Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap

Eileen

It always pains me to see Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills go. Like a visit from a pesky sibling who annoys you the whole time they’re there, but the second they leave it’s like awwwww… but you guys have big diamonds, mini ponies, glam squads, and travel to fancy destinations, and I miss you already. I should note that no siblings of mine have any of the aforementioned things but my sister-in-law does work for Disney World.

Alas, my love-hate relationship with the ladies of Beverly Hills goes deep and none so illustrates this point better than Lisa Rinna. That woman! One part high-octane insanity, one part sensible bluff caller, one part, well, a concoction not currently identifiable. But as Lisa Vanderpump agreed, there’s something lovable about Lipsa!

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Real Housewives of Beverly Hills reunion

On last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills reunion, Kim Richards de-gifted the blue bunny Lisa Rinna gave her as a peace offering baby gift for her grandson.

Like WHO does that? Can you even imagine the behind-the-scenes of this blue bunny? Of how Kim has kept it stashed away somewhere for months and months, just plotting how she can use it to best Lipsa. Probably talking about it ad nauseum to Kyle Richards, and her poor daughter Brooke, constantly pretending to listen to the travail of Rambles and Lipsa and Bad Vibes Bunny. Kim moving in to her new condo and bringing the bunny with her, making a big deal to hide it from Kingsley, (I mean and Hucksley); planning and plotting to de-gift it and then WHOOSH – making it reappear at the reunion.

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Real Housewives of Beverly Hills reunion

Last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills reunion was wash, rinse, and repeat pantygate. And even though the stains have come out, Erika Girardi and Dorit Kemsley still can’t toss them in the drawer and move on. Can’t one of Dorit’s three full-time housekeepers clean up this mess? What about “Soapy and Sudsy“?

Andy Cohen wastes no time defrosting the world of Erika Jayne, wondering why she has to be so cold? But Andy and I are on different time frames, so my first order of business is discussing wardrobe. Which means Kyle Richards.

UGH. How does Kyle By KantDressTooThousand expect us to take her boutique seriously when she is wearing a cold-shoulder leotard that she put a strapless bra over. With a skirt that looks like shape wear. SERIOUSLY!? I just cannot. even. fathom. why?! Kyle is aware that when organizing a ‘sitting down for TV outfit’ one should, you know, TEST how it looks while seated? Apparently, these are things only non-showbiz people know – the former F-list child stars did not get such stellar education.

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Real Housewives of Beverly Hills season finale

Last night’s season finale of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills was brought to you by the words “wow” (somebody stole Maruicio’s G*d-D*mned word!) and “inherently.” And everyone was mad at Dorit Kemsley or Lisa Rinna. Or PK – which duh.

The point of Lisa Vanderpump‘s party was less about rose and more about settling squabbles and investigating motivations. Is Erika Girardi “cold” or was she merely hurt by Dorit? Is Lipsa trying to hide something that caused her to lash out at Dorit? Did a golden goose poop on Dorit’s head or was there a golden feather in her cap?

The “Amnesia Season” came to an end with the women bickering dressed like Barbies. It was amusingly perfect because basically every argument was made of plastic and came from Hong Kong. Eden Sassoon wore a freaking bridal gown from the Disney Princess Collection, stayed up way past her bedtime, ate too many sweets, and then threw a tantrum!

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Lisa Rinna knows many, many things: she knows Harry Hamlin is a pie-making, grey-haired demigod, she knows that her dog Lola has magical powers of mind control, she knows that shopping saves lives, she knows that if she stands before giant murals of rainbow-colored angel wings she can a least look like she’s good, and she knows that gold is her color. But what Lisa Rinna doesn’t know, and wants to find out, is if Dorit Kemlsey was doing coke in the bathroom. So these are the days of our Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills.

And just think – this is not even the plot of the real-life soap opera Eileen Davidson stars in!

As far as dinner parties from hell, or vacations from hell go, the ladies of RHOBH reign supreme. As they do in so many instances. Hong Kong is no exception. Right after Erika Girardi finishes preaching at Eileen with her Tammy Faye Baker eyes, and just as everyone is finally – finally – tucking into their soup course, Lipsa ever-so-brightly inquires if Dorit was serving cocaine at her dinner party months ago. See Lisa saw things. She saw things that bothered her, but she never got the chance to bring up. As mentioned above, Lisa knows things, like that a good hostess would never leave HER, of all people, at the table while the rest of party disappeared to freshen up. Lisa Vanderpump would never do that!

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rhobh-erika-mad

Well last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills was really something! Erika Jayne went from having no feelings she lets out, to melting into a puddle of icky goo. Don’t even get me started on Lisa Rinna. She needs to play Freeze Tag with her own lips. But we learned a very important thing: if you do not abide by the Buddha’s preach for peace and goodwill, you’re going to get served a severed friendship, surrounded by unfounded accusations.

When I say last night was not a good look for Erika, I mean that literally. She has a pretty cry face, but good lord, her sobbing and swearing at Eileen Davidson with 10 feet of pancake makeup and and Tammy Faye Baker eyes was frightening, Wicked Witch Of The West style. Honey those glams you pay need to tone down the fabulous.

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rhobh-hong-kong-junk-boat

Sigh – Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills is always one step forward; two steps back. Last night, the ladies journeyed halfway across the globe, from Beverly Hills to Hong Kong, only to find themselves mired in the same old “who said it” drama. Well, it’s good to change it up a bit and fight in new settings, and the gorgeous scenery did not disappoint.

It’s a fourteen-hour flight, which means one could find themselves trapped on an airplane using Kyle Richards‘ hair kaftan as a blanket (or parachute!), or being bored to death by Eileen Davidson discussing trans-particle fusion as applied to soap villainesses and their cognitive dissonance coping skills.

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Real Housewives of Beverly Hills recap

On last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills, “we” had a baby (we’re included in this “we” because at this point we’re all basically Kim and Kyle Richards‘ celestial family in twisted sister drama). “We” also planned a trip to Hong Kong to rescue dogs, and we also got our laps squished by an Instagram personality and his giant bottle of rosé.

Where I will let Kyle stand alone is in that awful dress she wore to the Kyle By AleneTwo book signing event. At least Eden Sassoon got the message and wore a kaftan. And Lisa Rinna, well she and her diarrhea stayed home. Erika Girardi also went home – on a private jet with a glam squad. I don’t know why Erika doesn’t cry more often because she has such a pretty cry face!

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