Last night on Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills, stars rose, hearts sunk, and Kim Richards‘ daughter got married in a gorgeous wedding, which was sweet and lovely and made me wanna be nice to Kim. I imagine that will be short-lived.
In what is surely the very definition of hell, Yolanda Foster is trapped on a rent-a-yacht in the middle of the ocean with Kyle Richards after receiving the news that her daughter Bella (soon to be known as The Disowned One) got a DUI. Yolanda sniffles through telling us that poor Bella had only ONE glass of wine and got pulled over. The injustice! Yolanda isn’t sure how to handle her children growing up and making decisions without her input. It hits her on an additional level because her father died in a car accident and she can’t believe Bella would be so careless.
Kyle Richards is preparing for another family vacation – this time on a 100-foot yacht in Mallorca, Spain. One of Kyle’s daughters is already in the South of France for a week with a friend and will be meeting the family in Spain. “Such is the life!” trills Kyle with faux humility. Kyle’s storyline this season seems to be an inferiority complex about proving she’s rich. Every episode is her pretending to be humble, while covertly bragging about flying private and living luxe but she’s actually squee-ing inside that finally she’s arrived. I’m just waiting to see her in a “Very Rich Bitch” t-shirt ala NeNe Leakes.
Before Kyle gets packing she visits to Kim Richards, who is preparing for her daughter Brooke’s wedding and wants to preview her Mother Of The Bride dresses. Everything at Kim’s house is scattered, decorated with rejects from early 90′s TV sets, and filled with deathly ill children – it’s all an evil ploy to make Kyle too sick for Mallorca so Kim can go instead, bond with Yolanda Foster, and cosy up to a wealthy Spanish gentleman! “Lysol – take me away!” Kyle puts her hair around her face like a mask to protect her from the germs. Kim’s dress is lovely – good for her.
Last night I had written the perfect recap in my mind, but then I fell asleep. When is read-a-brain scan technology coming out? Anyway, y’all will now have to be stuck with my sloppy seconds morning after recap of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills. I hope it will suffice.
Lisa Rinna is celebrating a fabulous 50+ birthday. She peruses her closet, with the assistance of her daughters, to pick out the perfect out for her birthday dinner at PUMP. I love a BH closet – if we could spend the entire show in various closets – they could eat dinner in there, drink wine, argue – and we’d just be distracted by looking at all the glorious clothes.
Having glorious scenes at restaurants will also suffice. Lisa Vanderpump throws Lipsa’s birthday dinner at PUMP. LVP has Ken decked out in the family approved color of Vanderpinkie – they need a family crest of sparkly Pomeranian dyed bright pink. Lipsa is amazed by how gorgeous everything looks. Kyle Richards and Mauricio attend. Kyle waxes hairetic about how laughing with LVP is the part of their friendship she loves. Subtext: what she misses is partaking in free wine and food, while hob-nobbing with A-litsters.
Brandi Glanville apologized to Adrienne Maloof for surrogate-gate, because she doesn’t want it to be “awkward” when they run into each other. Uh-huh. We all know Brandi’s ulterior motive is that she needs to get to Adrienne before Lisa Vanderpump gets to her! This apology, where Brandi subtly attempted to drop hints to Adrienne that she was working on Lisa’s behalf, was another attempt of Brandi’s to join the chess team. Listen honey – stick to checkers.
Somewhere in the murky wilds between last season of RHOBH and this one, Brandi and Kim Richards became friends. Necessity is the mother of invention so the two people no one else wants to be friends with get stuck with each other. At least there were wigs!
Last night we welcomed Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills season 5! Yay! Although some things have changed – LISA RINNA IS HERE! – many things have stayed the same. Lisa Vanderpump is still fabulous and everyone is blaming her for being so, while pretending they are SO OVER that Lisa is able to get away with being snooty, snippy, and a little dismissive because she’s fun and glamorous, and pink – like a pussy!
Also, staying the same, although looking a bit more, shall we say, tweaked – is Brandi Glanville! Brandi’s face is ’bout to freeze in the the sour lemon sneer if she don’t shape up, because she is getting more bitter by the second. Brandi wants everyone to forget that she led last season’s mutiny against Lisa – correction: she wants Lisa to forget, but she also wants Lisa to accept that it was her fault that Brandi was forced to do it.
Things I realize about Brandi: she just can’t be happy, she doesn’t want to grow-up. She must have drama, and she’s only all about the truth and people owning up when it’s about other people.
Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills is back, but before we welcome the new, let’s recap the old! In season 4 the cast tried to tackle issues of betrayal, religion, and race mixed with diamonds, rosé and glamorous vacations. It didn’t work.
They also tried to drastically alter the status quo by staging a coup against Lisa Vanderpump. That also didn’t work. But it did teach us a very important lesson about intergalactic geography: Brandi Glanville is an alien invader from Planet Trash! That explains everything…
Last season introduced us to one-failure-wonders, Carlton Gebbia and Joyce Giraud (or shall we call her Hoyce, depending on how much we’ve had to drink?). Carlton made her storyline about how she was the living embodiment of all the bored middle-aged ladies yearning for their husbands to become Christian Grey, but instead they got stuck with Mr. Green who is working his boring job to pay for boob jobs, instead of tying them up with twist-ties and beating them with bananas atop the Etruscan marble breakfast nook while the maid vacuums in the background. Carlton decided to prove that a gal can have both by building a parents playroom (with the help of her icky nanny) and taking her MIL to the Hustler store for bikinis.
Of course we have to begin by rehashing the same regurgitated storyline about Kyle Richards, Lisa Vanderpump, and the cheating tabloids that never were. It's like Kyle forced Bravo to put in her contract that this matter must be discussed – at length – once per episode.
Reunions… so draining! There is rarely any fresh drama, there is a lot of preening about how certain slights are the worst slights ever-ever, while other people's feelings just cannot compare. And it's just a lot of back-n-forth nonsense. Even Andy Cohen was visibly annoyed last night. Clearly he has reached the same point the rest of us have with the Richards sisters, meaning just stop whining! Go do your splits and rambles on another show.
Before that Andy calls Brandi Glanville out on doing something to her cheeks. She denies all the fillers and claims her cheeks are real. She makes Kim touch them. Kim tentatively reaches a trembly hand out and pokes gently, before laughing nervously about how it feels like skin. Like her werepuppy. I feel like this is the first human contact Kim has had since the late-90's. Andy side-eyes Brandi.