Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap

Lisa Rinna

Oh Lisa Rinna. Those lips, those lips are juicy. Last night, the ladies of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills were supposed to be relaxing in Mexico, but we all know that’s not what happened. Echoing a theme of being over the shit, Eileen Davidson preferred Montezuma’s Revenge Diarrhea to more diarrhea of drama over who said what 3,000 years ago when Montezuma ruled.

So Lipsa arrives in Mexico to a chilly greeting. Kyle Richards is reeling after learning that Lipsa blabbed what the whole world was already thinking about Kim Richards‘ state of sobriety: Kim is “mostly sober,” Kyle is an enabler, and Kim is/was “near death.” Unfortunately Lipsa chose to make these observations to Eden Sassoon, who she mistakenly believed she could trust.

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Kyle in Mexico

On last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills, newbie Eden Sassoon wised up, and Lisa Rinna‘s little “words of wisdom” came back to haunt her.

Lipsa may have been having a “mad moment” when she told Eden all about Kim Richards‘ very non-sober life (allegedly!), but Eden remembered every single word, which propelled her annoying badgering of the Twisted Sisters Richards about needing her help. Eden, tired of being hung out to dry in the cold whipping winds of Housewives, came to pay her respect to the queen, Lisa Vanderpump, beseeching her to advocate on her behalf.

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Eden gets warned by LVP

Look Bravo, I’m tired of Kim Richards. I think I may have said this before, no? In fact, if I could get through an entire season or recap of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills without saying her name it would be wonderful. I’m sure Kyle Richards feels likewise.

Instead I’d prefer an endless loop of Lisa Vanderpump, going all 20’s gangsterina waving that long cigarette around while she purred a warning to Eden Sassoon.*  Because the return of a cigarette while administering prophecy and warnings is the most classically amazing RHOBH thing ever… And this people is why LVP is my eternal favorite. Even if she is manipulating, she’s doing so with a style, glamour, and sophistication that is delightful.

LVP gives the people what they want, and the people want drama – the good kind! What people don’t want is more of Kim’s slurry excuses or Eden’s mish-mashed mumbo-jumbo. Instead put that shit in a smoothie with some of Lisa Rinna‘s Xanax!

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Lisa RInna's baggie of vitamins

Like the ziplock baggie in Lisa Rinna‘s purse, last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills had a little bit of everything, and something for everyone.

Oh Lisa Vanderpump – you saucy minx! I see your redemption campaign, smiling blithely, supremely feigning ignorance to any possible schemes, handing Dorit Kemsley a mirror and instructing her how to amputate her nose to spite her face, defending the maligned, innocent Kim Richards… I think Ms. LVP missed her calling in politics!

Last night had a tricky little moment between LVP and Dorit, didn’t it? Dorito had descended from her Nacho Cheese Delusions and spent the entire episode getting into my good graces, and also the good graces of Lipsa and Eileen Davidson, but in the last few moments, as if a switch was flipped, she all of a sudden turned a bit vituperative. Seeming to plant, to a scandalized, yet dismissive LVP that Lipsa is carrying around baggies of drugs. Now, before LVP could start alerting the police, Dorit was quick to add, as an afterthought that, the pills were “mostly” vitamins.

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Erika Jayne Expensive

I regret to inform you that last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills was, once again, all about Kim Richards‘ sobriety. At least we got to see some Erika Jayne side-boob this time though – to cover all the bases of Housewives anatomy. Honestly I can’t decide if that’s better or worse than pantygate.

The story of Kim is a sad one indeed. In fact, Kim and Kyle Richards‘ life reminds me of a book I read – a memoir written by Jack Kerouac’s daughter about her adolescence and early adulthood. I initially read it in high school and was jealous of her free-spirited life and her mother who let her do whatever she wanted; she could party, stay out all night, etc. I re-read the book in college and that time I was sad that she had zero guidance or stability.

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Lisa Rinna confronts Kim Richards

Last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills was all about mind games and the women who play them. I am becoming curiouser and curiouser about this Dorit Kemsley though, which coincidentally coincides with me getting less and less enamored with Eileen Davidson.

Things continue at Camille Grammer‘s Luncheon From Hell, which really wasn’t all that hellish after all. It kind of fizzled and popped, then went flat like day-old Perrier. What Dorit wanted to finish telling Eileen is that she feels constantly on the defense with these women. I feel like it’s true that Dorit is under laser-focus, but I also feel like Dorit is trying too hard, then imagines people are constantly scrutinizing her. Her affiliation with the sleaziness that is PK doesn’t help.

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It's Dorit's World

Well, as always, Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills has come down to a matter of miscommunication about what someone said versus what they meant to covey.

What is up with Dorit Kemsley? I mean, she gives good TV since we’re all going to be talking about her, but, err, uhh… she is not a  good look for Lisa Vanderpump, and I don’t think this is what Lisa was going for when she got Dorit cast. So, Peek-K looked up Erika Girardi‘s skirt, and after grilling my husband relentlessly about the possibility of PK’s view, I’ve decided I agree with Erika that it’s probably not possible that PK got full-vajaynejayne throughout dinner as he claimed. Erika, though, is pissed that Dorit told everyone about it, then handled it by handing her some “full coverage” underwear. Of all the insults – to assume ERIKA JAYNE wears full coverage?! As if! When completely sheer = granny panties, you know you’ve gone to the Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory for aging trophy wives with celebrity ambitions.

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RHOBH Pantygate

On last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills, we learned that Dorit Kemsley and her her husband Peek-K are obsessed with Erika Girardi‘s vajanynejayne. Dorit was patting Erika’s puss more than an Erika Jayne dance routine!

Dorit told everyone that PK not only had seen the Girardi family jewels, but appraised them for value at length. I think Dorit believed the reveal that Erika ‘forgot’ how to use her lady-like manners while wearing a white micro-cocktail dress was supposed to make Erika look bad. Honestly, though, Dorit’s non-stop complaining and over-analyzing, combined with Peek-K’s stalkerish staring, over what was essentially a wardrobe faux pas in poor taste, made Extra-Cheesey Dorit look worse.

As Erika herself surmised, the entire situation was, quite frankly, fishy. Like, why was Dorit so intent on telling everyone? What Eileen Davidson dubs ‘The Crotch Chronicles’ (or “SnatchChat”) becomes what Peek-K saw up Erika’s skirt. According to Dorit: everything.

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