Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills - Season 5

Well I just don’t know what to say about Kim Richards other than I think Kingsley ate her sanity. Honestly. I’ll just leave it at that with Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills. Recap done!

OK, I’m kidding. But seriously – where was this so-called 11th hour smoking gun we were supposed to be getting?! Can I get a RHOBH reunion refund? I was fully preparing myself for the news that Kim and Kingsley had gotten married in Vegas and were having a child using Brandi Glanville as a surrogate.

But no… apparently the big drama was Lisa Rinna had a momentary lapse where she morphed into Brandi and threatened to F–k Kim up via text. Wielding f-bombs and empty threats is hardly exciting news – Kim and Brandi do it habitually to the point that it’s the almost menopause mama who cried “F–k!”

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rhobh-recap-lisa-r-dance

Do I have to rehash the deluded behaviors of Brandi Glanville and Kim Richards cause I don’t wanna! I do want to talk about Lisa Rinna‘s “Double-Standard Dance” which needs to become a Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills standard. Like, whenever someone is being a hypocritical bitch (aka all the dagone time) just jump up and start wriggling and twisting and gun finger-pointing double-standard dancing. Their faces don’t move so they’ve gotta do something to convey their disgust.

I recant… Eileen Davidson‘s face moves. I’ll add that to my long list of things I love about Eileen. Also, she can drop a read so thick with shade a bitch won’t be able to see the sun for days. Eileen and Phaedra Parks need to start conducting seminars. 

Andy asks Eileen what she was thinking joining RHOBH and she is like uhhhh… well, my life is great, my job is great, I just won an Emmy, and I wanted “a different type of drama” – well she got it! She also got wine thrown in her face and called a beast. Which – let me tell you – Eileen’s “How dare you!” rebuttal to KimKillah over the beast comment was my favorite moment of this season. It was so… Dynasty

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The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills - Season 5

Last night the Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills reunion kicked off with plenty of unflattering metaphors for Brandi Glanville, who lived up to every single one of them!

I don’t want to sound like I’m bullying Brandi, but here’s the thing: if she would just own maybe a smidgen of her behavior or actions (and apologize without conditions) I think it would go a long way in everyone believing that she has a good heart, is good a mother, and is a person who at least on occasion behaves like an adult. Instead Brandi resorts to accusing Lisa Vanderpump (who can’t even be bothered to put out for Ken more than twice a year) of being desperate for the 23-year-old manwand of her son’s childhood bestie. This is because LVP called Brandi out for being too drunk too f–k her Amsterdam-ian fling (according to Andre, who unfortunately was not Skyped during the reunion!) 

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RHOBH season 5 finale

Last night the Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills played a game called Intervention Telephone, but when it finally got back around to Brandi Glanville, she couldn’t remember what she even said, so she just played dumb and ran. 

The Twisted Sicksters Richards are still stranded in Palm Desert after the histrionic horrors of YOU STOLE MY HOUSE! Kim Richards insists she’s grown-up and is waiting for Kyle Richards to treat her like the “healthy, sober older sister who can take care of her life.” Except stupid Kyle is all Kim can’t even tell a vibrator from a lipstick and a Tuesday from a toadstool and God! Do I have to do everything, even cook eggs?! Man, if I were Kyle I would have put Ex-lax in the bitch’s eggs! 

Yeah, they ate eggs instead of dealing with the destruction of the night before when Kim hoarsely screeched at Kyle to give back her house right. now. Or ELSE healthy big sober super sister Kim was going to destroy her with her inventive memory and her super weapon: the gossiping drunken lips of Boozdi, a super-villain who will swoop down from the valley with lies of attrition. Kyle meekly says she’s surprised Kim stayed after what happened, Kim just eats and plots to set a bag of Kingsley’s dog poop on fire and throw it on the grill. 

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Kyle Richards cries over her relationship with Kim

We’ve left Amsterdam but we haven’t left the Twisted Sisters Richards on international soil! Brandi Glanville ditched the “Menopause Mamas” of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills to hang out with someone her own age. And I realized Brandi and Kim Richards are essentially the same person, with the same behavior patterns and coping skills. 

The ladies start off the last leg of their Tour de Denial at the flower market. Earlier, while they were biking through the city Lisa Vanderpump saw a friend of her son Max. Brandi got to chatting… and other things… with said 23-year-old – lo and behold he asked her on a date, after spending the night with her. Are we sure they weren’t biking through the Red Light district? Isn’t dating your former bestie-turned-enemy-turned-stalking/slapping-recipient’s son’s friend a little, I dunno… Lifetime Movie creepy? I mean I can just picture Sela Ward playing the role of LVP. 

Brandi, wearing a Fred Flintstone costume, recounts to Kim about “play slapping” Lisa. Kim laughs that uptight Lisa can’t take a joke – like that one time super sober champion soberling Kim joked about Harry doing evil, awful things and Lisa Rinna having evil, awful secrets… does Harry keep a people-eating troll in the basement?! 

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rhobh-recap-eileen

Last night on Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills (aka Real Hoodrats Of Battery Park) somebody got bitch-slapped and that somebody wasn’t Brandi Glanville or Kim Richards! Pass the smelling salts – not be confused with someone else’s cancer pain pills. 

First, the problem with Brandi: Brandi takes everything too far – jokes, glasses of wine, involvement in other’s family matters. But when called out, she doesn’t own it – she projects outward, blaming, making baseless accusations; then is shocked when karma pays her retribution. Yes, Brandi is an unhappy, wounded woman who lacks self-esteem, but at what point – like say when you’re mid-40s and jacking up your face, your friendships, and your career beyond salvation – is it time to take ownership?

Instead, Brandi changes her friends, her addresses… Sadly, now that she and Kim have found each other all hell has broken loose – literally. I think poor Amsterdam needs to get the US Embassy to intervene! Visas revoked, bitches. And yank Yolanda Foster‘s too as payback – then make David pay a hefty fine to reinstate her access. 

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rhobh cast attends the David Foster Gala

Last night on Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills we dismantled the rambles of Kim Richards, warbled together with the whir of the YoDa Private Aeronautic Experience (MyLoveAir) as Kimterrorization continued. Kim really needs to come with instructions if she’s going to act like Kingsley all the time! You know what they say: like mother, like Pit Bull! I hope Lisa Rinna brought her Louis Vuitton bodybag with her on this trip, because the way things are going – someone is gonna need it! Especially since the Fosters definitely roll gangsta in the trip department – shi, shi, shi!

Before we hit the high airs to Amsterdam, Yolanda Foster hosts a scavenger hunt around Beverly Hills. You would think an event about competitive shopping would be fun for our ladies, but Yo had to go ahead and ruin it by forcing them to wear sneakers and drink a milkshake. 

Yolanda had custom made “Dream Team” t-shirts in a variety of colors for the ladies,. including extra-special throwback Camille Grammer, who was scoring points based on most pernicious behavior. Naturally Brandi Glanville was the champion of the world.

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Lisa Vanderpump gets a surprise party on RHOBH

So last night on Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills we all got to play amateur psychologist as we tried to figure out what the heck is wrong with Kim Richards. Leading the charge were our bright-eyed and intrepid newbies Eileen Davidson and Lisa Rinna, eager to make a change, eager to help where help is not wanted. As they are about to learn the Richards Sisters are content and complicit in their dysfunction! 

Brandi Glanville is on a 21-day cleanse under the tutelage of Yolanda Foster. That means no alcohol, no sugar, but totally Xanax! A girl can’t give up allll her vices. Yolanda is apparently captaining the Beverly Hills chapter of the Save-A-Hoe Foundation and she thinks yoga is gonna teach an old bitch new tricks. Nice try, but dangling a hot yoga instructor in front of a gal’s face is no way to reshape a behavior – but it’s not like it says NO MEN on this cleanse. Like I said, a girl can’t give up allll her vices! Xanax & Dating?

For everyday Brandi doesn’t drink is Yolanda is gonna give her one almond chip? BTW: Brandi is only doing this cleanse to prove to the other girls she’s not an alcoholic. 

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