Last week's episode of Princesses: Long Island ended with Ashlee Whitepoofing into thin air. I don't know about you guys but I've barely been able to sleep, eat, or care for my children. Worry consumes me! What if bad people kidnap Ashlee and force her to eat mixed cheese? What if she breaks a heel? What if Ashlee's parents hightail it outta Long Island before she's found? Who will care for little orphan Ashlee?
Thankfully, Chanel Omari is on the case, looking high and low for Ashlee. Mostly low. Winery employees can barely contain their smirks. I have a feeling they couldn't care less about Long Island's precious little snowflake. They're clearly bad people. Meanwhile, Chanel sobs, "All I can think about is, what's happening to her right now?" I know. I know! Cheeses, heels, orphans, it's all too much to process at once. Chanel adds, "I can't think about losing Ashlee forever." It's like she can read my mind!
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So, I'm not sure if you're aware, but the big gossip surrounding Princesses: Long Island is Joey Lauren's "persecution" of Ashlee White. HAHA. Ashlee is delusional – with a capital D – and her take on her ongoing feud with Joey is hilarious. Did you know Joey went after Ashlee at Amanda Bertoncini's white party? For no reason, Joey angrily screamed at Ashlee, "Nobody's on your side!" Is this bish for real? Her little recap leaves out the part where she tells Joey that none of "her" friends like her just to hurt her feelings.
"Love your enemies," advises the little wise one troll. "Just in case your friends turn out to be schmucks."
Am I sleeping? Is this a nightmare? I need a break from Ashlee – who's next? Ah, obnoxious Amanda and her speech challenged sister Taylor, of course. Bravo clearly has a mean spirited sense of humor. Amanda and Taylor are shopping. And talking. Amanda asks, "Want some Froooyooo?" and Taylor responds, "Froyo makes you lose weight, right?" Sure, it also boosts brain power, so eat up!
Ashlee's parents are away for the night. Ashlee reveals that she's hosting a sleepover in lieu of sleeping alone like a big girl. What, no nanny? Then, Ashlee's mom calls to check in, and the wretched troll complains about a mixed cheese tray. "I'm not serving mixed cheese – that's disgusting," she says. "Poor people mix things."
Ashlee's sleepover guests include Chanel and Amanda. The girls change into their sleep attire – footed jammies with a diaper flap for Ashlee, satin nightie for Chanel, and Frederick's of Hollywood for Amanda – and settle in for some wine, rich people cheese, and a game of Never Have I Ever. I swear, these women get more annoying every single week.
It's never a dull moment with the girls of Princesses: Long Island. Last night there was more girl drama and PDA to go around, but thankfully the ladies refrained from drink throwing and ugly cry mode. They're really maturing, aren't they?
Joey Lauren, Amanda Bertoncini, andErica Gimbeldecide to go on a run, and I think it's time for Erica to invest in a sports bra. I'm also super curious as to what Amanda is wearing on her bottom half. The girls dish about Chanel Omari's bizarre behavior at Amanda's Drink Hanky party, and Joey questions Ashlee White's snobbery. She gets teary when she hears that Ashlee tried to get Erica and Amanda not to like her. While Amanda likes Ashlee, she knows her friend looks down on Joey for not coming from money. Erica and Amanda give Joey tips on how to compose a mature text to Ashlee to resolve their differences.
Meanwhile, Chanel is channeling her inner SJP circa Square Pegs and meeting with her rabbi in some very Mo Rocco shades. She needs his guidance after her breakdown at the white party. He basically tells her to suck it up and show restraint in the face of drink throwing asshats, although he's much more eloquent. When she expresses her fears over never marrying, he urges her to use Jewish history as inspiration to know that nothing is impossible. I may need to schedule a session with Rabbi Cohen.
Have you heard? Princesses: Long Island star Chanel "Coco" Omari is 27 years old and not married. I repeat – NOT married. Broken. So sad. Disgrace to Longuyland. Tune in next week to see Chanel's public stoning. Obviously, I kid (at least I hope) about the stoning, but is this pity party for real?
Chanel's younger sister, Ashley, is engaged to be married, and poor broken Chanel doesn't even have a boyfriend. The hits keep coming when Chanel helps shop for Ashley's bridal gown. At the dress shop, Mom introduces Ashley, the bride, and Chanel, the sister, and the shop clerk asks if Chanel is the "little sister" as if it's relevant and/or any of her business. After a brief moment of silence, Chanel reveals that she's actually the older sister, and then the store clerk buys the first ticket to Chanel's stoning.
Just for kicks – Ashley insists that Chanel try on a wedding gown. Mom prays, "God willing, Chanel will meet someone," and Chanel weeps. "Sometimes I just want to be normal like everyone else and do the same things like everyone else is doing," she cries. "It's really difficult when you feel like you're always on a different page."
This week, Amanda Bertoncini and Joey Lauren hawk their "ticket to easy street" inventions, the Drink Hanky and Kissamint, and Ashlee White thinks she's adorable when she drops $5300 of her daddy's money on high heels.
First, Chanel tells Amanda that ex-boyfriend Michael, who dumped her twice to hook up with his 19-year-old ex-girlfriend, is trying to weasel his way back into her life. Chanel vows to never let that happen again. Amanda tries on a tank top and pretends that is a "super hot" dress. Oy. She best not show too much vagina or her boyfriend will run away. Finally, the princesses try on a few more dresses and get "Coco Bootylicious" in the store.
While having her hair done for the party, Ashlee jokes about turning 30 while looking 4. HAHA. Can someone please explain to Ashlee that "too little to ride alone at Disney" does not equate "looks 4 years old"? She looks like she's pushing 40. Ashlee goes on to to brag about her "huge" party because she's annoying like that.
Joey doesn't take herself too seriously. She seems witty, down to earth, and kind-hearted. Hands down, Joey is the bright spot in this dismal – albeit highly entertaining for all the wrong reasons – mess.