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Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap

RHOBH season 5 finale

Last night the Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills played a game called Intervention Telephone, but when it finally got back around to Brandi Glanville, she couldn’t remember what she even said, so she just played dumb and ran. 

The Twisted Sicksters Richards are still stranded in Palm Desert after the histrionic horrors of YOU STOLE MY HOUSE! Kim Richards insists she’s grown-up and is waiting for Kyle Richards to treat her like the “healthy, sober older sister who can take care of her life.” Except stupid Kyle is all Kim can’t even tell a vibrator from a lipstick and a Tuesday from a toadstool and God! Do I have to do everything, even cook eggs?! Man, if I were Kyle I would have put Ex-lax in the bitch’s eggs! 

Yeah, they ate eggs instead of dealing with the destruction of the night before when Kim hoarsely screeched at Kyle to give back her house right. now. Or ELSE healthy big sober super sister Kim was going to destroy her with her inventive memory and her super weapon: the gossiping drunken lips of Boozdi, a super-villain who will swoop down from the valley with lies of attrition. Kyle meekly says she’s surprised Kim stayed after what happened, Kim just eats and plots to set a bag of Kingsley’s dog poop on fire and throw it on the grill. 

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Kyle Richards cries over her relationship with Kim

We’ve left Amsterdam but we haven’t left the Twisted Sisters Richards on international soil! Brandi Glanville ditched the “Menopause Mamas” of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills to hang out with someone her own age. And I realized Brandi and Kim Richards are essentially the same person, with the same behavior patterns and coping skills. 

The ladies start off the last leg of their Tour de Denial at the flower market. Earlier, while they were biking through the city Lisa Vanderpump saw a friend of her son Max. Brandi got to chatting… and other things… with said 23-year-old – lo and behold he asked her on a date, after spending the night with her. Are we sure they weren’t biking through the Red Light district? Isn’t dating your former bestie-turned-enemy-turned-stalking/slapping-recipient’s son’s friend a little, I dunno… Lifetime Movie creepy? I mean I can just picture Sela Ward playing the role of LVP. 

Brandi, wearing a Fred Flintstone costume, recounts to Kim about “play slapping” Lisa. Kim laughs that uptight Lisa can’t take a joke – like that one time super sober champion soberling Kim joked about Harry doing evil, awful things and Lisa Rinna having evil, awful secrets… does Harry keep a people-eating troll in the basement?! 

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rhobh-recap-eileen

Last night on Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills (aka Real Hoodrats Of Battery Park) somebody got bitch-slapped and that somebody wasn’t Brandi Glanville or Kim Richards! Pass the smelling salts – not be confused with someone else’s cancer pain pills. 

First, the problem with Brandi: Brandi takes everything too far – jokes, glasses of wine, involvement in other’s family matters. But when called out, she doesn’t own it – she projects outward, blaming, making baseless accusations; then is shocked when karma pays her retribution. Yes, Brandi is an unhappy, wounded woman who lacks self-esteem, but at what point – like say when you’re mid-40s and jacking up your face, your friendships, and your career beyond salvation – is it time to take ownership?

Instead, Brandi changes her friends, her addresses… Sadly, now that she and Kim have found each other all hell has broken loose – literally. I think poor Amsterdam needs to get the US Embassy to intervene! Visas revoked, bitches. And yank Yolanda Foster‘s too as payback – then make David pay a hefty fine to reinstate her access. 

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rhobh cast attends the David Foster Gala

Last night on Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills we dismantled the rambles of Kim Richards, warbled together with the whir of the YoDa Private Aeronautic Experience (MyLoveAir) as Kimterrorization continued. Kim really needs to come with instructions if she’s going to act like Kingsley all the time! You know what they say: like mother, like Pit Bull! I hope Lisa Rinna brought her Louis Vuitton bodybag with her on this trip, because the way things are going – someone is gonna need it! Especially since the Fosters definitely roll gangsta in the trip department – shi, shi, shi!

Before we hit the high airs to Amsterdam, Yolanda Foster hosts a scavenger hunt around Beverly Hills. You would think an event about competitive shopping would be fun for our ladies, but Yo had to go ahead and ruin it by forcing them to wear sneakers and drink a milkshake. 

Yolanda had custom made “Dream Team” t-shirts in a variety of colors for the ladies,. including extra-special throwback Camille Grammer, who was scoring points based on most pernicious behavior. Naturally Brandi Glanville was the champion of the world.

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Lisa Vanderpump gets a surprise party on RHOBH

So last night on Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills we all got to play amateur psychologist as we tried to figure out what the heck is wrong with Kim Richards. Leading the charge were our bright-eyed and intrepid newbies Eileen Davidson and Lisa Rinna, eager to make a change, eager to help where help is not wanted. As they are about to learn the Richards Sisters are content and complicit in their dysfunction! 

Brandi Glanville is on a 21-day cleanse under the tutelage of Yolanda Foster. That means no alcohol, no sugar, but totally Xanax! A girl can’t give up allll her vices. Yolanda is apparently captaining the Beverly Hills chapter of the Save-A-Hoe Foundation and she thinks yoga is gonna teach an old bitch new tricks. Nice try, but dangling a hot yoga instructor in front of a gal’s face is no way to reshape a behavior – but it’s not like it says NO MEN on this cleanse. Like I said, a girl can’t give up allll her vices! Xanax & Dating?

For everyday Brandi doesn’t drink is Yolanda is gonna give her one almond chip? BTW: Brandi is only doing this cleanse to prove to the other girls she’s not an alcoholic. 

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rhobh-recap-brandi-kim

On last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills everyone corralled their best “gays” and trotted them around the ring in Kyle Richards Boners Cup Classic! Unfortunately objectifying “gays” took a backseat to objectifying sanity when Brandi Glanville stormed the premises and a custody battle over Kim Richards erupted. Poor gays – always the bottoms, never the tops!

Before I continue with this recap I have two points to make:

1) Can we stop with the “My gays”? No one has “gays!” Just like no one has “heteros!” I loathe the so-called possession and ownership of “gays.” Gay people are just people, who are not ubiquitously defined by their sexuality no matter what Real Housewives want us to think. Plus, whatever “gays” Kyle has cobbled together, they clearly do not love her that much to let her dress that bad! Maybe it’s passive-aggressive payback for her leading them around LA referring to them as My Gay 1, My Gay Blonde, My Gay Ladysitter… 

2) Why the hell would anyone fight for possession of “My Kim”? They do realize Kims come with Kingsley. And also, at the end of the day (HA!), it’s still Kim – who is praying to a trashcan and speaking gobbledy-goop, insisting it’s a language you just haven’t learned yet! It’s just Kim taking cancer medication as a fun-zany experiment while she accidentally smokes a dildo because she confused it with the e-cigarette she bought from that kiosk in the mall, on Tuesday, errrrr… I mean Wednesday, errrr… I mean during the 9, uhhhh 7, uuummmm 5 days she was in Promises Malibu the hospital working on her tan!  

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brandi glanville, kyle richards, and kim richards argue

Last night on Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills it was all about Brandi Glanville blaming it all on the al-al-al-cohollll! This was the tale of two addicts acting as each-others enablers, and one Kyle Richards who needs al-anon (I say that without shade). 

So here we are at Eileen Davidson‘s house where Kyle and Brandi are sobbing, shrieking, and shoving each other in the driveway. I’m pretty sure we learned in kindergarten to use conversation to solve problems, not name-calling, cuss words, gift bags, hands, side-boobs, bracelets, wine, or pizza?! Or Eileen’s driveway! 

And while Kyle and Brandi are arguing over who gets custody of Kim Richards, Kim is standing their like “Duuuuuuude… I’m high. Where’s my pizza?” Literally she asked Brandi what happened to the pizza slice – well Brandi threw at your sister, Kim. I would say go grab another one but you’re probably banned from Eileen’s home! 

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eileen davidson's poker night goes horribly awry on rhobh

Other than habitual mind games, I’m just gonna go ahead and declare that Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills should swear off game nights. The first one ended with a woman on crutches losing her crutches and being called a “slut pig” (holy foreshadowing metaphors at work there), and this latest one involved one woman almost needing crutches after being shoved down the stairs with a piece of pizza. Andy Cohen is redefining class for the modern age! 

It all starts out innocently enough, Kyle Richards plans a spa day and the girls put on an odd assortment of outfits ranging from soccer mom at Target to ladies who lunch at Bergdorffs. (Lisa Vanderpump has been suffering from an over-dressing problem lately. Brandi Glanville has been suffering from a combo of under-dress/not wearing enough clothes problem). 

Yolanda Foster is skipping this wonderful event, because despite being not being able to read, nor write, nor watch TV, she is in NYC micromanaging Gigi and Bella’s modeling careers and zipping around the globe hot on My Love‘s tail. YoFridgidaire is also seriously trying to make the stupid ‘Tile of Love’ walls happen because she sends Kyle a photo of her posed in front of the magnificent one the housekeepers made for Bella’s new apartment. I shade, but those Hadid girls are beyond beautiful and seem to have a really sweet relationship. 

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