On last night’s Real Housewives of Atlanta the ladies don’t disappoint.  Cynthia Bailey opens her modeling agency, while Kandi Burruss consults with a country star. Sheree Whitfield and Phaedra Parks part ways professionally and Kim Zolciak is movin’ on up, Jefferson’s style. Nene Leakes also makes an appearance.

The episode begins as Sheree comes to Phaedra’s office to discuss her child support case. Phaedra feels that the hearing went very well, while Sheree is concerned that her case is flailing. Phaedra tries to explain the law to her client and defends her representation to a doubtful Sheree. Sheree thinks that the pair was blindsided in court, and they squabble about when the retainer was paid. Phaedra doesn’t want this case to come between her and her friend, so the ladies decide to end their business relationship with Phaedra referring Sheree to a different attorney. The duo part ways amicably (for now), with Sheree wishing her two-day lawyer had accomplished more and Phaedra wondering what kind of service her friend expects after hiring her twenty-four hours (give or take) in advance. WWJJD?  (Judge Judy…in case you were wondering!)


Back at the Biermann Zolciak household, Kim’s interior decorator Kendra comes to plan the family’s new mansion. Kim wants to keep the nursery under wraps as a surprise for Kroy. Poor Kendra has a week to complete the project that would normally take months. In the words of the oh-so-eloquent Kim, “Good luck, b*tch!”  I’m starting to realize more and more how the whole “Sweetie’s employment” gig fell apart. Kendra talks in circles while Kim assaults a ball-point pen, her entire brood waiting for her to unleash. Luckily for Kendra, Kim’s head doesn’t start spinning around, and she only meanly smirks her contempt.

Cynthia is hosting a party at a friend’s art gallery. Sheree, who loves art–especially abstract pieces (is she quoting a line from Art for Dummies?) is in attendance wearing shoes made out of…Legos? Gerbil weapons? Shards of glass? Nene makes an over-the-top entrance, looking for gallery owner Ivan. Admittedly, Nene’s not “a collector of the arts.” I’m shocked, you? If she eats any apps she may be collecting some crumbs in her cleavage… here’s hoping she’s utilizing some double-side tape in that get-up!

Cynthia is over the moon that Marlo Hampton is attending the fete. Apparently Marlo is the Atlanta high-society stamp of approval.  Too bad she couldn’t make it to DeShawn Snow’s Night of a Thousand Stars a few seasons back… whatever happened to her?  Kandi reiterates to Sheree and Phaedra that Marlo says she got her success and money from God. Marlo approaches and Kandi asks the question again. Kandi doesn’t doubt that Marlo doesn’t blow money, but she isn’t so sure that Marlo doesn’t blow to get money.  How do I get to be friends with Kandi?  Her one-liners put mine to shame.

At Peter’s Bar One, Cynthia is prepping for a couple’s photo shoot with a celebrity photographer. Cynthia shares her invitation for the Bailey Agency with Peter, and he gets on her about the fact that people likely won’t receive the invite before the grand opening. Peter can’t believe his wife’s oversight and refuses to help her get the invitations in the mail. Peter needs Cynthia to “fall on her ass” so she won’t mess up again. Unfortunately, the mailman isn’t in attendance at the couple’s photo shoot or all would be fine.

Kim and Kroy are moving into their Zansion. That Kroy is quite the hard worker. Kim is very good at insulting the movers while sporting last season’s Victoria Secret sweat pants. The wigs are all ready to be buckled into Kim’s car to make their way to the new abode.  KJ will likely be strapped to the top of the moving van, but at least the wigs will be safe. Kim and her girls reflect over the wall in the kitchen where all visitors have signed.  The girls are having a hard time leaving their home, but Kim is ready to move on to bigger and better and richer things. You’d better keep up your contract, Kroy!

Nene puts oldest son Bryson to work cleaning up her house. At twenty-two, Nene knows he can now have sex, drink liquor, and smoke weed.  Um, if she is listing things he can legally do she may need a lesson on the law. There is an awkward conversation about the necessity of condoms. Shudder.

Kandi and her manager Don Juan are discussing her career. Number one on his agenda is not wasting time and money recording tracks for friends with no talent. Whatsoever could he be talking about?? As far as he’s concerned, “The Sing Didn’t Mean A Thing.”  Sorry–couldn’t resist!  Don Juan wants her to focus on being a songwriter…for actual singers. Kandi wants to try her hand at writing county music. I would LOVE that–do it, Kandi!  She reveals that she knows she’s made it when her picture is plastered in every jail cell from here to kingdom come. Don Juan isn’t on board with that type of marketing.

The Biermanns Zolciaks arrive at their new McMansion with the scary wig heads being left in the car. I hope Kim cracked a window so they get some fresh air—especially for the one strapped into the car seat. The family loves the downstairs, and Kim is equally as thrilled with the vanity wall of her pictures at the top of the stairs. The nursery is unveiled first, and Kroy is digging it. My best friend just did her nursery, and I’m a bit disappointed that she didn’t opt for a cross on the wall in the style of Brett Michaels. She has no vision. Potty like a rock star, biatches!! Ariana has a room fit for a princess…if a princess vomited pink flowers all over the place. Brielle’s bedroom is just as awesome.  It’s the perfect boudouir for a high class call girl…or a fourteen-year-old. Before you judge, I am not saying Brielle is in any way, shape, or form a teen of loose morals… I’m just saying that her room is the envy of all of Heidi Fleiss‘ employees.

In the commercial break scene, Kim is driving down the highway, allowing Brielle to steer while she pumps her breast milk. So glad I can say I wasn’t on the roads of ATL when this season was being filmed. Gracious!  Forget texting and driving… Kim is going to make pumping and driving the next big highway killer. Write your congressman about it!

Kandi is making her dream come true one step at a time. Step one, Skype with Jo Dee Messina. Step two, introduce producer Lil’ Ronnie. Who would have thought that this guy was behind American Idol Scotty McCreery’s first hit?  And to think I was just starting to like Lil’ Ronnie… he has to be a promoter of that Scotty kid. Jo Dee invites Kandi to come to Nashville for a jam session, and I am already loving this story line. I love Kandi. I love country music. I am in hog heaven.

Cynthia is stressing about the opening party of the Bailey Agency. She is worried that she won’t be seen as a good business peeper (please tell me I’m not the only person who caught that!). The model is worried because no one has RSVPed to the event, but can you blame them?  According to Peter’s calculations, they won’t receive their invitation until tomorrow. Cynthia is venting her frustrations to her sister Mallory while her make-up artist is venting his frustrations via an aggressive blush brush on her face. Stop crying already!

Hoping there are actual attendees to her event, Cynthia, Mallory and their mom arrive at the agency. Thank goodness Bravo has supplied guests! Mallory is upset that Peter didn’t help with the grand opening at all. Can you blame him? Apparently he had a pool party to attend. Sidebar — who thinks Tyra Banks is jealous that Cynthia has managed to put up more photos of herself in such a small space?  Smile with your eyes! Kandi arrives and is slightly shocked that Cynthia expected responses to her invite… it’s Atlanta, not Buckingham Palace.

Phaedra passive aggressively loves the Bailey Agency. Nothing like focusing on a girl’s outward appearance to make her ready for a “real” career in law or medicine. Sheree is less than impressed as she’s going through “the change” the air conditioner isn’t working as well as she’d like. Kim and Kroy make their first post-baby appearance, and right off the bat Kim is put-off with Marlo. To quote Kim, who says it best, “I don’t really know Marlo, but I’ve heard Marlo sleeps with wealthy men and they give her money or buy her nice things. Who does that?”  Who indeed, Kim, who indeed.  #iloveitwhentheycallmebigpoppa

Nene arrives, and it’s the first time Nene and Kim have been in the same vicinity since forever ago last season. Immediately Nene announces that she used to be a model. Kandi, always diplomatic, notes (after many long pauses) that Nene is as tall as a model. Her silence is speaking volumes. Again, can I mention how much I love Kandi?  Marlo and Kandi have a confrontation about the age-old question of where Marlo gets her income. Kim agrees that Marlo gets her money from God, as God gave her the hole that makes her bank.  That one doesn’t mince words, does she? Kim, keeping it klassy 24/7. Marlo comes at Kandi saying she’d never ask about the fact that Kandi played sugar-mama to poor boyfriends (um, I think she just did). Nene is beyond thrilled because Marlo keeps referencing her own “Big Poppa” and Kim exits stage left.

No one else looks overheated, but Sheree is fanning herself in every scene.  Hormone replacement, anyone?  Cynthia welcomes everyone to the grand opening, and when she thanks Peter, he’s a no-show.  Eyes are cutting all over the venue–Phaedra’s the best at it, I have to admit.  It’s incredibly awkward, and I must say my heart goes out to Cynthia.

Next week, Phaedra and Apollo learn more about the mortuary scene, as Sheree helps get Kim get back into shape with yoga.  Kandi and Jo Dee Messina have a jam session, Nene and Marlo discuss those pesky Charles rumors, and Peter acts like himself an ass when Cynthia confronts him about his absence during her opening speech.

In the clubhouse on WWHL, Sheree and her hairdresser/cross-dressing protege Miss Lawrence join Andy Cohen. Lawrence is wearing a satin turban that would make the Countess jealous… and chandelier earrings which seem to be attached to a tear duct and perhaps a dimple. No words. Sheree reveals that Phaedra didn’t represent her in the manner in which she expected. Phaedra missed the boat on filing a contempt order, allowing Bob Whitfield to file his child support modification. Miss Lawrence believes Phaedra majored in lip gloss while in law school. Me too, Lawrence, me too.

Andy debuts Sheree’s new song “Who Gonna Check Me Boo?” and somewhere Don Juan is applauding Kandi for missing that boat. Part of the proceeds from song sales go to a youth charity in Chicago. Andy jokes about the wig transport, and I am convinced I’m going to have nightmares about them. Andy does a PSA about pumping and driving, and it’s almost like he’s reading my blog post as I type it. We are so. Right. There.

Sheree admits that her house isn’t quite finished… they’ve just finished pouring the foundation. The always loyal Lawrence exclaims that it “takes a long time to build a compound.” The game is “The Newly Wig Game–Best Boo Edition” where Sheree and Lawrence answer questions about each other’s scenes thus far this season. The pair seems to know each other very well.  Sheree wins a tablet pre-loaded with a Speak and Spell app. Awww.

A caller asks Sheree about her “particular job” but Sheree doesn’t want to discuss her “stuff” until it comes to fruition. Case in point, Sheree doesn’t have an actual job. No worries, the caller wins a tablet! The mazel of the week goes to a Norwegian butter aficionado while the jackhole is some kid who got stuck in his chimney after trying to sneak down it after missing curfew. Poll results are in, and most viewers think Nene is deserving of coal in her stocking. Mazel!


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