Jax Taylor

Ariana Madix and Tom Sandoval on WWHL

Ariana Madix must feel like a kindergarten teacher most days – you know, that moment when you look around and notice that you are literally the ONLY adult in the room? Despite this phenomenon, the Vanderpump Rules star says she’s been fairly happy with how this season has gone thus far, and with the fan feedback she’s been getting. But she does warn that things are about to get crazier (than usual?) during the second half of season five – and that she’ll inevitably get caught up in the madness.

Of the mid-season VPR trailer released this week, Ariana says, “It looks really intense. It’s funny, because everything has been pretty good so far, but now I’m getting kind of nervous for the rest of the season. It’s really ramping up.”

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Ariana at Katie's Bridal shower

So, do we think Brittany Cartwright‘s mama is going to be successful in her quest to get Jax Taylor into a church?! If so, will the holy water turn him into liquefied jelly – or will he start speaking in tongues?! Oh wait, he already does… Yes, an exorcism must be done on Vanderpump Rules, but shockingly, Jax isn’t the one who needs it. OK, maybe he does, but not as bad as some people…

So let me tell you a little story about a Three-Headed SheBeast named KriStasstie – if that sounds like a very weird food served in an eastern European prison, or a disease you probably do not want to contract from a monkey, well, it’s not far off.

This is the story about three women who have absolutely NO IDEA how unimportant their opinions are, and their self-aggrandized delusions about their amazing friendships are, well, sad. Really sad. Thank goodness we have the ‘boyfriend stealing’ Ariana Madix, of the dewy mermaid skin and evil eye to put them in their place. And their place is out by the dumpsters at SUR. Who knows…they may even be puking in them.

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Stassi Schroeder & Kyle Cooke

Stassi Schroeder had Kyle Cooke as her most recent podcast guest. Kyle is the blonde guy from Summer House who compared Stassi (in her turtleneck swimsuit) to Steve Jobs. “That scene made my year,” Stassi laughs. Kyle actually wore a turtleneck to the interview.

Apparently, Kyle is more than just a drunken womanizer! He’s a businessman who is starting an app to provide dating advice in 2017. Stassi quizzed him, and they dished on their disastrous ‘hook-up attempt’ in Montauk, some behind-the-scenes Jax Taylor gossip, and Kyle’s various business ventures. (Yes, he already has products for the Bravo Home Shopping Network!).

Kyle is very well-spoken and sounds thoughtful and intelligent. I actually enjoyed listening to his perspectives.

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Stassi Schroeder

During a recent episode of Watch What Happens Live, Andy Cohen was doing what he could to set up Stassi Schroeder with Timber Creek Lodge star Mark Milburn. And to be honest, it really didn’t seem like he was off base. They’re both attractive Bravo stars and they had a lot of matching answers when Andy quizzed them on various dating preferences. So did they actually end up going out?

It would be pretty cool if Stassi and Mark ended up dating, especially since Andy set up Jenny McCarthy and Donnie Wahlberg during an episode of WWHL and they are now happily married. Plus, it’s rare for Stassi to be single, so I feel like it’s not going to last for long. Still, even though they had a lot of the same answers during Andy’s game, that might not do it for Stassi. She seems to be pretty picky, but then again she dated Jax Taylor for years, so what the hell am I talking about?

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Stassi in Montak

On last night’s Vanderpump Rules, we learned that Stassi Schroeder‘s problems with men run deep. Like down in the beautiful, briny sea deep. She’s also being strangled in turtleneck-form by her own ill-advised hubris.

Now, I must do a disclaimer with this recap: Do not expect my usual greatness of prose mixed with pearls of wisdom, as I have the worst cold I have ever had in my human existence. And I feel like garbage. Like what Tequila Katie (minus Tom 2) may smear on Scheana Marie‘s overly-contoured face.

Can we talk about Scheana? Ho-ly does that girl need a ‘stink face’ removal procedure. Didn’t anyone warn her that her face will freeze that way if she makes a poop face immediately after getting Botox? I mean, I get it – she has a hard-earned summer body to protect, but lighten up and eat a lil’ clam. I hear Kristen Doute loves them.

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Vanderpump Rules & Summer House cast in Cabo

Several of the stars of Vanderpump Rules headed to Cabo to party into the New Year. Along for the trip were Lauren Wirkus and Ashley Wirkus, twins, and stars of the new Bravo show Summer House. (They made a cameo on Pump Rules earlier in the season).

Kristen Doute, her boyfriend Carter, Brittany Cartwright and Jax Taylor, Tom 2 and Katie Too, plus Stassi Schroeder and their friend Rachel O’Brien all hopped on a plane to spend New Year’s Eve beach-style. Naturally, since reality stars cannot do anything without a selfie-stick in the hand which isn’t holding a cocktail, the cast shared plenty of photos of their debauched and relaxing beach week.

Click below to check out their pics below!

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Ariana & Brittany in Sonoma

Last night’s Vanderpump Rules featured dueling birthday trips – one made no attempt to be classy and the other pretended to be something they’re not.

First up, Ariana Madix grabbed the Toms and Jax Taylor for an RV trek around Sonoma Wine Country, which ground to a halt at a NASCAR track for wieners and wienies. The wienie being Tom 1 who whined and cried – in front of Ariana’s brother no less – that Ariana doesn’t find his man bun and overall short-alls attractive enough to f–k. The poor Toms – it seems they have something in common, in that their ladies would rather do anything but them.

But first there was the drama over The Missing Lala.

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Lisa fires James again

Get your Tom + Katie tea towels ready to clean up the muck that has become Vanderpump Rules!

Recovering from Christmas and an ultimate cookie binge, the last thing I’m in the mood for is whining from Katie Maloney and Stassi Schroeder. But, alas, I am nothing if not a consummate professional, so I have wrenched myself from the sluggish glut of a living room filled with wrapping paper (how many calories does wading through wrapping paper burn?) to complete this recap. Happy holidays! Katie just blew her life savings on $18.00 custom tea towels, and her life now consists of hatefully glaring at Tom Schwartz while folding said towels into cardboard boxes, wrapping the whole thing with twine, and mailing it. In case you were wondering wtf: that’s her wedding invite.

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