Bethenny Ever After Recap: Hell On Wheels

Last night’s episode of Bethenny Ever After was all about team building, compromise, and mummy dearest. The Skinnygirl Team had girls night out, learned self-defense, and got to roller skate around Bethenny‘s new apartment. Bethenny and Jason practiced their lost at sea skills and compromised and communicated. Oh, and they had mouth guard sex, which I’m sure has also happened this one time at band camp. And Bethenny’s mom made an unwelcome appearance via the tabloids.

Bethenny is out to dinner with her girls, who also happen to be her employees. It’s apparently a work dinner, but they are talking about Bethenny, Bethenny’s relationship, and how she sucks at being a girls-girl because she was always alone. I guess Bethenny’s nonsense is paying everybody’s bills! Bethenny reveals that Jason is in denial about his love of therapy and the boat trip was successful in the end because they are communicating more.


It’s interesting to me that Bethenny is continually taking advice from everyone around her about her personal life; its probably because she is the star of a reality show about her own life, but maybe it’s because she constantly seeks affirmation and feedback. Or it’s preparation for her talk show where she practices “listening skills.” Does she ask Julie if she’s should poop before going to the bathroom. Probably. Even more interesting, is that these girls are about a decade younger than Bethenny and she should be sharing her advice with them. At least she is appreciative of her team.

Aside: Bethenny‘s hair and make-up in the interview segment is distractingly unflattering. I don’t understand…

Bethenny introduces us to another employee, Paolo – Cookie’s dog walker, who is part of the family. Why is everyone she hires practically family and also her best friend? Apparently, Cookie has made friends with Paolo and is retiring her bitch crown, slightly. Bethenny and Julie decide to spy on Cookie at the dog park with Paolo to see if she actually is nice to other dogs when HBIC Bethenny isn’t around. They decide they need disguises and just happen to have wigs lying around, of course. Why is this reality show so disconnected from reality?

Despite the stress of the boat trip, Jason and Bethenny have made some positive strides in their relationship. They have a cute funny scene, joking around and discussing her birthday. Bethenny is not planning any meltdowns this year – she’s miraculously recovered from hating her birthday, I see – and instead they want to visit Cabo and have a date night. Oh, and Jason wants sex. Big time.

Apparently, sex is a gift in casa de Frankel-Hoppy and Jason only gets it on special occasions. We learn Jason makes hump gestures to indicate wanting it and both Bethenny AND Jason wear mouth guards at night. They teasingly decide to have mouth guard sex but not before calisthenics. It’s nice to see them having fun together, teasing, and seeming to enjoy their marriage. Maybe they’ve read Chicken Soup For The Bravolebrity’s Soul. Savor the small stuff!

Bethenny‘s closet designer comes over to check out her old closet and figure out what she needs in the new one. Bethenny is a compulsive organizer with her entire life in Rubbermaid containers (aka, a hoarder). Paging Jeff Lewis! After looking at her ziplock panty pouches and bins of shoes, they decide to rifle through Jason‘s closet. They find, among other shocking things; souvenirs from Jason’s trip to China, $92 in change, a golf belt, and silk hanker chiefs. Jason walks on the wild side.

After the closet deconstruction, Bethenny and her design mom, Marriett hit up an upscale furniture boutique owned by former partners, who have broken up but remain business partners and still show prize-winning hairless toy dogs, or something. She didn’t find any lights, but she found some reassurance that she’s not the only nut loose in the NYC!

The Skinnygirl team is taking self-defense, because Bethenny surrounds herself with meek women. Interesting. How would Dr. Amador interpret that? Why is Dwayne in the class? Why is he in a Skinnyguy t-shirt? So many “whys?” in this show. Bethenny goes around the room embarrassing everyone by calling out their weaknesses. Oh well, at least it’s for a good cause. Bethenny punches herself in the face and Dawa kicks ass.

Later they all take CPR for Bryn; which is great. Why is the show now an ensemble about the Skinnygirl team? Dwayne can’t remember how many kids he has and piles up a bunch of Resuscitation Annie babies at his feet.

On the way to a design meeting, Bethenny gets an email from her publicist and discovers her mother has sold a story to Star Magazine about Bethenny’s marriage being headed for divorce. Bernadette also claims she invented the Skinnygirl Margarita. Oh, well Bethie’s steely will bottled the damn thing and got it on the shelves and that’s what really matters! I really feel for Bethenny – that’s horribly sad.

Bethenny is shocked by the allegations and taken aback by how “crazy” her mother looks. Bethenny hasn’t seen, nor spoken to her mother in over a decade. Those two are a mess! It’s practically Grey Gardens up in there!

At the design meeting, Bethenny‘s contractor is annoyed that her walk-in isn’t big enough, as Bethenny tries to be generous to Jason by giving him the bigger room for his TV watching. There’s some debate about moving the 70 foot TV to the main room and hiding it and spilling on the sofa, but Bethenny says the contractors have to convince Jason the plan was their idea because otherwise he’ll think she’s trying to change things to benefit her own whims.

Everyone is handling Jason with kid gloves and acting like he’s Bethenny, (i.e liable to a meltdown at any moment) except he really couldn’t care less about the change. Bethenny is disappointed Jason isn’t behaving irrationally. She wanted the contractor to convince Jason it was his idea to move the TV, but they drop the ball and now she believes “Inside Jason” will resent her, or something.

Bethenny reacts by pacing around the restaurant, freaking out, and is practically throwing a tantrum in public. Invest in Xanax. She apparently believes she’s being thrown to the wolves over a TV. Am I the only person who is not understanding what was wrong with the contractor’s approach? Color me confused.

It’s therapy time! Which is ironic, because the entire show is Bethenny‘s therapy hour. She tells Dr. Amador about her mom and explains that she relishes the times she has to spend with Bryn doing the simple things. It’s very sweet. Bethenny compares that to her own childhood and recalls spending a lot of time eating with her mom. She also remembers seeing her mom in dangerous relationships, being beaten, and how she was always drawn into the fights. Bethenny admits she felt alone in her childhood and spent a lot of time at the roller rink. Sad.

The Frankel-Hoppys are meeting their design team in the new apartment. Indeed, how many people will it take to get Bethenny into her house? Why does the Skinnygirl office still need to be there? Nonetheless, they are psyched by the new fabulous place. Can we get the renos done so we can see it already! Closet vs Man Cave war wages on. Jason concedes the man cave and Bethenny gets a super closet. Bethenny concedes having a huge TV in the living room in exchange.

Bethenny shows the team the new office space. And again, why not just get office space separate from the home? She could have a huge closet AND a man cave if Skinnygirl Enterprises got their own building. Now the Skinnygirl team is roller skating in the new apartment before demo happens. Why is this show like a circus? What is even going on anymore? Why is she wearing a special ’70s themed Boogie Nights roller skating costume? Help me understand, here, people!

Yay Veronica – now you can skate! Team building 101! Bethenny sums up her whole childhood as about roller skating. Hey, doesn’t everyone from the ’70s and ’80s? Bethenny determines she is still that same free-spirited girl on skates – only this time she can buy her own roller rink. In a way, it’s a great metaphor and a fun way to end the episode. You keep on rollin, B money! And keep rockin those striped tube socks you borrowed from Gretchen Rossi.

Next Week: The media hates Bethenny, Bethenny wants a bidet cause it gives limitless possibilities for raunchy sex jokes and Ellen makes an appearance! Also, Bryn continues to be very cute.