Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills - Season 5

Welcome to a recap of Brandi Glanville‘s brief and storied history on Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills. Emerging from the shadows of the underdog to the unlikely fan-favorite she quickly collapsed into one of the most reviled Housewives in history. 

Boozdi-Brandi’s time on RHOBH spans incredible highs and incredible lows, but is dominated by her willingness to do anything in the name of drama. Brandi recently accused Bravo of encouraging her to be controversial to save the show from doldrums, but I’d say ratings disagree with that tactic. 

Below, we recap Brandi’s sordid tale from the Housewife who probably never should have been, to the Housewife who wasn’t. 


Lisa Vanderpump wants grandchildren

Man – I’m disappointed in Bravo. They left out all the fun stuff from Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills to focus on Kim “RAMBLES OF MY SOBRIETY” Richards. Yes, we missed Eileen Davidson announcing she’s driving her Ford Flex to collect her Emmy, so we could instead hear KimKillah wax poetic about all the terrible things HARRY did while Lisa Rinna was sleeping, only to deny she ever said them because she doesn’t remember, only to admit she made the whole implication up! Anyway, Bravo – more Emmys and less Kimmies. (And how gorgeous did Eileen look in her Emmy gown).

So, what else happened. Oh – Yolanda Foster “downsized.” With Mauricio as her guide towards these uncharted territories of humble abodes, Yolanda house hunted. Yes – she realized having a 4,000 tree lemon grove was just a touch too much even for her perma-master cleanse state of being, so she looked at houses in the 8,000 – 4,500 square-foot range. But oh, they were just not for Yo!


The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills - Season 5

Well I just don’t know what to say about Kim Richards other than I think Kingsley ate her sanity. Honestly. I’ll just leave it at that with Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills. Recap done!

OK, I’m kidding. But seriously – where was this so-called 11th hour smoking gun we were supposed to be getting?! Can I get a RHOBH reunion refund? I was fully preparing myself for the news that Kim and Kingsley had gotten married in Vegas and were having a child using Brandi Glanville as a surrogate.

But no… apparently the big drama was Lisa Rinna had a momentary lapse where she morphed into Brandi and threatened to F–k Kim up via text. Wielding f-bombs and empty threats is hardly exciting news – Kim and Brandi do it habitually to the point that it’s the almost menopause mama who cried “F–k!”



Do I have to rehash the deluded behaviors of Brandi Glanville and Kim Richards cause I don’t wanna! I do want to talk about Lisa Rinna‘s “Double-Standard Dance” which needs to become a Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills standard. Like, whenever someone is being a hypocritical bitch (aka all the dagone time) just jump up and start wriggling and twisting and gun finger-pointing double-standard dancing. Their faces don’t move so they’ve gotta do something to convey their disgust.

I recant… Eileen Davidson‘s face moves. I’ll add that to my long list of things I love about Eileen. Also, she can drop a read so thick with shade a bitch won’t be able to see the sun for days. Eileen and Phaedra Parks need to start conducting seminars. 

Andy asks Eileen what she was thinking joining RHOBH and she is like uhhhh… well, my life is great, my job is great, I just won an Emmy, and I wanted “a different type of drama” – well she got it! She also got wine thrown in her face and called a beast. Which – let me tell you – Eileen’s “How dare you!” rebuttal to KimKillah over the beast comment was my favorite moment of this season. It was so… Dynasty


The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills - Season 5

Last night the Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills reunion kicked off with plenty of unflattering metaphors for Brandi Glanville, who lived up to every single one of them!

I don’t want to sound like I’m bullying Brandi, but here’s the thing: if she would just own maybe a smidgen of her behavior or actions (and apologize without conditions) I think it would go a long way in everyone believing that she has a good heart, is good a mother, and is a person who at least on occasion behaves like an adult. Instead Brandi resorts to accusing Lisa Vanderpump (who can’t even be bothered to put out for Ken more than twice a year) of being desperate for the 23-year-old manwand of her son’s childhood bestie. This is because LVP called Brandi out for being too drunk too f–k her Amsterdam-ian fling (according to Andre, who unfortunately was not Skyped during the reunion!) 


RHOBH season 5 finale

Last night the Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills played a game called Intervention Telephone, but when it finally got back around to Brandi Glanville, she couldn’t remember what she even said, so she just played dumb and ran. 

The Twisted Sicksters Richards are still stranded in Palm Desert after the histrionic horrors of YOU STOLE MY HOUSE! Kim Richards insists she’s grown-up and is waiting for Kyle Richards to treat her like the “healthy, sober older sister who can take care of her life.” Except stupid Kyle is all Kim can’t even tell a vibrator from a lipstick and a Tuesday from a toadstool and God! Do I have to do everything, even cook eggs?! Man, if I were Kyle I would have put Ex-lax in the bitch’s eggs! 

Yeah, they ate eggs instead of dealing with the destruction of the night before when Kim hoarsely screeched at Kyle to give back her house right. now. Or ELSE healthy big sober super sister Kim was going to destroy her with her inventive memory and her super weapon: the gossiping drunken lips of Boozdi, a super-villain who will swoop down from the valley with lies of attrition. Kyle meekly says she’s surprised Kim stayed after what happened, Kim just eats and plots to set a bag of Kingsley’s dog poop on fire and throw it on the grill. 


Kyle Richards cries over her relationship with Kim

We’ve left Amsterdam but we haven’t left the Twisted Sisters Richards on international soil! Brandi Glanville ditched the “Menopause Mamas” of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills to hang out with someone her own age. And I realized Brandi and Kim Richards are essentially the same person, with the same behavior patterns and coping skills. 

The ladies start off the last leg of their Tour de Denial at the flower market. Earlier, while they were biking through the city Lisa Vanderpump saw a friend of her son Max. Brandi got to chatting… and other things… with said 23-year-old – lo and behold he asked her on a date, after spending the night with her. Are we sure they weren’t biking through the Red Light district? Isn’t dating your former bestie-turned-enemy-turned-stalking/slapping-recipient’s son’s friend a little, I dunno… Lifetime Movie creepy? I mean I can just picture Sela Ward playing the role of LVP. 

Brandi, wearing a Fred Flintstone costume, recounts to Kim about “play slapping” Lisa. Kim laughs that uptight Lisa can’t take a joke – like that one time super sober champion soberling Kim joked about Harry doing evil, awful things and Lisa Rinna having evil, awful secrets… does Harry keep a people-eating troll in the basement?! 



Last night on Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills (aka Real Hoodrats Of Battery Park) somebody got bitch-slapped and that somebody wasn’t Brandi Glanville or Kim Richards! Pass the smelling salts – not be confused with someone else’s cancer pain pills. 

First, the problem with Brandi: Brandi takes everything too far – jokes, glasses of wine, involvement in other’s family matters. But when called out, she doesn’t own it – she projects outward, blaming, making baseless accusations; then is shocked when karma pays her retribution. Yes, Brandi is an unhappy, wounded woman who lacks self-esteem, but at what point – like say when you’re mid-40s and jacking up your face, your friendships, and your career beyond salvation – is it time to take ownership?

Instead, Brandi changes her friends, her addresses… Sadly, now that she and Kim have found each other all hell has broken loose – literally. I think poor Amsterdam needs to get the US Embassy to intervene! Visas revoked, bitches. And yank Yolanda Foster‘s too as payback – then make David pay a hefty fine to reinstate her access. 


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