Aaaahhh… Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. There comes a time in every recappers tenure when she is just beyond blown away by what appeared before them on the screen. And taking one's mother-in-law to Hustler and grinding on them has knocked me over.
Carlton Gebbia takes her hubby David along with her mother-in-law to Hustler to choose lingerie for her "playroom". Listen – I mean the storyline is gross as is, but you couldn't pick a classier place than Hustler?
Carlton is like thongs – no big – my mum-in-law has pulled babies out my vagina. Then she proceeds to educate MIL on what "DTF" means and huffs the F— word in the ladies face like she's going to vampire her. This is a preclude to the main event where Carlton puts on a teeny-tiny bikini and drops it like it's hot on her MIL's lap. Apparently her MIL accepts Carlton because David loves her. David needs inpatient therapy.
Taking to her Bravo blog, she begins, "Burlesque room…I am sooo excited to do this surprise room for my husband. Our home is so open plan with very few doors, so not much room for privacy with our kiddies. With this room at least we are home, but safely locked away downstairs. I want it to have a burlesque feel with a platform, as David loves to watch me dance so this would be perfect. Years ago I used to dance (ballet and modern mainly). I love to make our relationship fun and sexy, and, 18 years later, I think we've done a pretty good job."
Joyce starts off on Yolanda's dinner party, "At the very beginning of the episode we see Yolanda saying "I'm almost 50 years old. We don't do teams. She then adds: "We are not in high school." Wouldn't it be great if she could keep her word. . . Yolanda says she wanted to go out of her way to make her dinner beautiful — and she did prepare a dinner with fantastic food, a stunning setting, and excellent performers." She circles back to these words later in her blog.
Yolanda Foster is planning a dinner party to honor HER KING. It's David-galore and all about David. I wonder what flowers David likes? Probably the ones that bloom in his presence – he is quite miraculous that way!
On the other side of town in a poor, sad subdivision where normal people who don't have houses built on a foundation of Grammy awards and or a fridge made of diamonds spun from the hair of virgin, albino Persian cats, Brandi is searching for her poor lost dog Chica. Awww… poor Chica. While Brandi annoys the bejesus out of me – and adding to that annoyance is the presence of Kyle in a pirate-themed Kaftan from Kylene By Too Many Kraptans – I totally understand the loss of a pet.
For Christmas, all I want is for Brandi Glanville to stop making excuses for her recent behavior on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Y'all know me. I was Team Brandi for a long time. However it irks me to no end when people claim to take responsibility for their actions and then qualify the blame elsewhere in my next breath. It's like a thief saying "I really shouldn't have robbed that bank because it was wrong. However, it really should have had a better security system." Um no. That's not how it works.
After last week's episode, Brandi is very apologetic for her drunken antics. She's embarrassed. It was wrong…but Joyce Giraud made her do it! Because of editing we won't get to see what a horrible person Joyce is…or at least that's what Brandi wants us to believe.
Things begin with Dinner Party From Hell 8.0. Kyle Richards and Yolanda Foster are agreeing to disagree by disagreeing when Brandi Glanville stares Kyle down with an unfocused glare and some threatening, slurry words about how she could say a lot of bad things about Kyle. Bad, bad things. Like for real mean stuff.
Lisa Vanderpump warns her to knock it off, but "know this" Brandi sees things. Weren't you just waiting for her to whip out that electronic cigarette?! Brandi was a wreck and needs: blotting papers, powder, detox, a nap, water, psych drugs, to get off my TV.
I'm not sure what it says about Real Housewives of Beverly Hills that Kim Richards is most grounded and coherent participant this season. Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled to see Kim so healthy (and hilarious!), but she seems to be the only one with any sort of sense. Discussing Monday's episode, Kim is quick to call out Brandi Glanville's deplorable behavior while noting that her friend no doubt regrets her actions. She also sympathizes with Joyce Giraud's attempts to host a nice weekend while dismissing Yolanda Foster and Lisa Vanderpump as rude. She's really kind of spot on with her entire assessment.
Taking to her Bravo blog, Kim begins, "Once we got settled in our rooms we headed straight to the pool. Right off the bat it just didn't feel right, and there was a lot of tension. The push for Joyce to take her sundress off! Look, in my opinion Joyce invited us all down to have a good time and to do whatever we wanted in a beautiful home. She had a chef to prepare nice dinners and planned activities, but the rest should be up to us. If you want to swim, then swim. If you want to take a walk, then take a walk. There should be no rules except to just come have a good time. I have hosted many trips in my life and just because it is my trip, doesn't mean I have to babysit. For instance, when I took my friends to Hawaii once, some people wanted to lie out while others wanted to shop or go marlin fishing. You can't be with everyone at the same time. I thought it was a little ridiculous for Yolanda to tell Joyce how to handle herself. I mean grow up!"