assistants and party planners and movers shuffling around giant ornate over-stuffed hideous rent-a-couches in order to make room for the bevvy of puppies that will be dropped onto the scene the next morning. In the middle of all of this our very busy princess takes a break for a statelyevening ritual… spray tanning. She’s so busy, but a lady is nothing without her orange glow.

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Judging from the turnout for the launch of his new book, I don’t think Andy Cohen is “over” his Housewives.

Andy’s new book “Most Talkative: Stories From the Front Lines of Pop Culture” released this week and he celebrated in style – with all of his favorite Bravolebrity BFFs and his mom, Evelyn (seen above)!

Among the reality stars in attendance at the SUR Lounge: Brad Goreski, Alexis Bellino, Gretchen Rossi, Slade Smiley, Dimitri Charalambopoulos, Camille Grammer, Kathy Griffin, Jenni Pulos, Heather Dubrow, Taylor Armstrong, Asa Soltan Rahmati, Mercedes “MJ” Javid, Reza Farahan, Patti Stanger, Brandi Glanville, Kathy Hilton, Kyle Richards, Lisa Vanderpump, Adrienne Maloof, Paul Nassif, Mike Shouhed and more!

And of course, it wouldn’t be a true Bravo event without some drama! Tamara Tattles got some juicy behind-the-scenes gossip – including rumors that many of the Housewives weren’t invited, despite Andy claiming they were ALL included. Also, Taylor Armstrong was reportedly enjoying the free booze – shocking, we know! You can get the rest of the dish here.

[Photo credit: FayesVision/WENN]

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Alexis Bellino is everybody’s favorite ditzy, delusional, hypocritical Jesus Barbie and together with her husband Jim Bellino they have provided countless hours of amusement to us fans. Well, unfortunately, that may soon come to an end!

LA Late News is reporting that Jim and Alexis may be leaving Real Housewives of Orange County! Which would break my heart, I swear it! Jim has been repeatedly negative about the show: refusing to film, then refusing to appear with the other women on the show, then agreeing to film in diminished capacity while doing a weekly blog speaking out against the editing, the storylines, and the other Housewives.

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Well, it seems Mr. Hallmark has grown tired of filling the tank of Ms. Sugar Mama. Despite Vicki Gunvalson‘s protestations of everlasting love plus a lifetime supply of affirmations and Chicken Soup For The Real Housewives Soul, perhaps Brooks Ayers can take no more!

RadarOnline is reporting that Vicki’s tanks are running on empty again as Brooks has soured on the relationship because people started poking into his scamming ways. “Brooks is totally at the point of dumping Vicki,” a source reveals.

Unfortunately he has developed a nasty case of famewhoreitis, which as we know from Kim Kardashian is just almost incurable! “Problem is, he really enjoys all the fame and attention that goes with dating her, so looks like he will be hanging on for a little longer to milk it for all it’s worth.” Whoa- I guess he’s also developed a case of Slave Slimeys! Gloaming onto a reality star in the desperate hopes that you’ll procure a spinoff. Sadly, as we’ve learned from Slave it’s just as likely that someone will go digging around into your past and find even more incriminating stuff!

It seems Brooks has left his four children in Mississippi and has been living with Vicki, but her OCD ways are little too much for the walking Nicholas Sparks quotation to bear. “He recently relocated to Orange County to be closer to her and that’s proven to be a complete disaster. He says he feels constantly irritated and annoyed by her and finds her possessive and controlling,” the source dishes. So, when she started buying his clothes three months into the relationship that wasn’t a sign?

“But, he loves being in the spotlight and really wants more fame for himself, and let’s face it, he’s not going to get that if he splits up with her right now.” Conundrum!

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On last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Orange County I finally was able to see discernible evidence that Briana Wolfsmith is indeed Vicki Gunvalson‘s daughter. Last night, there were boobs and people acting like boobs, there was wine and people whining, and there was cheese and Brooks Ayers and well…it doesn’t get anymore cheesy than him! I don’t even know what to say about that one – except he isn’t dabombdotcom!

Things began with Vicki and Tamra Barney shopping for new bras. Tamra is excited to get sized for her new titties and is completely disheartened to learn she’s still a D. Apparently European sizes are failing her. whaaa-whaaa. Even more upsetting, Vicki is a DOUBLE F. Yes, FF! For Freaking Frazy!

Vicki and Tamra are in a tizzy until they see how sensational their boobies look in the new bras. Vicki scoffs that she hates really huge boobs, which is why she chastised Tamra for getting a reduction?

Tamra races over to the bridal lingerie section and practically bellows, ‘LOOK VICKI – FOR BRIANA!’ while Vicki is like, ‘shhhhh shhhhhhhhh – I don’t want anyone to know! I’m so embarrassed!’ Tamra reveals Vicki has told her about Briana’s elopement and she understands why Vicki is upset. Then Vicki starts freaking out about how HER life is ruined because SHE doesn’t get to throw a wedding or a shower or buy a dress. And the wedding is about HER! Tamra worries Briana may have made a mistake.

Vicki intones that if she doesn’t support Briana, she will lose her so she has to pretend she is OK with these surprise nuptials. Even though she wants to strangle Ryan – but only once she convinces him to get an insurance policy in Briana’s name. Ok, I made that last part up. Vicki would never strangle anyone. Coto Insurance providing your family and loved ones with IRAs and all your insurance needs!

I can understand Vicki‘s point; a wedding, whether anyone wants to admit it or not, is more than just the bride and every mother does want to plan a dream day for her daughter. Perhaps Vicki is shell-shocked, but I do think she’s over-reacting just a tad. Especially since Briana told her she did in fact want a wedding. Vicki needs to pay a visit to her shrink, get a Xanax Rx and go sit by the pool for a while downing some WinesbyWives approved libations. Then when she’s ready to act normal-ish she can return to society and be supportive.

Moving on, Slave Smiley is strapping on some spandex – hot (not!) – and going for a bike ride with Gretchen Rossi‘s dad. One needs a full-on racing ensemble to cruise around the local park? Good to know… Slave has something very, very important to ask Papa Rossi.

Gretchen is also preparing – she’s been doing so since 8am when she woke up and it’s now lunchtime. She’s getting ready for lunch with Tamra. Good lord – how long do you think Gretchen spends applying make-up and styling her hair each day? It must be in the double digit hours. It takes a lot of time to look that cheap! Gretchen has something to talk to her new bestest friend and closest confidante about.

And she hopes Tamra and Slavey will become close as well. When hell freezes over, friend, when hell freezes over. And ironically that’s about when Gretchen is going to shimmy into a big white dress and waltz down the aisle to bid her ‘I Dos!’ to Slave!

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